I think that you need to spend more time having a relationship and less time reading and talking about one. What do you have planned for date night tonight? If your spirit needs some nourishment, maybe go to church or a women's bible study? (Doing instead of reading). I like to read too. But, you can get too much conflicting advice and end up more confused. I think you already know what you should be doing. It is just very hard to do the work. I think you know what your part is in this and you say that you want to be able to say that you did everything possible to improve/save your marriage. That requires DOING, not reading or discussions. Have a great weekend.

Thank you SS2

Just a quickie:

We did have a good weekend-we were productive in our camera purchasing and phone purchasing. We had a great evening with friend and kept pretty much united. Despite DDs vile mood (can't blame her- she's got a tooth infection).

Her vileness would usually have driven us apart but J managed to temper his annoyance with patience and sympathy.

I also forgot to mention that he barely raised an eyebrow when he discovered that I washed his phone last week - I think it was the 1200rpm that finished it off rather than the water.

But.... can you believe it? I was not made to feel stupid or yelled at or anything, anything at all. I'm quite sure that there are not many wives out there who could confess to such an error without some sort of comment. (The phone was in my skirt pocket).



I have been invited to play 1st trum back with the other band (band FOM was in). It appears he has gone, but I need to check the detail.

Need to weigh up the pros and cons. This band would be significantly less time commitment - 1 concert a term, and 1 1/2 hour rehearsal a week as opposed to ~1 or 2 gis a month and 2 1/2 hours a week rehearsal..

Old band suits my style better, but Iodn't enjoy the music so much.

J prefers current music and the fact that he can take part more by coming to more gigs.

The time thing is swinging it a bit for me, but a great opportunity for POJA.

Other thing to consider and really work out is would Musical Director ban FOM if I returned.

We've been good this weekend. I have started reading 2 of the books but I am doing too. And some parts of the books are practical and Church is still such a no no.

....oh and no R talk, except just now to say how good things have gone

I would die if my phone got washed. I love my phone.

Your post made me smile.

I do love my phone. My wife says I'm just a phone person. My contract is up for renewal but since the new phone I want won't be done field testing and tweaked for a month, I'll have to wait until Aug/Sept before I get it.

My phone has so much I do on it...I can mass text all my athletes at one time, return emails immediately, has GPS, change themes (the overall look), MP3 player, weather relayer, etc. I've done homework on it using microsoft word, budgeting through excel, update facebook, record music, has museum-restaurant-bar-attraction locaters, etc.

-sigh-

He has a new phone and my mine has been fixed (did I say the dog ate mine or the 2nd time?)

We went on a date tonight!!!

My DD complained that since daddy stopped working shifts they never have babysitters!!
So I told mum how much DD wanted her to babysit and got her to come round this evening.

So we had a lovely stroll across the meadows into town and had a meal. Discussed his job lots and discussed which band was best.

Despite the time commitment he would prefer me to play in the Big Band because he enjoys the music more and can be more part of it.

So it does aid conversation cos we can talk about gigs and he feels a part of one of my hobbies.

I'm quite OK with that, but I am very very aware that the other band would give me more time with J (thing is would we use that time effectively). And I have the musical directors assurance that if I say I will return FOM will not be allowed back in.

I've had a good look at our monthly incomings and outgoings to make sure that we can afford spain and a towbar for the caravan and maybe the MB course.

But I am just hung on the course because of the very strange undercurrent that is hanging around the boards at the mo.

Congrats, ST, on the lovely date (sounds like it was to me).

The next time you hear J say what you can't afford...Spain, potential disasters, pretending...will you commit to yourself to say,

"I'm hearing you share with me your fears; like you're telling me what you're most of afraid of right now."

Because I think you are each other's safe harbor. Which is why when you hurt each other it hurts extra. I think some of the conflict you both experience is feeling the spouse's feelings, a contagion, instead of hearing the sharing going on.

You guys seem to share really well...when you both know you're not asking the other to fix your feelings...just know them. And your thoughts...not to change them.

And you're a reality checker, ST...your assurances will not make him not fear...and I think your hidden expectation is that he shouldn't fear because you make sure...and he can fear anyway...at times. Ask to know, not to fix. Be sure of yourself...know how much you do (like MB and books) to make sure you know more...and know and share your own fears.

Doesn't make the fears become reality.

Admire yourself for actions...your plan...what you hold yourself to...for taking the time, choosing to enjoy him and allow him to enjoy you.

Kudos.

LA

Esplain to me. I don't quite get whatcha mean.

Thank you LA.

Another 4 days and we still haven't gone back -despite a full day apart on Saturday... and we even kissed last night.

And I think this is the first time in 1.5 years when we've had sex and are still talking to each other for the full week afterwards.


And we did have a falling out Saturday morning- I disagreed with the way he handled situation with DD waking too early and not going back to sleep- I felt that she got her own way for causing a scene - I couldn't put any sanctions on her, as I was going out for the day so asked J to make the decisions.

Although we were mad at each other (even though he was still obviously annoyed at me 1/2 hour later when he came back from the dog walk) I didn't drop my head and sulk and ignore him til I came back. I took it to him and made some suggestions as to how we could move forward with her and we had a chat about it and his defensive guard drop and we came up with a plan to make sure she gets enough sleep for the last few weeks of term.

My day out: I was playing at a Jazz festival in a little seaside town. Weather was gorgeous, chips on the beach for lunch and cider, sat on the harbour in the evening. Played on the same stage as Kenny Ball had played on the night before and one of our regular trombonists was playing with him. In the program, all the bands (mosty trad jazz and dixieland) were average age 70+ and not one female among the instrumentalists!!!!!! (7 out of 17 in the band we put out, not usually that many). We were an experiment for the festival - I think it was the first time they'd had a full Big Band. Had a bigger audience than a lot of the other bands.

Sounds like a nice night. Did you have all that fun alone?

No. I left at 9am with a female friend in the band (we usually lift share) - she used to play volleyball with J - retired a couple of years ago. So I spent all day with her. In the evening we were joined by our male vocalist.

It is a shame that you weren't able to have that much fun with J around. I know that you were due for some pure fun without any worrying about the relationship. Does J ever like to go to these functions with you or do they trigger him too much?

Just thinking about the principle of having the "most fun" with your spouse to reinforce the positive associations.

Yay, ST!


What a great choice. And kudos to J because he chose to drop his defensiveness, too. Rebuilding his faith in you and you in him, takes time and a lot of new choices.

How did you feel about changing your response?

Be sure to see J's different choices, too...both matter equally. You are both fragile and strong. You already know you both have the ability to tear each other up, inflict pain...I think you both will re-discover how much your response builds each other up, through radical honesty, rebuilds your trust in yourself and faith in each other...

to disagree and work through to understanding, acceptance, and come out with a plan. POJA with love.



Hurrah! (Or HUZZAH! from my time at the Renaissance Festival this past weekend. No Big Band music...(I'm a huge fan of Big Band, too)...but we did get to hear the theme to Star Wars on bagpipes. Woot.

LA

I know, I know. I so wanted him to come but it conflicted with a volleyball tournament and so he said no from early on. iN the end, he didn't really do much for the vball cos he had the kids and the dog. This is exactly the opportunity I want to be able to share with him

and as I was gazing over the harbour at the cliffs beyond, I was quite emotional and so sad that he couldn't/wouldn't come and share the day with me.


Let's make this clear - I certainly don't resent him for not coming - it was just sort of careless and unfortunate planning in the end.


I sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo wish we had more opportunities like that to share together and I soooooooooooooooooooooooo wish that we'd been able to take advantage of this one.

It is a choice to be together.

While he was out dog walking and I knew we both had a slight cool of time, I was racking my brain hard to come up with a possible solution. My initial feeling at how easy it was to come up with a diferent way of doing things was surprise. I was surprised at how easy it was to change my behaviour.



I don't think I made a point to him of me recognising his diferent choices - I think I was just taken aback at how easy it was.


This is what it is about. Expecting the best reaction form each other - rather than filling our heads with DJs, expecting the worse.


sounds fun!! Star Wars on Bagpipes?? eeeekkk - I'm not so sure about that. I wonder if I can find such a performance on youtube - maybe not now, don't want to give the kids nightmares.

Hmmm.....

hmmmmmm, what?