My response if someone tried to blackmail me with the most foolish, embarrassing thing I ever did?

"You go right ahead and let everybody know for certain you are the cheap little ho who tried her best to destroy my marriage. It will reflect worse on you than on me - and my kids are not going to play with your kids."

Then post what you did that she's blackmailing you about for yourself - your story not her version of it. And explain that while your husband and her were destroying you by their adultery, your husband crassly told her this private information. Since it's going to be public anyway, let it be from you - not her.

No, I slept with him. I was 18 and stupid.
This was a very long time ago and my sis and her husband are now happily married.

I think ow is pissed enough that I have supsended contact with my bro and their son that she might just screw me over.

I thought I was doing the right thing. The kids have nothing to do with this, but it felt like it was the right thing to do. I don't know what I'm doing.

I'm a mess.

I'm in a nightmare and I can't wake up.

The other aspect of this is...my kids are strangely unaffected by not seeing their cousin and my brother. They have mentioned it a couple times but are not really questioning it too much. So, if I gave in to her blackmail it would be mostly for my nephew. (whom I love and miss dearly)

I can't believe my h told her that and that she is threatening me with blackmail. This is like a really bad Lifetime movie.

How inappropriate, Carka? Did you have sex with him? Regardless, the first thing you must do is go to this sister and confess and apologize. Does your sister know about the adultery between your WH and SIL? If not you must tell her that too. Also tell your brother about his WW's attempt to blackmail.

The sooner you get this out in the open, the sooner you can get back to the R of your M. This contact will put you back to square one. Ditch the FB for now. It is a hotbed of gossip and the potential for incidents like the one that just occurred is very high. You and WH do not need the drama right now.

On another note, Seredipitous and her DH are currently in R living next door to their OW. It is not recommended but read her story and see how she has dealt with it.

I am so sorry for your pain, Carka. I too have lived through it though not with a relative.

God's Blessings,

Say

If your sister does not know, you should tell her. That is why you confess these things right away, so they don't bit you in the butt years later. Your sister should know about your past sexual relationship with her husband.

Now what you did was stupid, but it in no way compares to your brother's wife has done. You were MARRIED. Big difference.

No, you made a mistake when you were 18. You'll have to address this with your S. On the one hand, no one was married. On the other, she is probably going to be royally pissed. However, the chickens are coming home to roost. I wish it didn't have to be like that, Carka, but it is what it is.

It's the right thing to do for your S, and if you don't the OW will always have that to hang over your head.

Sorry, Carka.

So, I talked with my sister today. She was extremely understanding and said she kind of always knew.

I feel totally sick inside because of the stress.

I also talked with my brother today and am regretting a lot things I've said to him.

I wasn't being completely open with him that I thought not seeing him or my nephew would be helpful to *me* Kind of a selfish decision. And now I feel as if I'm caveing in. I don't know how to deal with this.

Congratulations on opening up with your sister. Now your OWSIL has nothing to hold over your head and you can begin to heal from the years of guilt from keeping that secret betrayal from her.

Your decision to see your brother and his son is yours and yours alone. It is not selfish to decide not to especially not right now while the pain is so fresh. Keep your head clear on that. Do not cave in to pressure from anyone else. Only you know what you need to heal. Share all of this with your WH. Talk it through. Pray about it. Give it some time.

God's Blessings,

Say

Also got a little too defensive and slung a little too much doo doo.

Blah...

Don't be too hard on yourself. You are an emotional basketcase right now. When you screw up, start over and try harder. I can remember looking in the mirror in the morning and barely knowing who I was.

When you need to vent or wonder if your feelings are "normal" come here. I don't know how anyone gets through the agony of adultery without a close personal relationship with God and MB.

God's Blessings,

Say

Something like this is EXACTLY why NC is necessary not only between the FWS and the AP, but between their spouses as well.

I'm sorry it's your brother but NC is still absolutely essential for complete healing and this is why. You are also experiencing anxiety and triggering when he calls or you talk to him and honestly...this isn't going to get better, it will never "go away". It sucks that you have to have NC with your brother but saving your M will be worth it in the end.


I know you posted this awhile ago but I'll answer anyways ~ we moved out of state for all of the reasons you wish you could move and we can say unequivocally that it has been incredibly healing and beneficial in so many ways, we can't even begin to describe.

Someone else mentioned another poster who lives next door to the OW and despite sounding very harsh I will say without a doubt that that is one of the craziest, stupidest things I have heard on this site. That is a recipe for disaster and mark my words...full recovery will never happen for either the WS or the BW. That is insanity defined, IMO.

That is absolutely not advised on this site and moving (even out of state) is VERY much advised.

Married- Thankyou for sharing that. It's something that I think about often. Hopefully in the future there could be an opportunity to move. I would be ready and willing.

Thinking about my conversation with my brother, there were other things that I wasn't transparent about and I think it had a lot to do with feeling defensive. Hopefully if/when he calls back later I can redeem myself.

Actually, I hope you go NC with your brother as well.

Maybe in the future...a long time in the future at that, you (and you alone, not your H) may be able to have few and far between contact with your brother, but right now it's hindering your recovery something awful.

I know you can't see it becuase you are too in the thick of this mess right now, but it's true.

Moving was a tremendous help for us...and OW didn't even live in the same state, but there were too may bad memories and chances of her stalking us so we moved anyhow. FWH wanted it even more than I did (it was hard for me, we lived in a great area and grew up there ~ lots of friends, family, etc.) and even when I am homesick now I still know it's been greatly helpful in our recovery. I encourage it.

I'm really caught in a tough spot. I do think NC with my brother would be best. Where I'm caught... is my nephew. He misses my kids so badly. Like I said before, my kids are fairing well in regards to not seeing him. My brother and OWSIL are really angry with the fact I have decided to take time in getting them together.
I'm in a great deal of hurt and can't stand the fact that my brother was somewhat aware of the text OWSIL sent me. I asked him in one our phone conversations if he condoned the subject matter of the texts. His response was less than favorable to me.
Today I'm dealing with a lot of anger. Wondering why I'm so worried and caught up in being turned in to the bad guy for taking the time I need ....and moreso why I give two flying sh*ts what my bro thinks of me at the current time.

Yes, it's maddening, hurtful, unfair and unjust when innocent people get hurt by wayward's selfish choices.

I know you feel badly for your nephew...however, it is not worth risking your marital recovery. Not now and maybe not ever...seeing him right now would trigger you horribly, you are way too early in R to even be entertaining this thought.

Please commit to NC with your brother and his family for now and concentrate on recovering your M. You are wasting precious energy on something that you cannot control right now.

(((hugs)))

Well, my bro hasn't called me back and I doubt he will. So I've begun writing him a letter. The letter is hopefully going to convey my feelings on why nc with him the right thing to do right now. Our dynamic is not the healthiest and I can see this much clearer now than before.

Another piece to the puzzle....My sister's H called me yesterday. I think he was pretty upset with me initially but through the conversation and repeated apologies from me, I think he understands why I told my sis.
I recommended this website to him. As ironic as it is, he already knew about marriage builders. So I hope my sister and her H will be ok.

The stress is getting to me. My sleep was just starting to get better before all this. Now it's a little whacked again. And my anxiety has shot up (continued ocd symptoms). So I need to refocus my efforts on getting myself healthy.

Married- It's like you mentioned, a lot of precious energy is being expended out on these other things.
I know it had to be done in regards to my sis, but it has taken a toll for sure. In the long run I want to believe it will be worth it.

Now, I just need to get that letter to my bro finished and sent. Some of these burdens just have let up.

On a lighter note...h and I are doing well with our recovery. He's has been here for me through all this.

Coming here and writing some of this out, I think has been helpful.

I'm in such a weird place right now.
My Sis's husband called yeasterday. My sis and him have decided to take a break away from eachother. He says she has lost weight and is not doing too good. He believes that she is seeking counseling. After our 30- 40min convo I talked with my husband about it and am now feeling terribly guilty for entertaining this phone call....again. For my sis to heal I cannot speak with him anymore. I should have told him this.

The way I see it is, I have a couple different choices. 1. Call my sis and let her know her h called me to, it seems...give me a heads up on the situation.
2. Wait until next time I talk with my sis and bring it up then.

I'm so confused. I am aware that I need to let her h know we should not speak anymore. My h thinks that it would be ok to do it nc letter style.

There are these weird facets to my story....I really just want to shut everything out and focus on my relationship. It's difficult because I am responsible for a lot of my own sis's pain.

Please give me your thoughts.