Worth repeating:

"Tell her if you do get divorced, you won't be her "friend," because if she successfully screws you over for her adultery, it would not be emotionally healthy for you to be around her. Your child DOES NOT benefit in any, way, shape or form from you pretending to be "friends" with someone who lies and cheats on you. That is not "friend" material.

Let her know you won't cooperate with any "co-parenting" schemes unless it is within the confines of MARITAL RECOVERY. Nor do you want or need to be "friends" with her. You are her Husband or nothing."

Got it..told her I was not interested in co-parenting counseling as I was not at that step. We agreed to a 'family' counselor...I think that will air out some needed help for us in general.

Another question....she asked today what I was doing with my filing paperwork. I told her "i was working on it' and I had some paperwork of my own to fill out. She asked what it was, I told her I had not looked at it yet, was not familiar - perhaps she should call her attorney and ask as I really did not know. (all said nicely of course).

So, she does not know I have the big-dog attorney. Should I tell her or just wait until it comes in the mail?

Just play stupid with the attorney. Tell her you hired him to handle your case and you are leaving that stuff up to him. If she has any issues, she can have her attorney call yours. Otherwise, you aren't talking about it. Make your attorney be the bad guy, not you.

"Got it..told her I was not interested in co-parenting counseling as I was not at that step. We agreed to a 'family' counselor...I think that will air out some needed help for us in general."

Got it?

I don't think so.

WW played you like the expert she is.

This counselor as most counselors only tell people what they want to here. Danger is that she will support WW and use her professional opinion against youm in court when custody has to be fought.

This counselor will say things like a child can have no problems later in life post their parents D.

She just found out who my attorney is..and she is furious. By phone, but I can tell. Says that throws up a major 'red flag' and that I would not have retained them 'just to get information.'

So, to answer my own question, I just took her idea of a neat little quick divorce and threw it out of the window right? Doing the right thing then.

I told her I would be glad to fire both and take a vacation instead..but that it is her call I can assume she won't see the humor in that one.

Well, I liked it.

Good, through a wet blanket on her fantasy.

Also, it demonstrates how she'll be nice to you if she thinks she can manipulate you into what she wants. Don't go along with what she wants and she'll turn nasty. She's a snake right now, and she shouldn't be trusted at all. Don't fall for her crap.

She came home and told me my hiring an attorney threw up red flags. I simply told her I didn't want to break the law and was not ready for any of this. I wanted to save my marriage. She said 'there is no marriage to save' angrily.

She then said I could use hers...I told her I did not think that was appropriate..I would have mine to guide me through the process. She walked out of the room saying 'suit yourself.'

I feel I did well, but inside, I feel terrible and still scared. BUT, I did not argue and she is self-made angry.

My counselor says not to argue and let her be angry on her own..which she is. Ugh..this sucks.

What a self-entitled wayward. She can hire an attorney, but you can't? Whatever. The only "red flags" that are being thrown up are ones signaling you aren't going to take this rolling over.

WW planned on to to manipulate you before she got home. She's angry because her plans are not working.

I've just got to quote MelodyLane, here:


http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2382700#Post2382700


Yeah, good call. I don't know how you avoided laughing, personally.

What could possibly go wrong?

If she has him on retainer now he can not represent you. This is obviously a huge conflict of interest and would get the guy disbarred.

Waywards are frequently not too in tune with the legal process.

Thanks...reading these responses made me smile out loud.

It is funny..how not arguing with her, she cannot be angry with me. All the anger goes back onto herself. It is like a sort of Zen victory. Peace at last. She even came and sat with me and daughter this afternoon...and talked about a few random things. Very strange.

Yes Waywards are a strange alien life form to observe aren't they?

You did SO well. She obviously was having that fantasy D thing going on in her head and now she KNOWS that isn't going to happen. Don't back down. She may become even MORE manipulative. I don't remember if you have been advised, but I would keep a VAR on at ALL times when talking to her. You don't know what she will try to pull.

Ok, two things I need big help from here tonight.

1. When his name was brought up today and she swore there has been no contact since her attorney said not to (Friday will be three weeks), she started crying. Was visibly sad all afternoon. Admitted to why she was sad during dinner. She misses him. Period. That sucks to me. BUT, BUT BUT that could be a good thing for me? Is she in withdrawal now being FORCED not to talk/contact him and not being able to? Do those feelings just go away? Or does she start resenting me for 'dragging' on this marriage? Tell me how this works.

2. She works for a company on the side and has for the past two years. This weekend, there is an event about an hour from OM's town. I volunteered to go with her and bring baby so we can 'spend evening' together (basically, I don't trust her anywhere close to his town). She is offering to 'drive' home every evening (3.5 hours) instead. Either way, sucks. One, I don't trust that they won't run into each other, but that could happen anyway even if we go, just no spending the night will happen. Because if they see each other, withdrawal starts from zero right? Two, I really don't want to drag our daughter out of town for the weekend, but when it comes to this, I will. Or, I can pull a lovebuster and tell her she cannot go? Either way, not a great option available..so what do I do?

3. We are going to a counselor next week. A 'marriage friendly' counselor. I am scared of the outcome, what will come out, etc. Any advice on this as I have never been and we know we have different goals for counsel right now. She even ordered four books on 'co-parenting' last night. I told her I would not be reading those books because I am nowhere close to that stage.

Basically, her missing the OM made me feel a bit hopeless inside, so back to these great forums to help me 'stand tall' again and give me the confidence that keeps me going after all of this 'crap' I'm going through.

1) Missing OM is good. It's a lot better than not missing him because she's still seeing him. IF she maintains NC while you drag this out, you might have a chance.

2) Prevent contact by all means necessary. Just go with her and make sure there is NC. Prevent any "run-ins" from occurring.

3) Why are you going to a counselor? If it isn't to save your marriage, you are wasting your time and your money. If you decide to go, let the counselor you are only there to participate in activities to rebuild your marriage not facilitate divorce. If that isn't the purpose of the meeting, then just leave.

Yes, she knows I am only going to save my marriage, and the counselor will know that up-front. Period. And this is a 'marriage friendly' counselor so she is committed in saving the marriage.....her description on her site.

A marriage can be the most rewarding relationship we can have, yet the most challenging too! Couples face the difficult challenge of maintaining a strong foundation of connection and intimacy, while allowing the relationship enough flexibility to adjust to the constant changes in life. This is not an easy task, even for the strongest of marriages. In therapy, I work with couples to build on their current strengths and to explore and implement new ways to manage conflict and improve communication patterns. At times, couples face huge stumbling blocks such as affairs, illness, addiction, struggles in parenting, and difficulty managing relationships with extended family. At these times, couples often feel hopeless, resentful, angry, and disconnected. But, there is hope! In therapy, I work hard to provide a safe, nurturing environment to address and confront these painful and sensitive issues. Like most important things in life, these relationships take a great deal of hard work, but the reward of a safe, trusting, fun, and deeply connected marriage is well worth it! I have extensive training and experience in working with couples and families. I deeply value your marriage and am committed to doing everything possible to facilitate the changes you desire in your relationship.

And get this, today, while telling me she is sad for him, she says 'you know, it isn't him that is causing this at all. He isn't the catalyst.'

WAYWARD TALK AT ITS BEST. I just repeated what she told me. "So, he isn't the catalyst and has nothing to do with this is what you are saying right." Funny..she thought I was tape recording her with that response Not really funny, sad actually, but that is my life these days.

And yesterday, she asked 'you're not going to drag this out for 18 years are you?"

Oh, does this crap make sense in their minds? Not having a logical mind at home drives me bonkers. You can't argue with dumb. This is so frustrating.

Soon it may become funny at times too. Especially when people on here will tell you what she is going to say, and she SAYS it. I would hear WH say something and I would think, "The people on MB were SO right." It is comforting too.

Hang tough.

I don't think you're the only one dragging your feet. Someone is not sure she wants a divorce.