Hi,

I discovered WW affair a couple of months ago and helped her to contain it from her work, family and friends. We talked a lot and we seemed to be making good progress, she told me all about the affair and we were really open with each other and dealt with the issues from the past and made real efforts to change. We went to MC and she kept telling me she feels nothing for me, cared for me like a brother etc usual stuff. We didn't get much out of it. I also became a needy, emotional and smothering which I now realize was the wrong way to react, but it felt right. LBs

Predictably, it turns out that she was still seeing him and the affair wasn't finished at all. When I discovered this I went ballistic and told everybody, work, friends, family, OMW (who chucked him out and doesn't want him back). WW has now gone away for a few days with the kids and her parents and is really angry. I have spoken to her a few times and it is all pleasant enough. She says she is confused and can't make any decisions.

I sent her an email today saying that I still care for her, am committed to saving our marriage as this gives the right message to our sons. That our being together will give them the best start in life and want to protect them from the destruction of a divorce. I also said that I am not prepared to be in an open marriage. And if she can give him up, we can start again building on all the positive changes that we have made in the last few months.

Assuming she does choose me, and even if she doesn't she still has to come home, my plan is as follows, based on various bits I have read here: Plan A with 180 stuff.

Meet her emotional needs, no love busters
Make home a warm happy place
Look after yourself have fun learn some new things etc.
Focus on the kids too
Be strong and manly, don't cry
Be mysterious and distant
Be consistent
Spend time together - 15+ hours a week
Stay calm
Have boundaries - No contact

Don't smoother
Don't chase (I never did this when we met)
Don't make demands
Don't discuss future
Don't expect certainty
Don't have any expectations
Don't ask for reassurance
Don't discuss the relationship
Don't buy presents
Don't say "I love you" etc
Don't be needy, moody
Don't argue with fog babble, just show understanding
Don't accept responsibility for affair, but don't criticize
Don't be desperate, beg etc
Don't give up - it's a marathon not a sprint

She is really pissed with me for telling work. Not sure how long it will take for her to get over that. Weeks? It will have pushed them together for sure and given them some reality to deal with for a change rather than fantasy BS. They are co-workers. They now realize the consequences of what they have done.

I know I should have no expectations, but I am assuming three possible outcomes.

1. She won't quit her job. How long should I wait before Plan B? Affairs only last six months once in the open anyway, so six months sounds good (not sure where I read that)
2. Quits, use the plan till she has withdrawn and willing to go to MC to improve the marriage.
3. She leaves me for him. She would still have to stay with me while they sort out arrangements of separation - 1 month?

I read somewhere that there is a 15% chance of success with Plan A, is this lower for WW due to their stronger emotional attachment?

Can anybody share a good plan B letter? What are the Plan B success rates?

It sounds like you have a good plan A, you need to plan A for as long as you can to show her that her choice at home is better than her fantasy world (affair).

And yes she needs to have NC for life with the OM and a NC letter has to be written that you approve of and sent to the OM.

The Plan B letter is basically if she will not end contact and then you plan B by telling her these are the things that HAVE to change for her to come back.

As far as the statitics of Plan B i am not sure, i know it worked for me and i did not even know about MB at the time.

Thanks for the feedback, good to know it looks like a good plan.

I feel for you. All of us BH are brothers since we all are or have either been through this.

First warning. Im a newbie at this.

Your plan A looks solid. Its implementing thats hard. I know I let myself be a doormat for 7 years. Its hard to change in a week. Good news is that you have every reason in the world to be motivated for change now.



Dont doubt yourself now. You have done the research. you did the right thing. You also made adjustments for the false recovery. There is nothing wrong with being angry at first.



No you didnt push them together. Dont let doubt creep into your mind. There is a reason why exposure is recommended. IT WORKS. It kills the fantasy world.

As far as timeline try not to focus on HER timeline and percent chance of plan A success. While all A are remarkably similiar people are different. My WW wasnt mad at my initial exposure really. She said it was logical considering what she was doing. It was my exposure after i found MB a week later that set her off. Even then she was only pissed for about a day.

The point is every WW is different though. Dont kill yourself with not seeing results soon. If you start sweating each day you will burn through your love bank prematurely.



Hopefully her job will take action against one of them. Then her not quiting will be a moot point. Ask the FWS about the possibility of working with the OP. Just thinking about them brings back the nightmares.

I would follow up on the work angle even if its a LB since its so important.



best option by far. If you can afford it id make a Steve Harley appointment. He is great at reaching the WWs. He can sell your ideas while you can not. Its also reassuring to you that you have the best on your side and not taking a chance on joe Blow MC that might not even be married.



Realize that WW WILL threaten this. Do NOT get suckered into the idea of an amicable divorce. Ask HelptheDads about where that leads you.

you need to protect yourself financially if possible now. get the seperate accounts. Pay for the bills and keep your house as safe and inviting as possible. Dont give her money for a lawyer or to move out on a "trial" basis. Give her every incentive to stay in the M and insist that there will be no quicky divorce.

As far as the timeline. In my state I filed on May third. The temparary hearing wasnt able to be scheduled till June 24th. I have since pulled my complaint. Be aware that the timeline will vary state to state.

Also do your homework now on the OM personnel data. get his name, DOB, address, phone number and discription of his car and liscense plate # so that he can be served if she persues this. Its fairly easy to get that through a background check.
The more info you have the better. That way you can supeona him during the discovery process. No one wants to go to a deposition and say what a louse they are.

Also see an attorney thats a bulldog. Ask around to your friends that got screwed in D. Just see them so she cant look to them for representation. Dont put a retainer down yet. Spend that money on Steve harley and try to save your M instead of destroy it.

Also look into alienation of affection laws in your state. Another tool to threaten the OM with. My WW's OM was in the military so I have been able to keep him away with informing his command.

While you can only do so much to your WW have no reservations about destroying the OM. Adultery is a sin and its OK to hate sin. Forgive your wife eventually but destroy the evil that threatens your family till he slithers away. He snuck into your M. Its not like you invited him in.



Dont sweat the numbers. Just know that the your best chance is with an effective CONSISTANT plan A. If your not consistant it can be a real LB.

Buy SAA. There is one in there. Dont be in too big of a hurry to jump to plan B though even if she moves out. Be sure to set yourself up with a great plan A. If it goes that far be ready to respond though. have all your paperwork since they dont HAVE to serve you till a week before the temp hearing. At least in my state.

You may have messed up allowing contact at work before, but you are doing the right things now. Her will blow over in a couple weeks. Now you just need to focus on establishing NC between her and OM.

Thanks for the input guys. I'll keep you posted on how things develop. I guess it is going to be a slow couple of weeks while she gets over the anger and decides what to do.

Won't getting her to speak to the Doc be a LB?

Call him and make an appointment for yourself. He will give you a script to go by to try to get WW to call him.

The idea is that you have to agree on a goal. That goal is being in a loving caring relationship with the father/mother of your child. If you can get her to agree on that then you search for information. That is when you refer her to Steve harley. For information only.

Call him. You will be impressed with the results.

Your WW will need to quit her job and get away from OM if you want any chance to R. Even if they end it now, they can easily resume it later. Not to mention the total direspect it shows you when she's sees him every day. So you've got some boundaries to establish and she'll need to know this. You don't play with fire and that situation is unstable. R can't begin until NC is in place.



You need to be careful with this one. You don't want to have alot of independent behavior going on and you don't want it to appear that you yourself are stepping out. And you don't want to appear that you don't care or are indifferent. It's a fine line. You WANT her to want to come back and a "distant" H won't cut it. KWIM?

If I were you I would talk to a lawyer to be on the safe side. I would document all of this and anything that is harmful to your kids. Also document her comings and goings when she says she'll do something with the kids and then doesn't. This is all "just in case" things don't work out. Make sure YOU are protected, your kids are protected and your assets are protected. This can get ugly real fast. Be prepared for it. Ya know...hope for the best, expect the worst.

So bottom line...meet her ENs when she'll let you. Have a backbone and be a man she can respect. Show her that life can be good with you at home. Work on you and eliminate the behaviors that drove her crazy in the past. You know what they are. Stay calm when talking to her. I know it's hard but focus on your goal.

And last but certainly not least, DO NOT MOVE OUT OF YOUR HOUSE! If it comes to that, SHE leaves. Got it? Right now you are the stable one. You are the one thinking straight, she isn't. Your kids need you now, there with them.

Ok your plan looks good. Don't apologize for exposing her A. That is what had to be done and you did it well. She'll be angry for awhile, just let it roll off your back and expect it. You are now in a war and you're fighting for your M and your family. Work the plan.

One other thing....don't REACT to her actions or her words. Work the plan REGARDLESS of what she does. She is having an A, everything she does and says is par for the course, don't get sidetracked analyzing her indecisions or her fog babble. Expect her to do these things and then blow them off. You can do this.

Yeg, just sent off the booking form now. So I do a session on my own to get the script first, ordered the book too.

Michele, I am good at not reacting now. The hurtful things that are said are unbelievable, it is as though she wants me to end it and is afraid to make the decision herself. I think she resents me for fighting on. I just don't know what is going on inside her head and won't try to work it out. I am worried that she is depressed though. Just spoke to her briefly on the phone and she has bought some new stuff for work, I didn't react. All pleasant enough.

Thanks for your encouraging words and I'll watch out for independent behavior.

Steve did a 1 hr session with me.

He gives you the knowledge to try to get you WS to call him for information. He also answers questions on how you can plan A or what his recovery plan is about.

He told me to try to get her to call a few times. If I cant convince her to call Im to make another appointment and he will give me some more suggestions.

I was doing 90% of the stuff he suggested already. His advice is comforting though. Its one thing reading about it on the forums. Its another hearing an expert explain it to you.

I'll see how it goes and watch your thread with interest.

Just spoke on the phone, LB big time as ended up talking about the relationship. She says she still hates me for telling work and trying to get her fired and trying to get friends/family to influence her. She felt manipulated. She also said she left me ages ago emotionally, and I shouldn't get my hopes up and has no motivation to try again. I told her I was just trying to end the affair to save our marriage. She says she saw a different side of me that she didn't like and asked me to stop talking about the kids and what is best for them.

Strait from the Wayward Wife Script!

Yes, I know good to hear from another BH.

When you exposed did you tell those you exposed to that you love your wife, that you want to save your marriage, and did you ask them to help you save your marriage any way they can?

Who did you tell at there work, what did you tell them?

What do you know about OM?
Is OM's BW willing to help you by giving you info on OM's activities?


I don't like the 180 stuff.
180 + Plan-A = BS seems strangely unstable to WS

Also, stop looking at time lines.
You cant plan how long each step will take.




Oh,and your user name reminds me of this line.

Me, Me, Me........
Me too!

Bump

Co-workers and managers - they all know and yes I told them that I love her and want to save my marriage.

Om is a co-worker. OMW has tried to get him back, need to call to swap notes and get info.

Makes sense to me, wasn't sure about the not dating or the no gifts. I did shower her with gifts when I found out, mostly made her pissed.


I know I just want someone to tell me it will be ok next week. It is a marathon not a sprint I realise this now.

I have done this now too. Not sure if this is the secret sauce, but the main thrust is that any option takes a massive amount of energy. Simply ask if the the best outcome is to have be a truly loving relationship with the father of your kids that is fulfilling and happy. If so, then let's find out more. No commitment to try again, just to educate.

I tried and she wouldn't answer the question, no surprise really.

Will keep trying.

BTW apparently she has never liked me and now hates me. She says she doesn't want to break OM's heart and loves him so much. I think I now have rhino skin.

Your going to make it. You will persevere. Look to psalms 38 and 91

Do all you can and trust God to do the rest. Hopefully this will be a comfort to you. Praying for Gods help and to speak to my WW is all that keeps me going.

Ask for help if you need it. We will support you.