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 Guilty as charged. My thread was nothing BUT airing of dirty laundry for days on end until I started to work things out. *never mind, I was going to justify but D'oh! Signed, Perfect Spouse Yup. That is me. I KNOW I have to knock it off. (Here come the but), BUT! I.am.lonely. I [censored] to my best friend about how miserable I am. It feels nice to have someone give me a hug and tell me it will be ok. I know I have a long way to go to clean up my side of the street. I know this. Today was supposed to be *the* day and then it changed, and I am not happy about it.
BS: 37
FWH: 37
EA: 2 months, ending June 08
Married 7 years
4 kids (2 together)
Hoping for a Recovery
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
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Interesting about the conflict avoiders are daughters of alcoholics. *Raises hand*.
My dad was the biggest conflict avoider I have ever met. He was a workaholic and an alcoholic, so he worked all day, then went to the bar most nights after work. My mom spent her entire 20some year marriage to him terribly neglected. Nothing worked. He refused counseling, he was happy with how things were, so what was HER problem. Terrible. I grew up thinking my mom was an over emotional nag because she was the one speaking up, raising her voice, crying, begging, pleading and my dad never said anything in response. Then it would be silent in my house for 2 solid months, neither speaking to the other. Then they would make up, it would be great for a couple of weeks, then back to the yelling, the silent treatment, etc... I always thought my dad was the "right" one because he never yelled at my mom, never engaged. It was not until I was 20 that I figured it out, when I met my ex H. I knew I did NOT want a M like they had. A H that ignored the W, a W that yells to get her way.
I do not yell. Since I viewed my dad as the stable one, I took on his traits, not my moms. Conflict avoidance and withdrawal were my ways of coping. It did not work out well for me, being that my ex H and I divorced, and I put all of the blame on him. I ended up just like my father. Blech.
Insert H now and he is just like my father. Karma? No  not karma. That's a cop out. "karma" implies that you had no choice and no control over YOUR choice of whom to marry .... Dig deeper. You can do better than this when it comes to self examination.
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Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 989
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I was not being literal. What comes around does go around, however, and I have made enough mistakes in my life to see it come full circle when I make stupid choices, that is what I meant.
This is really, really hard. The most difficult thing I have ever done in my entire life. Being married to this man is work, and I promised myself that I would put a lot of work into it, because I did not want to make the mistake I made before - putting no work into it. Assuming if it wasn't easy, I would let it go. And I did. I won't do that this time, and I struggle every day with the fear (thank you for the link to the Fear post). I feel I did the "be naked" bit with my H early on, only to get put down and have the choices I made in the past thrown in my face and my H has this sense of how I would be "nothing special" without him. Like he saved me. I did not NEED saving. I was being up front and honest about the path I took that led me to my previous divorce and being a single mom. It wasn't pretty, but I felt he needed to know. I gave my power to him to make me feel bad about it. I think that is a huge part of why I feel the way I do in my M, by some things that transpired early on that I ignored and enabled.
BS: 37
FWH: 37
EA: 2 months, ending June 08
Married 7 years
4 kids (2 together)
Hoping for a Recovery
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Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 2,455
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Posts: 2,455 |
Hi Pepper, would love to complain to my spouse about my spouse but he is "being held captive by the POSOW".
I do agree even in the worst case as mine XXXXX-H, I mostly do all of my left over venting on this board (does that count as complaining -- can't I compare it to if I get up in the middle of the night and am hungry and eat a piece of chocolate in the dark it doesn't count because I can't see it???)
Recently made changes in my real world though. I try not to disrespect my X to co-workers or family anymore. I say "I feel sorry for the great life he is missing with us". Maybe he doesn't know about it but it does give me some additional peace.
Well time to go eat a cookie
Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09
Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Somehow that did not work on me!  Au contraire oh please, I have ZERO conflict avoider in me.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Interesting about the conflict avoiders are daughters of alcoholics. *Raises hand*. Sure, some adopt those conflict avoider tendencies, but many others do not. If you go to an ACOA meeting you will find many that do not live the lives of conflict avoiders because they have seen how damaging and destructive those traits are. They don't live the dysfunctional lives of their parents where they ignore the elephant in the living room. Rather, they use their upbringing as a lesson of what NOT TO DO, as I did. I am the complete mirror opposite of my parents in every way: conflict avoiding moral relativism political correctness atheists
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 430
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I have learned a lot from everyone here and the main is not to hold it in but to let my H know how I feel. And boy does he know how I feel about everything. Especially when he goofs. I actually feel better now because I don't let it fester inside of me. He never has to figure out what I am thinking or how I feel. And I ask him at least once a week how he feels and thinks if I don't hear anything from him.
Still hoping and praying.
BW-me 47yrs
WH-him 50yrs
married 24yrs, together 25 yrs,DD 25yrs, DD 22yrs(granddaughter born 3/14/2012).
D-Day#1 discovered cell phone calls 6/30/2009
D-Day#2 7/26/2009
Plan D 06/2012/WH served 8/17/12
WH left 7/25/2009/WH moved in with OW 7/29/2009
Trying to reconcile 12/30/2009/left 10/22/2010
2nd OW 8/2011? and living in Idaho.
"Dochas" Gaelic for hope which I have with me at all times because it is tattooed on my lower back.
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Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
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I married the King of Conflict Avoiders (not a complaint). I was raised the exact opposite. My dad was a bulldog and was never afraid to tackle a problem head on and taught me the same. So, for many years of our marriage, I was the problem solver, fixer-upper, rescuer, (enabler) and made sure that everybody knew it. I was also a MAJOR complainer of HIS faults to others. Huge, huge MISTAKE that I only RECENTLY understood.
This caused many years of trouble in our marriage until we both finally got it. He now has no problem calling it like he sees it and addressing people and problems directly when needed. But more importantly, I've learned to let him! I never realized how degrading it was for a man to have a wife like me, when I thought for so long I was being a GOOD wife, taking care of business.
Now, despite any faults (his or mine) they are ours to share alone and work out together.
We are both now free (and safe) to come to the other with any complaints about the other.
I am now free to be a loving wife and He is now free to be My Hero!! We're not perfect by any means, but now we have the tools to work towards perfection.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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