My OW is single also...and she has had her claws in my WH for two and a half years now after Dday....

They do not live together. There is something else going on there Stillhere. Nobody can get it out of my mind that, when WH does not move in with OW is because they are cheating on OW with yet OWs...
They want to be free to date. So they cake eat using the original OW the one they left the M for.
I am convinced that this is what my H does. Sure, he uses OW as the permanent OW, the one that gives him rides, is around enough to keep him company...but also, if the occasion arises he will not shy away from sleeping with others. No way he would say no....
This is also what you H is doing Stillhere...I can't be certain,but it could very well be.
They are in a bachelor's lifestyle. That's waht it is. Till they hit the bottom they will continue as it is...keeping OW on the side as long asshe want to eat the scrapts
blessing

5%

The only reason I bring this up, is because when a lot of BW's start thinking about affairs, they kinda blindly assume that almost all affairs are perpetrated by married men and single women. When the truth is that the actual numbers are far different, and most stats are pointing toward female cheater's eclipsing male soon, if not already.

Yeah, thats a good point, atena. You are right.....I dont think he will ever hit bottom though...Why would he ever give up his bachelor lifestyle...

Gack, so are you saying that only about 5% of divorces filed by women is because their H is having an affair...Its probably true, but it just sounds so low to me....There are just so many BWs that I see filing for divorce themselves....

I think a lot of folks confuse most visible, most publicized with most frequent.

Think of it this way. There are 1-2 earthquakes every day on planet earth. We only hear about them if they are newsworthy.

The same is likely true for divorces. We don't hear about them all. We hear about the ones that are particularly "juicy"

So the "juicy" ones seem common, but the other 95% of them are run of the mill, so they don't get the coverage.

I'm not sure 5% is the number, but it wouldn't shock me given what Dr H says about BW being very reluctant to choose divorce.

We hear about the affairs here because this is largely what this site is about. We don't hear about the "low conflict" divorces where there is no marital misconduct because those folks seem to have just given up and head towards divorce.

An affair is a sucker punch and gets the attention of the betrayed spouse. Other modes of ending the marriage may not have the same impact, nor provide the same motivation as an affair, therefore we don't see as many of those cases here.

See my above analogy regarding earthquakes for a possible explanation regarding why it seems you "see" so many BWs and how that may not reflect the complete data set.

Im talking about IRL too, though....When friends and family and acquaintences heard about my sitch....I hear about so many, older and younger, people who have been through divorce (none of them were without an A, coincidentally)...yes I did hear 2 stories about WW filing for divorce....but I would say to that two I have heard about 10 BW who have divorced their WH...

I know that is not an accurate perception of the society as a whole...but I just wanted to point out that I wasnt just talking about the media and such....


PS funny I didnt hear of any BH filing though...weird now that I think of it...

Most of these were from my WH family though (and its huge) so maybe that has something to do with it...they are a bunch of cake eaters the men in that family.....

The other thing to think about is WHEN in the marriage is the divorce chosen. As I've said before, if it's in the first 10 years of the marriage, it's more likely the woman choosing the divorce.

Why?

I believe there are a number of reasons that go into the decision. The feelings of neglect. After all, she's likely raising children now, he's heavily involved in a career to support his family, she's just as engrossed in the kids and BOTH are neglecting one another.

Why does she choose rather than him? Again, many factors likely go into the decision. She's emotionally bonded with her children, at the detriment to her husband. How many times do we hear husbands say he feels like he comes 2nd or 3rd after the children instead of being the #1 person in his wife's life? He's still attached to her because he can be attached to his wife, his kids, his job due to the typical ability to compartmentalize. Generally (but not always) women are not as good at compartmentalization as men, so if they are a mom, they may not "feel" like a wife or lover.

Once she's emotionally attached to her kids and less so to her husband, and loses her identity, (How many stories of a WW have we heard where she says she has to find herself) she finds herself due to the attention of another man.

Her husband won't file because he has a legitimate fear of losing his kids, his home, and certainly his wife. She will file because she has no attachment to him and has far less to fear when it comes to losing in a divorce action.

Furthermore, as has been mentioned humorously in the Gore divorce thread, women have more value in the relationship market when they are younger. Conversely, men have more value in that same market when they are older. They typically have more money, more life experience, and often are seen as more valuable than younger men. The opposite is true of women. Sorry ladies, but men in the relationship market value youth and all that comes with that when they pick romantic partners.


Since most marriages that are going to end end in the first 10 years, it's typically women who are choosing divorce in those cases. In the long term marriages, the tables are turned. However, that turn is not capable of skewing the stats to 50/50 because so many marriages are already over before year 10.

Oh, you will be surprized! it might sound so good...but then, there is always a downside to everything. Cheap thrills lead to depression and depression leads to all sorts of things.
Everything is possible. I do believe it. It is not impossible that your WH will come back begging for you to take him back.
That's going to happen only when you let him go.
blessing

Yeah, you might be right....This sux soooo much...Doesnt it? I really really think WH will eventually come back but I think it will be like five years from now, when it will be too late for me...Thats probably about how much time it will take for me to give up too. What a waste.

PS When I say giving up I mean in my heart...My head has given up already.....My heart just refuses to let him go.

Sorry to hear that. But StillHere this is what I would do if I were you:
I would change my name from StillHere ot something more hopeful. These things do make a difference as we attract what we think about the most. Even if I respect MB, the fact that you are still here waiting for you H to come back is not good at all.
Then
I would start visualizing your H coming back to you. The how is not important as it is in the universe's (god) hands not yours. Just visualize him with you not with her. At the beginning it might be hard by then you will get into the habit.

When you get discouraged, just say: I know he is on his way back to me. My strong feelings about him coming back are working and I am sending a different signal to the universe and what I want will manifest.
Also, time is relative. It flyes when you are having fun and it never passes during a dull lecture or whenyou wait for the bus to arrive.
So, your H cold come back to you in an hour or in 10 days or in a year...do not worry about when or how.

If you can, take a break from MB.
And when ou camoe back, come back with a different name.
my 2 cents
blessing

That was so nice, atena, thanks....Yes I probably am due for a MB break, since I get a wrapped up emotionally a little with the posters on here and then it just consumes me.....Stillhere was little bit more about my suicide attempt than still being on here, but I think you have a good point...its kind of a depressing name, huh?

Thanks, atena, I like your 2 cents...:)

I'm not sure the exact number, I was really just griping that there is a misconception that BW's far outnumber BH's to the point that most BW's assume all affairs are WH's because that is the BW's perception due to personal experience. When in reality the number of BS's on both sides are almost equal, and the trend is for WW's to eclipse WH's in the near future.

My personal experience would lead me to believe that 95% of all affairs are between married women and single men. This is because out of all the BS's I personally know of, the number of BH's is 95% of the total..

But, I know my perception is off due to my own experience.

I'm just griping, thats all.

Yeah, I can understand the gripe....but I know the reason I always assume its the man is probably because I am a woman....Because as a mother It is just hard for me to fathom that a mother could do this to her family.....

I know that woman do it all the time, but the way my brain works is that I just cant believe a woman would do it....Do you think men always assume its the husband that cheats or is it just woman that do that?....

So who did you think men were having affairs with, other men?

It really doesn't matter if only one of the affair partners is married. They both know they are not married to one another. It's likely the unmarried partner, if there is one, knows the other person is married.

In my case, BOTH the OM and my XW were married. I don't know if that's the biggest mode, or just one of many modes of affairs.

There is always the married man, unmarried other woman. She really don't get any sort of moral pass because she's not married. I'm pretty sure she knows he's not her husband, so no moral superiority there. I do believe that being true to marriage includes honoring the vows OTHERS took. If I participate in the breaking of someone's vows, I'm a willing accomplice and therefore as guilty as the one breaking the vows.

So no get out of jail card for the unmarried lover.

If both are married, I can be 100% confident each knows the vows they took and the person they are sleeping with is not their spouse.

Single man, married woman. Same scenario as the first. He knows she's not HIS wife, so if he helps her break her vows, he's a guilty as she is.

No excuse for ignorance. If someone says they didn't know their lover was married, maybe they should have done their homework a bit better, rather than being hormone/endorphin operated?

There is a certain, simple wisdom to the Biblical views of only having sex with your spouse. If folks would just adopt that approach, then much of this stuff wouldn't happen.

But when we think we know better... look at all the trouble caused.

No, silly...I dont think that....I thought he was saying that when a marriage break up because of infidelity, most people are too quick to assume that its the husband who cheated...I know I am in general, but I think its because I am a woman...

Do men, in general, automatically assume its the wife? just wondering....

I think it depends on the men with whom you hang out. In my circle of men, I would have a hard time thinking of any of them, or their wives. Yet my ex-wife demonstrated that it's possible.

I don't look at it as any one gender is more prone than the other. I do think that there are DIFFERENT reasons each chooses to do so and different outcomes based on the typical differences between men and women.

I've never said women are more prone to cheating than men. I've simply said that WHEN they do, it's far less likely that the marriage will recover because of the reasons I've cited before.

Since men and women are equally represented in affairs, I think they participate in equal numbers.

However, I still stand by the fact that women end 2 to 3 times as many marriages than men, and men are not cheating anymore or any less than women.

Almost all of the WW's I have personally known are mothers.

The sole exception being my wife, who became a mother due to her affair.

Before I became a BS I assumed it was about 50/50. Now due to my experience and paying attention to those of people around me I instinctively believe ALL woman have, will, or are cheating.

And so are some men.

But, I know that is due to my personnel experience tainting my perception of reality and not actually true.