I have mixed emotions about anniversaries and other reminders of our wedding.

If my wedding day wasn't among the happiest days in my life (it was), then it certainly was a milestone that signified me growing up, taking responsibility for someone other than myself, and beginning step to having a family of my own. I am immensely proud of what I have become and the family I am raising.

We also had some very good years together (even though my wife won't admit it). I am not going to throw them out or try to purge them from my memory just because she decided she wants to be single again.

I actually didn't feel much on our anniversary, and I think I will hang on to photos and other memories of our wedding. It may be something I want to look back on with the kids at some point.

Hey schtoop,

A couple points....

One, that must be VERY difficult to keep up the surveillance thing. I guess if you need it for building your case, then I guess it makes sense. If the motivation is purely (or heck, even mostly) curiosity-driven, I'd give some serious thought to just leaving it alone. After all, at some point, it's just counter-productive to personal recovery.

Two, I understand your take on the photos. I guess I kinda lean towards Fred-O's opinion on the whole photo retention thing. They don't do much good for me right now, so not having them around works. You are being smart and at least recognizing that you may want to reference them for the kids down the road -- when you are in a better place emotionally.

Sounds like you had a very nice weekend with the kids. That's the important stuff.

TBC

I lived with my ex after divorce papers were filed too. I absolutely kept a close eye on him until we separated. I don't blame you one bit. I think it is completely normal and possibly even helpful to the divorce - although not fun at all. I kept my wedding pics also for the same reasons that you mentioned. I have them tucked away for a future date when the pain has subsided more. I may throw them away then. Who knows? Your weekend sounds great! Happy Birthday!

Thanks, stillstanding!

I don't really need to do any more surveillance, my state is a no-fault state so all the proof in the world of adultery doesn't amount to much in court. I make a much better case just by proving what a good father I am, how I am the primary care giver, and how much time she spends away from the kids with her partying and carousing.

I still check up on her out of habit, and to be sure she doesn't bring any of her filth around the kids or in my house. TBC is probably right, though, it would be better for me to just not know.

I am amazed at her brazeness, however.

The Leopard and I had no kids together, so there is no historical reason for me to keep them.

My daughter says she doesn't like the way she looked in the wedding photos, so that ends that.

The snooping is really counter productive to recovering however I am just as guilty. Most of mine though was because of head games she would play on me and snooping was the only way to find out the truth. She would always tell me one thing to keep my stringing along and tell them the marriage is horrible and she just wants out.

As painfull as it is at times it sadly is my only means for me to let it go.

As crazy as this sounds there are going to be times when you second guess yourself. Did I do enough, Maybe she wasn't that bad, maybe this, maybe that. So, the snooping is a source of reality and truth. My feeling is that it will help you stay on track, that you're doing the right thing. As sad as it is.
Of course you can curtail the recon ops any time, I'm just pointing out one of the positives.

You'd think she could put the party on hold for a little while; at least until one mediation session, sheesh.

BTW, are you trying to streamline the D process? It has worked for me to just get through it as quickly as possible; at the advice of my lawyer.

You're a good Father, Schtoop.

opt

I think that the truth that you find in snooping helps you know that the divorce is the right choice. The truth is what it is. I am glad that I snooped and had the truth - even though it was ugly. Otherwise, I would have only had the words of a liar. Without snooping, I would have wondered if I was doing the right thing. I may have regretted my choices. Without the snooping, nothing would have made any sense. My ex NEVER admitted anything - never ever! The last week that we lived together, I stopped snooping because I just didn't care anymore. You will get to the point that you just don't want to know anymore. You will get there.

Just when I thought things couldn't get more any more bazaar....

I checked up on this guy she was banging this past weekend. Guess what?

He is a registered sex offender in my state! Convicted in military court of forced sodomy.

Should I confront her about it? Should I be the one to tell her that she is banging a convicted rapist? I don't think she would bring this around the kids, but other's experience has shown you can't trust a wayward.

Or should I keep this info in my hip pocket for ammo in the divorce proceedings?

Thanks for the kind words, Opt. Yeah, we both want to get this over as soon as possible and we've been cooperating on getting all of our financial information together. We have a mediation date set for August 2, and I know she want nothing more than to come to an agreement at that time.

I would love the same, but I am not going to take a bad deal just to get it over with. I am looking for no less than 50% custody and I stay in our house. Anything less and I will take it to court.

Schtoop, I don't know what to say to you other than I am so sorry you're going through this. It's horrible enough when a spouse goes wayward, but yours seems to have vaulted the bar with plenty of room to spare. I know this sucks. I don't think I have any words of comfort for you, but know that I'm praying for you (and your kids).

This guy sounds dangerous. I'm sure you don't want the mother of your children getting hurt. I would alert her.
"I heard you were with so-and-so. Do you realize he is...., just an FYI"
This goes beyond ammo for a custody case; besides, you already have your info - she's used supremely bad judgment exposing herself and indirectly her family to some low-life convict.

And a FRIEND introduced her to this creep? With freinds like that who needs rattlesnakes hiding under their pillow?

OMG!!! I can't imagine that she did the background check and would still see this criminal. If it were me, I would mention the facts to WS and your lawyer. Do not let this person near your children. I would also hold out for the best deal or take it to court. I would do whatever necessary to protect the children from this predator FIRST.

I agree whole heartedly with ss2. You can't trust this person around your kids. I had issue with OM3 being convicted of DUI and driving my kids around. I don't see the bad side to telling your WW. Not only would I tell her but I would add a warning as well. Mean while I'd try to find out more about this conviction. Was it with a minor?

Everyone was right.

Last night after the kids went to bed I told my STXW that we needed to talk. I told her that I know we have decided to split and that she can do whatever she wants, but that I still worry about her.

Then I handed her a printout of the sexual offender information on her new boyfriend. She looked at it for a few seconds and replied with a stoic, "I didn't know".

Then she starts in with her crap like "What are you doing, stalking me?" I said no, not stalking, but staying aware of what's happening and protecting my boys.

I told her that this scares the hell out of me, for her safety and certainly for the safety of the children.

She again said something about "I didn't know".

I also said that she could show me a little respect and wait until things are official before running around all over town, but that's apparently not happening.

We ended with me once again demanding that she keep her liaisons out of the house and never, ever around the kids, to which she enthusiastically agreed.

There were a flurry of text messages and calls on the phone logs this morning to the "friend" who set them up. Wonder how those conversations went?

I also wonder if she will break things off with this slime, or is she so whacked out that she doesn't care he's a sex offender?

Schtoop - still with ya buddy. I haven't been on much to post, but I've caught up with your sitch.

There's no doubt you made the right choice to go with the D Plan. Your STBXW is out of control. You and the boys deserve better. I just hope you get total custody. She's dangerous, Schtoop.

Also, thanks for your support in my sitch. We're still doing well.

God bless,
Linus

Thanks for checking in, Linus!

Glad things are going well on your front and I'm certainly pulling for you guys. It's good to see the good guys win every once in a while.

Life has stabilized to some degree over here in bizarro land. My WW has been at home all week playing the perfect mom. No partying with friends, not much drinking, and she's actually getting up for work on time.

She has changed her passwords on her email and facebook accounts, and the cell phone is in her name so she changed the password to that account as well. In short, I have lost nearly all my intel. She now now keeps her cell phone glued to her at all times, along with her ipod touch that she uses to chat with. She doesn't so much as go to the bathroom without taking them with her.

However, I did manage to grab her cell last night and check a few messages. One interesting text to her friend talks about how she's quit taking the antidepressants that she's been on for years. Said she's tired of being "numb." (I've been telling her this for years.)

I also found a handwritten list of houses for sale in her purse, along with the printout of her sex offender boyfriend (that I gave her) folded up with her lawyer's card inside.

I'm thinking she went to her lawyer with this information and he told her she better get her sh@t together if she doesn't want to lose her kids. What I'm hoping is that with his advice she will capitulate in mediation to 50% custody, leaving the house, and paying me some degree of child support. If she won't agree to that (which is a generous deal from my standpoint), then I will take it to court and ask for an even great share of custody.

We are still in an uneasy truce, acting relatively normal around the kids, but separating in different rooms as soon as they go to bed.

Like I said, she's behaving on her best P's and Q's right now, but I'm going to be taking the kids to my mom's house on the coast for an extended July 4th weekend. I think I'm going to have a neighbor keep an eye on the house for any strange vehicles while we're gone.

Not much to update....

Still coexisting in the same house with WW and keeping up the facade for the kids.

On Saturday I took my oldest son to a cub scout outdoors day while she took the younger one to a birthday pool party for a girl his age at a mutual friends' house. Me and the older one stopped by after the scout thing and we all swam, drank beer, cooked out, and enjoyed the company for the rest of the day. It was like old times and a nice escape of sorts. I was able to coexist around the WW without stirring up any feelings of longing and only a twinge here and there of resentment/anger.

Since then we have been coexisting around the house, I kind of treat the WW as a roomate that you don't really care for, but can live around. We will talk about the logistics of day to day life, but I'm not interested in any deeper conversation than that. Last night she started to complain about work and about some health issues she's been having lately, but I seemed pretty disinterested and she dropped it.

I think she is starting to get a feel for what our post-divorce relationship will be like, can't tell if it is bothering her or not.

She did make a pretty big Freudian slip last night. We were discussion a week-long summer camp the kids are going to next month and how it coincides with a 4-day work trip I have to go on. I commented on how that works out well, and she replied "yeah, it's party time!" (with everyone out of the house).

Of course, I had to roll my eyes and responded with a gruff "Yeah, nice."

She backtracked quickly and said she was just joking and had to work the whole time.

I'm thankful that I have been able to detach from her so quickly (unless I'm just fooling myself). The decision to divorce is 100% irrevocable, so now I'm putting all the energy that was going into reconciliation now into the divorce process and my children. It's all business and I will treat the whole divorce process as such.

I cannot imagine going through it with lingering feelings for your WW or hopes for reconciliation. That could tear someone apart.

Are the kids buying it? My guess is they know more than they're letting on.

...

I suspect everyone (at least everyone who comes to MB) goes through a period like this. It's painful and frustrating, but I can't imagine anyone just "flipping a switch" and going from "in love" to "out of love."

Well, that is with the exception of the truly disordered -- "flipping" is very consistent with Cluster B personality disorders. It's one reason they're considered disordered...

I agree with Fred. Are you explaining everything to the kids or are they going to have to piece it all together months and years later? "Facade" sounds too much like dishonesty to me Schtoop; kids don't do well with that.

Also, not sure if you're "fooling yourself" or not, but we have a good habit of protecting ourselves emotionally; effectively but for the short term. I'm struggling with the apathy concept myself. I doubt if you're truly that apathetic: one week ago you told her yourself you were "worried" about her; and being at a cookout together without paying attention to her is not really apathy. Again, I'm no pro, but I would expect to yo-yo on that one some.


Did the room-mate thing an awful lot during my marriage. Way too much.

opt


PS. I meant to say, i think the apathy thing comes with time and decreased (or NO) contact (as in Plan B)

Here is the situation with the kids...

We have two boys, ages 9 and 6. After D-day I did not expose the affair to them, as much as I wanted to and was advised to by this board.

Ethical reasons:

I did an awful lot of reading and spoke to people I really trust and the overwhelming consensus was that it was wrong for one parent alone to give them this kind of news. No matter how fair or impartial I may have tried to be, they would only be getting my side of the story and it could be seen as trying to turn the kids against the mother. Then there was the issue of their ages and just what is appropriate for them to know.

Once we started going to a MC, it was also his opinion to keep things as normal as possible for the kids at home (provide we weren't openly hostile to each other, which we weren't) while we try to reconcile.

Once we made the decision to divorce, I again wanted to let the boys know what was going on. Again, the overwhelming majority of literature and common sense dictates that the two parents decide before hand what will be told, then do it together as a united front. The MC stressed that uncertainty about the future is what would be the most upsetting to the kids. He said it wasn't a good idea to tell them we are splitting until the new living arrangements are worked out and we can tell them more precisely how their lives will change. He also stressed that the kids may ask "why", but they are just looking for some way to use it against us to argue against the change. What they really need to hear is "what will happen to me." Since neither of us will move out until the settlement is decided, we are stuck waiting to tell the children. How much we tell them will be decided together, and age appropriateness and parenting plan will dictate just how much is disclosed.

Legal considerations:

In my state, there is a list of factors for evaluating a parents fitness for custody. The very first item on the list reads:


In other words, if I were to have gone to the kids alone and told them how bad their mother was, it would have definitely been used against me in custody proceedings.

Aside... there are several things that MB's advocate that will NOT help you once you decide to divorce. Another is moving out to achieve a plan B.

As to what they know, I'm sure the 9 year old knows that things aren't great and has even overheard a snip or two of our conversations. He deserves to know what's going on and I can't wait until we can tell him, even though it's going to be one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life.

Infidelity is the gift that keeps on giving. I have broken the record for "worst day of my life" about five or six times now in the last 6 months.