Bump for some more feedback.

Relatively good weekend. Spent a lot of good time together and avoided most R discussion. WW is now talking with her Mother about the M. Mother wont tell me the contents of the discussion though. She is a good women so I hope she is guiding her well.

My FIL and I had a good discussion. Mostly it was on patience and letting her come to her decision. I again stressed my desire to do what it takes for my M and focused on the future. Not the past. He also encouraged me to join WW this weekend at WW college town.

Pretty much in a holding pattern still. She is letting me spend alot of time with her. She did try to bait me into a small fight yesterday but I didnt bite. She calmed down pretty quick. She was having dizzy spells should I supported her as best I could. WW cooked a decent dinner that the family enjoyed.

No contact with the OM since May 10th. That was the only call and text since D Day weekend as well. Exposure looks like its been effective.

At the moment all indications are positive. She has acknowledged regret for her A. We have both apologized for our past mistakes. She is also been receptive to the changes I have made in my life. She has said things have been good since D Day. She is still waiting for me to revert to old habits though.

Any more thoughts suggestion on revisiting the last place WW and OM were together? The D-Day Location?

Yeah, quit dwelling on it.

It's not like that was the only reason she went to that city or why she is going back. Sure, you probably don't want to stay at the same hotel, but other than that, calm down and try to have some fun. Give yourself another couple months to fill up her lovebank, and she'll commit to the marriage. It's not like she has been trying to divorce you. She has shown zero inclination to leave the marriage. Just keep meeting her needs, and eventually she'll slowly start meeting yours again.

I will. Im just going to go and have fun if she wants to go. Spend a lovely day with my WW and DD4.

I just feel I have to script out every interaction still. Its tough. The not pressuring and biding my time is just not something I do well. I'm a "here is the problem, here is the solution" type. She is a over analyze type of person. I'm being patient with her and doing the right things in the house.

Since Im getting no feedback from WW on what Im doing just getting it from here instead. I know im doing the right things. Just desperate for reassurance since the stakes are so high and the turmoil my life is in sucks so much.

Has she filled out the ENs and LB questionnaires? I would get her to do so. Let her know you it doesn't mean that she has to commit to the marriage yet, but it will give you a good roadmap as to how to fill up her love bank and get her re-engaged. We can help you brainstorm ideas on how to meet her needs as well instead of just flinging stuff against the wall and hoping it sticks. No pressure, just give them to her and let her know she can fill them out at her convenience.

No I gave her SAA though. She also has Steve Harley's office number and a prepaid appointment that she just needs to set up a time.

I told her that appointment is just for information and no commitment. I think its much more likely she will talk to him than fill out a questionnaire. Ill get TONS more mileage out of WW talking to Steve as well.


ill fill one out for her and post the results.

From my appointments I know Steve has them fill out a Love bank inventory for the appointments. Though I dont think he shares them yet.

I know how "frozen" my wife is ATM. She is basically trying to avoid tipping her hand in any direction till she has made up her mind on recommitting to the M. She told me that she doesnt want to complicate things by moving back prematurely. So the odds of her filling out the forms are near nil ATM.

Sadly Im just in a holding pattern till she makes up her mind. It blows but its where I am. looking at alot of others threads i realize how good I have it atm. Ive already seen gains and its only D-Day + 1 month (happy 1 month anniversary!).

I have been reading poor BT's thread. When the 28th came up and and he found proof my heart was beating a million times a minute for him. I KNOW that hurt and I almost started crying for him in the middle of class.

Expect no reassurance from her. Expect little to nothing from her.

You want results? Dial it back. You�re doing too much and are likely smothering her. Read the 180 again.

As far as going back to the college town, look at it as a way to reclaim your marriage and give her new memories of the place.

If you can�t handle the triggers, however, then decline the trip and go elsewhere.

I have been doing too much. She knows how I feel. She sees me filling her ENs. Being pathetic is not attractive.

I'm going for the quiet, confident strength angle. When she reaches out for me Im there but otherwise im giving her the space she desires.

Im needy on here mainly because I have to get it out of my system here since I CANT do that at home. I am becoming a better person for me. The next person that loves me will benefit from those changes. I want it to be my WW but I understand It will take a while.

Try the 180 for a few days. Seriously, it gets results.

She likes the attention you give her, she just doesn't want so much of it.

She'll also be a lot more attracted to you if you seem to have a life outside of her.

Think of what it was like when you were dating. How attrated were you to a woman that called you 24/7 and wanted to do everything with you and gave you no space?

I know it's easier said than done. I was as desperate as you are. I saw results with the 180, which isn't Plan "Be an A hole". It really is about restoring confidence in yourself, being cool, and becoming James Bond: A cool guy who is attractive.

She doesn't want to do something? Ok. Head out with DD4 on your own. She can come along if she wishes.

Want to go out for the night and she doesn't? Go out. Meet up with a guy friend for a beer. Invite her and tell her where you'll be.

Want to go on a bike ride and she doesn't? Go.

Get the picture? Don't base your actions on her. Base them on what you want to do. Lead and she will follow. It might take her a bit, but she'll eventually follow.

So true. It wasnt till I stopped mooning over her and starting dating another girl till she wanted a committed relationship. We were married a year later.


I am running and doing stuff out of the house now. I go shopping. Im buying a new slimmer wardrobe. Ive already lost 15 pounds and 2 inches off my waist on the weight watchers/ infidelity diet.

I do ask her if she needs stuff though but I dont freak if she doesnt want it. I am trying to hone in my lvl of care. I dont want to go to a ignore her and be rude to her plan though since I want to meet her ENs.


Im trying for that. Im a work in progress.

Trip to my WW's college town is a go this weekend. With or without her.

Told her I was taking DD4 up there because she will enjoy it. WW said she would go for our daughter. Not sure if she plans to stay in the same room, get her own hotel room or just drive up the same day. i know she is willing to do that since she drove the 7 hr round trip twice in 48 hrs to roll in the gutter with the OM.

Regardless its a good chance to show im not afraid of the place. It also travel and thats WWs favorite thing. She has perked up on all of the day trips so far. Im looking forward to doing the amusement park with DD4 and hopefully filling the wifes love bank some more.

Quick question

The wife has been making comments like, "Ive got to learn to do this on my own." Kinda referring to life without me.

Should I read anything into it?

I thought WW wanted you to go with her to college town with DD, now she doesn't?

WW is going with me. Thats still on.

Its more just a separate issue. She is deathly afraid of bugs. usually she runs and gets me. Last night she insisted on killing it and disposing of it. When asked WW said. "I have to start to learn to handle these things on my own"

She has been insisting on dealing with DD4 by herself.

These are really the ONLY negative signs. She has been open to me spending time with her and doing trips together. This weekend she may even sleep in the same room. We will see on that.

Just not sure if I need to be worried. Not much I can do anyways.

Exactly, you can only control your actions. Focus on you and DD, you will drive yourself nuts if you try to work out what everything she says and does means.

Bad night.

Not terribly bad but i didnt play it well. been depressed all day. Didn't do well at a test at work but im getting used to that. Havent been able to study really since D Day.

Its also the 1 month anniversary of me confronting my WW.

I missed my DW so much today. I came home kinda down and the 180 feel apart.

Time I saw her I asked for a hug which she gave. She held me for like a minute and asked whats wrong. Just told her im having a rough day.

I brought them pizza and went running with DD4. My WW wasnt feeling well so went to bed. I asked her if she could talk to me for a minute. I wanted to go through Steve harley's script again and see if she would committ to an appointment next week. She said she would talk but didnt want to because she was feeling poorly. I just dropped it then since I could tell she wasnt up to it.

before i left her I gave her a hug. While she didnt hug me back (She was holding a book) she didnt stop me. She also allowed me to kiss her on the forehead a couple of times.

I asked her for a kiss (yea I know I was being needy) and she politely declined. I knew she would but I just had to ask.

At that point I got some composure and left the room before I did something stupider.

Overall she didnt act upset by it. I just looked kinda pathetic and needy. I'll bounce back though tommorow. Looking forward to this weekend and maybe getting to stay the night in the same room as her. I miss her so much.

Bumping. The one month anniversary of Mr Toads wild ride (PI chasing her across 2 states) has got me down.

Just need some motivation.

Just ensure there is NC between WW and OM and keep up your plan A, and I promise things will be better in a couple months.

It sounds like you need a vacation. When you get down, start researching and planning your next vacation. Where do you want to go? I'm heading to Ireland next Wednesday for 9 days. Whenever I get down or stressed, I just do a little more research on things I should see when I am over there. Back when I was starting recover, I was planning a trip to the Pacific Northwest. We spent a week going through Portland, Columbia River Gorge, Columbia Valley wine country, and Seattle. In about another month when she's a little less wayward, maybe you can start planning a trip with her. Planning a trip is fun and meets ENs.

Where would you like to go?

I can tell you, for the money, I don't think you can beat Mexico. I went to the Riviera Maya last fall for a weak and it was awesome and relaxing. I just looked it up. If you can get your ILs to watch the kid for a week, you can get 8 days/7 nights all inclusive at a nice resort (we stayed at the Iberostar Tucan and I would recommend it) for under $2000 total (in October, which probably would be the best month to go). You can't get airfare and a hotel for a week anywhere else that cheap, and then all your meals are included as well. I'm spending $2000 just in airfare to Ireland. Luckily, the best man in my wedding got transfered there for 6 months and we have free lodging.

Good idea.

Ive floated the idea of a European cruise to the WW. She wants to go im sure but wont commit till she recommits to the M.


She will be all about this. Im planning the trip mid august. Hopefully that will be enough time for her to defog enough.

This is her dream vacation that she always asked for and I never wanted to go. She is starting to get over stuff like that.


The European cruise is like 900 a person. Gotta pay for airfare there though so its gonna be pricey as well. The dates of the cruise just fit so well into my work schedule.

Great idea though. Ill start looking at excursions and locations and sending her the brochures on it. That way she can see im serious and she will get more and more curious.

When you're needy, you turn her off. Keep that in mind when you find yourself in that place.

Find a way to detatch emotionally. It's tough, but you have to find a way to do it.

I've lived what you're going through. It's like a thirsty man hoping for a drop of water.

Whatever she gives you will be out of pity. Keep that in mind.

So true.