Im trying. Its hard not to just want to walk away or go crazy.


Ill only use the CO and the IG office. I thought about using the base command as well but thats probably overkill.


Im going to run in 100 plus degree tempatures probably about 3.4 miles. I just have to get out. Running blanks me out of this stuff. It gives me a small reprieve. It will also use up most the day so I wont have to deal with the alien much. She can see my frustration and I dont want her to see me downtrodden.

Ill be there to put DD4 to sleep. Then ill pack up for work tomorrow. Ill ask her if she wants to watch a movie and that will be it.

YEG,

I know what you mean about the internal debate on going crazy or keep trying. That's why it's so important to take care of yourself and to remember WHY you are trying to save your marriage.

About running in 100 degrees....

Is this normal for you? I mean, are you OK to be running in the heat like that? As long as you are in shape for it, running is great. Just drink water.

No its not really normal. I did it yesterday though. Ill hydrate. Its kinda a purge by fire thing. Maybe its my catholic roots poking out. I sometimes just have the urge to purge pain with more pain.

Running is great for relieving the stress, but do it smart and don't overwork yourself. It's OK to work hard and sweat out the pain, but when it's that hot it can be dangerous. You don't want to end up with heat stroke. Just pay attention to how your body is reacting and if you need to, just turn around early or take a breather.

been there, done that, and it DOES work. we're grown-ups and trust that you know your limits, so i won't reiterate the bit about hydration. i encourage it--it's better to exhaust yourself physically than mentally or emotionally. in fact i've found physical exhaustion helps get everything else in perspective and lets you come home in a more serene state of mind.

plus, as you said, you're getting a little leaner and buffer each time; that can't hurt. what author said: "suffering does fine work with the chisel"? Doctorow? Huxley? Bueller? Anybody?

Hi Yeg,

You did me a favor of posting to me quite awhile ago, and I quite honestly got lost in myself and did not post back to you. But, I appreciated your post to me.

Am 67 years old now and will be age 68 in another 8 days. I have studied the info here as well as other's threads. Fortunately for me Yeg I had a woman who when we were younger I did not have to go thru this. I doubt if I would have been near as stong as you are now.

I respond to you now because you are looking to decide what to do.

Just based on me and my experience, and fact that I was raised catholic as well, and just male instincts, I would now get to your Plan B like Now. I am not usually harsher than The Road, but this time I feel so.

The critical point in my reasoning is that you both have a 4 yr old daughter together. Yet your W thwarts her affair in your face despite that, and despite your hurt. The ocasional hugs and looks or whatever else do not seem at all sincere to me. This is a very small population here at MB I believe. In the real outside world I do not think that many husbands would stand for this. Period. It is not that I do not respect MB concepts, it is because I think many men in this situation are pretty decisive and do not even come here. I would not allow my W to take off despite her feelings. That in itself I believe, breaks the M covenant. Obviously you won't be able to stop her, but you should have given her consequences or be prepare to do that.

I cannot execute a Plan A or B with my W due to her housing situation. I try my best with the A. However, when she gets down and attacks me for the best I can do, and becomes cold and distant and expects me to try to work miracles for Her, I give her a 180 for several days. It works. But then it now seems it occurs more often again and again. Look Yet, I am not young, but I am not going to sacrafice my life for her. Your situation is not like mine, but it is in a way that your W is not responding at all. Many women today I think have lost it - the meaning of the instituion of marriage. And, they have acquired the knowledge and the taste for aggravating if not downright insulting their men for the purpose of pursuing their own goals and desire. This has to be anathama in the eyes of God.

Imho Yeg you need to give her a good taste of what like would be like now w/o you and your dau.

I will say a special prayer for you tonight.

Tom

I don't believe she is there. She made up the story about the phone so you wouldn't call. She is lying about where she stayed.

Ok, YEG, this part really concerns me. Is there a reason why the uncle was not exposed to before? Will he speak to your wife about her affair?

Are there any other exposures that need to be done?


This is something that should not be delayed, YEG. Exposure should be immediate and nuclear. All of this should be sent wide and far. To his parents, friends, relatives.

Can you bring me up to speed about what exposures you have done?

I so agree with this! When my XH left, I threw myself into exercise. It was my only relief from the horror. And I established lifelong exercise habits.

MORE ADVICE

" I said I was doing as good as I could. i also said God is helping me carry these burdens. THen I waslked away."

Your told no relationship talk and you still do. You come across as a wuss. Weak men are attractive to women.

As the godfather (marlon brando) said: you gotta act like a man.

I guess you are a little slow on the up take.

"Pros do you think I should give her my ENQ? Should I give her one to fill out?

I want to meet her needs but I dont want to misstep. I feel right now it would just fall on deaf ears."

No. does the N or the O confuse you, or is it when they are put side by side?

No relationship talk. Plan A the best you can. What her faults with you are, are needs that you can meet.

Thank you melody it confirmed my suspicion that this affair is still on.

First of all thanks for the many replys. It was just a rough day.

The run was very therapeutic. Pain sometimes clears the mind. It did in this case.


Im considering this. Im going to schedule an appointment with steve harley when his office is back open. They are closed on mondays. Ill get his take on it. Ill also get his take on how to handle the impending serve papers or drop the case date.

i think she feels sorry for me. I know she wishes I had never found out. She does not like what she is putting me through. I think thats one of her major reasons she wants to move out. To end my suffering. Thats just the side reason though. She also wants to carry on her A easier.

its coming there. Im going to have a hard time getting custody though. It will also set off her motherly instincts and she will go nuts. It will probably set her family off against me as well.

Thanks Tom. I sincerely appreciate that.


I should have exposed to him initially. Just didnt think it would be helpful since he wont confront her. Im seeking prayer support from him.

There really is no one else.

MIL, FIL, her sister, her uncle, OM, OM command, om parents, all my family, her 3 best friends.

As of now only the FIL is providing steady pressure on her. The MIL will talk to her but doesnt force the issue. OM command confronted him. I just read the riot act to OM and threatened re exposure to his command every time I caught him contacting her. I havent caught anything yet thats concrete to go back to them.

Im going to find the PI is what now thread. Do a search for the boost phone online see if they can find an account open.


Im learning from the mistake. I got complacent and let expectations creep in on me since it seemed to be improving. I deserve the 2x4 to the skull.

Im just going to run PA and not ask anymore. I swear this time. I dont wanna know the answer anyways since it seems unlikely PA will work.

Question - What do I do if she brings up relationship talk? What if she tries for affection (hug and stuff)?

WW is breaking down

After the day of hell I was at the house waiting for the wife to get home. She got home with DD4 at about 9ish. She was with the MIL and FIL at a show. I gave DD4 a hug and started putting her to bed. I walked by WW and said hi and asked her about her day.

She looked at me and started crying. I held her for a minute then DD4 came in and she stopped.

Later I passed her. More tears.

I walked into our bedroom. Shes on the floor crying. DD4 and me sat by her. I read DD4 her story and put her to bed. I went downstairs and started folding clothes.

WW made an excuse to go down stairs and sat by me. The tears were just flowing. I made small talk while I finished the clothes then I sat besides her.

I think overall I did really good. She just leaned on me and cried her eyes out for about an hour. I grabbed a washcloth and wiped away her tears. I just held her and stroked her hair. I told her everything was going to be alright. This usually just made her more upset because that is what she always wanted me to do when she had problems. She just wants someone to hold her and tell her everything was going to be ok.

Eventually she fell asleep on me. She woke up a bit later and I curled up behind her on the couch. I held her while she slept. A bit later she went up to bed and I curled up with her. She wasn't comfortable with me sleeping with her but she let me curl up with her a bit.

Here is how i plan A that night. I held her and was comforting to her. I did NOT ask her to tell me her problems. I did NOT do any relationship talk.

She made a couple of comments while she was crying.

"I just want to curl up into a ball." "I don't know how my life got so messed up."

I have no idea of the interpretation of this stuff. She could be trying to muster the courage to leave or she could be genuinely conflicted in her life. Only thing I know is she is a very sad person right now.

Anyone who has a guess what is going on please toss it out. Please evaluate my performance as well. Did I work the Plan A right? FWW especially since they might have been there.

""I just want to curl up into a ball." "I don't know how my life got so messed up."

Exposure and plan A is making her conflicted. Making her unsure that the OM will solve all her problems. Keep it up.

Next, you need pro help, call the Harleys on your own, cheaper then a divorce and a broken family for your daughter.

Ive already had my intial appointment. Im scheduling another one this week to fine tune my plan a and create a backup plan B. I bought the 5 session plan. Im saving one so she can call if she wants to for education and for steve to sell her the plan.

YEG, well how do YOU feel? I bet you feel like you did very well. I would agree that you did well indeed. Now do remember about NO EXPECTATIONS in Plan A though. Also, you don't really want to analyze her reactions. Honestly, it is crazy-making. Your WW could wake up and be completely PISSED at you for acting the way you did last night. Just remember that you want to stick to Plan A and not think about what she thinks about it.

I think I did pretty good. I just want to do as good as I can.

That Is so hard for me. I know I cant have expectations. I want to have my wife back so bad though so I tend to grab on to anything positive I can get. I have to curtail that though. That leads me to Relationship talks and other bad things.

Thanks for the post. I feel better than I did this weekend but I HAVE to learn to curtail that.

We all have problems with the no expectations part. It is something that all BSs have to deal with. We also all want our WSs to be our DSs again. We get glimpses at our DSs every once in a while during Plan A, but that WS alien comes creeping their head back in.

I am glad that you feel better. That is one of the perks of Plan A. There really are times when you feel better about what you are doing. Instead of looking to your WW's reactions o what you are doing, look at yourself. See the leaps and bounds that you are making. Gain confidence in how well you are accomplishing your daily goals of meeting ENs and avoiding LBs. You are doing a marvelous job.

Yeg,
You are doing great, holding her while she cries and telling her things will be alright reassures her she can count on you....
Letting her have her thoughts without any relationship talks shows her you are respecting her thoughts.....
It's all good, I know it's hard on you but this is a situation where you have to be very patient in the beginning.....
I'm glad you are talking to the pros, you are setting everything good in place now.......
I just enjoyed the little moments together with my husband when he was going through what your wife is going through, sometimes I thought I was making headway and then many times I thought I was just spinning my wheels. It takes some time.......
Just believe in what you had when you first married her, it was strong then and just a little lost right now, you are working towards having her fall in love with you all over......
just do little tiny things for her that she will notice, things that aren't expected, little touches, hugs if you can get her to.....
Tell her you love her and that you would like nothing more than to work on your marriage and enjoy your family together.....
good luck....(((HUGS))))