Do not allow her to make you feel bad for involving your family in your dd's party.

It is no wonder you feel hate for her right now. It would be ABnormal for you to not feel hate toward someone who has betrayed you for so many years of your marriage. You haven't been in PA for very long. Please calm down and STOP having expectations. Have you read SOL's thread? He has done an unbelievable PA for over 6 months (granted much of that time he has been away for training)...and his attitude is amazing. He is calm, kind, polite...yet not desperate acting or needy (to his WW). He vents here of course...he has needs, he is sad that his WW has not responded better to his PA...but he is doing what he has to do to take care of himself.

Take away point YEG: STOP having expectations.


I don't think it is time for PB yet. You just have to calm down and stop expecting anything from her. Stop being upset at her for her selfish attitude...calmly tell her your family WILL be invited and if she doesn't want to be around them then SHE can skip the party.

hey, YEG. i hate your situation and i'm sorry your wife is being so impossible. i always follow your posts but seldom have any words of wisdom, because you're already doing the right thing.

please don't feel like a whiny b**** for having human emotions. you have been the strong one through all this, you're the one with a solid game plan and the fortitude to stick to it, and you're fighting for your marriage because she isn't strong enough to do so. you've displayed patience and consideration for your wife that must take a superhuman effort.

let me remind you of what you're doing right: you don't lash out at her. you don't threaten her. you guard yourself against "LBing". you put roses on her ever-lovin PILLOW, for crying out loud.

you know that any perceived neediness pushes her away, and you've been mindful of that. but squelching a legitimate emotion and feeling like a jerk because you haven't successfully stifled an aspect of your personality?? oh HELL no. don't let anyone, including yourself, tell you it's weak or pathetic to cry over this. let me also note here that you WEREN'T seeking pity and comfort from her, she came to you.

from reading your posts re your own situation, and from reading advice and encouragement you've given other betrayed husbands, let me remind you that not only are the strong one in your marriage, you're emotionally strong in general. it takes a lot of strength to even be civil to a WW, let alone rally up and make an effort to be loving.

take care of yourself, YEG. you've got lots of people praying for you.

p.s. my husband got curious about MB, figured out who i was, and has read ALLLL my posts. he read a lot of BH stuff too, and he says you're one of the toughest guys on here and that you're handling your situation ADMIRABLY. he's an ex-Marine AND a Texan and doesn't dole out compliments liberally, so take it to heart.

Don't be so hard on yourself Yeg, you are doing a great job. You've got a call with SH. He will no doubt give you more strength and help tighten up your Plan A. Have you read Mark's musings?

I just wish it was that easy. I wish there was a turn off my feelings pushbutton. I know when its coming too. I can feel it building up over the course of the week. Eventually something sets me off then it all floods out.

I appreciate you following. I know I do the right thing most the time. I know what the books say. I do my research. Its just really hard to put it into practice. She checked out years ago. So its easy for her to turn off her emotions. She percieves she has unlimited time so she just wants to wait from a sign from somewhere. Its not like she is really working through anything. She is just sitting at home and wasting time. Avoiding her problems.


She COULD have done it. She was too chicken to tell me her feelings, wants and needs. Instead she choose to have an A. Now instead of woMANing up and joining the M again she is just avoiding everything.

It is what it is. I want to be the strong man. I want to sweep her back off her feet with my charm again. At the same time though I want her to be there sorta for me. I know im wrong for wanting that. Its just my taker talking.

No but I wanted her there. I want her to hold me and tell me its going to be ok and we can work through this. She just refuses to. It makes me feel worthless. Like my love for her and the years of taking care of her while she was catting around mean nothing to her. The fact Im STILL HERE after her betrayal means nothing to her. There is no way I could treat anyone like she treats me. Its cruel that the person I love the most in this world treats me so bad.


I appreciate it.

Tell him thanks. I was only a submariner but I did stop in texas for a layover a couple of time and I appreciate it.

Ill check it out tonite. Got a Drs appointment and DD5 birthday party today. Thanks for the encouragement. Time to put on my big boy pants now.

YEG, i'm almost glad to see you angry. venting to us beats the heck out of snapping on her and undoing everything you've been working for.

let me put this in perspective: you've deliberately put your expectations on hold for a looong time. you've indulged her all-about-me attitude in an effort not to push her away. you've been solid in your Plan A.

look, you didn't marry a cold, unpleasant, selfish woman. yes, she's BEING cold, selfish, hideously unpleasant, and generally despicable. she's BEING totally unloveable...BUT YOU LOVE HER.

in this situation, it is NOT about her. IT'S...YOUR...KID'S...BIRTHDAY.

your proposed response goes a little something like this:
"i'm sorry you feel that way, but i don't feel like it would be fair to DD5 to tell her that grandma and grandpa can't come to her party because mommy doesn't want to see them. i hope you'll still be willing to attend, because it would be even harder to explain why mommy isn't coming to her party."

she may be a dreadful wife right now, but WWs don't lose their maternal instincts. no WAY she'll make her daughter sad on her birthday because she didn't get her way.

She wont. She will go. I just REALLY need a break from her atm. Im going to take that this weekend. I dont care as long as she isnt there. Then again if she actually wanted to come with me id take her in a second. Ain't love grand.

Seriously? I mean....seriously?

You are gonna have to change your name to RemainClueless if you truly believe that one.

Anyone that has been around these parts any length of time KNOWS that is not true.

Selfish is the waywards middle name.

committed

committed, i'm not denying that WWs become sociopathically egocentric, but we don't necessarily lose all traces of conscience. if that were true, we might be looking at a new Twinkie Defense: a pathological justification for bad behavior.

RemainNameless,

The great majority of them do lose all traces of conscience...unfortunately. Children are totally forgotten in the quest for the affair.

The reason the "twinkie" defense isn't being used, is because waywards aren't being brought up on charges.

I would bet that a poll would show that the WS put the children's needs after their own need to pursue an affair.

Naturally, the WS would say that it didn't happen...while the BS would most assuredly KNOW that it happened.

committed

Maybe we need to link RN to AB3's story.

Mixed Bag

DD5s party went well. WW did come. So did my family. Shocker everyone was well behaved. I dont know what she is thinking. Its not like people are going to attack her at a kids party.

I ALMOST got her to talk to steve. I was a hair away. She put it off to the VERY last minute. I called her at 1130 at night to see if she was going to.

She told me, "You know if I talk to this guy that doesnt mean im not going to leave."

I said I understood.

"Do you reallY?" was her answer.

She then sat on the phone for about 30 seconds. THen she finally decided she wasnt ready yet. I said OK.

I had my appointment with steve though. I went OK. Really not much we can do till WW calls him. We refined my PA a bit. My script to get WW to talk to him. He asked me if the relationship had just gone back underground. Said not that I can confirm.

We talked a bit about my energy level and possible plan B situation. Didnt focus on that since I still have alot of good PA in me.

We talked about the court case. None of her options to leave are good. So he doesnt think there is much risk about letting the case drop. If the OM was going to be in the picture more or she had a substantial income it would be another story.

Im doing the right stuff and I understand the MB concepts well. He is stressing that I keep pushing the education aspect.
I am to push the point that we need a plan to see things get better. That he can give us that plan. He also said it doesnt matter how WW comes to him. It just matters that she comes. He can deal with the "Im just here being a martyr for my husband and kid" situation.

Im definatly getting out of town this weekend. WW may actually go with me. Once she found out I was leaving she started getting interested. If she doesnt thats fine. Ill come back with more energy for my PA.

please do! AB3 full name, searchable?

good call. i know everyone's been telling you, "do something for yourself, YEG...go relax...take a break..." etc.

but everyone has their own internal thresholds that delineate how long you can tolerate a given situation, and your threshold is pretty high. i hasten to point out that this is not the characteristic of a doormat, but of a stoic.

sounds like WW is intrigued--maybe she'll come along...sounds like you're prepared to enjoy it either way!

Ab3s Thread

His wife...well, it's a 70ish page thread. But you'll see.

Weekend update.

She did not go out of town with me this weekend. Not shocked really. She said she was almost out of money and couldnt afford to go. Not like I was going to have her pay for anything anyways.

What did she do instead? She went shopping. Typical.

Going to be completely honest with yall. Over the last few weeks my wife seems to have regressed. She isnt letting me do alot of stuff for her anymore. I think she feels guilty. I also think she is training herself to move out. Learn to be independent and that garbage.

I think her moving out at this point is very likely. I think she has it in her head that leaving the marriage is the only way she can be happy. So I think she is pretty much gone. She is trying to be polite when I do stuff for her.

Ive been talking it over with the FIL. He knows my position if she moves out. Ive asked him not to support her as well. I know he wont let her go hungry but I dont want him to support her living apart either. He told me to cut her off completely so Ill do just that. I pray for him nightly. He will be a huge ally in PB for me I hope.

im pretty set up for my PB. It would actually be better if she left in the next few weeks. I wouldnt have to refile a D complaint. I would just amend it for the custody changes. Just going to let the lawyer go at her a little for the temp hearing. Then ill get the OM in for a deposition ASAP so I can stare him down and make his life hell a few hours before he skampers off to europe. Then Ill put the brakes on the process. Ill make a last good bye letter to his command again to make sure he is afraid to death to contact her with her "new freedom".

From that point should be pretty typical PB. Sit on my hands, take care of DD5 and wait for WW to get tired of being destitute and living with her parents. Pretty rough landing for her. Together we make 150k last year. She will have to live in the little child support she will get from me. Probably about 600 a month. Thats assuming I dont get full custody and she owes ME. She went from a 50k a year job to nothing.

I love her and hope Im wrong but I just see the writing on the wall. For the time being im just continueing plan A and playing out the string. On the way back from my vacation I bought her a jar of mango sauce and her favorite cheesecake from cheesecake factory. She said thank you.

She was pissed at me though. DD5 was crying because mommy wouldnt come home. So I let DD5 call her. Mommy got mad at me because I didnt want to talk to her. Just didnt have anything to say to her. She then sorta eluded to the fact that I was making DD5 upset. I wanted to slap her through the phone. She has the A. She needs this time alone to "think if she wants to stay married". That effects both me AND DD5. Its my fault though.

Should be a lovely fathers day. Be nice to find your wife is tapping out of the M on father day.

Have a lovely weekend all. Going to clean the house for my latest PA event.

WSs absolutely believe that it must be us BSs that are MAKING the kids feel this. We know what the truth is, it is just too hard for them.

Keep to your Plan and you will come out on the other end okay.

Its all I got at this point. Of course that makes me light years away of my WW who has no idea what she wants.

edit- She actually responded to my goodnight text. I cant believe it.

Happy Father's Day, YEG.

i hate how this is playing out--sometimes i wish i could talk to your wife.

i forget--do you have a definite date on which to put plan B into effect? or is it contingent upon her? like, does she need to either recommit or move out by x date, or does plan a continue indefinitely unless she makes her decision by contacting OM?

if there's a set date, is she aware of it? is she maybe freaking out as this date approaches? (sorry to ask for info that's probably remedial.)

sure you recognize that you're extremely fortunate to have your FIL as an ally--do you realize the import here? Daddy's little girl is NEVER wrong, ALWAYS the princess. FIL must recognize you as a really, REALLY worthy husband.

again, i really hope you do have a great father's day--enjoy your daughter--you're doing a wonderful job of protecting her from the drama and keeping the family strong. you're doing a wonderful job across the board, in fact, and i hope sincerely that your wife will give herself back to you and stop making you sad. i'm speaking for everyone reading this: we all want you two to be happy together.

me and H are praying for your family.

RN, The BS doesn't tell the WS that he/she is going to go into Plan B. It is about Plan A until the last second before PLan B. Plan B is like a "Shock and AWE."

Also, a BS is not advised to give an ultimatum. A BS WOULD make DEMANDS that the affair STOP. Sometimes even letting the WS know that if the affair doesn't stop, that D will be the outcome. This is one of the ONLY times that DrH advises DEMANDS in marriage.

If the WS knew about Plan B before it's commencement, it would dilute it's effectiveness.

Have you read all of the material on this site? Have you read SAA? There is a lot of discussion about Plan A and Plan B.