I feel like I have a very complicated and unique set of circumstances and would like some opinions on how to proceed.

My wife have been married for 15 years with two young children (7 and 10).

Two years ago my wife graduated from nursing school. After working for only a few months she was sent home �ill� and eventually diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia. She hasn�t returned to work. She was in a fairly deep depression for the first year.

About a year ago (one year after her diagnosis) she started spending a lot of time on Facebook. She reconnected with a couple of old male friends from high school and began lying to me, chatting, texting and talking on the phone with them frequently. She basically had two emotional affairs that ended after I discovered this and eventually gave her an ultimatum (me or them).

During this time we did a lot of fighting, which led to an agreement to separate. My wife has been living in an apartment for the last six months.

While she seems to have ended contact with her first two EAs, she has continued to display �unfaithful� behavior. She has continued to find new men to text and talk on the phone with since moving out. I have no proof of anything more than phone and computer activity.

The phone usage seems to have finally stopped as of two months ago, but I am not able to see what she might be doing with her computer. When she visits the house, she spends hours upon hours on the computer and I have no idea what she�s doing. If I ask, she says she�s checking Facebook.

She has also distanced herself not only from me, but from our children, her family, and her old (married) friends. Her two best �new� friends are both single. She goes out once or twice to a bar that is around the corner from her apartment � usually staying out from around 10pm until 3am or closing time. She is open to me about when she goes and who she goes with.

My belief is that my wife is either addicted to her laptop and iPhone, or more likely is addicted to attention from other men. I honestly don�t think she�s having a classic affair, but her behavior is NOT acceptable.

Can I apply the Marriage Builders concepts methods to my situation? Where do I begin?

I would start here

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

Welcome to MB.

I do not understand. You want to recover the marriage? How about your wife? Is she done with the marriage. It seems that you both agreed to separate. If you want to save your M your wife has to agree to stop her computer addiction and you need evidence that she is not engaged in an A. YOu also need to ask her to move back in with you, plan A her and she has to stop her independent behavior, such as going to bars....
Lots to do...
blessing

I want to save the marriage. My wife says she wants to save the marriage and has been spending more time at home and less at her apartment.

Plan A usually involves cutting off contact with a specific other "person", correct? So are you suggesting that I treat her laptop and iPhone as that "other man?" and demand that she somehow prove to me that she isn't using them to carry on unfaithful activities?

So do I actually tell her that I need her to stop using her PC and Phone altogether and allow me total and complete access to them?

For some reason our marriage therapist has seemed to take my wife's side regarding her right to privacy.

After a year of dealing with this behavior, is it too late for Plan A?

i'm sorry you're here, What Can I Do--but on the other hand, this is definitely the right place for you to begin rebuilding your marriage. I don't know how familiar you are with MB principles, so here's a link to a summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts--
http://marriagebuilders.com/ca/to.cgi?l=pop6

i agree, your wife's behavior is very troubling--it sounds to me like she is heading for a full-blown affair if she isn't engaged in one already.

her "open-ness" about where she's going, who she's talking to, etc. sound like a means of both testing you and trying to elicit a response. pretty much ANY husband would object to what she's doing: buddying up to ex-boyfriends and random men on facebook?? no MA'AM! hanging around in bars with single friends? asking for trouble. that's where slimy men who live to undermine marriages hang out. there may as well be a Lonely Housewives night. here's the thing--your wife WANTS you to object, and if you state the obvious (see above), she's going to tell herself you're being controlling and jealous and not letting her have any fun. BUT if you continue to accept it without putting your foot down, she's going to tell herself that you don't care and that you're oblivious.

you're doing the right thing by monitoring her activity, checking phone records, etc--as more people reply to your post, you'll hear it referred to as "snooping", and you'll see it heartily ENCOURAGED. snooping has no negative connotation on this site. see it as your right, and in fact, your due diligence.

does your wife want to move back in? or is she deliberately distancing herself and trying out life as a single woman? do you WANT her to move back in?

if you two are working towards reconciliation and want to be happy TOGETHER in the same household, you need to let her know that her attention-seeking behavior needs to stop. if she were engaged in a physical affair, MB would call for a policy of complete NON-CONTACT with the other man--no texts, no visits, no calls, emails, status updates on facebook, no messages relayed through third parties, NOTHING. a clean break. in this case, assuming you're right and she is in fact just skirting the edge of an affair (or multiple affairs), it is totally fair for you to insist that she stop seeking male "friendship", however seemingly innocent. you'll be hearing lots about the importance of meeting one another's emotional needs and cultivating love, but until she stops her desperate flirtation, she's very unlikely to ALLOW you to meet her emotional needs. and until then, she's not likely to recommit herself to a loving and mutually satisfying marriage.

not to at all put the onus on you, here, but why do you think she's addicted to attention from OTHER men?
will she accept affection and attention from you?
would she before the separation?
has she responded favorably to any type of "olive branch' you've extended since the separation?
may i ask what you fought about?

hang in there--you'll get many replies from the real MB veterans pretty soon!

My theory about how we got here - I took on a lot of additional responsibilities with the kids and the house when she was in nursing school (2-4 years ago). She was gone a lot and working very hard towards getting her degree, so there was some distance created there. Then, when she became sick, I just carried on those same routines.

I think I've been there for her. I was there - went to many, many appointments - listened to her talk for hours about her condition, possible diagnosis, lab results, doctors visits, etc., etc. But I guess I wasn't giving her the type of attention that she is looking for now. She's found that attention on the internet. And there are guys out there who aren't married, don't have young kids, and maybe don't even have a job, who are more than happy to spend hours entertaining her.

And of course the longer this goes on, the harder it is for me to even want to meet her needs.

I have just started reading Surviving the Affair and I find it hard to apply. All I know right now is that my wife spends hours a day on the computer and I have no idea what she could be doing. I only have suspicions - based on everything else that's happened over the last year - but no real "proof" of how she's spending her time.

I'm sorry.

Let me also add that she generally responds positively to any efforts I make. Her sex drive is also higher than its been in years - she still comes to me for THAT need.

She says she wants to come home, but she is unwilling to make what I think are the necessary changes. I just talked on the phone with her and mentioned the amount of time she spent on the PC and how much I'd like to see what has her so "fascinated." Her response was that I need to just leave her alone and let her have her alone time. This is really hard given all of the lies that she has told me. I feel like she needs to begin to SHOW me that she isn't being unfaithful, but she is unwilling to do anything differently right now.

Put a keylogger on your home PC.

She's using "her" laptop, which she basically guards with her life.

Since we are separated, my options for spying are somewhat limited.

After the EAs I started keeping an eye on the cell phone bill. Texts and minutes started racking up - she said with girlfriends. One day I finally decided to call the 6 most frequent numbers - 4 were guys, 1 girl and one generic voice mail. That was about 6 months ago.

The calls and texting mostly stopped after that - with a few relapses since - but she's very guarded with her iPhone (very powerful little machines - so many ways to IM or message) and her laptop too.

"not to at all put the onus on you, here, but why do you think she's addicted to attention from OTHER men?"

They are helping her feel better; she has low self esteem; I can't go to work, take care of two kids, and then stay up late hanging out with her; plus, I'm sure its very exciting to sneak around like this

"will she accept affection and attention from you?" - yes, usually

"would she before the separation?" - yes - always acted like nothing was wrong before;

"has she responded favorably to any type of "olive branch' you've extended since the separation?" - yes

"may i ask what you fought about?" - mainly about her behaviors; she claims she's done very little wrong - that she should be able to talk to whoever she wants; that its OK to go out with single girlfriends until 3am; she's very concerned with her "freedom";

Tell me that you are not financially supporting her single life. If you are that's where you start. By cutting off her access to all your bank accounts and credit cards. If you don't....why should she stop? I mean she has the best of both worlds. No responsibilities and a cash cow that supports her fun.

sound advice. TheRoad does not play whatsoever.

also: PRE-PAID WIRELESS and 24-GYM MEMBERSHIPS ARE A CHEATER'S BEST FRIENDS.

We still have joint accounts. She has some income, but she would not be able to afford her current lifestyle without a decent amount of support from me.

Right now - if I can get my head wrapped around it - what I have in mind is one last ditch "Plan A" type effort with a timeline.

If I'm doing "Plan A" - do I really want to cut off financial support?

Well doh, the answer is pretty straight-forward, isn't it? If you want to save your M, don't fund choices that damage it. Indicated that you intend to contribute ONLY towards those bills that don't support a single life-style.

e.g. Who pays the rent on that apartment? She does, with her only money (not from the joint account!). Why? Keeping a separate apartment supports a single life-style.

sounds like she started enjoying her independence and her new career, having fun dealing with colleagues, feeling professional and important. all good things, if she appreciated your support around the house and viewed her new career as a TEAM endeavor--something she was able to pursue because of your willingness to pick up the slack at home, and something she can share with you.

it was kind of you to be there for her when she became ill. i know it's taxing to care for someone in that situation.

from what i've heard, this doesn't seem to be about you. i'll hypothesize that she hates feeling needy, and she hates that she's sick and had to give up her new, exciting career. so she's found a less healthy and less satisfying way to satisfy her need to feel important, needed, clever, fun, interesting.

she knows she's adequately CARED FOR, but it's hard to be the recipient of care and support for a long time and still feel exciting and attractive. after all, you've seen her at her worst and weakest, and she knows it--these little facebook buddies see only the facets of her personality that she wants to present, the best photos, the cleverest quips.

true facebook junkies always post stuff like "just got back from Cali, getting ready to grill bacon-wrapped oysters, then hitting the trail for my evening 30-mile run to recover from jet-lag--gotta be back in time for gallery opening this eve! ciao!" in real life, that translates as "just opened new jar of peanut-butter, gonna eat it all! ciao!"

if you can stoop so far as to join facebook and be her friend, you can at least see what people are posting on her page.

The apartment - as with everything else - has become complicated.

Right now she is upset with me because I'm not ready to end the lease. I don't want her to come home permanently until I'm sure this will work. She says she wants to come home, but she will not commit to being open about her computer activities and she won't agree to stop going out.

RemainNameless - I tend to agree with you - I don't take this too personally. She isn't just pushing me away, but she's also skipping out on her responsibilities as a parent and is out of touch with her family and old friends.

I think shes simply gravitating towards things that make her feel good NOW with no regards to the long term consequences. So - if she can log onto Facebook and flirt online, thats a lot more fun than listening to me talk about homework, housework, or our marriage. And hell - I'm not even sure that's what she's actually doing!

Our marriage counselor says she believes my wife is still dealing with a difficult transition phase caused by her health problems - similar to a mid-life crisis.

But she's now had two years to "find herself" after her life was changed. The first year was spent being depressed and chasing a diagnosis. The last year has been spent trying to have fun. At some point she needs to find something to fill all of this time she has - something other than FB or whatever else she's doing.

Oh - and I am her friend on FB. Part of what drives me insane and furthers my suspicions is that she's frequently "typing" on her iPhone. If I ask what she's doing, she says "checking FB" - but her page really isn't all that busy. We have a lot of common friends - I don't see her post much on their pages. So I have no idea what she's typing.

Makes me think she's using the Chat feature, or using a secret E-mail account, Yahoo IM or something else.

Hi niceguy, welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry you are here. Unfortunately, you have recieved some very bad advice from this therapist. The therapist has encouraged you to be an enabler, which is why you find yourself in this dreadful situation. It will only get worse as time passes.

You are helping your wife destroy your marriage, when what she needs is someone to fight for the marriage and lead her out of her darkness.

I don't know if this can be saved, but your best chance is to stop enabling and start fighting for your marriage. Otherwise, your wife has no motivation stop her destructive behavior and come back.

Go listen to the links on this thread and then come back and lets talk: [especially link #2 here ] here

What a load of crap. Your wife is a wayward who is dealing with addictions, to the internet and to other men. Your MC is just wasting your time while your marriage goes down the toilet.

The truth, niceguy, is that your MC doesn't have the slightest idea what she is doing and is giving you horrendous advice. Your W is addicted to the internet and is having an affair. She is not doing that because of her health or a "MLC," that is just an excuse to avoid taking steps to save your marriage.

Marriage counselors have an 84% failure rate and actually have a higher personal divorce rate than the general population.

Absolutely. You should NOT be using family money to finance her destructive, adulterous lifestyle.

niceguy, you have been an enabler to a shocking degree, my friend. You have been driving the alcoholic to the bar and paying for her drinks and then complaining that she is a drunk.

That has to change if you want to have any hope of saving your marriage.