Then I'll change my statement:

I hear a fog horn. A very loud one. I am in utter dismay that you are were in contact with ANY men on FB. In fact, I am dumbfounded that you even HAVE HAD FB.

You are trying to move us all past this FB account because NOW you don't have one.

A secret FB account is VERY, VERY painful to a BS.

FRIENDING old flings after having an affair is like shoving a knife into the old wound and ripping it open.

I'm guessing that you never did eliminate your IBs. And they've just progressed to more hurtful and risky ones...like FB.

You are again (still) an affair waiting to happen, and you want to blame that on W2S because he "cannot forgive you".

HE DOESN'T HAVE TO.

And yes, Lala, I forgave tst. He gave me every reason to.

My next posts will demonstrate how you have NOT given W2S the same JC.

So you renigged on what should be JC.

Instead of removing opportunities for affairs to develop, you went online and CREATED the PERFECT opportunity for one (or more).

Opening a secret account.

Positioning people of the opposite sex in an avenue to have private conversations.

Keeping your marriage vulnerable to affairs by NOT working MB. You have not yet even come close to working MB!


So why have I forgiven tst????

DUH!

Because he doesn't do those kinds of things.

He protects me from hurt.
He protects our marriage from others.
He is transparent.
He meets my needs.
He makes sure we meet our UA.
He does not love bust.

How dare you try to gaslight W2S about not forgiving you!

You want him to think that your lack of marital recovery is because he has some inability to forgive.

Your lack of recovery is because you haven't worked MB. YOU haven't.


I'll be back with more in a sec. Aren't you excited for that?!

JC isn't about the "main" thing.

It's about EVERYTHING.

My FWH had to give up the activity he loved, too. That action was backed up by the attitude of "I never want to do anything that would bring you pain ever, ever again."

Guess what?

He's doing that activity again.

Why?

Because the attitude he presented to me was never one of resentment.

You have always been resentful. You have the pleasure you receive from this activity ahead of the pain it brings to your husband.

And you've been feeding that resentment since you first "had" to give it up.





I don't think you really believe that.

I think you believe that W2S destroyed your music career because he's not tough enough to stop triggering over it.

But had you given him the care and protection he needed over the last few years, he might actually be at a place where he COULD POJA about this activity. Or maybe not.

If you are really giving it as an attempt to COMPENSATE for your offence, you would give it freely and eagerly. You gave it resentfully and then have fed that monster ever since.





Oh PULEASE!!!!!

Can't find the strength????


This wasn't about finding strength!

This wasn't about finding compassion!

You want to dress it up and make is sound pretty.

Poor, poor Lala! If only she had the strength to do what needed done.

The martyr role does not befit you well.

STOP IT!




Woop.tee.doo!

This is again....

the martyr role.

Poor, poor Lala. She's willing to do soooooooooo much....give up soooooooooo much...and she's sooooooooo talented.....what a saint she is!

Woop.tee.doo!

And that mean ole W2S! Making her quit when she's so obviously meant to do this. It's her destiny!




Get over yourself Lala. Great singers are a dime a dozen.

JC is what you OFFER UP, not what W2S "decides" on.

W2S's inability to pinpoint JC is very typical.

Here's a quote from Dr. H's article on JC:



So you begrudgingly offered up your singing and W2S thought to himself "I know how much this means to her, so maybe it's worth the risk to entertain the proposal."

But your proposal for JC fell way short. You expected putting this one IB out there would be enough. But no, mean ole W2S expects soooooo much more. Why can't he just get over it!




Completely????

Then you never entertain the thought of returning to it???

You never fantasize about singing again???

You never wonder if W2S will ever reach a point that you can POJA singing again???

Because that's what COMPLETELY giving something up looks like.





Told them what???

About your gaslighting, lying, and cheating?

or that you were giving up music because it hurt that overly sensitive husband that keeps triggering over it???



Had you studied Dr. H's materials, you would know that this was not enough. You had so much more to do to provide JC.


And you do realize, don't you, that just compensation is not "just" as in "justly". It is "just" as in "it won't come close, but it's everything I can give".

There is nothing on earth that you can do to compensate W2S in a justly manner. It's not tit-for-tat. Losing your music doesn't come close to losing what W2S did. I'm a dancer, Lala. I "get" the "this is who I am and what I was meant to do". I get the passion for it. I know what you feel like you lost. And I know what W2S lost. There's no comparison, so stop thinking there is.


Please go read this so that you can finally understand what JC is:


Why Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?

When I read your first post, my mind started filling up with "things to say", and "points to make".

But after reading all the responses from others, I decided that it is not necessary.
Everything I was gonna say has been WELL SAID, by others.

I offer you this, LaLa ....

I concur with the previous observations.
I think you can do much better.
I support your efforts to post and have your butt kicked by people who care for you!

We have been in M recovery 14.5 years.
Same length of time my H has been working his 12 step program.
If my H turned to his addiction once again when he was feeling bad for any reason, justifiable or not, he would be making a decision he no longer wanted me around.
I REFUSE to live with an active addict ever again.
And, this INCLUDES our eldest child who knows he has a "problem with alcohol" , but ...
"it's not THAT bad".

2 months away from your "smoking" is a baby step.
Get your butt into a program that will teach you better coping skills.
I'm serious.

Best of luck to you, my dear.

AWESOME POSTS SMB and totally spot on for JC and "having" to give up something.

Your EPs are LAME!

If you were a new WS on here, I'd tell you they are a good start and encourage you to keep thinking and adding to it. But you aren't a new WS, are you?

You should know better. But you don't because you didn't take the time to learn. You were too busy writing posts about the wayward mind. You wanted to be the teacher, yet you were unwilling to learn what needed to be taught. You are so good at sounding good, that you impressed many people here. Some saw through it though.

This is all you did to protect your marriage, and you wonder why W2S keeps bringing up the A, can't get over it, and doesn't forgive?????

You got your admiration need filled HERE on this board by sounding good. Then you'd get frustrated with W2S for not appreciating all you do for him. So many BS's on the forum would jump for joy for such a repentant WS. False repentance is an ugly creature.





If you take the time to read the link I posted, you will finally learn that part of JC is MEETING YOUR BS's ENs.





YOU HAVE NOT READ SAA?????!!!!!

You ran around this board making post after post offering advice, but you didn't even bother to READ THE BOOK!!!!

I'm not surprised. Just furious that you misled so many people here into thinking you were a shining star of a FWS. In truth, you give FWS's a bad name.




Yes, God has blessed us.

But you had all the materials at your fingertips and didn't bother to pick them up.

So don't go making this about all those lucky people who can AFFORD MB and poor, poor Lala who just doesn't have the money.

You had FREE resources you chose to ignore. So OF COURSE you didn't invest in the upgrade that would not only cost you time but also money!!!




LAME AGAIN!

We MAKE time for what we value. You did not VALUE rebuilding your marriage (which is obvious from the way you've answered all the questions), so you didn't MAKE TIME for rebuilding it.

You wanted to be able to say, "Hey, I'm still with you, I went NC with OM, and I stopped singing." Poof....we're recovered.

No, Lala, it doesn't work that way. You have done absolutely none of the recovery work necessary to rebuild your marriage, and you want to blame W2S's lack of forgiveness.

This is just so typical. WS's come on here wanting to do the same thing as you. Then month/years later, their BS's come back on here because the WS had another affair. They say....MB doesn't work. MB didn't help. Yet they

NEVER DID MB!!!!





10-12 hours ain't gonna get it. 15 hours is the MINIMUM.

What the heck are you guys doing on your weekends????? Your evenings????

Are you ready yet Lala, to save your family?

Or would you rather continue to let it go down in flames and blame W2S's lack of forgiveness?

If you are finally ready, go to NA. Then get serious about LEARNING MB and PLAN A your husband! (No, I did not say work the recovery program....I said PLAN A!)

And don't you dare post advice to people on here for a very long time. Start being the STUDENT for a change!

Yes!

I am dumbfounded at reading that you have not read SAA, Resonance!!!

Crack the !@#$@! book open and get to learning.

You sure did have me snowed. I'm glad you told the truth about it, though.

In order to attempt to recover my marriage, I read SAA, HNHN, Love must be tough, feel the fear and do it anyway, the five love languages, and countless articles and summaries and research. I STILL do, and I am now divorced, partly , partly because my WH didn't lift even a pinky to recover, partly because I couldn't tolerate someone who could be so destructive and not do a dang thing to fix the problems. I also did Plan A, Plan B, mucho pride swallowing and false recovery after false recovery, until I got my head extracted and got MY OWN help with Alanon...and realized that I COULDN'T recover with the Z because he was an addict who didn't think he was.

My head was a MESS, my heart was wrecked and I felt derailed. Financially, life is pretty unstable, due to the divorce. STILL I did not make excuses to sit there and wallow in self-pity. I had a son to raise into a man, and he needed a mother that was strong and confident. Sooooo, I kept pushing myself to recover. I am now a work in progress and so much more at peace.

Get it together, Resonance. Look at yourself and what you need to work on. LOOK, SEE the mess you have made and clean it up

DJ alert.

Seriously, you have some nerve.

Good job SMB, you have said everything I have been too worked up to say.

Lala and W2S ~ there is NO EXCUSE for not meeting your UA hours. SMB and TST have 5 kids; we have 4, yet both we all are able to meet our hours.

I suspect the real reason the UA hours haven't been met is because there is much hurt on W2S's side and too much resentment on your side.

Time to suck it up and grow up, both of you.

x

x

x

I'm delighted to see the spirit in which you are taking all this. It seems to me to be a good omen.

tl

Instead of waiting for SMB to come and help you fix your EP list, why don't you take today and read Surviving an Affair, cover to cover. You'll learn a ton about EPs there.

x

x

I don't think I have ever posted to you but I have a few things that might set you on a better path. All of this, of course, came from the wonderful people here and they have made such a huge difference.

My FWH, GM has a list of EPs that are about 4 pages long. He had an addiction problem as well and he has addressed every little thing that might be something (MIGHT be something) that would make him think about it or an A again. My job, specified in the list, is to call him on them when I see them. I do see them, I call him on them and now after all this time he does not question me. He knows I know them when I see them and he figures it out and sets it right without a single comment other than to agree and say that now he sees it. His behavior has changed so much because of all of that. EP's are essential and the more detailed the better AFAIAC. He gave up many things that were a large part of his life, not his music...we are both musicians and I understand how difficult that must be but none of his A's or drug problems revolved around that surprisingly. Still, if that is what is needed do it and don't look back. There may be a time in the future you can do it again but don't ever ask for it. That was blown with the A. Sorry, the resentment that you think is not seen is always obvious and that is the worst thing you could do. As much as it takes, as long as it takes and do it all willingly so that he knows you are committed to making it right.

Just a few things from someone stumbling along and making progress in spite of herself.