In a nutshell, right before the A began we met who we strongly suspect is DH's biological mom (he is adopted). It was a shock and we both left the funeral kind of dazed. She was there with her son who looks exactly like DH.

It was all downhill from there, and after the A was discovered, his constant repeated mantra was "I felt accepted".

All three of our MCs plus SH agreed that the A was most likely triggered from the birth mother "rejection" and he was desperately looking for "acceptance" of any kind. It still makes me very sad to think of this...

Not that any of this matters...it was still an A and still needed to be dealt with the same way all affairs are dealt with. He also still needed to take full responsibility, no matter what was going on at the time, and he has.

Who is Nelly?
This is Nelly?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nelly

Gee, I thought you were referring to him:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Keith_Jackson

I don't get it.

Gack, you must be a mere whipper-snapper.

[Hope I'm not violating any rules here by discussing another website & another counselor, but you'll see why I feel so passionately about this.]

I spent a fair amount of time reading and posting on divorcebusting.com beforehand in my sitch from years ago and only found MB after my WW's D (worded that way intentionally as she alone did it and she alone owns the consequences). I also read a book by the website�s founder and mentor, a counselor whom I will refer to by her initials only (MWD).

I want to mention in fairness that MWD is indeed zealously pro-marriage and anti-divorce and her goals and aspirations (to reconcile marriages) seem genuine and noble. The website and discussion boards therein are likewise. Much of the advice dispensed by DB (both the book and website) comports nicely with MB and is solid. MWD�s article entitled �The Divorce Trap� is an excellent description of the self-entitled fantasy, �happily ever after� mindset that so many departing spouses have and use to justify divorce and the inevitable tragically avoidable results they discover several years down the road after families, friendships, and marriages have been casually discarded and ripped apart. The DB program is basically Plan A (w/o �the stick�) and Plan B�both under different names and catch-phrases.

Where I vehemently disagree with DB (and have come to learn better about) are the tactics and attitudes DB espouses with regard to affairs. This is where DB and MB part company and where I can personally attest to MB�s superiority, both with regard to the prospect of reconciling a marriage in crisis and to a BS�s personal understanding and mental healing if D takes place anyway.

DB massively de-emphasizes affairs, both in terms of their likelihood (it�s stunningly na�ve about how often�almost always�an affair pre-dates the marital �crisis�) and their destructive role. The DB view seems to be basically �don�t concern yourself with a spouse�s affair or possible-affair because you can�t do anything about it and it doesn�t matter much anyway�. Snooping, exposure, & discomfiture of affairs are actively discouraged. Infidelity is viewed mostly as a SYMPTOM of a �marriage gone bad� rather than as the 800lb GORILLA IN THE ROOM threatening the marriage that it truly is. It�s almost a �don�t ask, don�t tell� policy. I can personally attest to the ineffectiveness and destructiveness of this conflict-avoiding approach.

Firstly, it disarms the BS of the only effective weapons he/she has to pressure the affair to a premature end. We all know that affairs thrive on secrecy and �forbidden fruit� danger and tend to lose their luster when widely exposed. We also know that many affairs will continue for quite a while if clandestine or unchallenged (WHs will usually cake-eat and keep 2 women; WWs will usually ram through a divorce to be with their new �soulmate�). Waiting passively for an emotionally-addicted affair to come to a natural conclusion is heart-wrenching and low-yield strategy, especially if you are a man dealing with a WW.

Secondly, this approach puts tremendous psychological pressure (as if there wasn�t enough turmoil and pain there anyway) on the BS. He/she basically assumes responsibility or �fault� for the marriage crisis. While we all agree that the carrot of Plan A involves partnership-improvement & being attractive and loving toward the WS, that should NEVER include self-blame or condoning or �looking the other way� or accepting the cheater�s betrayal, deceit, and depravity. I can personally testify to how mentally self-destructive (not to mention traumatic) it is for a BS to believe that he/she �caused the affair� somehow and bears full responsibility for the marriage�s breakdown. Until I found MB and did confirmatory research elsewhere about the true nature of affairs and cheaters, I didn�t see how much added pressure and guilt I had needlessly put on myself and how much I had given a �free pass� to those who sold-out their principles for expediency.

As a BS, avoiding the affair-issue and not fully understanding the responsibility therein is a recipe for marital destruction and personal psychological anguish. Being armed with MB-knowledge gives you a far better chance of breaking the affair and recovering the marriage. And�even if the marriage does end�you are in a far better mental place knowing that you are better off without a spouse who CHOSE TO CHEAT, CHOSE TO LIE, CHOSE TO CONTINUE, & CHOSE TO REMAIN UNREPENTANT.


P.S.: Yes, the whole �mid-life crisis� label is a bunch of malarkey when it comes to affairs. It�s just another lame infidelity excuse and justification masquerading as a medical diagnosis.

Cheating is a CONSCIOUS DECISION and a MASSIVE VOLUNTARY BREACH OF CHARACTER, VALUES, & BOUNDARIES. It isn�t a �stage-of-life issue� or a �mental condition�.

SDCW man, thanks for the interesting info. on what DB is really about.

Sounds pretty similar to the MLC forum, where the affair is basically ignored and accepted as inconsequential to the marital issues. What a shame.

I also like the way you call it your WW's D. That's exactly how I've felt about my WH and all the incredible actions and decisions he's taken it upon himself to make on behalf of our marriage and our family.

Waywards stink.

Sidney,

Thank you. I came to fully understand how self-defeating it is for a BS to "ignore" or "accept as inconsequential" their WS's adultery.

On a practical level, a BS who puts his/her "head in the sand" is passively and unintentionally condoning and allowing their spouse's cheating. This can take the form of:

• Ignoring or not wanting to accept warning signs
• Fear of snooping or discovery
• Believing a WS's implausible lies (cuz he/she "would never do that! Right?")
• Failing to do �nuclear exposure� of a discovered affair (cuz that might make the adulterer/adulteress �mad�)
• Caving in to the WS's threats, misdirections, and intimidations ("hiring a PI would be blatant violation of trust!" -- I actually got that ridiculously delusional and ironic comment verbatim from my WW)

The above takes away the major tools a BS has to pressure the infidelity�ie, dispelling the emotional fantasy, ending the cake-eating, & imposing COSTS/REPERCUSSIONS (emotional, social, financial, familial, ethical) upon the affair-partners. Of course, avoiding the above is exactly what the cheating spouse wants to do! Whether or not the WS wants an immediate divorce, he/she desperately wants to milk the secretive fantasy, continue the cake-eating, and/or get out of the marriage with minimal personal baggage (having of course become the �innocent victim� of a �bad spouse� that he/she had demonized and scapegoated to justify the divorce and hide the affair).

On a psychological level, I can tell you personally that burying-your-head-in-the-sand will destroy the BS mentally far more completely than knowing the ugly and painful truth about your husband�s/wife�s cheating. The BS will always have unanswered questions (the WS/xWS will never cop to anything they got away with), will always blame themselves for everything, and will feel responsible for �causing the breakup�.

If the BS empowers himself/herself instead via learning about how affairs really work, realizing that adultery is the CHEATER�S FAILURE/BURDEN, and discovering/exposing the specific affair wrecking their marriage, then he/she will grow and strengthen. They can take responsibility for THEIR errors only�which is all a self-respecting person should ever do. They come to realize that their WS, despite whatever discontents they had about the marriage beforehand, is fully responsible for the choices of adultery and divorce if the affair is not ended, acknowledged, and repented of sincerely .

BS: Knowledge is power�and it is very liberating.
WS: Having to continue living a life of lies, denials, avoidance, shame, embarrassment, loss, and isolation is exceedingly draining and unfulfilling.

Outstanding posts, SDW, and I agree with every word. As one BH said after he exposed his wife's affair, "exposure changed me from a serf to a KNIGHT." His actions against his wife's affair saved his marriage. When he began taking a stand against the affair, his entire demeanor changed from terrified and despairing to bold and confident.

Taking affair busting steps emboldens betrayed spouses and hastens the death of affairs. Silence and secrecy feed affairs, on the other hand.

Amen to that. All of it.

By the way, I met the man [BobPure] who said that and his wife last April in person! They are in a recovered marriage.