I don't think I have ever posted to you but I am sorry this is where you find yourself.

If Rizos is lovebusting you (IB), not doing a great job at meeting your ENs...in combination with being triggered by seeing OM and being in that first year of recovery, it's kinda easy for me to understand how you could be feeling hopeless about the M.

Recovery has not been smooth for me. My H has slipped into bad habits the further we get into R and has had struggles w/AOs and dishonesty. Accountability and being told by a third party (Steve H and talking directly to Dr H) in addition to being told by me that I am feeling pretty hopeless about the M seems to be reaching him...finally... Unfortunately some people are harder to reach than others LOL but it doesn't mean things can't turn around for your M.

I guess I am urging you to stick with it a little bit more, especially given that Rizos sounds committed to stopping the lovebusters and meeting your ENs and she's got Mel guiding her, I really think you could feel a world of difference in a relatively short period of time...especially since you are finally getting POSOM out of the picture.

Hang in there!

el c
I see you reaching the end of your rope.

Why?

Because WW's affair never ended till now.

Why?

No NC for you as well. Every day you had to see the OM. Forced to sell out your business in a one sided deal.

Get on that plane and give your WW and kids a chance. Recovery was never going to happen until all ties with the OM were cut an NC in place.

I couldn't have said it better myself. Give YOU another chance too. Your kids deserve for you to try a little longer. What would all of this time have been about if you were gonna throw in the towel now? Hang on a bit longer please.

It's been a little over a year since d-day.� The hardest time of my life without a doubt (and I am sure being through a lot of crap in life).

I have pondered the timing of my decision.� It sucks because just a week ago I thought that a fresh start was just around the corner.�

So it didn't cross my mind that I'd find myself taking this direction now after so much.� We actually rented our house here in PR and found a place in VA in a nice neighborhood and a great school for DDs.� My job search in the area was going really well.� I had two very good job� interviews lined up for this week and several other opportunities on the table. So I also ask myself why can I just sock it up and keep trying. It's hard to explain. All I know is that I just had it.

Can I continue trying to R?� Maybe yes.� But it looks like boderline suicide going in that direction.� The IB issue hasn't got much better and I no longer tolerate the pain it brings. I took too much of it recently and it put me beyond the threshold.

If there's ever a good moment to split, this may be it.� Moving to another state seems very risky for my personal recovery hopes and difficult to undo.� I am not convinced that relocation alone is going to solve our problems.� Yes, it could get me away from a lot of negativity and that may help but the IB and reluctance to use the POJA is still going to follow us. There's too much of it to overcome in a reasonable time frame.� I'm just not willing to compromise anymore.

I don't want to keep investing in plans together cause the way things are it's very likely that I'll soon end up all beat up again. I can tell that this is not like other times�I felt down during this process. This time I lost ALL hope.

I am aware that divorce is not something to be throwing around lightly. I am going into it knowing the sad repercussions. So I'm really broken. I hear your urges. Can't help to feel awful about quitting but at this point is about personal survival. I don't have it anymore.

The girls are staying with me today at a resort. That's helping to keep me together.

Thanks you all for been there.

--ElCamino72

Hi ElC,

I don't recall the family you have in PR, but what is left for you there? Your girls will be in VA and you a couple of potential jobs. You can always return to PR later but what is there for you now...besides OM and triggers?

Sorry for your pain. I think you have given all you have to give. You have been following the MB program and talking to Dr Harley and Steve.

Your M has had the best chance I've seen here in a while. But unfortunately your WW just doesn't get it! She had all the MB support available to her and she has refused to follow it.

SHE had the A. She has ruined your lives. Let her deal with the consequences, and you focus on your own recovery.

After that who knows.....

The questions I have for you are, what is your next step? What is your plan? What are you going to do next? Where are you going to live? Can you stay in PR and have your DDs living a life without you in VA?

Chances are that we'll soon end up back here anyways so relocation seems like wasting more time and money. Also the idea of doing anything together with Rizos feels counterproductive.

I do not agree with the girls moving to VA.

There isn't much of a plan yet since I wasn't preparing for this.

--ElCamino72

Then why not take it one step at a time and go ahead with the plan you already had in place. Seriously, what do you have to lose at this point?

You have ONE plan right now, and that is the move to VA. you struggled to get past the feelings from this move. You did a lot of work. Just a little push over the hump.

From the stolen words of Steve, "What would your ideal sitch be? For you to be happily married to the mother of your children?" How can you make that a possibility? I know it looks bleak right now, Rizos has made some headroom. WSs seem to take a lot longer to "get" MB. Maybe Rizos will be ready to start picking up the ball on the recovery stuff. Give her a chance. You have come so far.

I've received a few messages from Rizos in the last couple of days.� I also just read some of her recent posts.� Maybe it's just me because I have skin in the game but I find it uhm... amusing.

So you ask� "what do you have to lose?"� Right now all I have left is my self respect.� Can't let that be taken away from me.

The plan failed so it makes no sense to continue. BTW, I strongly disagree with letting Rizos take my daughters away to VA.

--ElCamino72

I just read through your thread and first off do not listen to "My Family"...OMG talk about someone who is just NEGATIVE.

ELC, you do not need anything negative right now.

That being said. I have read so much on this site, and I also am a BS, just one year out from DD as well. Its weird because I read what Melody said about the 9 month mark and that mark may or may not hit everyone at the same time, but I also hit it a couple months ago. I was so upset because I thought I was doing so well and anger set in and depression and questions. Just like you.

I stuck it out and I'm better now and I know you will be too. Do not let Satan win and destroy another family...PLEASE!!! You have your DD's to think of and you owe it to them who you choose to bring into this world to try EVERYTHING to make this marriage work and I do not believe you have. Not EVERYTHING.

Go to VA try a change of location, if after a year or 2,,,,yes I said a year or 2 and both of you truly doing the MB way 100% it is not working OK, then do whatever.

I am so happy I stayed and fought for my marriage, can't say I was always in that mind set. I wake up every morning and look over at my sleeping husband and thank God he is there.

After reading your posts you are an intelligent man, I think you are going to be OK. Be strong, give your DD's a great example of what they will one day look for in their H's. I will be praying for you all!!!

HU

ElC, I wasn't suggesting that Rizos take your children away from you. I was hoping that you would go WITH them. WITH YOUR CHILDREN. You don't have a plan. I was suggesting that you go along with the plan.

Lemme put it to you this way. When were you supposed to leave to go to VA? You have no house right now right? The house you have is IN VA. Your children need a place to live. They need some stability in their life right now. I didn't imply that you need to live with Rizos BUT you should get outta PR for a while. there are too many triggers for you there. Many people warned you that this might happen with the constant dealings with OM.

Seriously, what are you going to do? Where are your children going to sleep at night? Where are they going to call HOME?

There are a lot of things you are dealing with all at once and I know that you see Rizos as the cause of the destruction of your life. You have had to give up so much and I am in NO WAY suggesting that you give up your children too. What are you going to do? Get a plan in place. If you really are going to D Rizos, that is your choice. I see some posters suggesting that there is a chance that you could change your mind. There is a chance that you COULD recover your marriage. Wouldn't THAT be in the best interest of your children? Could you give it a try in a new place? Could you remove yourself from all things to deal with the A and see if you really CAN get your marriage back?

Work the whole MB plan and see where it takes you. Could it be possible that one day, you would look back at THIS CHOICE and say, "What if?" Would you be able to love with that choice? Will you be able to look into your daughter's faces and be able to tell them, truthfully that you did EVERYTHING POSSIBLE? Not asking you to give the word, just some more time.

Do yourself and your wife a favor. Create a list of EVERYTHING it would take for you to stay married. Kind of like plan B conditions. A lot of times talking about this stuff stirs up too many emotions and nothing gets communicated very well. Put these requests in like a contract form that you can point out if the contract is being breached. If you have completely laid it out and the contract continues to be broken, then you can feel free to move on and Rizos would have nothing to complain about because she agreed to the contract.

It makes no sense to for me to continue supporting a cruel relationship.� Moving to VA would be like approving the wrongdoings of a person who clearly still feels entitled to continue her selfish behavior and has little empathy. I paid dearly for my mistakes and have been humbled by the loss. I realize the cost to save my M is more than I had to give. My mind is only thinking about removing myself ASAP from this mess at all cost.

--ElCamino72

What about your children?

I can't grieve enough the long term effects that this desicion is going to have on the girls. I've been terrified all along about the prospects of my DDs growing up in a broken home. But I can't let that stop me from taking a stand for what is right. What kind of example would I make for them if I settle for an abusive relationship?

--ElCamino72

I think your girls would rather come from a broken home than have a broken father.

I know this is a marriage-building site, but reading the posts from Rizos, my take is that she really does not understand what part she played in the outcome of all of this, the blame shifting still continues.

Affairs have a trickle affect that are far reaching and Rizos' posts comes across of her putting herself first and not trying to understand where your pain is coming from.

Sorry that you feel this is your only option ElC.

No reason for him not to be with his children. Why should he have to lose daily access to his children because he's no longer willing to work with a LB'ing unfaithful wife?

She can demonstrate if she's really about recovering her marriage, which may mean understanding the damage she's done and accepting that one of the natural consequences is that he doesn't want her to be part of the family unit at this point in time.

I don't think he's said he doesn't want to have a family with his children. He's simply saying he doesn't want to be with her. Nothing in that indicates that he wants to abandon his children. He simply no longer sees his wife as a member of the team.

So why should he lose daily access to his children?

I think you missed my point or I made it badly. I'm saying if you're giving up on this marriage (which is understandable) please don't give up on your girls. What is stopping you from taking them with YOU wherever you decide to end up? I think you're the better parent right now because clearly Rizzos is in "me me me" mode and that can't be good for your girls. They deserve better.

I haven't been here in a while. Rizos told me about the developments of a particular thread here so I decided to take a look and write a quick update.

It's hard to believe that it's been over 2 years since DDay. Rizos and I still live together but there isn't a whole lot of hope in R and it doesn't look like it's going to change any time soon. So there isn't anything special to report there.

I still occasionally think about the nasty consequences the A brought to my live. Those thoughts make me angry but I've learned to harness those feelings to fuel my confidence - I know I'm strong enough to make it through the toughest times.

During the A tribulations, I used to repeat to myself the all too common mantra of the recent BS: "do not have expectations". Over time, I've changed it to "expect the worse from other people and the best from myself". That seems to be working a whole lot better.

Anyways, we moved to the US and so far I'm really happy with the area. Our DDs seem to be thriving and doing really well in school. I recently started a new company and secured a pretty nice contract with a very prestigious agency. The business potential here looks really positive.

Just wanted to say hello and thank all the good MB folks who supported me during difficult times.

--ElCamino72