Sounds like you need this....

I wrote this on a different thread, but since WS are exactly the same!! Might as well post it here as well


This is what I know to be true for WS (For being one myself)

1. We want to avoid our family because it will be easier for us to justify what we are doing (the A). When we see them happy, we get angry, upset, jealous, resentful, etc. SO the reason why she doesn't want to see you and the kids is because of this reason. Same reason why we don't like it when our BS is nice to us, because we feel bad on what we are doing, so we just get angry, that is why PLAN A is sooo important! So that the WS feels guilty all the time, and when the fog lifts they will realize that the best thing for them is right in front of them, their FAMILY!!)

2. We are very unhappy in our marriage because we know we are the ones ruining it. I think its soo hilarious that the WS will blame the BS for their unhappiness. Even if she tells you that the A is over, she is lying, we lie, again to justify what we are doing, to convince our self's that the only thing that can help us become happy is to have an A, but the BIG OL TRUTH about that is the only reason why we are unhappy in our marriage, is because WE ARE having an A, and it is addiction. Isn't it funny when you hear all these people who say "I haven't been happy for years!" but yet the only person who is making themselves unhappy is them self? So they think having an A will FIX it, and guess what? It only DEEPENS there unhappiness.

3. WS LOVES to blame their unhappiness to there BS, we think it is their fault for letting us find someone else, we will think of every little thing that our spouse has done to us that made us feel bad. Letting them know that these were the reasons why we had an A, but in reality it is just another lie! WS are very good at lying to everyone, we are the best lires, want to know why? Because we do the biggest lie there is, and that, is WE LIE TO OURSELVES! We literally self sabotage our marriage and life! WS are very selfish, until that FOG lifts we do not realize it.

I'm really sorry that you are here, but keep doing plan A! That is you best chance, so when you do decide to do a plan B she will know exactly what she is missing, and if not? Then at least you come out of this marriage a better MAN! Never forget that!

Can you schedule a mediation with the lawyer that coincides with the camping trip to discuss HER living arrangements? Then she would need to choose the trip or her wish for a divorce, at least you may interrupt the camping trip for now.

As far as tracking her......

If you can get a hold of the affair phone, you may be able to get a tracker installed on it.

Sapphire- Thanks. Its good to hear from the WS's point of view. I do know she is dealing with guilt. She has appologized a few times, but never for the right thing. First she appologized for not telling me. As if the affair was ok, but lying about it was the real problem. A few days ago, she said she was sorry for my pain, that she wanted me to be happy and that she hated seeing me torture myself. Its funny how she was able to turn an apology into blaming me for my own pain. That is twisted.

Luna - I'm not sure about the lawyer thing. i can look into it, but since it will be a weekend, its seems unlikely.

Do you think you could possibly get her family to come over and sort of stage an intervention with you and the kids? I think that would be a very powerful bit of pressure on her. And if she refuses to cut off contact w/ OM and toxid friend during the intervention, maybe they could convince her to "do the right thing" and move out, thereby giving you the opportunity to file for legal separation and establish yourself as the custodial parent.

That is definitly something to think about. She has been upset with her family because they all have been supporting me. The problem is, most of them are getting to the point where they are giving up on my marriage. They don't see any hope at all. I don't think she will ever cut contact with TF. She thinks of her like a sister and has been best friends since childhood. I think its unlikely her family would go for it, but not impossible.

So I can feel my back tensing up as the day goes on. Its Friday and I'm afraid she has made plans to go out with OM and/or TF. I'm dreading the confrontation. DS13 has a sporting event this evening. Not sure if WW will show or not. She may disappear after work and not take my calls. After I lost the cookout battle i went into a mini plan B for a few days. I couldn't keep from AO's and DJ's so I went silent and avoided her, her calls and her texts. Took off after work and did some things by myself. Went for a hike, went to a movie. I'm not sure what affect this had on her, but after a few days I got the I'm sorry text (sorry for my pain) and the next day she initiated conversation that was intimate (she was sharing personal information about her that had nothing to do with us)Anyhow, i warmed back up a bit and she turned the thing around on me. She went out after work to TF's and would not take my calls or respond to my texts. I think she was "teaching me a lesson". I guess that's what i get for deviating from Plan A. I may get more of the same this evening.

A man who can't take matters into his own hands will loose them!

You either do a FULL plan A, or a FULL plan B, you don't do both at the same time, it wont work. Sorry.

Ken - want to elaborate?

Sapphire - I didn't do the mini B on purpose. I just wasn't able to do Plan A at that time so I avoided WW altogether. It wasn't a rational decision, but a reaction to my pain.

Once you start disrespecting yourself everyone else will follow suit.

I agree with that. I respect myself enough to fight for my marriage. I just happen to be losing badly. So the question is, do you have a suggestion as to how better to do this. I think that any Plan A could be seen as disrespecting yourself, in that you have to look past betrayal and be the first to show a willingness to fix your marriage. The question only becomes where do you draw the line. That is a question I am actively thinking about. And in my case "how" do I draw the line. Self respect has never been a problem for me. In fact, I'm working on being less proud. My pride has been a roadblock to my relationship with WW and others. Maybe I'm overcompensating.

There is a difference between Plan A and Plan Doormat. You just don't want to be on the wrong side of that equation.

The thing that you have to understand about Plan A is that it is about YOU. This is your chance to become the person you really want to be. You change your actions to those of someone who "gets it." It will help you figure out who you can be in a good relationship. Even if this marriage ends, you can learn how to be a better partner. This is what Plan A is all about. Be your best. Being your best in a difficult sitch is what makes the WS confused.

Can you start living you life as if your wife has passed away? Like she doesn't exist. Can you not be there for her. Not take her calls, completely ignore her? I don't know about plan A, B or Z but I do know how to pay attention to the important things that I CAN CONTROL, and I know for sure I cannot control my wife therefore she does not get into my equation. It's tough to do but if you can say maybe we can re-marry after the divorce then you're half way there! You see, you don't fight the divorce, you want the divorce, bring it on type of mentality. You are too much of a stud to be waisting away with one woman. I'm not really saying that you should embrace the divorce but if you exude that attitude I bet you will see some changes in you know who!

So the weekend went ok, though nothing has changed. I think i one more battles than I lost. Friday, WW informed me she was heading to TF's house for the evening. I was sure that OM would be there so I resisted. She let me know that I couldn't control her and I agreed. I then informed her she also could not control me and, therefore, the three kids and I were going with her. I told them to go grab their things and meet me in the car. WW was furious, told the kids I was psycho and out of control. In the end she didn't go, but did go for a two hour walk in the neighborhood. The route she takes is only about an hour walk, so I'm not sure if he drove over to meet her or if she just called him on the phone.

Saturday and Sunday we were out of town for DD12's sporting event. It was a very successful weekend for DD so that was good. WW and I were forced into close proximity and it turned out much better than anticipated. The ice continued to thaw the more time we spent together, but as soon as we headed for home she reverted back to her icy ways. Not all was lost though. Saturday we had a couple beers together and actually talked. We even went to dinner together, just the two of us. I wouldn't say it was romantic, but it was cordial and that is progress. On Sunday, after sleeping on a pull out couch with DS13, my back was killing me and WW actually gave me a message. Later that morning, without asking, I returned the favor. I expected her to tell me to get lost, but she didn't. In fact, she seemed relaxed. This is a big difference from what i usually get. Any time we touch i can feel her tense up and pull away. It definitly was not a 'I wanna to jump your bones' kind of message, but it was shared intimacy.

Sunday, when we returned home, she again told me she was heading to TF's. I said we had a good weekend, and asked why she was so eager to cause a fight the minute we got home. She feels like I am causing all of the conflict. She ended up not going. Its a small victory, but she really resents me for it. The only thing I can hope is that I am making her other relationship such a hassle that she will either end it or more likely move out to avoid confrontations with me. Clearly, I want to work things out, but short of this, at some point i will need to go to plan B.

"I then informed her she also could not control me and, therefore, the three kids and I were going with her."

That's the way to go.

This was a stroke of genius, sot.

Bravo!

Brilliant! I think you are doing great in your plan A! How long are you giving it till your next plan B?

SOT, I sure do commend you on your approach. I couldn't even imagine being that aggressive and I consider myself an aggressive person. Wow, great my man. I was wrong and you were right. Well, I would rather be wrong if it works for you than right and have it not work for you. Keep it up!

I'll take a little bit of credit for that idea.

I still think you need to GPS her, whether it be getting her a phone with GPS on it, tracking her car, or slipping something small in her purse.

Put your foot down and don't allow yourself to be walked on. Disrupt the affair in any way you can. I would also make OM's life hell until this thing ends. Do some digging on him and generally harass him as much as legally possible. I would expose to his place of employment and tell his coworkers. Make yourself a royal pain in his side.