I think this falls under the category of "Just Compensation," but maybe I'm wrong. Can I get some advice or interpretations on what follows?

BH and I have some pretty big life decisions coming up, mostly about career(s). He is our sole breadwinner, I am a housewife and stay-home mom. Caring for the kids is HUGE, so being able to provide a sound home and financial support for them are key. The opportunity has come up for him to either 1) change locations/employers w/in his current profession, or 2) exit the profession altogether.

Current: He is currently a very successful professional. He is a lock (as much as one can be, anyway) for advancement, and provides a very comfortable living for us. He does, however, work extremely hard - long hours, mentally and physically draining work - and under a fair degree of stress. Current job satisfaction is minimal.

Option #1: change employers/locations: The risk increases (as his guarantee of advancement is much harder to obtain, though still possible), the time and stress may increase, the monetary gain is still very good. Satisfaction would likely increase somewhat.

Option #2: leave the profession entirely: He/we could spend some time overseas for more academic pursuits for him. After that, we would return and he would enter a PhD or MD program.

Option #3: Just Compensation? I still have the option to return to medical school. This option expires in the next few days. If I were to return to school, I would finish in 3 years and begin earning money during residency after that. That would free BH from being the sole breadwinner, and he could then pursue either a Ph.D., MD, or anything else he was interested in.

Neither of us are enthusiastic about #3. My first year in medical school was a disaster as far as family life went, and I capped it off with my A. And while we certainly feel I have learned from this, that I am in a much better position now to handle both school and family, the same concerns we had even pre-A are still there: someone else raising our kids, the effect of having a stay-home mom who all of a sudden leaves them for 8-10h/day with some other caregiver, the increased demands on our time and energy. I don't want to return to medicine, either - but this can't be about what I want.

SO. Finally. The idea in question. I think this qualifies as Just Compensation. I return to medical school for the benefit of my BH, giving him the chance to pursue something more satisfying and challenging. Something to give him some drive and fulfillment in life.

I'm having a hard time making a decision on this, as is BH, and I thought some additional perspectives would help me make sure I'm considering all possibilities.

If you made it this far, thank you. Thoughts?

I agree this is a matter of Just Compensation. JC means affair proofing your marriage, so going to med school WOULD NOT BE JC, but just the opposite. You justly compensate your spouse by affair proofing your marriage. Going to med school would be to invite the SAME CONDITIONS that led to your affair:


That should be off the table if you value your marriage. A medical career is something that would have to come before your marriage and you already KNOW it was a disaster.

My philosophy of life is this: if you get your [censored] run over by playing chicken, then stop playing chicken!


I would choose this only if you don't have to spend time apart. In all your decisions, MrsVanilla, your marriage should be put FIRST. That means consideration of overnight travel [bad for marriages to spend the night apart!] and time together. Your marriage will bever be successful or happy if you are not together every day and spending 15+ hours per week of UA time.

So, in all things, I would ask FIRST, how does this effect our marriage? If you put the career first, your marriage will suffer, and if your marriage suffers, your quality of life suffers.

In other words, the career should support the marriage, not the other way around.

Hi Mel -

Thanks for the advice and clarification. I think I am confused about Just Compensation. I thought it was what a FWS offered up to the BS as something - ANYthing - that would work towards rebuilding the M/BS.

The problem is, though, that where we currently are doesn't seem fair, and I know there are times BH is depressed/resentful - partly because of it. I mean, I have the A, and now he's the one who works his tail off to provide a great life for the kids - and I get to stay home, play w/ the kids, go to all sorts of activities with them, etc., etc., etc.

I feel like me going back to medical school is giving HIM something. Instead of asking him to work like an animal and live solely for the kids, that this way he would be able to pursue something for himself.

Wouldn't that be better for the M - a happy FBH?

We do very much get hung up by the role of medical school in the time leading up to my A, and you are absolutely right w/ this:


( , BTW)

So how do I contribute and/or offer up Just Compensation?

I guess I cautiously approach things this way, though with the medical school/career decisions it's trying to put BH first. Because this IS his life, and I want him to have SOME joy out of it.

Where's option 4?

You do something OTHER than medical school to help financially support the family. Besides, providing support 3 years from now doesn't relieve much pressure NOW, does it?

Get a job.

Lexxxy -

You are right, I neglected to list an option 4.

We have thrown around ideas of how I can work from home, but the overall problem is not finances NOW - it is lifelong, potential dissatisfaction and loss of drive in my BH's life that I'm trying to combat. The ways in which BH and I have talked about addressing that revolve around his career. (This was true before D-day, as well, but obviously did not seem so pressing as now, post-A.)

His career provides very well for us now, and in order for him to leave that (at any time, now or in the future) with some reduced worry for the family's financial wellbeing, we have discussed the option of medical school for me. It is a career that provides well for the family, that I have already begun (even if only briefly), and that is there waiting for me right now.

Those are the reasons why we are even considering it an option. I'm trying to figure out how to balance all of it - JC for him, fulfillment and drive in life for him, how we want to raise our children, the importance of financial security.

or how about option 5

My wife is a SAHM

She works harder than I ever will!

If you go back to school/take a job..... He will now have the stress of doing even more work once he is home and YOU will be exhausted too....

Option 5; Become the best damn support system your H could ever dream of, while achieving an affair proof marriage in the process.

Mrs_V,
The first year of medical school is a breeze compared to the third year, fourth year, and minimum three years of residency training before one becomes employable. My H's first two years of medical school were the happiest years of our marriage, the times when we spent the most recreational and family time together. You are not talking financial assistance in three years, you are talking financial assistance in six years, during which your young children would have missed their mother most of their waking hours. And this applies to your H, too. It is a career that does not promote healthy families.

Not to mention, the debt that will accrue during med school!

Mrs. V,

I have to be honest here with what *I* read between the lines in this thread. I read that you want to go to med school and are using your H's career dissatisfaction as an excuse. Believe me if this is true (and you must be completely honest with yourself here) I can understand. Being a doctor would be a hugely satisfying career/accomplishment for anyone. However, as Chrysalis pointed out it is not family friendly for a woman with young children and a marriage in crisis. You would miss out on so much of your children's lives and there would be no JC for your H. I doubt your M would even survive med school, internship and residency.

I know that smb and marriedforever both are stay at home moms. I know that both of them consider it their job to do everything possible to protect the family finances by not using convenience foods, providing home cooked healthy meals for their families and raising good, solid young people. What better contribution to your M and the world than to raise good young people?

Spend some time researching things you can do at home without sacrificing your UA time and your family time and still save on your H's financial burden.

Mrs V,

I should think that being a SAHM is the BEST thing you could do for your marriage, and going back to work or medical school, the worst.

I would agree with the others.

How much has your H looked into how much more $ he would make with a PhD? My H has his Masters and so much continued education, that he is not far off from a PhD, but to actually get it would require a huge time sacrifice and it will NOT garner him a single dime more income. There are not many professions where that extra step or "title" gets you $ in return. Is it important for him to have this title to feel satisfied? Is he expecting more pay, more prestige, what is his actual goal?

Mrs V my daughter is doing medicine and though a bit different over here to you in the US I understand from her its roughly the same type of program and study in many ways....... In terms of the training period... it can take up to 12 years to progress within structured training - from studying medicine at undergraduate level to being appointed as a senior doctor (hospital consultant). GP status may be obtained in seven to nine years. I think she said it was a bit shorter in the US for a GP???? well anyway I'm sure you are aware of it.

After graduation from medical schools... doctors undertake what is seen as an 'apprenticeship' here. In simple terms... well DD was explaining it to me ... this means that you learn more about medical practice 'on the job' - whilst actually practising it within your level of competency... knowledge and skills. This is usually in the hospital or community setting. This 'apprenticeship' begins at the pre-registration intern grade and continues until you become a consultant or a general practitioner through further specialised training.

THATS a lot of time. I know its difficult for my DD also being married to a deployed soldier ... she has I suppose a lot of time available right now which is helpful...if she stops gallivanting around the globe.. another story ... but with kids.. family life... it needs a LOT of planning and maybe a longer term plan than a short few years plan.

Recovering from an affair being the FWW like myself means a whole load of COMMITMENT and though you may be trying to help your H.. really wanting to help... be aware it may be pushing him. Your H I suspect like mine needed to know first of all he was 'safe' in the M. That he and the family would not be crapped on again by me. That takes extraordinary actions by a FWW to always be open and talk through every option.

While he may not 'want' to stop your opportunity he will also not want to see you in the same sit where an affair became possible. It may be that short term career detour will help more right now .. you need to discuss and talk and do NOTHING without his enthusiastic support.

If he needs you to be a SAHM for now... perhaps there are options to do some study at home or attend lectures while kids in care or school etc. Maybe even another career all together? discuss... talk... come to agreement taking into account H.. kids... family etc

just don't jump into anything ...

all the best

AW

"I feel like me going back to medical school is giving HIM".....the anguish is she banging a new OM.

Doctor is not the only way to add to the families income.

As to how unhappy your BH is at his job he is lucky that he has a high paying job and someone is willing to hire him away with a big raise.

There are a lot of guy's out there wishing they had your BH's income. If he has to much money he can always give to those that are short.

You are still WW fogged trying to present this baoney about you going to med school. Presenting it as a sacrafice for your family and in three years you would continue to sacrifice by working and sending your BH to school.

I completely and totally resent this remark, TheRoad. I understand you post pretty bluntly, but to accuse me of being fogged out and telling my BH to be grateful for what he has and give some of his largess to those who have not is insulting and beyond unhelpful.

Can you really not understand the position he is in? Or do you just enjoy tearing other people down?

I'm pretty sure as the one who had the affair I am not allowed to call you out like this, on accusing someone of fogspeak - and perhaps if you had presented your opinion a bit more respectfully, I would not be so hot about it.

I like this option the best - #5!

Chrysalis - thanks for your experience. BH and I had already experienced how hard this is on families during my first year, and to hear you say that those years were some of the happiest ones... Well, it reminds me of just how much work it would be.

You're right. It does NOT promote healthy families. How many times on this board have we seen infidelity in those in the medical professions?

Ugh. You are right. Hooray for student loans, right? Right?

Faith -

Thank you for your candor, and the advice you give here. I realize that my bringing this up can be interpreted as a cover for what I want out - a demand couched in magnanimous terms towards my BH - and I make it a point each time BH and I talk about it to remind him that this is NOT something I want to do. However, just because I don't want it, does that mean we don't consider it? Why should he be the one to have to sacrifice?

So, while I understand how that can sound, I assure you that is not the case. In fact, my BH is the one who brought this up as an option. It is not something I secretly harbor any desire to do. Being a housewife and SAHM is much more fulfilling and much better for our family, I believe.

I just have this horrible feeling of INjustice about it, and that's what I'm trying to remedy. How is it fair to him - I get the life I always wanted (you know, minus the whole infidelity ), and he gets...what? His world shattered, no drive or zest for life anymore? Slogging away at work to let me live such a good life?