And Markos,
I do not want or need at this point to lose my truck that I got a year ago. We finally got to a place where we could afford it and it is the truck I have been hoping to have since I was a kid. I love my truck. Worst case scenario financially I see as losing that truck, but I will not let that happen.

Tom, why are you spending so much time talking about things like not wanting to lose your truck and avoiding talking about the suggestions provided here?

I will ask you again, can you say to your wife, "I am really stressed about our finances. Do you think we can sit down and talk about some potential solutions? I would really like your help with this."

Being honest with your wife is part of the solution!!! Doing so while not being disrespectful or making selfish demands is part of the solution. Being open to brainstorming several potential ways to improve your financial picture is part of the solution.

Do you want to work toward a solution?

I was addressing what markos had commented about. I was not a fan of his comments so I felt the need to defend against them. And frankly my comments about the truck are something that I have thought about myself and worried about.

Yes I want to work towards a solution. I am trying to figure out the right way to talk to her about it. I am not one who has a good way with words, so I have to do it right or there will be an emotional mess I will then have to clean up.

One thing you could do is set out a budget "OUR BUDGET" together like many married couples do. Take a large piece of paper, marking pens, and all the bills and lay it all out on the kitchen table.

After dinner ask her to meet and help you develop this money plan.

Together, figure out how much $$$ is coming in and how much is going out. That alone on paper.... will be revealing. If 400 more is being spent each month than is coming in, then some changes need to be made.

Write your financial goals for next month, next year, and the next 5-10 years.

Write down ways to meet these goals. Both of you write whatever you want on the paper that has to do with finances. Write down what you want to buy, large purchases, in the next year or so. Write out your worries, like "Might lose the truck!" etc.

Write it all out together. This will be a testament you can keep and work on again and again.

Then together figure out what is wrong, what is right, and who needs to work what hours to provide this money,

If you want a baby, figure it is about 1000 a month extra for 17 years, who will work and afford one? Write it down on paper.

Keep writing until both people see what is happening with the money.

Write out some ideas on the paper that will help, including:

1. Locking up all credit cards until you can get this under control
2. Working more hours both of you
4. Paying off the truck
5. Paying down debt, specifics
6. Shopping at discount food stores
7. Taking bagged lunches to save money for a month long experiment
8. Doing a SAVING WEEK to see how much each of you can save and then giving a prize
9. Hanging up a large poster to write more ideas each day
10. Encouraging each other to save to meet your goals which are financial freedom and marital happiness.
11. Reading books about budgeting to learn things and books like "The Millionaire Next Door" for inspiration.

This exercise can be done and changed every week, it can become a sort of springboard to some great communication between you and get you on the same PAGE financially.

Here's one problem:

This is unrealistic. I suppose teaching public school it is possible for husband and wife, at the entry level, to earn close to the same salaries, but sooner or later, one of them will get a promotion, or take on a second job as a coach, or the wife will take a leave to have children. We all know a lot of marriages between two teachers or two doctors.

The real problem is that equality is fool's goal. Our society worships equality. In practice, whether in the classroom or in manipulation of personal wealth through the tax code, the effect is to drag the achievers down. It will drag your marriage down to, at best, a 50/50 deal where the work is divided up into neat little piles, roles are sharply defined, scores kept, and each guards the territory that comes to define their competence.

You and your wife are young, and a long way from working through that mindset, to one of a 100/100 percent egalitarian partnership. That means moving beyond your competencies to learning how to do the chores which now belong to the other spouse. It means recognizing that you both are not very competent at a lot of marriage skills, sitting down with guides from experts like Dr. Harley, and figure out what your marriage could be when you grow up. I don't mean that in a derogatory way, but am just saying that most people fumble along through life, through their careers, and their marriages without growing up from the crude emotional devices they developed as children - which is why they have mediocre success.

You're misunderstanding what I mean by everything. I said "everything you want." What you want is the financial burden to be equal. Can we talk about how you can give her a reason to want to give you what you ask?


I don't understand; why not? Working out marital disagreements is a lot easier when both sides are represented, and you can get good help here.

I don't understand; I thought the problem was you can't afford the bills now? So how can you say you can afford it? If you're making a payment on it, doesn't that mean you can't afford it?

Why should your wife have to work to pay for your truck for you? It looks like you want to gain at her expense.

Good grief; I don't have time to play "defend myself against comments" with you. I'm sorry I said something you weren't a fan of.

Has anyone said anything to you here that is even remotely helpful?


Then why don't you want to work with your wife? Doesn't she deserve a solution, too?


Are you trying to figure this out yourself, or are you here looking for advice from people who have figured out how to work out marital difficulties and can help you?

TO,

I and others have given you suggestions on how to word it with your wife. Will any of them work for you? If not, tell us why not so we can continue to suggest ideas.

Also, I think you need to spend some time getting to the root of the issue. SH says that typically, in order for the financial need to be met for men, they just need all of the bills paid and they don't care what that looks like. It could be the wife working part-time or cutting the budget or whatever. Is this you as well? Or, is there another reason you want her to specifically look for a teaching job and to work full-time?

For most women (but also some men and you may fall into this category) the financial need is about showing care toward his/her spouse and not just making ends meet. In other words, the person feels cared for if the spouse is spending 40 hours per week working.

If you can identify whether you are upset because you are not able to make ends meet or because you do not feel cared for, it will help you figure out how to talk about the issue with her.

Agree with Retread here. This is a renters attitude. Marriages where the spouses keep score tend to be abusive when the score is uneven. A better approach than demanding things be "equal" is to find solutions that make both spouses happy.

Tom, you can have a happy marriage and stop these destructive practices and start using these principles. You are driving your marriage right into a ditch as it is.

When you have financial issues in a marriage and you are spending more money than you are making on the job, there are two main things that you have to look at putting into place:

1. Work more, get more money
2. Spend less

You two cannot keep overspending. It has to stop.

Tom,
Do you and your wife have less coming in than going out? Or do you just want more cushion?

Tom has already stated that:
His salary is enough to cover the mortgage, car payment, insurance, student loans, and possibly one other bill

This leaves out food, electric, water, and trash. This also leaves out things like oil changes, car repairs, etc.

So she's working part time. This prob gives them enough now to get groceries but not the utility bills. So, in addition to him working fulltime, he'd have to work an extra 20-25 hours a week to just get the utilities paid. So now he's up to working close to 70 hours a week. This seems pretty unrealistic and insane.


I could be wrong but when he says he wants them to contribute equally, I don't think he means that they make the same wage. I think that he means they both work fulltime, their money goes into the kitty and then bills get paid. I don't believe that he's asking she make 41,276.47 a year like he is (I'm just throwing out an arbitrary number).

I think that he does.

He has already stated that she is a school teacher also.

She is working a part time job right now ...cause she didn't get picked back up for a teaching position in the next school year. So...she is contributing by working this summer when she could be taking a "mental break" like he is.

I really feel like he is picking her apart in an attempt to justify seeking needs met elsewhere.

He doesn't like what she orders to eat cause it is $4.00 more than he orders. He enjoys the time that she is NOT home. He is attempting to tell her what jobs to apply for and she isn't complying.

committed

Yup, I agree. I think he is already in the beginnings of a wayward mindset. This is how it begins....

No. He stated he wanted her to work fulltime not to make the same wage he is. She could be taking a mental break but it's already been established he's earning his fulltime wage. She went from working fulltime to working parttime and according to him is not even attempting to find fulltime work.

It's not like they had an agreement that she would be a stay at home mom and now he suddenly wants her to work. She was working fulltime and is now working parttime and is not trying to find fulltime employment.

But he won't be honest and that's really teh issue.

Hello, Tom ... did you give up on seeking advice from us?

This is how I see it....

He wants to take a mental break from work...she worked as a teacher all year also, but she doesn't need one, she needs to work full time.

He wants her out of the house because he doesn't enjoy his time at home unless she is gone...so she has got to work full time.

He wants to keep his expensive truck (that he loves ), the truck that he has hoped to have since he was a child...so she has got to work full time.

He has large student loans that need to be repaid...so she has got to work full time.

His posts reek of entitlement.

committed

www.daveramsey.com

Tom sounds a little frustrated, maybe immature too. That could be the frustration shining through. Hopefully he will do the DR thing!

You would think that with his education Tom would be all over this.

I would agree with you on this one but he's earning a paycheck on his break. She is not. If she took a break, she wouldn't earn any money at all. I'm not saying he couldn't pick up a part time job. However, he's having to do professional development and he's taking classes...so it's not like he's sitting around doing nothing. And he's still earning his typical paycheck, so he's not expecting her to work when he's not bringing any money in. They have no kids...there's nothing holding her back from working fulltime.



That�s because he�s resentful that she won�t work fulltime, has no reason not to work fulltime, and is doing nothing to look for fulltime work. But, of course, this stems from him not communicating his wanting her to go and at least make the attempt to look for fulltime employment.




His paycheck covers his tr uck payment. He�s also stated that they need a good vehicle that is under warranty in case the other one breaks down.I mean if that�s the case then should he say, �let�s split the bills. My paycheck will cover the mortgage, insurances on the car, truck payment, student loans, and 1 utility bill. Since your paycheck won�t cover the electric, food, and gas utilities, then we�re won�t eat or have power.�



So does she.


This just sounds so 1-sided bashing. He�s entitled and selfish because he wants her to work fulltime. He works fulltime. He happens to get a summer off; he�s still earning fulltime pay. So I guess you think he should go and work more hours while she works part time and sits around and does nothing else with her time. I mean, why not? Then when school starts, he can go ahead and work 70 hours while she works 15 or 20.