That is EXACTLY what I was afraid of.

Still everything according to plan right? The withdrawal from him and my dragging feet may bring her back around to me over her OM which, she of course, misses and yearns for?

IF she goes through several months of NC and withdrawal, then she will no longer have her loyalties tied to him and it wouldn't be "cheating" on him with you anymore. She needs to "detox" from OM, and then you may have a chance to show her that you have become the type of husband she would want to stay married to. Remember, you have your children to help bind you together.

She is in the spare bedroom where she sleeps every night on her computer. NO idea what she is doing. Drives me nuts. Does it matter? No, probably not. I cannot change her I know. I still am working on myself and doing well at that. But when I see her in there, I am just nuts. Have to learn to cope and relax about that...much of the rest of the 'fog' she shows every day (angry at the world, standard wayward phrases, etc) are 'almost' comical now. Ugh. I've said that again and again in the past 6 weeks.

I just put up a new thread titled "Recovery? what's that". It talks about how delightful divorce from an unrepentent wayward can really be.

igrip, can you get a keylogger on her computer? eblaster is a good one because you only have to access her computer once. It emails you the reports.

I agree. She's contacting OM via that computer and thinking if you don't find out, then it didn't happen and won't hurt her pending divorce case.

Ditto. And on the slim chance she is NOT contacting OM, she is either making herself available to another A, surrounding herself w/ non-marriage-friendly "friends," or finding other ways to fuel her disconnect/withdrawal from you.

igrip, I don't know if you've addressed this, but why was there no keylogger on that comp already?

Right after I hacked into it and found the affair, she put a password on it to 'turn it on.' Therefore, I cannot do that anymore.

I have learned so much here in the past month.

1. I cannot change her. Only myself.

2. I cannot have my daily emotions tied to her daily actions or I will drive myself crazy.

3. We are all very similar..her fog behavior matches all the other cheating spouses out there. She does not see it, but I can.

4. Country music songs ALL have my name and situation in them.

5. I am a changed man and person through all of this..and better. I can hope that she will be around to reap the benefits, but regardless, I am better for it and will be.

6. Venting to good friends is a lifesaver at times like this.

7. Reading and learning through these forums is also a lifesaver as I could not do this alone.

8. I have FOUND religion through this as, again, I cannot cope alone and only a higher power can do anything at this point for my wife. A sign from above so to speak.

9. Counseling and learning to be a better man and husband is confusing her right now. Unconsciously, she sees it. Does not want to, but she is seeing the better me.

10. At the end, no matter what happens, I will have tried EVERYTHING I can do to save this marriage. I hope that it will succeed, but as my best confidant and friend said 'at the end, you will either want her or not want her anymore.' I can see that. I do not want the woman that is living in my house impersonating my wife right now; however, I very much want my 'old' wife back.

11. I am learning patience. That is all I have right now.

12. I cannot believe what she says to me. My counselor told me everytime she says "you" as in "you are a jerk," that what one is actually saying is "I THINK" so that feels a bit better to me..."I THINK you are a jerk."

13. There are many things in this life to be thankful for and we need to see this. Happiness is a choice. I am CHOOSING to be happy right now. Although my life is a tangled mess, I still have a beautiful daughter, transportation, a roof over our head, money for food and essentials, great friends and support.

14. I am also lucky to have my wife still in the same house even talking to me right now. Many in this same situation do not have that luxury of the wayward spouse being able to 'see' daily the changes going on.

I will add to this list as I remember.





I will add to this list as I remember and learn.

I'll go you one better on that #12 there: Everytime a WS says "you" as in "you are a jerk," what one is actually saying is "I."

Igrip ... what operating system does she have on her pc?

If its winxp/vista .. i got some tips to get you in.

1. http://www.infocellar.com/winxp/admin-password-recovery.htm
2. http://www.askvg.com/how-to-reset-remove-bypass-a-bios-or-cmos-password/
3. http://pogostick.net/~pnh/ntpasswd/

All 3 of those sources should (one way or another) cover erasing any win, dos, shell, or cmos password that my be in your way.

Get a keylogger on that PC asap.

Agreed, where there is a will, there is a way.

Hi igrip.

I haven't looked at your story in awhile, but I did tonight. I want to tell you that I am happy for you and also very enthused for you that you have come a long way and have learned so much. I don't know if I could have done as much in that short of time given your situation.

I have to be honest tho igrip, I sort of have a concern for you at this moment. Based on one of your last posts about here "sleeping on her computer" it seems that your W is able to spend much time alone and apart from you. I am probably wrong, and I hope I am, but that feeling comes from not much being said by you regarding RC and IC (w/o relationsship talk) time together. Are you guys spending at least 15-20 hours per week in UA time?

I fully realize that she may be resistive at this point, but if you are not then that will impact the effectiveness of your Plan A, at least in terms of attempting to meet her top needs.

I agree with MNG in that you need to try to access her pc and continue to monitor possible contact. Have you stipulated your requirment for her to be transparent since she is still living in your marital home? That means No secret passwords and no possiblility of continuing her affari From your home.

Just a couple of concerns igrip, and my prayers and best wishes are will you..

Tom

Thanks for the well wishes Tom. Yes, we do spend good time together overall (length, not really quality right now, but 15-20 hours..easy). At night, she does go into the guest room and do whatever she does. However, we have breakfast together (with baby) and then spend 3-4 hours per afternoon together (with baby). And then weekends we are always around each other (with baby). See a theme here?

The no secrets policy is not one that is accepted by her yet. She has a general no-trust policy these days. Funny, she did something wrong and then she does not trust me. Waywards

Here is the rundown on the day. This is akin to my journal every evening so I like writing the days events. Some day, I will be able to look back (fondly?) at these experiences and feelings from day to day.

I was bothered as HECK this afternoon. She asked me if I remembered what time our counselor appointment was? Of course I did..then she said she had forgotten about her ObGYN appointment on the same day. I asked her if all was OK (she had a pre-cancerous scare right after baby about 2 years ago...all has been fine since) and she said yes, just checking that out and a 'few other things' and smiled (ever so slightly, but I noticed). Of course, I asked what the 'few things' were, but she could not (would not) tell me. I asked if I would be coming with her (as I have to every medical appointment in the past 12 years) and she said no. BOTHERED me to no end. What can you do at a OBGYN? Pregnant, birth control, STD or pap-smear. I know one of the tests....and the few other things?

I went outside to cool my head for a few minutes, returned and very calmly asked her 'why she was so keen on my being honest, yet she could continue to keep secrets from me?" She answered that I was giving her the 'guilty treatment" so I could get my questions answered. I told her I did not want that, to give me a better way to ask - she said she did not know. UGH. Went back outside, called a friend, ranted and came back inside in time for dinner.

She then told me her ex (14 years ago, but still) was coming to town for a convention tomorrow and they were going to meet up (he is married). I said ok that I would put baby to bed and take care of the evening then. Did not bring it up again.

During baby bath, she asked me if I minded her going? I told her that 2 months ago, I would not have minded too much because I knew she was coming home and was my wife. These days, however, things were different....I was not as comfortable anymore....I told her I honestly was bothered about it....because I still had immense feelings for her as my wife but would respect whatever decision she made. She told me she cared for me as well, but as our daughters father, but not like that anymore (I think that is a standard wayward line if I remember correctly).

While I was putting baby to sleep, I came out to get some more milk and she told me she was not going because his wife found out that they were going to meet and the wife was not going for it at all. PERFECT (in my head). One prayer answered tonight. Remember, this is a marathon, not a sprint I've heard

Another thing, she was 'confused' about my dragging my feet about the response papers to the divorce. She said "you can't ignore it" and hope it will go away. I told her I was still fighting for my marriage and family, was not ignoring anything but had my lawyer taking care of everything for me. She asked what, and I told her I had no idea, I just left all up to the lawyer. She said "I don't understand what you are doing with the saving the marriage idea." I responded that I did not understand either, but those were my feelings. She said "do you think you can change me or something" to which I responded, 'not at all, but I am changing myself and enjoying every day with my family.' She then told me since she was not going out, she could put baby to bed. I told her no, I will enjoy doing it. She said 'are you manipulating baby to say mama is never around or something' (remember the guilty talk - every thing is guilty to her). I told her to 'please remove those thoughts from her head as I have not, in six weeks, done anything to tell you that I have any motives in this.' She said she was sorry. I told her that all I have said and done has been true and honest, then turned around and went to baby's room.

So, right now, I am in a good place mentally. Yes, the OBGYN bothers me....yes, her attitude about going out bothered me..but I am doing ALL I can be doing. I cannot change her, but my actions are speaking loud and clear that I am a changed man and a good husband. And my previous traits that bothered her (arguing, not letting her talk, trying to change her mind, etc. etc.) have not reared their heads in six weeks.
Let her see her actions, let her see my actions...let the guilt wallow in her and I will be patiently waiting for the fog to rise. I am praying, hoping and working hard every day to the end goal of saving my family.

Figure out who this ex is and tell his wife that your WW is going out to "lunch" with him. She very much may be starting up another affair, and I'm positive this ex is up to no good.

High school ex...I really don't care about this one. Disaster averted here. She won't see him again while we are married..they have kept in touch randomly throughout the years, he is an attorney now so they talked about this situation when wife was thinking about divorce initially. This battle not worth pursuing IMO. Wayward thinking at its best....not thinking clearly right now and no decision she makes is a good one. This decision was made for her...

ig
"High school ex...I really don't care about this one. Disaster averted here. She won't see him again"

How much you want to bet?

Disaster averted here, changed to disaster postponed?

Exposue OM2 BW, and tell OM2 that she is still your W and you are going anywhere.

I see everyone's point...and no one has been wrong on these forums yet. Hmm...time to plan.

Another question. I know she is not herself these days, but is she 'purposely' testing me or is this just her right now? Like the OBGYN example, or perhaps leaving things out in the kitchen. She never did these things before..is she trying to make me revert to my old ways (complaining, pushing for an answer, etc) or is this just the selfish, one-sided behavior of a wayward? If she is testing me, I am passing with flying colors. Just not sure. Thanks all.

igrip, I'm glad to see you take the concerns of everyone seriously re: this 2nd OM. I was worried you were willing to be blinded by your wanting your W back so very much. Understandable, but can't let that happen yet. She is still exhibiting all signs of waywardness, and you need to be particularly vigilant w/ this high school ex.

The fact that she told you about the lunch was her way of throwing you off the trail and making you believe it's just an innocent meeting. I mean, if it were all affair-like and whatnot, why would she TELL you OUTRIGHT, you know? Also, don't trust a word she says regarding this. Did OM2's W REALLY find out and put a stop to their meeting? YOU need to be the one to have that information, straight from OM2's W.

You have GOT to address that independent computer/spare bedroom issue. YOU need to be the one meeting her needs, and if that means clamping down on outside sources doing that (Facebook, whatever), so be it.

If that's what you want, anyway - it's a lot to ask for you to police her. And I fully appreciate how her choices are hers and you can't change her...but remember, she is FOGGY now and can NOT think straight to save her life. So don't hide behind the "I want to save my M, but I can't change her, and oh, shoot, she just had another A, but, no, I can't change her..." See what I'm getting at?

Also, the ob-gyn thing is worrisome. It could be nothing, it could be something. If it IS something, do you have a way to monitor if she discusses it w/ any close friends? Maybe another tally on the keylogger side...

My goodness, do waywards make sense to themselves?

Last night, my wife was looking miserable again. I told her that I missed her happiness and had not seen her smile in over six weeks. She said 'because you won't let me do what makes me happy.' I asked 'what is that - be with him?' She said yes, that and other things. I asked her what the other things were and the only thing she could come up with were 'getting away' and traveling somewhere (not with me of course, and no way she would as she 'knows' I would use it against her according to her lawyer).

Again, she is FULL TILT into rewriting history, that OM will make her happy and that we are through and have been. CLASSIC. I am hoping for a miracle here. I am doing what I need to be doing as I can, but honestly, she needs a message from above to 'break this fog.' This continues to be very tough.

Oh, a friend mentioned something interesting last night. The fact that she was willing to visit with the ex (it never happened, he went back to his hometown and never called her back), means that 'possibly' she was willing to 'cheat' on the first 'OM.' It is a sign..she cannot see or talk to the original OM so she was seeking a replacement. Maybe OM is 'dropping' just a little bit in her heart? Maybe, just maybe?

Oh this sucks.