Brilliant advice!

LaLa,

SMB never said you had no right to post back then. More of an attempt to say the same thing that is said in the welcome statement;

... The purpose of this Forum is to help couples use those Basic Concepts to overcome marital conflicts and restore romantic love.

Many of our members have been in shoes similar if not the same as yours. They begin by asking questions and, with the help of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts, other members point them in a direction that will solve their problem. After their problem is solved, they often stay on to help new members with their own experience, perspective, and opinion.

SMB and I always knew that you had never worked much of the MB Program. You are what we in the AA Program call a 90 day wonder. These 90 day wonders learn the word speak of the AA program but never work a single step beyond the first one. They brilliantly sit in meetings and tell others how to work the program, all the while never practicing these principles in their own lives.

As SMB said; Time for you to be a student of the program.




P.S. I hope you know, You do NOT deserve another chance to get it right. You never deserved the first chance! (Neither did I)

Without true remorse on the part of the WS, the BS will NEVER really "get over" the affair.

And, you know what, LaLa? why would a WS WANT to recover with a BS who is so easily able to "get over it"? If W2S was able to so easily "get over" your affair, wouldn't you think, in the back of your mind, "Hmmmph, he must not care all that much about me!"? How WOULD you really feel if W2S just said, "OK. So you had an affair. So what? What are we having for dinner?"?

My WS has been faithful for the past 10 years, but he still has a wayward mindset, and has NEVER showm me true remorse.

He has actually said to me, shortly after he finally confessed to ONE of his flings:

"I will not be punished."

In response to my asking him to do things to help me recover, his response was:

"I'm not going to kiss your @$$."

Well, I don't want him to kiss my @$$, but given the hurt that he inflicted on me with the years of cheating and gaslighting, it would be nice to know that he would be WILLING to do so
That said, he HAS done what HE thinks he needs to do, and some of those things are what I need, usually after we have a major conflict.

The thing is...I don't WANT to have to have a major conflict with him to get him to protect our marriage.

I think that you are looking at giving up your music as punishment, which is NOT what JC is all about.

Lose the pride, LaLa.

So you have/had the money to buy weed and get high but you don't have the money to work on your marriage? Huh?


Once again, you have/had the time to smoke pot and get high but you don't have UA time for your husband?

Time to get your priorities straight.....

These were not rhetorical. I really do want answers to them.

You are looking for the lazy way out still, Lala.

Work on your list yourself. Then post it for feedback.

It's time to invest some energy and effort into your own recovery, which is what you avoided doing your first time around here with all your advice-giving posts.





Why am I not surprised that from all I wrote, this is what you bothered to comment about???



You still want admired for all your great words of wisdom you posted to others. I don't think so! You were a fraud, and I don't give admiration that is not deserved.



It's obvious you don't.




I'll challenge you on that, Lala. I don't think you were sincerely motivated by the desire to help.

Your postings allowed you to 1) receive admiration from the board, and 2) avoid helping the one person who needed you most.

Those are not the actions of a repentant FWS.






You claimed to be working MB, Lala.

But you were not and have not.

You were dishonest.

This reveals your heart.



You had other much more important tasks at hand and found an "admirable" way to avoid them.

So, no, I don't see it that way. I see it as cruel. You made yourself look like a shining star around here, which made it easy to gaslight W2S into thinking it's all HIS issues that your marriage is failing.



I know this isn't easy to swallow. But until you start looking at YOURSELF honestly, your family is doomed.

You had all the right words last time, but you never followed through with actions. What do we say around here about waywards like that??? They aren't for real!!!

If your repentance had been authentic, you would have been incapable of NOT protecting your husband.

Everything about you up to this point has been a fake. Isn't that exhausing? (that's not rhetorical either)

A few more questions:

Have YOU created an environment fertile for forgivenss?


Have YOU created an evironment fertile for romantic love?

SMB,

Just wanted to let you know that LaLa got very sick last night, so I'm not sure if she will be on today or not. She did spend the evening reading SAA. I'll let her know you posted. I didn't want you to think she was avoiding answering you. Thanks SMB!

Want2Stay

{{{{{{Lala & W2S}}}}

W2S,

Could you drop me an email when you get time. I might be a couple of days in answering since I am off work till Wednesday, but I have something to suggest that I want kept offline for now.

Mark

Wow SL. I was going to write the same kind of post but you beat me to it. Very well said. I think it describes all of us BS's who couldn't recover our marriages.

x

LaLa,

Please remember to approach these books like a "text book" intead of a novel. Lot's of highlighting, post it notes, notes in a spiral note books, etc. Also take the time to read and write out the answers to ALL of the questions at the end of each chapter.

Once you've read these books, go back and read, "Fall In Love, Stay In Love" every other month for the next two years plus. This is what I do. This is how I keep my screwy thinking from having a chance to rear it's ugly head again.

I have 20 years of marital habits to un-learn. Neither you nor I should ever think reading a book once will engrain the new ideas into our brains. Yanno!

Remember there IS a test after you read all these books and rewrite your EP's, etc.

The test will be to see if you will rest on your laurels or if you will push through to the upgrade that's available at that point.

That's it! I am having sexymamabear talk to my H!

BTW, get yourselves to a community church where all the other sinners gather. Allow yourselves the opportunity to let another older couple come along side you and begin to mentor you both.

Don't do the home church thing either. I say this as loving as possible.... neither of you have a spiritual walk strong enough to be on your own with this area of life.

Gdar, she would pack up his chit and have it setting outside, like she did mine! It was either get on board the MB boat or find my own little boat to row.

She is an amazing woman! And a beautiful wife!

This makes me so happy to see tst! I know you think that but just to see it over and over again always makes me smile. You know I love you both and you both amaze me. Without you I think GM would be long gone. I will never be able to repay you nor can I ever thank SMB enough for the lovely, supportive and understanding conversation we had that night after dinner.

OK enough with the thread jack but I just had to stick it in there, a smile like the smile I get when I read your quote is worth a million thread jacks!

BTW, I totally agree with you, she is amazing and beautiful!

LaLa, I agree with tst about finding a community church to attend. Be sure, though, that you choose a church that teaches what is actually in the Bible and not any of those New Agey ideas.

[x