Sorry, imminent divorce.<P>Not do to love loss or just giving up. Sadly it's due to trust. I'm the one filing for the divorce after I've tried so hard to fix it.<P>After I finally got my W home a week and a half ago I still didn't "feel" right. something was telling me things aren't right. I read a post here about wire tapping (Wexwill I believe) so I thought why not? I know this is love busting but I needed a little piece of mind. I recorded several days of conversation hoping actually that OM had called and my W had told him to buzz off or something similar. <P>Instead I got an earful of her plans stating that she was only back to save money so she could get her own place and file for divorce herself and take the kids from me. <P>This hurt,angered,saddened, you name it, this did it. She also had calls from OM, initiated by her, they talked, told each other they missed each other and that they loved each other.<P>We even went to counseling after I had discovered this. She didn't know I knew and I already informed the counselor. We sat there and the counselor and I would ask this that and the other during the session just to see if she would be truthful. She lied the whole time.<P>Finally Friday I could take it no more and I asked some things point blank. She denied them all and lied to my face. I finally told her knew for a fact (without telling her how) that she was lieing. She started telling some of the truth but only if I confronted her every time and told her I knew she was lieing.<P>I asked her to leave and am now filing for divorce to protect my kids. From her, her lifestyle, and from being taken from me. (She also admitted on tape to her friends that she was trying to sell drugs to get some money)<P>I ask that everyone in this group pray for me and my boys that we will find the strength to endure this. Thank You.<P>------------------<BR>1Co:2:4: And my speech and my preaching was not with enticing words of man's wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power:<BR>1Co:2:5: That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.

Paul,<BR>I am so sorry to hear this. I wish that I knew a way to make you feel better. If I were in your shoes I would go find a lawyer that was as blood thirsty as possible. Just a warning, in some states those tapes you made can not be used as evidence. It might be good for you to continue to tape them and find out if and or when they were going to meet. Hire a PI to take pictures that can be used as evidence. Get nasty and go for blood. Your kids are at stake.<P>------------------<BR><BR>That Which does not kill us makes us stronger.<BR>

Sorry to hear the news. Thank God your kids have you watching out for their best interest. Will pray for you all.

Awfully sorry to here about your recent events. I'll be praying for you and the boys.<P>I will be reaching my own crossroads next month. I hope I have better luck but I'm not counting on it.<P>Again, hang in there. Let us know how things turn out. Hopefully, she will have a change of heart in the end.<P>Flip

Paul: I remember when I was in your wife's shoes. Isn't she pregnant by the OM? She may still come to her senses Paul. She's pregnant and still in a fantasy. It took me a few years to come to my senses. I think you are right though to do everything to protect yourself and your boys. I'll be praying for you. Lisa G.

sorry to hear about that Paul. I have decided to let her be, and my son will learn by my example. i'll pray for you and your boys.<P>she'll be back, i'm sure, they always do.

Paul,<P>I'm so sorry. <BR>I am down that divorce route as well.<P>I felt I had to counter-file my wife's filing (from late April), since she said she was trying to get the kids(7yo girl, 10yo boy, 17yo stepson) to move out of state with her into her lover's life. To make him(OM) the "new man" in their lives... yuck!!!! To protect them from me... huhhh??? I was devastated beyond belief.<P>I was told by numerous (even some of the <B>best</B>) lawyers I had at best a 1-in-20 or 1-in-10 chance of getting custody...because I was the working dad and my wife was the stay-at-home mom for 11 years!)<P>I got a very good lawyer... but what really gave me the edge is that the 17yo (who I raised from the age of about 3 or 4) knew his mom was doing something sooooo wrong. He(stepson) said he'd never move out of state to be near/with this scum(OM) who wanted to break up the family. And, that my stepson realized he couldn't let his younger brother and sister be raised by this scum either. Up until that time I thought the faith I brought him up on was bearly sinking into him...he proved me <I>wonderfully</I> wrong! It is because of my stepson's decision, and the fact that our courts frown on moving children(especially out of state) soley for the purpose of allowing a spouse to live with a lover... that she gave up on them. She pushed enough of a property settlement agreement to get herself some "divorce" money from me(sucker that I was)... and she moved out 8/28/99. She now has every other weekened visitation. I was hoping to have her see them every weekend (and come to see them 2-3 times midweeks like she told them)... so I could make some more frequent contact with her, but she said she only wanted every other weekends (I guess to fulfll her fantasies.) So now I do a long distance Plan A.<P>As far as your divorce...<BR>Do get a good attorney! It is a waste of your time and money to get a poor one. I think you said you filed already... but if your attorney isn't working hard enough get a second one by searching the <A HREF="http://lawyers.martindale.com/marhub/form/by.html" TARGET=_blank>Martindale-Hubbell</A> site {do a county search... marital attorneys only... and choose from those that work on lots of family panels/committees and... know the judges!} The attorney I got this way gave me a 33%-50% chance of getting custody... now with her moved out... it is at least 95%! This is important, because my son told me that after the 1999-2000 school year... she plans on trying for custody again...(now that she has a low paying full-time temp job!)<P>I also found a very helpful group at<BR><A HREF="http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/" TARGET=_blank>Father's Rights To Custody</A><BR>They, in general, don't care about any "reconciliation" issues... just child custody!<P>Even though this(divorce) is a huge love buster... it sounds like for you, as for me... it is a necessity! Don't feel you have to give up on the rest of Plan A... I haven't... since I see continuing Plan A as the only way to make up for the divorce stuff so far. I am now trying to stop the divorce as best I can... since she has moved out... and has not pursued it since leaving. There have been the occasional overtures of "I need what's due me"... but I ignore it... since she is living with OM... on $10K of it already!<P>Hang in there!<BR>Use all the support you can get.<BR>I'll keep an eye out for you, and say a prayer as well.<P>So will He. <P>Jim<BR>-------------<BR>I can dare myself... I'll put a pebble in my shoe...<BR>I can walk... I can walk! I shall call the pebble Dare...<BR>Dare shall be carried... And when we both have had enough<BR>I will take him from my shoe, singing... "Meet your new road!"...<BR>Finally glad... Finally glad... That you are here... By my side...<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited October 25, 1999).]

Paul, <P>How awful for you. Just when you thought things were going so much better. I know you are in a very depressed state and i would encourage you to <B>NOT</B> make any rash decisions. <P>I would also encourage you to not throw in the towel just yet. I think you should take steps to protect yourself and your kids but I think there is still hope. Keep in mind your wife is still controlled by her fantasy self. While she does care for this OM, she is not thinking clearly. You <B>HAVE</B> to be the one to think clearly right now. <P>Get the book "Divorce Busting". Read it and see if your wife will read it. Afterall, you are both talking about serious life changing issues. Both of you need to have all the facts before you take that step.<P>I know you were dealt a severe blow by listening to their conversation. You know where her head is now, I say <B>STOP</B> tapping the phone. It is only going to destroy you. You don't need to hear anymore Paul. Knowing your spouse is in an affair is bad enough, being voyeuristic is cruel and unusual punishment on yourself. You need strength and a clear head right now. So, stop listening in. <P>We are here for you Paul,<P>SHA

I am so sorry.

Robilar: That was my first thought and initial plan. If not for my renewed faith on God it would be the road I would take.<P>Leah, covenant: Thanks for the prayers<P>flipper: We started off bad I believe, but thanks for your reply, maybe we can make up for where we went awry.<P>LTaylor: Yes she is pregnant by OM. She actually stated this weekend though that she is having doubts as to his ability to be a good father.<P>NSR: I don't want your shoes. So far she is not fighting me, I think because of the drug thing. She's afraid I'll take them and she'll never see them. I wouldn't do this, but she's afraid I would.<P>SHA: Where have you been? Been looking for you! After I confronted her she did "appear" to have a change of heart. She acted like a completely different person. Loving and trying hard. But she was still telling lies. Even after I told her this is why we are divorcing. I think she honestly has true lieing problem. I honestly don't think she can help it. She lies when there is no benefit. Even if the truth would serve the purpose better she lies. And not just to me, to anyone.<P>Yes I am very low and I'm trying to think clearly. I think this marriage must end though. No matter what. We ran away to get married in a court house by a judge. If my W and I are ever to succeed, things will have to be done right. In front of all, performed by a minister and blessed by God. I don't feel our original marriage was blessed by anything.<P>Thanks for the replies and prayers.<P>------------------<BR>1Co:2:4: And my speech and my preaching was not with enticing words of man's wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power:<BR>1Co:2:5: That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.

Paul I am so sorry to hear your news.<P>This whole business is awful, they lie about anything, not just the affair, so easily when the affair is hummimg. I think you have the right idea of protecting your boys, I wouldn't be so hasty to file for divorce or remove the phonetap. <P>I would take a time-out (at least 48 hrs) for yourself to be sure what you want. If you can stand it consider letting her stay within the house even if you want divorce. It is better to know your enemies thoughts and movements. At some point this will fall apart for your wife, whether or not you'll want to save her I don't know.<P>At least things have been pretty straightforward for me, I can only imagine how you feel after the rollercoaster crashed.

oh, no wonder you told me to be honest with my husband about leaving!<BR>gosh, i am so sorry this is happening to you...and her pregnant with OM's baby (my OW accused me of that...H really believes i cheated on him, though i never physically strayed).<BR>yeah, don't do anything rash right now, your wife is not all there, so to speak.<BR>good luck to you.<P><P>------------------<BR>for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, till death do us part.<P><BR>

Paul,<BR>I'm so sorry to hear this...<BR>My thoughts & prayers are with you.<BR>Butterfly<P>------------------<BR>My favorite quote....<BR>"Hello, this is God. I will be handeling your problems today. I will not need your help, so sit back and have a good day."<BR>

Awoken: 48 hrs is done over, she left Saturday morning. But an interesting idea about letting her stay.<P>Love was blind: Understand? Thnks for reading this, I hope you make the right choice in your situation. Give him a REAL chance.<P>Butterfly: Thanks<P>------------------<BR>1Co:2:4: And my speech and my preaching was not with enticing words of man's wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power:<BR>1Co:2:5: That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.

Paul:<P>So sorry to hear this. I can imagine how much it hurts.<P>As the others have advised, don't do anything rash. Yes, protect yourself. Get restraints filed and seek a child support order. But don't file for D for a least a few more weeks. You want to make sure your behavior is based on well thought out reasons, not necessarily emotion.<P>I have a mixed reaction to the tapping. My personal opinion is that there's a good chance your life was lying TO THE OTHER MAN. She's caught in the middle and telling both of you what you want to hear. I bet she's one mess inside. I would be worried about her if I were you.<P>So if it were me (and it can never be), I would distance myself from the drama, let her rely on the OM and his money and support, and watch the whole thing blow-up. Meanwhile, focus on YOU and really figure out what you want from this.<P>I'm praying for you.

Ltaylor,<P>Do you think it would help Paul to hear about how your situation was resolved? Or would it be too painful to go back to that time 18 years ago? Just a thought.<P>Regards<BR>Just Learning<P>P.S. How did the meeting with your daughter go? Is she handling the news OK? How are you doing? Good luck with all of that.<p>[This message has been edited by Just Learning (edited October 25, 1999).]

Paul, I am so sorry. I'll be praying for you and your children.<P>Lori

Paul -- I'm sorry doesn't help I know, but I really am sorry for you. Take care of yourself and your boys. I will be praying for you.<P>God Bless

I just got back home. I am so sorry to hear what has happened. I understand totally how you felt about the lying. When I found out about the lies, my H confessed he was still seeing OW, he left to live with OW. But you can't live with the lies. You and your cildren are in my prayers.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Paul,<P>I am so sorry to hear of your most recent discovery. I too taped the phone and heard W and the OM chatting away sounding so happy. I could only listen to it once. I still have the tape but doubt I will ever touch it again.<P>Don't give up the ship just yet. It's not over till the fat lady sings falls off the stage and dies. I'm in the same boat as you and many others on this site. I have regained my self respect and am really not in a hurry to find someone else. If W can come to her senses I will listen.<P>Wishing us all the Best,<P>Medic