YEG,


For what I think is the biblical view of marriage and of women, look at this: The Perfect Marriage

You can read the whole thing if you want to but the part where I explain what the word translated as "rib" in Gen 2:21 is what I think applies here.

Mark

"If a man's steps are from the Lord then how can he know his path? "

That was a quote from Proverbs...

My WW was saying the same types of things about the way that women were treated and how they were not respected in the Bible and such as well. Might be careful with the quoting until you can find some verses that show otherwise. Proverbs 31 may help...but you don't want to make it sound like you are ready for her to get back to work either!

Probably see more of the status of women being lower in the Old Test, than the New...

Keep yer head up!

She is just cherry picking Old testament scripture to try to justify her actions. I think she is self loathing a bit. She is angry at herself for what she did. She has made comments like I deserve more than she can provide for me.

I deserve what God promised me. My second half. i just want her to uphold the vows she made. Not im gonna quit when things get too hard. I had my fingers crossed during the forsake all others part too.

Just cant catch a break sometimes.

All was great today. no relationship talk. DD4 was sleeping in bed and I was fixing to go home.

Then DD4 asked me to quit my job so I could spend all day with her and mommy. That really hurt me. I said I couldnt but mommy will take good care of her.

Then DD4 got upset at me having to leave. She was trying to make me hold WW hand and get into bed with them. I pretty much lost it and had to go.

I went downstairs and was fixing to leave. WW made an excuse to come downstairs and talk. She said I needed to work with her not to upset the baby on this.

i said, "Do you know how much this hurts? There is nothing I wouldnt want more than curling up with you in bed and holding your hand. I cant do that. You wont let me."

At that point she backed off. She was trying to bait me into a fight and I had to walk away.

She is doing this mock seperation sham. She is the one that cheated and let that evil into our M. She is the one that didnt keep her wedding vows. She is the one hurting DD4. This "time" she needs to be thinking about recommiting to the M is her doing. Not mine. Ive told her for weeks it is affecting DD4 and me.

What she doesnt know is her time with me on plan A is coming short. I have maybe another month of Plan A in me. I still dont have a real NC in place. She hasnt recommited to the M and we are still sleeping in seperate beds. There is no transparancy yet and she hasnt committed to a recovery program. She is already running low on $$$. Her 6 month supply of saving is almost gone already after a month. Thats WITH me still paying for a ton of stuff.

I hope she recommits to the M before I have to go dark plan B. I dont want her to have to expierence that and I dont wanna have to not be around DD4 as much. I have to preserve my love bank and I cant wait forever.

Im definatly in personnel recovery. I have options open to me. I make a good living and im not a beast to look at. The weight is falling off of me now. I want my WW to love me and recover with me. I realise that she may say no though. If that hasnt then Ill move on.

Im not giving up. She has to be willing to commit to have a M worth saving. If she isnt committed to that then ill just be back her in a year or so. Im still plan A but I can feel the Love Bank being sapped away.

Stay in touch with these feelings YEG. It's critical that you monitor your own LB and that you are aware of your own feelings. Make sure to jump into Plan B before it is too late. Once the LB is completely empty you may find it is impossible to turn things around and attempt to save the marriage. I'm not saying you need to jump into Plan B today but I am cautioning you to keep in touch with your own feelings and WW's balance in your LB and make the jump before it's too late.

Im taking the pulse of my LB always Mindshare. Im writing a "why am I doing this list" to remind why she is worth it. She isnt carrying on the A anymore. She just wont recommit to the M. So the balance isnt screaming down. Its just hard seeing her do this to me and DD4.

The D is still quasi active. I want to keep it open so I can use a legal seperation to aid going to Plan B. I wish there was another option.

I just have to prepare myself for the possibility that she may never recover or isnt willing to put in effort in recovery. I think my M is worth saving. I cant do this by myself though.

INTERESTING NIGHT

Work was uneventful. Did my usual call home during the day to ask her how her day is going and if she needed anything.

She said it was going pretty good. Hmm. She almost always sounds upset when im calling home. Like she thinks im snooping on her. She was talking almost like she was being fake.

No big deal. fast forward a few hours. Got off work and ran 3.4 miles. Running is a big part of my Personal R plan. I really am starting to feel alot better about myself. I actually am starting to believe it WILL be ok. I WILL be happy again. I still want it to be with the WW but if its not thats ok.

Got home and saw DD4 and the WW. WW once again being almost cheery. Still came across as a bit contrived. I asked her again if everything was ok. She reassured me it was. She has never shared her thoughts with me. Im still a bit leery. She hasnt earned back any trust really yet.

I take a shower and cut up and apple and a cucumber for DD4 and I to share. WW says she has dessert and had made some no bake oatties. They were really good. While she is walking around the kitchen we had a genuine conversation about the usual blather of the day. Nothing deep at all. The weird thing was she started it. She chatted with me. I didnt have to pull teeth out 1 word at a time.

She tells me there are some new shows on tonite. We watch them together. Chatted a few times while she made her own dinner.

Was a pretty good night overall. Not sure if she was pissed at me and just faking it or she was just being chatty. I encouraged it and I liked it. Im just so use to her being deceiving. Ive been lied to our entire M. If she is trying though I do appreciate it and will support it.

No physical contact but I have backed off from that anyways. A pity hug is empty. I dont need the physical reassurance. Personal R isnt just a BS idea I see now. It really is helping since its cut my neediness a lot.

This is interesting. Glad to hear you are feeling better. I think she is going to come around. It really hasnt' been that long and I think she is still suffering withdrawal.

Don't ask her if everything is ok.

Don't ask her what she's thinking.

Don't seek reassurance.

Act as if all is good in your life with or without her.

That makes you more attractive.

Don't seek pity hugs.

Pretty much the same story tonite.

Went to MIL birthday dinner. All had a very nice time. After that we went and bought a DVD player for DD4 real bday. Normal chat.

Got home, put DD4 to bed. Asked her if she wanted to watch TV with me. She said sure. So we watched an hour. At least I got her off the computer for a bit.

After the show was over she was ready to leave. I was in and out. When WW said she was ready to go I just said OK and stood in the living room door. She looked at me a second then crossed the room and gave me a big hug.

The hug surprised me a bit. I could tell she was going to do it with the way she was just kinda hanging out pretending to read a paper. When she hugged me it felt sincere. She put her head on my chest and hugged back. I just put my arms around her and stroked her hair with one hand. After about 20 seconds she pulled away and we parted.

Still dont know quite how to interpret this. Its only 2 nights in a row as compared to the 2 years in a row she was running around in an A. I dont know if she is doing it because she thinks she should or if she is starting to feel some contrition and is close to returning to the M.

In the end it really doesnt matter since it doesnt change my actions. She is still wayward and Im still in plan A and 180.

Im meeting her needs as I can. If she wants more I give it to her. I did NOT get upset when she was leaving me. No tears or anything like that. Im sure she picked up on the fact I didnt like it much (we have been M 7 yrs so she knows me). I didnt beg or anything.

So Ive been running a pretty consistant plan A and 180. No LBers. No relationship talk. I finally have been able to repress it some. I just see it as fruitless anymore so im not as tempted.

She is heading off back up to her college town with a girl friend of hers. I will confirm its with her or I will take the 4 hr drive myself to check on them. She is taking DD4 so I don't think there is much risk. So I get tonite off of plan A.

Going to go running again today. Should be good.

Just keep doing what you are doing Yeg,
It sounds positive to me......You will have moments when you aren't so strong, walk away for a moment and pull yourself together......
Keep up the running and taking care of yourself, it always makes me feel better.....
Don't push her, let her do the thinking and planning........like the hug......her idea.
She had to think about doing that and why she was doing this......
That to me is a good sign........
Stay cool and easy to be with, laugh a little when you are together.......
She will start to want that again, to be happy with you....
Be patient and keep your eye on the big picture....
(((HUGS))))

Stay stong, YEG.

Good job with the running. A few weeks after D-Day I was finding it harder and harder to get motivated for my routine runs. One day I just sat down and cried about halfway through my long run for the week.

But now the running really is theraputic. I've found some nice trails to run on and threre's something peaceful about striding quietly through the woods. Ran my fastest 5K that rivaled my old high school times just a few weeks ago.

I sincerely hope that your WW is slowly coming around. With mine, all the talk of "not trusting the changes", "too late", "don't want to get your hopes up", and "can't commit to recovery", all this rhetoric was just a justification for still being wayward. She was in contact with the OM (and others) the whole time.

I sincerely hope that is not your case, the hugs and the time you are spending together is a good sign that you may be making some progress. I'm just very jaded right now to those kind of statements.

I started running again after D-Day. Wife likes to run alot. She has done a 1/2 marathon. I use to run alot. So I started it as RC but it really is helping me now. It is therapeutic. I really check out of my problems for 45 minutes or so. It also is toning my legs alot so I know im getting sexy again.


Still NC that I can find. Ive been snooping for cell phones and other signs. I have the house alone tonight so im gonna toss the room good. She isnt making foggy statements like that. She has told her friends that she believes the changes I made are real. She is noticing.

She isnt committing to recovery yet of course. She is being honest though and saying its because she isnt sure SHE has the will to do it. Its not a BH issue.

Her sudden cheerfulness is a little concerning. Sometimes, a WS will become all happy and light if contact has been made. Normally, if there is no contact, a WS would be going through some withdrawal and nothing is right in their world, almost as if they are in mourning. I think someone commented on another thread how their angry, sullen, and quiet WS was suddenly walking through the house whistling and they knew something was up.

I hope I'm wrong. Just be diligent in your verification of no contact.

You're doing great Yeg!

ITA. YEG, I'd fire up your buggy and go to her college town. The fact that she's taking DD is no guarantee that this is an innocent visit. Didn't you mention before that she went there with OM? I think you need to go there and confirm this.

I thought about this. Im a little concerned as well. Gonna defiantly snoop she is gone. She isnt bouncing off the wall happy clicking her heels but she just seems less depressed.


I agree. I have verified her friend is with WW. I can verify that she is with the friend she said she was. I KNOW that friends will sometimes cover for other friends.


Yea this is where the PI caught them. Ill check OMs house for his car. If hes not there then Ill do the 3 1/2 hour drive.

I agree that there is definatly a risk associated with it.

even if she's not planning to rendezvous w/ OM (seems unlikely in terms of sheer logistics--DD present=dealbreaker, i should hope) you know it's going to bring back memories...

devil's advocate, here: maybe she's testing herself to see how she handles those memories. and maybe her cheerful outlook means she's feeling pretty confident that she can squelch 'em. be ready for possible weepiness upon return.

hey--you're doing a KILLER job, outlook, actions, words, everything--keep it up!

p.s. re Leviticus, she's probably in a mindset where she's dying to feel slighted and therefore justified...she's not ready for scripture about godly wives, except maybe the milder stuff in Proverbs (survey field, clothed in scarlet, family rise up, call her blessed, etc.). that's stuff ANY wife would aspire to. anything smacking of submission is going to feel like condemnation to her right now.

So you know you shouldn't trust her friend, right?

What are her logistics concerning this trip? Is she driving? Is her friend driving? Who's driving. I'm asking because if she's got a vehicle, OM's car will more than likely BE in his driveway. Don't trust that.

We were just in College town USA (just a made up name) last week. We went up there together. She said that she had more fun than she expected (with me).

As far as self testing maybe.... She goes to College Town USA alot. Very few times it was with him. That just happens to be the place I caught them at and the last rendezvous location. They went all over the SE together to whatever event she wanted to go. She went for the RC of traveling, he went for the SF.


Im past the initial worrying about all her up and down moods. It still bothers me but i just deal with it.

THe BIG reason she wants to go to College Town USA is because the theme park there. We bought season tickets to it. So she can go for free and get a trip out of town. WW and her friend are childhood buddies. They use to go to the park as kids and now they are taking THEIR kids there.

I dont know if they are sharing a hotel room (friend and her). If they are then they will have 3 kids under the age of 5 staying in the room with them. We do have a cabin up there but WW usually stays in town.


I do NOT trust her friend. Especially this one since she started dating him while he was still married to his ex-wife. She has always been nice to me and she doesnt hate me but I dont think she would want to test their friendship by disapproving of her sneaking around.


Her friend is driving. WW car is in her friends driveway (confirmed). OM is NOT riding up with them as DD4 is a blather mouth and would DEFIANTLY narc on WW. DD4 knows OM. WW took her to meet him a couple of times for lunch. DD4 would remember his name and would tell everyone she saw "uncle" OM.

Om was so cocky he sent her a B-day card last year addressed "Uncle" OM. I freaked out at the time. I told WW thats what stepfathers are called. I let WW gaslight me. I just wish I had followed up more then. That was my first hard indication that something wasn't kosher. I jsut couldnt believe my WW would actually betray me like that. What a fool I was.

Anyways

I think OM would have to ride up today to see her. I will call his desk at work today and tommorow and see if he answers. Most likely he isnt doing the 7 hr round trip if he only has 12 hrs off. Logistically it would be alot easier to just try to sneak around here while im at work than dodge 3 kids.

Now Would he do it? Probably. Ill just see if I can verify it locally.

maybe we're all overemphasizing the importance of this CollegeTown outing--glad you're on your toes, though, and seeing the situation clearly.

i haven't read every single post in this thread, but OM sounds tacky and cheap (birthday card is sickening) and i'm sure that, on some level, your wife recognizes this in him.