Thank you all.
She seems truly sorry for what she did. All she does is sleep and cry. She wants us to survive this but I just don't know if I can live with her and ever be happy again knowing what she did and how long she did it. If it had only happened once and then she stopped because of guilt I think I would feel better. I keep asking why and she can't answer. I say if we don't know why we can't prevent it from happening again. One reason I say this is because it almost happened again with someone different after the others had ended.
As for NC I know she has not and is not in contact with either party and has not been in years but that does not help my feelings.
She keeps saying she loves me but I told her I am not sure if I can believe anything that she says at this time. I know it has been a long time but I want and need answers.

Hey bhm, like I said before, I'm in my mid 60's and I don't feel like checking out of here anytime soon, maybe in my 90's God willing. And I plan on staying sexually active all that time as well. For me that's like another 25 years or so and maybe another 40 years for you! Think about it, can you go another 40 years with what you already know not to mention that she hasn't or won't tell you the complete truth so you can heal? Probably everybody close to her knows most everything now and will probably turn their backs to her, which is exactly what should happen for such a heinous act.

What answers do you want?

I would like to know why she did this and why she allowed it to continue for as long as it did. Why she almost did it again 3 years after this ended. Once is a mistake but when it goes on for years that is not a mistake. Things have been fine for 10 years and if it had not been for internet crap and health issues I would have never found out about the stuff form years ago. Now I know she can lie to me with a straight face which means I can no longer trust her.

Why she did it is simple, it's the same answer for all waywards, there were no boundaries in place to protect the marriage. Along with that, the moral compass is broken. Unless and until those boundaries are in place, it CAN happen again.

Oh, and once is NOT a mistake. It's a conscious choice/decision. One doesn't just accidentally fall into bed, there are steps that lead up to it. Those seemingly innocent things turn into dangerous steps that eventually lead to betrayal.

That's the beauty of MB, not only does it teach you how to fall in love and stay in love, but it teaches you about EPs (extraordinary precautions) that prevent one from ever being in the position to cross those boundaries again.

BHM,

Things have been fine for 10 years and if it had not been for internet crap

Thanks for writing that, actually I think for those 10 years your wife never really came back to you, I don't think I could do some woman every day for 3 to 5 years and ever be right with my wife after that.

One of the admission my wife made, and she never admits to anything, is that she never felt the same after her "EA" about me as she did before, there is no bliss in ignorance. I think for those 20+ years she changed my status from lover to husband but just never told me.

Part of the problem with an affair which has laid unrevealed so long, is that it feels like some of the issues that were never resolved are now set in concrete.

God Bless
Gamma

Gamma
It has actually been 15 yrs since the last time she performed oral on another man that I know of. The mess 10-12 years ago was kissing and one touch according to her and then she stopped he was much younger and she said she felt guilty because of his age. Not sure if this is true or not. I told her if he had been older more would have happened. She is constantly saying she loves me and all she does is sleep and cry so I think she is remorseful. I just don't know if that is enough for me to be able to forgive so many years of lying. I hate to be lied to and I have a hard time forgiving anyone that has done me wrong. I am not a very forgiving person. My IC is trying to help me learn to forgive. If it was not for her health issue at this time I don't think she would even still be in the house. I am 99% sure I will never forgive her but my IC says to give it time. Her health is a major issue at this time.
All she wants to do is hold me and try to be intimate.
Thanks for all the responses.

Don't know if it is a sign she is remorseful or not but she is getting physically sick anytime her affairs are mentioned. I hope this is a sign she is truly regretting what she has done to us. Don't know if this will help or not.