I used to be a volunteer fire/EMT and loved it still doand miss it very much. Problem is she does not want me doing anything out of her site, and rightly so. I understand why she is like that and respect that. So even if I pick another volunteer possition I am not sure she will be ok with me going out for a few hours with out her, regardless of what it was for.

I do schedule time with me kids, little or a lot, but I do put in time with me children

The problem with the reading part is I don't do so well with reading, I have a problem with learning from reading, it doesn't work to well for me. I have tried many of times in the past from reading and it doen't go so well. You can ask my W she can attest to that fact, it is not an excuse it is a huge learning bearier with me.

I try to give UA to my W as much as possible but it is not always that easy with a 4 month old and a 6 yo. Can't always afford a babysitter, but I do try hard to give UA to her on a regular basis and will continue to do so.

THank you all for your support and I am very sorry for being a selfish [censored]. I am trying as hard as I can, it is just really hard for me since this has been my who I am for so long. I will try harder and please continue the advice and not give up on us.

Thanks again.

It doesn't have to be a reading-based volunteer thing, NG.

You can help sort clothing TOGETHER as a family at the local homeless shelter, if that is what it takes.

You are making excuses - because you and your wife, together, could volunteer and in the process learn to enjoy GIVING as a team.

Here are some ideas:

Habitat for Humanity
Food Pantries
Clothing Banks
Charity Thrift Stores
American Red Cross
Salvation Army
Boys and Girls Club
Nursing homes
Hospitals
City parks and recreation departments
Swimming pools to give lessons
Special education departments at the local school system
Angel Food Ministries at the local churches
Meals on Wheels


Do you get it? There are so many people who need helping hands - you don't need to read...you need to be able to DO SOMETHING to help. Play a game, lift and swing a hammer, sort canned goods, carry food to the elderly at home, run a copy machine, help throw a basketball, decorate a Christmas tree...


When someone cannot get up out of wheelchair to fix a sandwich, are you telling me YOU CAN'T help fix a sandwich?????

When a blind kid can't see to play a game, are you telling me you can't put the dice in his hand and help him roll them?

When an old lady and old man in a nursing home would like to see some fresh rose bushes planted, are you saying you cannot plant a rose bush and enjoy seeing their faces light up?

When a disaster hits your area, are you saying you cannot drive a truck full of groceries, or help deliver clothing, or answer a telephone, or wash some laundry.....or anything? You could volunteer to train for that, and help to ready your community, and your wife could, too.


What I'm saying is that in order for you to stop being so self-centered, so egotistical, and to renew your self-esteem, you are going to have to learn what it means to serve somebody else.

And serving someone else is only worthwhile if that other person REALLY NEEDS HELP.

Being a volunteer fireman was a good way to help others. Right now, your wife may not trust you in that, and she cannot help but want to watch you, you are RIGHT. But look for something that she can help with........


because otherwise, you will continue to feel entitled to having somebody else FILL YOU UP.


When exactly the reverse is YOUR PROBLEM.


SB

I completely understand what you are getting at.

First, when I said about the reading I ment about reading to fix my problem, not reading to volunteer.

Second, I never said anything about not being able to do anything, do not mistake me for being lazy, ok, you have to talk to my W about the volunteer thing. We do a lot with my daughter and her girl scout troop together so that will have to be enough for now.

Do not think that I am making excuses here this is rality, there is no time in our schedule of life to do any of this right now. If you have an issue with that, then you need to take it up with her, sorry but just how it is. Read my wifes thread and it will back what I am saying here.

Thanks again and I will continue to work at this and move forward.

I would look closely at Harley's four principles. Because in addition to regaining trust and doing the work of recovery, those should be your focus. The 15 hours of UA is critical. If you can do all of that, be a father, provide for your family, and do something else......wow, y'all are a lot better at time management that DH and I are. Focus, focus, focus on your W and those Harley materials.

Good job NG. Speaking from my own personal experience, when my H is helping or doing things with us, he sometimes is not really "there". and although you may be putting in the time with your W and children, it may not be the quality, loving time they need and deserve.

Sometimes my H is so caught up in his fantasies and thoughts that even when he is with us he is thoroughly distracted, he is not really "there".

So you may be living in your thoughts and in your head, and believe me, the people who love you know...we know when you are not engaged...

What I tell myself is he is so involved in battling, or giving in to his fantasies and addiction he doesn't have much room for much else.

Things seem to be going ok for the past few days even though she is still having a hard time. I go back to SA tonight and have been very supportive of her and her needs and to ensure I put her first. I know we still have a long road to haul and I am praying that we make it. I do love her so very much and don't know what I would do with out her.

Thanks again to everyone for the advice and concerns

Well we're routing for you naveguy.

Went back to SA tonight. I was welcomed back with open arms. I recieved a lot of good incite and I believe I will pick my sponsor next week. We have a trip planned this weekend, heading home to visit family and do the Rolling Thunders "Ride to the Wall" on Sunday. I am praying for a great day of UA for W and I. She is scared about the trip because she hasn't told her family and hates faking it in front of them. I have offered to canx the trip till she is in a better place but she still wants to go up. Please pray for us to make it through this. I am trying hard and so wanting us to make it through this.

Thanks again to everyone.

naveguy - are you still here?
I am in the exact same situation - but reversed. I am experiencing what your wife is going through. My H did all these things to me - all. And now I know he is trying. And I know he wants it fixed. I'm many months out since finding out what he did. I feel dead inside. He was my everything. I feel like an [censored] hole. I feel humiliated. I feel embarrassed that other people out there 'have something on me' - know something more about my H than I do. It feels awful. All I can tell you is that IF your wife is willing to stay - and NOT herself feel like she just buying time before she can 'get out' (which is how I sometimes feel)...

My adivce: Just gush over her. Gush over her every [censored] day. She may never really trust you again. You are a different person than the person she married. "that" guy never would have done this to her. But now that you are THIS guy - please just gift her everyday with gushing love and attention. If you are present with her - and show her gushing love - ESPECIALLY in the moment when she hates and doubts you - that is the best you can do.

Now that I've share this... My question, please help me...
How do I stop feeling like a 'cover' for my H? How do I believe that I'm not just the person he needs in his life to look from the outside like he's the perfect family guy? How could he cross the line like that? With men I mean? Can you please help me understand?

Wow, you took the words right out of my mouth in this last post! I'm in plan b with an alcoholic WH.... And though he's not a SA, naveguy's statements could EASILY have been spoken (most of them already have been!). I can only dream that my spouse takes to going to an AA mtg, though.

Keep up the hard work you are trying at, NG. As others have said, it can and WILL pay off for you if you do! I'm sure of it!

SIS,

First let me say I am sorry you have to go through this and you have my prayers.

Now I can only answer from my stand point and what I was thinking, but as for your H I can not speak. Not sure what his concept was or why he did what he had done. If you could give me more incite on what he had done and I may be able to explain better.

The reason I did what I did was out of ease and excitement. I had started out with just looking at porn and masturbating but the more I did the less it worked so I had to go to the more extreme to be able to get off and in doing so I went to chatting online and when that wasn't enough I had went to camming with others then on to meetings. Plus the curiosity had gotten to me, I wanted to know what it would be like, plus the excitement of the darkness/taboo, what ever you want to call it, caused it to be more intense. It had nothing to do with me being gay or wanting to be gay because after I had done what I did it repulsed me to no end and still does, but yet I went back because it was easier to get the bj that way then to go try and find a woman that wasn't charging to do it, I refused to pay for it. Mine was a fact that I am addicted to sex and needed that next fix to be stronger and more intense to get off so I could "relax". I know now that what I have done is immoral and disgusting on so many levels and that�s why I am reaching out for help because I was on a destructive path that went way beyond just destroying my wife and family, I was in self destruction mode, could have ended up with HIV or another incurable STD and passed it on to my family.

I LOVE my W to no end and I never wanted to have her as a cover or anything else, heck a lot of my fantasies had her involved in them, I wanted her to join in and be part of the �fun�, but I knew it would never happen and still will never happen, it was just another step in my addiction. Please DON�T take that as to think I still think it was fun, it is not and I know that now.

If you could give me more incite on his behavior I could better help you to understand his thought process (maybe), if you don't want to do it on here I understand, it is very embarrassing I know, but I am here too, to get myself right and R my M and prove to my W that I want us and will do whatever it takes to get there. I hope I have helped you in some way and if I can be of any more help please let me know.

You are in my prayers.

*

*

Hello all, just checking in. It has been a few days since I have been on and wanted to give an update.

Things are going ok, she is still having a hard time, but I am still standing by her, holding her up, and loving her, trying to help her as best I can. She has been doing wonderful though and I am so happy that she is still with me and trying to work through this.

We went to DC for Rolling Thunder's "Ride to the Wall" over the weekend and we had a good time, I think she really enjoyed herself with me that day. It was a great UA time with each other, we didn't focus on the neg just each other and having a good time while relaxing.

Thanks again to everyone and please keep the advice coming, it is greatly appreciated.

I do not see the logic in your reasoning here at all....you did "pay for it" with the men....you traded services (you gave a bj to get a bj) that is currency.....no difference if it was a $20 bill or performing equal sex acts to get the end goal.

"We went to DC for Rolling Thunder's "Ride to the Wall""

Do you ride?

What do you ride?

"it repulsed me to no end and still does, but yet I went back because it was easier to get the bj that way then to go try and find a woman that wasn't charging to do it, I refused to pay for it"

Does not make sense to me.

Doesn't have to, TR. That is why he is at SA, to find out why.

LG

It doesn't make sence to me either. I would have to say it started out as curiosity then when I did it I liked it and went back for more. It did repulse me after I had done it but when I got horny again I wanted it again, plus like I said it was easier then trying to find women to do it. I know I had OW on the hook but she wasn't always available plus I didn't always want it from her, I wanted the kinky/taboo of it all. I am NOT gay in any way shape or form, I may be bi, but NOT gay. I love the female form and everything about women to be gay. I know that I am not staight, straight men don't do these things, so I guess I am bi. I do not want to continue to do these things anymore because I want to work on my M and be with my W.

So with that being said where do I go from here? I love my W and want to be with her and make this work. I do NOT want to do this again or anything remotely close to it. I am not sure where to go or what to do anymore.

I have been doing the her needs stuff, being there for her, helping her, supporting her, being open and honest with her. Yet I have slipped again by trying to distract her this morning by rubbing on her and trying to relax her.

Am I a lost cause? Do I let her go so she can be happy again and not deal with me being like this? I DO NOT want that or anything like that. She continues to say she can't do this again or anymore and I ask her why is she still here and yet we keep going round and round. I SO WANT this to work and for her to be happy again and I want her to make up her mind but I don't want to keep hurting her by doing this dumb stuff that I don't see myself doing until she points it out to me. How do I stop being like that? Why am I so blind? Am I a lost cause?

BTW yes I ride, I have a 1500 Vulcan Classic.

It's too early yet for anyone to decide if you are a lost cause.

It takes couples 3-5 years to heal from sex addiction.

It took my husband 9 months of sobriety before I saw real, lasting recovery behaviors.

You and your wife are likely going to be on a roller coaster emotionally for a year or so, at least. It seems like 18 months tends to be the worst, and then things tend to get markedly better around the two year mark.

That's assuming that you are staying completely sober and your wife is doing her part to heal from this.

Any slips can reset the clock back to 0.

You didn't become an addict in a few months time, and you aren't going to recover in a few months time, either.