He was the one that told me we would have SF when he got home. Since I had asked for it that morning and we did not, that is when he said we would when he got home later that day. Since (besides this past week), we went from darn near daily to once in 2 weeks (which again, even after child birth we did not go that long) recently, I was enjoying getting back into the swing of things. I understand what you are saying, though. I do not feel I am needing to SF all of the time to keep him from straying. The only time I felt like that was right after the EA. I am secure in my sexuality, but I understand from the outside, most people would view my drive as having some sort of issues that I am "using" SF to cure.

You are also right about if I got sick. I have asked myself that question so many times, I have lost count. It is one of the things I wanted to talk about at some point with my IC/MC. That I do not have much faith that my H would be there for me if I really needed him to be. I have never felt he was before, then the EA in the situation I was in, well... it is a sad thing to feel. I wish I felt differently.

My best friend went through breast cancer right when we turned 30. Her partner at the time was horribly unsupportive and downright cruel at times to her. "Quit acting like you are the only person on the planet with cancer" he said to her more than a few times. Sickening. Watching her go through that, then deal with it on her own as a single parent was heartbreaking. We ( best friend and I) have talked about it before, about how if something like that happened to me, that I am not sure my M would survive.

Thank you, OH. Great points, and it talked me down a little (meaning talked me down from picking a battle that would not be healthy).

So... now I am going to try and not DJ in my head how the conversation will go when I bring up how he spoke in front of my son. He has said something along these lines about 4 times in the last week alone, and has been very curt, short and annoyed anytime they speak. This is not like him. It has also been 3 solid weeks of day in/day out 24/7 since my older two have seen their father because of his work travel. I think he was acting out because he (and we) need a break.

So, last night when our SF did not work out, I left the bedroom (this was around 8 pm) and told him he seemed he could use some extra sleep, so he went to sleep. I came out and chatted with Jayne and Retread (thank you both, I needed the support) until damn near midnight.

This morning I was not expecting SF, I did not pursue it, either. He got up a bit earlier than he has been lately and started getting ready to go to work. Made a couple of comments to my son about him needing to be ready to go right that very moment, and when my son told him was eating toast, my H told him to hurry it up. Then H proceeds to spend the next 20 minutes in the kitchen preparing ribs for a BBQ he is doing at work. The BBQ he has known about for 2 weeks, but shopped for (and told me about) last night on his way home, when he was already an hour later than he said he would be to get home. Back tracking a bit, he told me last night when he got home "I need to take your van to work tomorrow" (because the BBQ does not fit in his car). He did not ask, just told me. Did not put the car seats for the kids into his car, so I am here today with no way to go anyplace. I suppose this would be a DJ to say my H assumes I have nothing to do today, or anyplace to go.

I told him last night my van was out of gas. I had just noticed it right before I got back home yesterday from the grocery store. This seems to annoy him. But again, he never drives m van, so me being out of gas is simply something I would just take care of next time I got in it. To me, it is a non issue. You run out of gas, you get more. Thats it. So this morning while he is loading up bags of food and whatnot into my van, he says "you are out of gas, arent you - I dont have TIME for this", then "look, I don't even have enough to get down the hill"!

I did not respond other than "Yes, I told you last night I ran out of gas, I am sorry". Quick peck and off he went.

Standing still, LA. I am standing still. Starting to feel like treading water, but it is the best I can do today.

I think what you have to do is permanently assign him tasks. Ironing is to be done the night before.

I remember when my oldest was a baby, I would nurse her in the morning and I wanted him to get her dressed (so he would spend time with her too). He said "If I have time". I said something like: "You have time to take a shower, you have time to get dressed, you have time to brush your teeth. Make the time for this too." He did.

I find also with my kids if there is someone else (sister) who could possibly do a task (how come she doesn't have to do it!) I get more resistance than if I say "This is your task, this is her task"...or "You help with dinner on even days and help with dishes on odd days"...they accept this.

My kids are much more accepting to that, and it works for them (us).

Now, nothing sticks with my H.

Nothing.

I have tried so many approaches/ideas. BTDT, nothing sticks.

The only problem with this is that unless the "late" person cares that they eat with everyone, then they slowly get estranged from everyone else.
My oldest daughter requires 3 or 4 calls upstairs to get her up on a weekend for breakfast. It would be easier for me to not bother and let her eat cold food. I don't think she would care if she ate alone or ate cold food. But she is 16 and I know it is better for her in the long run if I make her eat with us.

My DH got used to not eating dinner with us at all during the week.

I would POJA a time with your husband for dinner that he thinks he can make 90% of the time and then stick to it. If he misses too many then re-POJA it.

This was a perfect time to make some Admiration Deposits!
"You mean DH? Yes, I am so proud of him!"

So, I am having another one of those over-tired days. I mentioned before, I had blood work up done, and ruled out anything physical that would be contributing to me feeling like this all of the time. I am way behind on how I normally keep the house up. It looks terrible and I do not even know where to start, let alone have a single physical motivation to do so. I am just spent. I even tried to nap when the younger 2 napped, but I do not feel more rested.

My H has been talking about hosting a BBQ here for some of his friends (so the one I cannot stand will be coming over). When he expressed interest in doing that, I asked if he would be willing to do things around the house to prepare for it, and he agreed. He picked up a little bit downstairs the other night, but we have a 3 story house. I did thank him for picking up those few items. Honestly, I am not sure what it is he did, because it still looks like a trainwreck to me with things all over the place. He did take out the trash, though.

Well, here it is Friday. The agreement we made was to have the BBQ on Sunday, and he and I would have a date day to go wine tasting tomorrow (Sat). Well, that fell through because we cannot find a babysitter. Without talking to me about changing the BBQ to tomorrow, when we talked about it last night, he said that the weather will be better tomorrow, so he just assumed I knew we would have it tomorrow.

The house is a mess. A lot needs to be done before it is ready to host people over, especially when his friend and his wife and child will be staying over (again, nothing he has discussed with me previous, this is just what takes place when they come to visit - they live 45 min away), because that adds an extra bedroom and bathroom to the list of things to do.

Since a clean house is not a concern to my H and he says his friends do not care if that house is messy, I am sitting here trying not to stress out about it. But it IS important to me to have a clean house for company. If we have the BBQ tomorrow, that puts me cleaning all day. it is already 1:30, I am exhausted and physically incapable right now of getting much done. My H worked hard all week and will not want to come home to clean on a Fri night (not DJing, just knowing from past history). So, last weekend when we had this discussion about getting the house ready for company and he agreed, here is Friday afternoon and the only thing that has happened was the trash taken out and a ladder moved (that had been downstairs for a month when he put up the screen).

Help me find the motivation. I have no idea why I am so tired like this. This task ahead of me is anything but enthusiastic because A) I am too tired and B) I do not feel up to company and C) I do not even LIKE the company.

I agree I had the opportunity here and I missed it. He was just SO stressed out yesterday and it felt more like adding pressure than being admiring, if that makes any sense?

G, have you told your H that you're not up for hosting his friends? That you don't even like these people?

More times than I can count. Back before we started having issues, this was the only area we struggled. It was the only thing we argued about. He always defends his friend.

I do like the guy's wife. She is nice. Would I choose to hang out with her on my own? No.

ETA: Since he knows I do not like him, he will have a big BBQ, and invite a few other people over to give me a buffer, but most of the time it ends up just being his friend.

Then how about you attempt a POJA that he stays home, with the kids and his friends he knows you don't care for, and you spend the day at the winery?

This IS an option, and I looked into it! All of my friends have prior plans, being it is a 3 day weekend. I do not want to go alone.

Also, I do not want the guy's wife to feel like I do not like her by leaving. Since I cannot stand going to their house (it is kind of gross), my H goes over there and I stay behind. If I leave while she is here, then it will appear I am trying to avoid her, and I do not want her to feel that way.

psst...ask her to go with you. lol.

You could always throw a rock through their window with a note wraped around it saying "do not ever go to (list your address) again." Then sign it anonymus. She'll never know it was you and they'll never come over again!

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh! Ahahahaa. I am so tired, I totally missed your point. That is negotiable, sure. I can talk to H about it. Knowing her H, he will not let her go (cuz then he would have to watch his kid), but it is worth a shot.

Hahahaaa!!

I did sent him a scathing email once and told him that my house was not a bachelor pad, not a party place, not a motel - that he is damn near 40 and if he just HAS to come over and visit and stay the night, he was old enough to rent a room at a motel! That worked for about 6 months, then the "brovernights" started back up again. Not near as much as they used to, but they still happen.

and I just realized I have not been kid/duty free in 504 hours.

OMG.

Are these the men who come over, get drunk, and crash at your house overnight, even though you have kids at the house? Do they still do this? Who would be enthusiastic about this around your kids?!

(((Hugs))) Better days are ahead

Yes. Well, not men plural (sometimes there are 2), but yes. Once, the guy I cannot stand actually went into my son's bedroom (he was 10/11 at the time) at FIVE in the morning and told my son to get up and go sleep on the couch so he could have his bed.

Our M was not pretty for a while after that one.

My H feels that since our house is large and his friend is poor, and "at least we aren't out at the bars getting drunk", this behavior is fine. No, I do not agree. No, we have never seem to find an agreement that he has stuck to.