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post when you need to. There is always something to be learned here. This place is stacked FULL of KNOWLEDGE, all of it USEFUL. 
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Joined: Apr 2001
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I'll stay steady on the arms reach, but no further, limitations and work on encouraging him (we have MC coming up) to get sober! Goal #1, numero-uno! Be careful with a marriage counselor. They know nothing about alcoholism and even less about saving marriages. They have an 84% failure rate and cause more harm to marriages than good. They most certainly do not understand the alcoholic mind or the wayward mind. [sorry for the redundancy] Alcoholics at AA meetings laugh at how easy it is to fool counselors. Counselors come to AA to get help for their own drinking problems.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: May 2010
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Thanks for the suggestion, Melody! It sounds like a very, very good one.
I guess, I have to have faith that he WILL come back to me. He tells me I'm the only one for him, the only one he really wants to keep,...so, time will tell.
Meanwhile, though, (being that it's likely he may NOT get sober) all the better reason for me to work on ME, and on my own two-feet more. It's scary, but I think I'm capable.
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here is an article by Dr Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders - he is one of the FEW normals I know that really understands alcoholics. The reason he does is because he once owned a chain of treatment centers. Alcoholic Spouse One of the first things I do when couples see me for counseling is to evaluate them for drug and alcohol addiction. If I feel that either is addicted at the time, I refer the addicted spouse to a treatment program. The Love Buster, drug or alcohol addiction, will prevent them from resolving their marital conflicts because it controls them. It must be eliminated before marital therapy has any hope of being successful.
My job as a marriage counselor begins after successful treatment and sobriety. If the addicted spouse refuses treatment, then I direct the unaddicted spouse to Alanon or some other support group for spouses of alcoholics. Sometimes, I encourage an intervention.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
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It's scary, but I think I'm capable. Change this to, "It's scary, but I KNOW I AM CAPABLE." 
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Joined: Oct 2009
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t/j Melody, I just had an AHA moment. MB will NOT work with an ACTIVE addict no matter what the addiction is. Be it, affair, alcohol, drugs, etc. Wow. DrH IS a GENIUS. t/j over.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Joined: Apr 2001
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I guess, I have to have faith that he WILL come back to me. He tells me I'm the only one for him, the only one he really wants to keep,...so, time will time. Daisy, an alcoholic has to have a POWERFUL motivation to quit drinking. If you set that standard, he will raise to meet the bar or he will fall. And if he falls, then you don't even need to be there to fall with him. You may be the only thing standing between him and his bottom - and he needs to hit that bottom in order to want to sober up. Alcoholics show up at AA for help when FORCED by a spouse, judge, employer, etc. My H told me to GET OUT or go to AA back in 1985. If he had not done that, I shudder to think where I would be today.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: May 2010
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I have, actually, read the DrH section about "Dealing with an alcoholic spouse" -- so has my WH! He said it made him cry and he feels horrible. Yet...stuck in his complacency about not thinking he's worthy of me or that I would ever want him, yada yada...defeatist stuff. You're right. He just needs to have the bar set higher.
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. Yet...stuck in his complacency about not thinking he's worthy of me or that I would ever want him, yada yada...defeatist stuff. See, it is all about him. He has very inappropriate SELF PITY. I would tell him to man up, stop the drama queen act and start cleaning up the mess he left in his path.  It is very inappropriate for him to CRY and whine about himself when you are the victim. He deserves any pain he feels, you don't. That is like the rapist crying that he bumped his elbow in the commission of a crime. A truly remorseful person has SORROW and PITY for his victims, not himself. 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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