Yes, Pep.


...at the end of the day, Pep, the only person one really has to answer to...is oneself!

...the challenge is in getting TO KNOW ....oneself... and I am trying...REALLY hard!

I respect you a lot Pep, and really appreciate you 'keeping track' of me. It means a lot.

Hi FF

Update.

Been busy with family matters so took a trip down to see them (one day drive one-way) - DS14 came along and it was very enjoyable - and am just back: among other things, family is dealing with 'losses': sudden 'unexpected' death of an aunt...who was a major support system for my three cousins and their young families. Unfortunately, uncle so far had chosen slow death of alcoholism and depression.... will he step up to the plate for his kids? We will see....as well as the 'expected' death of my very elderly grandmother (who lives in another country!)

On my homefront: WS is 'dragging' his feet on his end of the bargain!

WS always claimed 'I' was 'holding things up'....HE now is apparently slightly 'overwhelmed'...not sure with what: work? lovelife? Need to 'regroup' from 'reality checks': hard to believe Luna wants NOTHING to do with him (as long as he is in R with OP) for real?

Don't know and don't care!

Sometimes, it takes an awful lot of time for a WS to 'get it'...ACTIONS do speak louder than words.... on my end, very effective N/C with WS (with very very minimum contact re boys!)

I have projects/activities that keep me quite busy.

Have adopted quite well the 'go with the flow' attitude and focus mostly on what 'I' can do to move things forward...and I do!

Have a good day everybody.

Imagine that.....


Once he winds things up with you, then he's on the hook to make a committment to her and maybe he doesn't want to do that?


Good for you Luna. You have come a long way and really are a new and improved model!!!!

Luna,

So sorry to hear of the family losses! My thoughts and prayers are with you all.

Ah, the dragging of the feet. Imagine that! I'm with Chai & Pep - he's blamed YOU for sooooo long. Now what? Reality? Certainly can't expect him to deal with that now can we? YES!

Kinda like Drac. I heard this week that he broke up with the latest Ho. From what I gather she was under the impression he was going to marry her & she can't understand why not! She's still pushing hard but he'd said no way. I 'almost' feel sorry for her. But I have better things to do with my time - As do you when it comes to your foot dragging WS!

You keep right on doing what you are doing. It seems to be working well & I'm so happy for you!

Thanks CL, Pep and Bugs.

It's surprising and comforting to come to my thread and read your thoughts and have your support.

...and it looks like now, when I get 'triggered' by WS , the first thing that comes to mind....is to reach out to the Board...and that's good!

I communicate with WS via short and 'to the point' emails...but WS 'exceptionally', and not knowing it was him, just called me at the office (...I would have preferred NOT ...he could have answered me by email!)...because I acknowledge that hearing his voice does still 'trigger' me....it takes me back to the past....and future dreams that will not be... but I now willingly accept what could be considered 'a discouraging fact'... that I may never totally be able to NOT be triggered by WS/thoughts of WS... (...because so much of my past life is tied into his!... not the least of which is our two boys!)

...and that it's OK!

Oh well I will take it as an opportunity to measure how far I have come... see how I am better able to handle the 'triggering'... how to best minimize the impact/pain... how quickly I can get back to the present... by honestly answering the question, if given the choice, today, would I really want WS in my life 'as he is now'? ...not really....not unless/until he comes 'clean' and acknowledges the impact of his choices on myself and the boys, not unless/until he stops 'justifying' unjustifiable behaviour and is ready and willing to do what it takes to change...

...which is unlikely to happen given the amount of effort it would take on his part and how deep WS is into the laland 'illusion'!

..and so, life goes on...I continue on with the path of healing I have taken...

...one big last hurdle to surmount.... the 'official' paperwork of the D (which will help to further minimise contact with WS) which has been set in motion...and it just a matter of time.

Thanks for 'listening' to me. It means a lot to me to be able to come here and 'share'.

Well helloooo there,

Were your ears burning. I was just praying about you this morning wondering how you are doing.

You sound good, but I can still hear that pain inside and I just want to smack that WH for this.

I know you are handling it fine, walking through the feelings like you have learned to do, but it still hard to see when someone I care very deeply for continues to have hurts.

What are some of the successes you are having?

Hi QUEENIE!



...yes, the pain is there and I know it...and I am getting better and better at 'handling it'!



I 'hear' yea...thanks for the concern.



Well...your question gives me a chance to do an 'inventory' of some of the things I am grateful for, and so I thank you for asking:

- I have fewer but more considerate friends;
- I am part of a support group that meets regularly in which we all help each other heal our wounds, learn healthy coping skills, etc;
- I have two beautiful growing boys whose presence I cherish before they are off on 'their own';
- I enjoy my work (and get along with my colleagues), which gives me a sense of purpose and of making a positive difference in people's lives, while providing me with financial stability;
- I am in good health;
- I have family members that care very much about my well-being;

...to name a few.

I hope you are doing well, Queenie... I am not too 'techie' but will take time to locate your thread and see for myself.

Take care.

Luna, this is so unlikely at this stage of the game. And would you really even want this man back after everything he has put you through? I hope not, because you have so outgrown this man that I doubt you could ever be really content with him again.

You are light years beyond anything that he could ever be.....

Don't settle.

Luna,

You really are doing well. Staying busy, recognizing your success & how far you have come, and being thankful for the wonderful blessings in your life.

YOUR life. It's yours to live as you choose.

Keep up the great work. When you think how far you have come. The thoughts of not wanting him back without all of the things you list are OK. It's another step.

I don't think all of us lose all hope that someday they will at least own up to the damage path their actions left behind. I know I haven't totally let go of that hope. Do I expect it will really ever happen? No. But that's ok, too. My oldest sister FINALLY got an apology from her ex. Unfortunately, it was 20 years after the fact and when they were standing over the casket of their oldest son. How terribly sad it was in so many ways. I would never want it to happen that way. So, I try to be careful what I wish for in that regard.

Like I told Chai, don't forget to stop & do a little dance every now and then!!

Thanks for your thoughts and for dropping by CL!

WS's attempts at wanting to establish a 'friendly co-parenting R' with me recently (or just to alleviate his guilt a little ), offered me the chance (again) to clarify matters (to WS and more importantly to myself ), when he suggested that 'I' was the one unsatisfied with the 'co-parenting R' he was offering (for the sake of the boys) and, at the same time, asking me to respect his new R/life.

Here's a summary of my reply (more or less, reaffirming PBL content):

...that if on one hand I respected his 'right' to choose what Rs he invested in, I took into account the impact of his choices on myself and our family.

That should he want to be in ANY R with me , FIRST, he needed to end R with OP, and then have a plan to how to repair the damage done.

In the meantime, should an 'in-depth' discussion be necessary concerning the boys, we would seek the assistance of a mediator (limiting 'direct contact' only to emergencies related to boys, while I continue to learn to lead my life 'without him'), and NOT to expect anything more.

Hi Bugs,



I agree, and I choose to live it with as little contact as possible with 'inconsiderate' people (read: WS 'mind-set')


Bugs, I think 'owning up' ONLY on the part of a WS many years later would bring little comfort and satisfation to a BS as it still falls under 'words are cheap' (unless its supported by some 'actions'). I would think, this late in the game, it would only be of benefit to the WS, because in a WS 'mind-set' one lives in a world based on/of 'lies'...and so can never be 'true to yourself' until you start 'owing up'!


Yes, very sad, as it was too little too late for your sis, I would think. I only hope that it put HIM on a path of redemption, for HIS sake!

Regrets are no fun. I think one of the purposes of PBLs and Plan B is so that the BS not have any regrets in the future, and to make sure that WS cannot one day say (when it's too late) that s/he was not given the opportunity to 'repair damage done'. I know that in my case, he has, and he didn't! (which will give him all the more reasons to have regrets as he will not be able to 'blame' anybody else but himself !



I won't

My work offers me opportunity to travel. So, I am off all of next week (work & play), and another week in May with a trip to Europe...and I am sooo looking forward to these trips!

...and now want to thank all those that make this Board possible (Marriage Builders 'people' and all the Board members) so that those impacted with the traumatic experiences involving affairs have a place....TO SHARE and SUPPORT each other!

and....a HAPPY EASTER TO EVERYBODY THAT CELEBRATES IT!

Hi everybody,


Well...I just got back from my last 'big' business trip of the year, where I added extra days so that I could explore three beautiful cities (that I had never imagined I would EVER visit!)

Also, DS19 who I believe struggled to get some 'traction' in his life since the family 'break-up' and had taken a year off studies (with Luna crossing fingers and DEEP breathing on the sideline), this Spring applied and got accepted into a very demanding intensive program (meant to lead him into HIS 'dream job')!

So...life is good.

Re WS, best practice is still to know as little as possible about WS, yet tolerate just enough information to help boys feel comfortable sharing the minimum they need to about being in their 'dad's world' but not enough to 'drag me down'.

To BS 'newbies':

If you ask me what's one thing I can now say 'FOR SURE'?

Even though you have been forced onto a road you did not choose, please remember to take very good CARE OF YOURSELVES as the road to personal recovery (with or without marital recovery) to get 'balance' back in your life CAN be a loooong one.

Although this may sound discouraging to some , the intention of my honesty is just the contrary.... so that you will be less discouraged KNOWING full well the scope of the challenge ahead, so that you can prepare for the MARATHON...and come out the other side....not only having survived the ordeal, but THRIVING!

Hugs to all.

In re-reading my last post, to reassure me that there is no room for 'misleading' anyone, I would like to add that when I say:


I am talking about getting comfortable with a NEW NORMAL...

That is not to say that in my case, the thought of, among other things 'of how wonderful it would be were I be able to share my joyfulness and pride at DS19's accomplishments with HIS dad' doesn't come up, because it does.

The difference is... a few years ago it would 'hurt like hell' not being able to....and now...I can manage to reduce it to being a very BIG twinge at the heart! ...as I try to focus my energy to some more productive activity like, say.... getting the laundry done!

Again...surviving an affair is a process... where every 'little victory' needs to be celebrated and underscored and used to nudge us along forward....and the sooner you can get started doing this, the better you will, NOT avoid the pain of the loss, but reduce it..substantially.

I may get 2 x 4 'ed for bringing this up agian.... but it sounds like you have (or are learning) about positive detachment.

Livestrong.c@m has a great page about this.

It works for plan A, B or D. It has helped me.

Good for you LM!

TO: Bugs (if you come here)

It's catch up time for me.

Maybe I should know how to figure this out (as probably there are ways to do so)

....know that I am trying to figure out on which thread I can get current updates on you.

Been looking in Divorcing/Divorced....the forum on which you intended to start a thread....have you Bugs?

Luna,

So glad to hear that you are doing well. You are a shining example of personal recovery and we are proud of you. Proof that working on yourself will lead to the right place. Surviving an Affair has made several of us around here much better people. And to think of how broken we all were when we came here......

Life is full of surprises!

Check in more often!!!

Is your D final now?

Hi, Luna!

ITA with Chai.

Hi Barbie,

I had missed your post.


I say: if there's gotta be detachment, might as well be positive!

CL and Fox,

Thanks for dropping by.


...and yes, I agree, life is full of surprises, isn't it?


No, not yet, but it's coming along just nicely. We're into putting the dots on the Is.

Now, back to some catching up.