You need to stay calm, and do not overreact, that is what he is waiting for...all more the reason why he left, so don't do it!

Second thing you need to do is no relationship talk or recovery talk, if he wants to start up the conversation tell him that right now is not the best time to talk about this. And change the subject.

Meet his needs, be the best wife you can even though he doesn't live at home, reply to his text in a positive way.

Smile, even though you just want to cry.

Right now the only thing can do is "fake it, till you make it"

You need to be in a plan, not plan doormat, it wont work, and he will never come back.

Start working your plan A like...yesterday, and stay in plan A with no LB, AO, etc for at least 4-6 weeks. Once you have made a solid plan A and he hasn't changed his mind to fix the marriage, then go straight into a dark plan B.

If you are having troubles with your emotions then I suggest you see your doc for a medication that will calm your nerves, this is probably one of the hardest things anyone can endure, and if you think you can't do a plan A because of your emotions I suggest you do something about it.

I promise you he wont be coming back if you don't have a plan and you are just "waiting" to see if he changes...I have some bad news for that...he will never change until he realizes what he is losing. So plan A is very important, we all know you can do this cami a lot of people are in the same situation and they are doing wonderful in plan A, even though it is very hard.

You see you have the upper hand here, you have a plan, your WH DOESN'T! You know that plan A and plan B wont last for ever, but you do know if you don't have a plan, then what ever plan you are in (plan doormat) WILL last forever.

My husband was in plan A for 2 months while I flaunted my EA right in his face, when he went to plan B, I was devastated, I knew what I was going to miss. But in order for your husband to know you have to do a stellar job on plan A.

GOOD LUCK!

[quote=SapphireReturns]You need to stay calm, and do not overreact, that is what he is waiting for...all more the reason why he left, so don't do it!

Second thing you need to do is no relationship talk or recovery talk, if he wants to start up the conversation tell him that right now is not the best time to talk about this. And change the subject.

Meet his needs, be the best wife you can even though he doesn't live at home, reply to his text in a positive way.

I have been doing this one actually and doing very well at hit. I think that comes mostly from being so glad to hear from him when I do answer him. That is helping me more than he thinks or knows. LOL. Guess that is okay though as long as I don't tell him that right?



Smile, even though you just want to cry.

Right now the only thing can do is "fake it, till you make it"

YEPPERS! I have done very well with not letting him see me cry. I have teared up a few times, when we have been together but he hasn't seen me actually cry for a long time! Like since he first left. I have just been calm and talked to him like a normal person would.



You need to be in a plan, not plan doormat, it wont work, and he will never come back.

Start working your plan A like...yesterday, and stay in plan A with no LB, AO, etc for at least 4-6 weeks. Once you have made a solid plan A and he hasn't changed his mind to fix the marriage, then go straight into a dark plan B.


I am working it. To the best of my ability, but I am still improving what I know and how to do those things. I ALWAYS make sure I'm dressed nice and have all my makeup on and hair looking good when I see him. I ALWAYS listen intently to everything he says when we do talk and I am attempting to meet his emotional needs too even though that is very hard since he is not here with me at night. But I try. I listen and commiserate, like right now he has a cold and is miserable. I told him that I was sorry he was feeling badly and asked if there was anything I could do. I think it took him by surprise because he said, I could really use my medicine but can't come out there...well, I took it to him that day when he said that. I figured he needed it and I didn't have anything else to do. Then I told him to feel better and just left. Didn't stay to talk or whathaveyou, so no pressure on him, just helped him out.



If you are having troubles with your emotions then I suggest you see your doc for a medication that will calm your nerves, this is probably one of the hardest things anyone can endure, and if you think you can't do a plan A because of your emotions I suggest you do something about it.

I am now on prozac and she has spent the past 5 weeks regulating it. She finally just doubled it last week and I am starting to feel better and more able to concentrate. I don't cry as much either and am able to function for a good portion of the day. That will help I think.

I was just reviewing my journal. I found this interesting. I put this long entry in just two days ago. And now that I re=look at it, I am figuring out that I'm not as crazy as I thought I was...I may actually be on the right track here. What do ya'all think??

***
I am not trying to make H uncomfortable, I am telling him what I want and need. I am being 100% honest with him, I am giving him 100% of my attention when I am with him in person, phone, text or chat. I am recognizing his faults too and point them out in a nice manner. I am making changes that I feel are good for me. I am trying to figure out a future though I have not done so yet. I am starting to want to go out and be with friends (GAL). I am telling him things that I never dreamed possible and disussing rather than fighting. I am, for instance, getting pretty angry that he lied to me about OW, that he hid things from me for months and that everything is now his way or no way. Well, I have feelings, wants, desires and needds too and he needs to recognize that. But he must do it on his own. I am also going dim. I will not call, text, email etc him unless absolutely necessary. I will answer his periodically but will not talk about OW. I will deal with what must be done and no more, but be friendly throughout.

I will make decisions solely for me and not worry about what he thinks.

I have already told him that he is not welcome here unless I know and say it's okay.

I will talk to the executress of the estate and attempt to sell this house and downsize which is something we had talked about for months anyway, so I am just going to do that. I WANT to do that, so I AM.

I will check at university and see about what I need to do in order to finish my degrees and see if it is a fiesable option at this time.

I will learn to quit torturing myself. He lied to me and hid things from me for months now. I wasn't the only one at fault. My lie was the SAME ONE the whole time, he has done worse and hidden more from me than I ever did him. I will not take all the blame here. But will share it.

I will not go quietly into this divorce without fighting for my H and M. I love him and it would be a betrayal of ME if I did that. I will NOT betray myself!

I will continue to do the little, spontaneous things. They are fun, I like to make people smile. It makes me feel good to do this.

I will keep my house clean cause I like it better this way. I still despise the house and town, but clean it is better by a long shot.

I will work on my compassionate, caring, nurturing side to improve my worth as a person. To be the best me I can be.

I will diligently search for a new job. Something stable where there is room to grow and where I can be appreciated. This will also enable me to pay my bills and maintain.

I will continue to lose weight. I am at 276lbs, I want to be at 175 and healthieer. I will continue to diet, work out and walk toward this goal. I will also quit smoking finally. It is best for me and my health.

I am done being the doormat here. I will not accept all blame, I will not just do what makes someone else happy. I will live for ME and do what I feel is right along the away. Hopefully they will agree with me, but I don't know and don't have the energy to care at this point.

I will adhere to the DB advice and see what happens. If nothing else, I will learn bout myself along the way and be better off for it.

I will work to achieve serenity, wisdom and courage. I will ask God's help to achieve ll of my goals and I will listen so that when God tells me or shows me somethhing I will hear Him and know because I can Achieve all things through God who strengthens me.

Also, another question. I guess I'm just full of them right now.

Some of the things that have been said over the past few weeks lead me to believe that this may be some type of mid life crisis as well. For instance:

"I feel like a teenager"

"I want to get younger!"

"I feel alive and young and vibrant"

"I feel like I'm wanted and loved and needed, even though she could beat the crap out of me"

"I don't want to have that piece of paper because it feels like you and that piece of paper (Marriage liscence) control me"

"I want to be able to go where I want, when I want, do what I want"

"you used to be spontaneous and fun, now you are predictable. I want that spontanaity"

"I want someone who is a ball of fire, who goes out and does things all the time, who loves life and feels young, not someone willing to sit at home and do nothing"

Anyhow, was just wondering what you all thought of that concept at this point. I realize that this is helpful in the long run anyhow to know what is drawing him to OW, but I am just wondering if ya'all think it's mid life crisis as well...double trouble. UGH! Plus, I'm not the only one thinking this way. He has complained repeatedly to me that his mom, sister and father all think this too. So what do ya'all think here??

Just butting in here for a moment...

Cami, I think a number of the folks here will tell you that mid-life crisis (MLC) is a sham, an excuse. A crutch on which to prop horrible behavior.

I'm 58. If I ever had a mid-life crisis, it was my bad behavior that got me into A.A. and started me on the road to recovery, not the other way around.

I'm sure some people stop at some point in their lives and question where they've been and where they're going. But that's an existential question and does not deserve or justify acting out in disreputable ways.

So, if you're buying the MLC idea at all, make sure you don't pay a premium for it. It's not worth it.

Cami, it is an AFFAIR that is making him do these things. My WH is 37. He is saying and doing the same things as your WH. No MID LIFE crisis. Although, before I found MB, I also thought that about my WH. Even though a part of me KNEW he was too young. I remember the night he said, "And it is NOT a mid-life crisis." He was RIGHT but then I didn't know about the affair.

Have you read this thread yet?


Start at the beginning and go through all of the links.

Thanks for the 2x4 scotland! I really needed that.

I have read almost all those threads...man that took a while. Gotta finish them too, but only one left. I have to say, he sounds so much like every one of those things! It's scary to see it in writing.

I am going to work on writing out a plan...a solid plan...today after I do my errands and such. Then I will post so that anyone can offer opinions. BUT I will say, we have already agreed to a form of the radical honesty because we talked right after he left the home and said that from now on there will be 100% honesty no matter whether it hurts or not, no matter what we are worried about the other thinking....we will not lie to each other again. Well, I have stuck to that and he has pretty much too because he flat out tells me when he is going out with OW or what he is doing or when...at least I'm hoping I'm getting 50% honesty there...but I'm giving 100% that way I know that I am being true to my word and my M.

Will write more later though after I come up with a plan to have ya'all tell me whatcha think.

Yes, you can put a hidden GPS on the tow truck, as long as he drives the same truck all the time.

If he changes out to different trucks, then you cannot put a GPS.

The tow truck company will be none the wiser.

Just FYI.

I see a problem with your "honesty agreement." There is the fact that WAYWARDS LIE. He gets to tell you when he is with OW so he can say, when you get upset, "But we agreed on total HONESTY, RIGHT?" Then if he finds out that you have snooped on him, he will say, "That's IT. I can't take this. YOU are so DISHONEST." See where this kind of agreement will backfire? The time for COMPLETE honesty is when you two are on the marital recovery train.

Where's that PLAN?

My prospective plan A:

Dress nicely, hair done, conservative makeup every time we see each other. He does not care for hardcore makeup so I am giving him that but I feel that I need makeup to feel good about me, so I am considering my own feelings too.

i will meet his en for communication by listening to him with my full attention focused when we talk, giving comments like uh huh and so forth so that he knows I'm listening, repeating important things back and asking if I got it right.

100 % honesty to him whether he gives it to me or not. He is fully aware that I know about the OW, so there is no worries about him getting mad that I snoop at this point. So I will give him 100% honesty because that is his #1 emotional need.

I will smile and look directly at him when speaking if we are in person so that he is aware that he has my full attention.

I will keep the house clean because domestic was one of his top 5.

I will be compassionate to his needs, wants and desires but honest with him about mine in a nice manner as well.

I will not engage in talk about the R or OW

I will not be a doormat, but will subtley let him know when I disagree with something he says so that he knows I am responding.

I will be more spontaneous, fun, for instance going for walks and just picking up and doing something different for me at a spur of the moment.

I will not push him in any way to make a final decision about the R but will keep pushing lightly for him to get rid of the OW.

I will not call/text him first except very seldom or in a situtation where I absolutely must or to work on my stated 180s.

I will do things and make decisions that are good for me.

Pray, Pray, Pray.

I will take into consideration what makes H happy, but will not base any decision solely on if it will make him happy or not. I will take my own feelings, wants and desires into consideration.

I will look into finishing my degree and then getting a better job to help financially support this family

I will continue to work with my IC on improvements to myself.

I will pay bills on time and to the best of my ability (another of his EN things)

I will rebuild my own confidence and self-esteem

I will speak directly, say what's on my mind, what I want, need and desire as he has said this is something that he wishes I would do. But I will do it nicely and stay calm.

I will get over my fears and work toward more me time.

I will not be held responsible for the wrong choices that he made, but will take responsibility for the wrong choices that I made in this R.

180s I'm trying/going to try....
text/call and just say how's your day going once in a while.

tell him I miss him once per week (yes, I know I should never do this, but he has said that he thinks it's cute and enjoyed when I used to do this kind of stuff and has missed it for a long time, so I will once per week).

Start making decisions solely to make me happy like going to a movie or what have you, but NOT ask him if I can go....he wants someone more independant.

If he does walk up behind me and grab me and kiss my neck or something similar, I will turn around and respond rather than just smiling and keep doing whatever I was doing.

When he texts me dirty little inuendos, I will actually respond rather than just saying oh my. He states that he has always wanted me to be more vocal with him on this....this does not mean I will have sex with him, but I am doing this as an attempt to meet sf while maintaining the other stuff.that I should do.



*****

my problem is that some of these things are directly against what I have read here or I believe they are, but they are things H has said throughout the 5 weeks that he has been gone that he has missed, that he needs, that meet his en. So I'm confused on what should or should not be in that manner.

Can someone please offer me advice on whether I am planning well or not? Please. Thanks.

The first thing that I have a thought on is that these are things he has been using in the past 5 weeks to justify his affair. They may not necessarily be the things that ARE his ENs. I HIGHLY doubt that Honesty is his NUMBER ONE. If it were, HE would have been honest and he is NOT. THis is a lie like other things he has told you.

Have you told him about this site? Does he know about DrH? If not, don't tell him about it yet.

Focus on FIVE ENs. Spreading yourself too thinly will undermine what you will be trying to accomplish.

Try to figure out what your WH's needs were PRE-A by remembering arguments and complaints from BEFORE the affair. Also, look within yourself to see what kind of LBs you are guilty of committing and commit to not doing them anymore.

k. I'll have to revise this...I'll put some thought into it. But I can tell you that honesty may not be number 1 from prior to A, but it was number 2 at the lowest. That's why he is so focused on the fact that I lied to him causing him to leave...but he has obviously lied to me and is not admitting that yet. So, where's the logic there?

But I will revise and get back on with a plan.

Thanks!

Okie doke. Here I am. I have really thought about this and have reviewed an emotional needs questionairre to see what I feel were H's complaints prior-A.

His most important needs are
Affection -need to show him more that I love him. The words are not enough, he has told me that my actions don't show him that I love him so he feels unloved, unneeded, unwanted. I need to respond when he makes little efforts not just smile and say thanks. He says that infuriates him and so I must learn to respond accordingly.

Admiration - he wants to know that I appreciate him and what he does for this family and R. He says that I do no appreciate him and that I never thank him for anything. That I do not recognize when he does things that help me out or are nice to have happen, I just ignore them. So I must show him more what I feel rather than just thinking it.

Communication - he says that I am on the computer and paying attention to the cats rather than spending time with him and caring about what he has to say. I will learn to give him undivided attention and listen to what he says and respond. I will learn to talk to my H.

Honest and Openness - this is where the 100% honesty comes in. He doesn't like that I feel I have to hide anything from him. Now, right now I don't think he's being 100% honest with me LOL, but I'm going to be honest with him and if I prefer not to tell him something, I'm just gonna tell him that.

Sexual Fulfillment - I am working on this one. LOL. This is one of those things that really bothered him. I am very conservative with sex. He is more open. So I have been educating myself on new ways/things. And I throw them in once in a while when talking to him as a tease. I asked if he liked it and said he absolutely LOVES it. So I'm continuing that.

Recreational Companionship and Domestic support - these two are actually okay, but not the best with me, so I threw them in here to remind myself daily to work on them like I already have been. I have been walking and reading and going out to the lake and what have you by myself.

Other LB that he has told me I do that I will stop doing:
I do not do the little spontaneous things enough. He likes it when I text him how is your day or I miss you or hi hot stuff...things like that that tell him I love him without being overbearing.

He does not like when I say I'm sorry. He tells me I sound weak and vulnerable when I say that, and I say it a lot. So I am actively working to quit saying that as well, but to explain my feelings and let it lie at that point. He wants me to be stronger.

He misses my bubbly personality from when we were younger. I used to be upbeat all the time. Well, life happened and we got so far in debt and so much death happened that I lost that. I am working on getting that back for me. I want to be myself again and if it helps him along the way fine. And we are filing a ch 13 bankruptcy to alleviate some of that as a married couple. That is something that is a tremendous weight off my shoulders and his. It also alleviates everything I've ever lied to him about. So that is a double plus!!

He says that he prefers it when I speak to him and just tell him what's on my mind. I have a habit of him hawing around. Well, I have stopped that, not only with him but with everyone. I like it much better. I do try to be tactful, but I state what I feel and let it lie at that point.

I need to smile more and worry less. I am working hard on this one and it is for me. I want to be happy, healthy have serenity and calm as well as fun and love. So I am working toward those things for me.

I do not go out with anyone other than him and that bothers him. I have started to reconnect with some old friends from high school and from the town here and have found that it is nice to talk with them and I want to start spending some time doing things I like. GAL right??

Um, I think that is all I want to put at this point....I'm still not sure I have it right though. Is this the right approach to a plan a?? Please advise.

So today was interesting to me. And, I know I did some things wrong, but I think I did somethings right too. At least I hope I did.


This morning, he texted me four times, I ignored them all. Then he called me at 1:00 and I let it go to voice mail. I finally called him back about 30 minutes after that. He asked if I would bring him in some of his good clothes cause he is on Jury duty (which I already knew cause the notice came here and I had to get it to him) and wanted to have something to wear other than his greasy uniforms. I told him that I would TRY, but I have a busy day so it might not be til late...but I will TRY to do this for him. He said he really appreciated it and if I couldn't make it to let him know later so that he figure out something else to do for something to wear cause his boss said that he could not drive the truck out here just for some clothes. That was not acceptable to his boss LOL.

He talked a little about his day then and asked how mine was going. I told him busy, but good. Then we hung up. maybe a total of 5 - 7 minutes on the phone at the most.

So I'm going to take them in (his mom's house is about 30 miles from my house and that's where he is staying) but the only reason is that I have an appointment about 2 miles from her house anyhow at 4 pm. Otherwise I would not do this at this point. But I will not have to see him, he is at work and I will just drop them on the front porch and be gone.

But, did I do the right thing by putting him off a little like that? Did I do the right thing not committing but saying I would try to do it for him and telling him I was having a good day, without him

I DID do something for me yesterday and it felt sooOoooo good! I went and got a haircut LOL! Man that felt so nice for a change! AND I made plans for this Saturday to go to my high school reunion with a couple of my high school friends that I have reconnected with AND I made plans for next friday to go out to a movie with a bunch of my friends too. So I made a little bit of a life for me...that was really good in my opinion!! I'm glad I did it, cause I haven't cried since I did and I am feeling a little good about myself at this point. So, maybe it is helping me.

And, one bright note (at least I think it is) his mom was talking to me today when I got there. We were alone. She let me know that she walked in on H having a conversation on the cell phone with OW and he was in her house. So, Mom blasted him loud and cleear. Called the OW every name in the book and let him know that it is completely wrong. That she is never welcome in her home and that if she ever caught H talking to OW while in her home again, he would no longer have a place to stay.

She also said that OW and H were planning to do something last night, and she found it hilarious. See H has a 24/7 on call job. He can be called at any minute and have to drop everything and just go. Well, after she blasted him H went to take a shower. Then stepped outside and called OW back to say he'd be there to meet her soon...while they were on the phone, his beeper went off. TEEHEE! Anyhow, mom said she could hear OW yelling clear inside the house and that he had to go on call that took him 100 miles, so she knew that they wouldn't get to meet up.

I explained that OW hates H's job. Because he does keep cancelling on her. And he ahs told this to a couple of friends and even to me Mom said, well that's too bad cause she has never seen any man who loves their job as much as H does and I would have to agree there.

But the bright note is: mom blasted him loud enough that he had to answer to OW for his mom calling her such raunchy names, they had to cancel plans because of work and I understand from mom that they were fighting badly because of it. He said...gotta go and hung up on her at that point.

Maybe it's beginning to finally fall apart in some way.

Anyway, I wanted to tell ya'all about his mom and her support of me. Gosh I love my MIL!!

Good to hear about your MIL. That is GREAT.

You ARE in Plan A right? So do Plan A type things. It IS perfectly OKAY to show your WH that you are not sitting around waiting for him and that you are having a life without him. That will get him thinking, even if you are just going to the local drugstore and look through the magazines.

Have y9ou figured out his top 5 ENs? Have you figured out what LBs you were guilty of committing and what steps you have taken to ensure you will not commit them anymore?

Yes, I put those in a post on page one. And how I planned to correct that. I also have started to be dim with him. I do not initiate any contact with him at all. But I do respond once in a while when he contacts me, just not all the time. Am I doing okay? Cause there's another site that is telling me I'm doing everything wrong....I'm confused. HELP

oh wait, no it's just above the post about what his mom told me. Oops. sorry. but it's there for ya to puruse. Please offer advice! I can use all the help I can get.

And, just an FYI, that is not the first time my MIL has blasted him. AND his sister has done so too. She knows OW from when they were kids and she flat out told him that OW would never be welcome in her home cause she didn't like her then and she flat out hates her now. LOL. Good to have their support in this.

OOps sorry, I missed that post.

As far as the other site, which plan do you want to follow? You can't read on two different sites and try to implement plans from both. MB is an ALL or nothing kind of program.

I will read over your post and see what I can help ya out with.

I am beginning to see that. I am here. I like this approach better. It allows me to at least talk with him from time to time. The other site doesn't want me talking to him at all and after 23 years, I don't think that I can do that as a matter of fact, I have been trying but messing it up consistently.

Please do let me know what you think and offer any advice. My thread has been slow and I'm really in need of help here. Thanks again!

Okay, I see that you have 7 top 5 ENs there. Well you can't possibly work on all 7 with great gusto because you would wear yourself out too quickly.

Let's work on admiration, SF, RC and Physical attractiveness(I think that is also where the confidence and bubbly personality would come in).

When you admire your WH, you could get him to come over to the house to do something that a "strong" person would have to do or something that you could really use help with. Also, whenever is possible, admire him to someone else. These will deposit the MOST LB$.

SF without actual Sex is okay. What you would do is sexy texts and emails. You KNOW what he likes. You KNOW what turns him on so tell him about how you would do those things to him. There is a text that Princess Meggy likes to tell BSs to text, "I heard on the news today that aliens are abducting sexy people, I sure will miss you." This could mean that your WH is going to be taken away, or YOU. I even sent my WH an email where I said that I had a dream where I did all of the things that WH likes in the SF department. Even telling him how HOT that was making me. If you can't imagine doing that yourself, pretend to be a different person. Beyonce says she is a very shy person and has a different persona for stage. Get yourself a POWERFUL sex goddess as your new persona.

As far as RC, that means things you would do WITH your WH. Activities HE enjoys. You can invite him to come along, and if he refuses, you would go anyways and tell him about how much FUN you had. LIVE a GREAT life.

PA, you want to look and smell great all of the time. Confidence SHINES even through the phone. Smile when you are talking to him. Even if you have to tell yourself jokes to get that smile on your face.

I think this is a good start.