It has been 5+ months since I found out about my wife's affair.
For three months, there was nothing but lies(if she spoke of it at all). Since, she just won't talk about it.

The reason being is that she can't stop thinking of him. She says she loves me, but is "addicted to this situation". I hate the term.

I have 2 children that I will die for. They need their mother, and I am struggling to end things because I can't break the hearts of my girls.

I do love my wife, and have told her that I can get past this if she can.

I have asked her to sell our house and move to another. I ask this to get away from where the affair took place(mostly communications, but also a couple of dates).

The house is a very sentimental thing for my wife, so this also works as a way to prove her love for me through sacraficing something that has meaning to her.

She has said that she cannot do it. She wants to stay with me, but can't commit to giving up the house.

My questions to anyone with an answer. Am I being unreasonable? Is 5 months after the affair not enough time?

I have been through this before and am currently going through this again. Sadly some things do take time the WS is not rational when she is in a fog. Have you confronted the OM or know who it is?

I don't know him personally. He lives an hour and a half away.
I have spoken to him twice.

The first conversation was to tell him that he need to stop contacting her while she is with me. If she leaves I can do nothing, but he needs to start showing some respect.

After not complying with my first request, I called him again. A couple months later. At this point, my wife's pour desicion making and lies has got me worrying about my children's well being.

I spoke to him to let him know that it is not about me right now. That he needs to give her the chance to figure herself out, and that the only thing he is doing now is strenthening the chance of my wife losing her children.

I don't know if it was the right thing to do, but it was how I felt.

Mckl, what is your plan?
Are you working at using the MB tools?

Freshday- I also read your post earlier. What you are going through is what I fear most. I know if it happens again to me, there would be no more. I am just trying to survive this one.

Is the OM married? Does his wife know?

Start by reading up on some of the MB principles. It seems like your wife might still be in a fog over the affair - that doesn't mean it's hopeless, but that she honestly IS addicted to the OM, as sickening as it feels.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2370240#Post2370240

Read this thread, and the links.
Formulate a plan.

I have given my wife a week to decide if she will sell our house and move. the topic has been out there for 2 months.

My hope is that she does love me, and will see that her sacrafice is minimal.

If she can, I plan to move ahead full speed, and prove to her that we can be stronger than ever.

I love my wife, and cannot live without my daughters. However, I feel that she owes me the proof of her love for me. Without it, I don't see the point in dragging it out.

He is not married. At least I don't think so

mckl,at this point, selling the house will not remove WW from her affair. She can still call/email the OM. Sell the house as an EP, once you are in recovery, not now.

Her being fogged out does not mean she doesn't love you. It just means she can't see it right now.

When sacrifice = proof of love .... The one who must sacrifice will (eventually) build resentments.

Do you want a resentful wife?

You're not here to actually learn / implement the MB concepts, are you?

My issue with the house is very severe. At least for me, although I am sure alot of people have the same issues.

For me, every room in the house has meaning.
-the basement room I built is where she spent alot of time chatting online (I call those her dates)
-the bedroom where she lay there writing to him how much she wished she was there/ talking on the phone while laying in my bed
-the kitchen where she made him dinner
-Sitting down anywhere wondering if this is where they were together.

Every part of the house where she made my girls cry because she was upset being here

It is very hard to stay here. I know that I need to get away from the location of the affair.

mckl, I fully understand. There is no life in constantly wondering or worrying about whether or not something is going on. I don't want it, and no one deserves it. Sometimes there is a double-life taking place and a dual identity created. This is so that WS's can have their cake and eat it to. Many times when there is an ultimatum between family and the OM the WW will choose family. Unfortunately in the early stages of this it is not the spouse that is considered but the children. Take that if you can for now and start working on your marriage. The good news is that while all of this is painful it is not as "serious" as some others. I don't know if that is the right word though. Hang in there. You will be in our prayers.

Pepperband- I do want to learn. I know alot of people have more experience with this than I do. As with most in my situation, I am trying to survive.

I believe in love there is always sacrafice. If the need is great, things need to happen.

Sacrafice with resentment is not a true sacrafice.

Your thread is titled "Why am I still here?"

Your answer: "Your wife is in an affair."

Until the affair ends there will be no rational talk about how she needs to prove her love, or how the house needs to be sold. These things should be talked about logically after the affair has ended and you are either in recovery or divorce.

She is still in a fog, still having an affair, and you want to talk about the house? She knows she has control over you and the marriage and has no respect for you right now. In her mind there is no need to move or sell the house. She likes it there and enjoys her affair, the kids, and you supporting her. How aweome is that for her?

This is not sacrifice, but it is better than sacrifice

POJA

By forcing your wife to sacrifice something then resentment builds up. If she does not leave you build up resentment. What you need to do is find what you can boath agree to do, and you both are extreamly happy about. Ultimatums and threats are some of the worst things you can do. Especially with a WS that does not care about the threat or ultimatum because they do not respect you.

My husband brought his mistress to our house several times while I was away. EVERY SINGLE ROOM is a place where they violated our marriage vows. It makes me want to throw up to think about it. But, instead of forcing the house issue right now, why not work on removing her from the fog and THEN push the issue? You will likely find her a lot more willing at that point. And - if you move, what's to say she won't be doing it in the new house too? You can't keep moving.

In the meantime, get rid of stuff in your house that is a trigger. Redecorate. Repersonalize it. Get rid of the office downstairs and turn it into a home gym or something. There are ways other than selling the house.

And READ THE MB MATERIAL. This will help you more than any amount of moving could do.

Wheels-spinning

Your answer is correct. She is still in the affair. I hope only in her thoughts, but I assume there is some contact via e-mail/ phone.

I don't know that I am doing things the right way. I don't think any of us do.

I know it doesn't sound like it, but the only thing I want in life is to get through this with my wife gain strenth with each other.

I am struggling to keep it together though

I trully appreciate everyone's responses and advice and I take them very seriously.
thanks to all

I think the reason I am pushing so hard is the fact that I am unable to take it much longer.

I'm sure you all have dealt with it, but the lies have to stop.

5 months later, I feel that if you are going to try to be with me, there can be no contact with the other.

I have caught her several times, and I have been very calm. Things can't work if the other is not trying

mckl, this is just about the total opposite of the MB program. As others here are trying to tell you, sacrifice is NOT recommended in marriage. That's because sacrifice = I win, you lose. Sacrifice always builds resentment, sooner or later, and resentment kills relationships.

Now, having said that - I fully understand why it WILL be absolutely necessary to sell the house. If your WW brought her boyfriend to the marital home, there would be no way you can stay there and feel good about it.

Nobody here is telling you not to sell the house.

We ARE telling you that you are jumping the gun and you have some other work to do first. THEN you and (F)WW can sell the house TOGETHER.

Read up on POJA at the link provided above.

Read up on Plan A and Plan B.

Forcing her to sell the house right now to "prove her love for you" is a huge oxymoron - don't you see that?

You can't force someone to love you by forcing them to sacrifice for you.

MB has better ways. Learn them. THEN, by all means sell the house. Or burn it down. No one here would blame you. Just do the other things FIRST, okay?