|
|
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 370
Member
|
Member
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 370 |
SHE should be the one paying child support if he has primary custody of the kids. How much child suport do you think you will have to pay? SHOULD be the one IF he gets custody. Sometimes the courts arent fair. It sucks for guys. He needs to be prepared just in case. His lawyer should be able to better answer this question for you. Knowing that Plan B is on the horizon, I'll let her cake eat for now. Just realize that you are enabling her while you do it. You are saying its ok for you to have a boyfriend and me at the same time. sot, when you retain an attorney and you lay all this out for him, he will probably try to talk you out of it. That is because an attorney wants an easy, amicable divorce. He is not interested in saving your marriage. You are more likely to save your marriage if you make this difficult and drag it out. If you are clear that you want to contest the marriage they will though. In the end they will get even more cash since you will be contesting every filing and purposefully dragging her to the judge instead of conceding every point. Its a scorched earth strategy. When she runs out of $$$ she runs out of gas. Especially if she lives in a fault state and she isnt going to be entitled to make YOU pay for HER lawyer. Just let HER make the filings and then you respond in the harshest ways. She will get the picture of what the process is going to be like and she will quickly blow through the lawyers retainer. She will get desperate for cash and her happy go lucky freeloader single pals arent going to pony up. Financial security is a real need. If you cooperate with someone whose intent is the destruction of your marriage, you will end up with a destroyed marriage. The trick is to make it tough and then drag your feet for about 2 years. If she doesn't wake up in that time, then your marriage is over anyway. Couldnt agree more. I dont feel comfort giving any advice on when to go into PB. I simply dont know. Im getting my cues from steve harley on when I go. Unless the wife FORCES me to move quicker. That will actually be a blessing because then I can act with little remorse and cut the purse strings.
(ME) BS - 33YO (HER) WW - 32YO Married 7 years DD5 D-Day - 5/1/10 (PA) Exposure 5/7/10 Plan A 5/7/10 - Plan B or Recovery on 7-1-10 Its in her court ATM My thread
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 71
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 71 |
sot, I have scanned through the last pages of your thread and forgive me if I have missed something, but I think I understand your situation.
Your wife doesn't necessarily have AN OM, but is addicted to that whole destructive single lifestyle? MB has resolved marriages like this, but I would go about this a little differently.
The thing that stands out the most to me is that your wayward wife is driving the ship here. She has you all under her complete control, which emboldens her. This way, she knows she can keep you as an option. That is appealing to an abusive person who only views others as opportunities for exploitation. While you certainly need to leave a good taste in her mouth, the carrot part of Plan A is not going to avail you much except serve to enable her.
The STICK is going to help you much more. If there is going to be any hope of recovery, you will need to take back control of your life and not allow her to drive the ship.
The way you do that is to:
a) expose the affair wife and far [if you haven't already]
b) countersue for adultery if you can. If your state allows this, don't let the attorney talk you out of it. Ask for possession of the house and primary custody of the children. Have it put in your papers that your children are not be around any OM
c) go into Plan B ASAP. And I mean a DAMN DARK Plan B. In your case, you cannot leave any gaps because your wife is a player so she will be looking for ways to get through. Change your locks, designate a intermediary and then deliver the letter.
Attach a visitation schedule to the letter and specify that she is not to come in the house, but is to pick up the kids from the drive way and let them off in the driveway. If they are too little for that, then find a way to do this exchange in a way that you don't see her.
Plan B will be taking back control of your life from a crazy person. This will protect you and may also wake her up. Melody- my WW definitely has an OM. She thinks he is her soulmate. They were old friends that reconnected over facebook. WW had EA with him for a couple of years. he lived 4000 mi away. I discovered and exposed. She moved out. About a month later she moved back home without warning. I later found out that she was advised by a lawyer. OM moved to town and got a job with WW. Its been about a month since that happened. I'm sure EA is now PA. WW has filed but I have not received the papers yet. That filing allows her to leave without affecting custody. She intends to move in with her mother in 2 weeks. She can't move now because her sister is staying there until she closes on her new house. I am a little reluctant to say too much here about my plans because WW might be onto my thread. She has been to MB, so I am not positive.
Last edited by sot; 06/21/10 09:37 AM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879 |
SOT I agree with Melody! GET HER OUT NOW! Even if you have to pack her bags yourself, and change the locks, what she is doing is too painful for you, and I think you are doing a great plan A especially if she is still trying to kiss you. That is a good sign! Time for your next plan my friend, I think you are READY!!   for plan B lol
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879 |
She intends to move in with her mother in 2 weeks. She can't move now because her sister is staying there until she closes on her new house. I am a little reluctant to say too much here about my plans because WW might be onto my thread. She has been to MB, so I am not positive. Then it is the PERFECT time to pack her bags and change the locks! Get her out so it is very uncomfortable to move with her mom and sis... MWHAHAHAAA (evil laugh!) Plan B is not suppose to be for HER convenient...only YOURS!! KICK HER OUT!!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 370
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 370 |
WW has filed but I have not received the papers yet. Your lawyer can get them for you. They are public record once they are filed. The lawyer wont serve you early since it would give you more time to prepare. You need to get to a lawyer and see them NOW so you can properly prepare an answer. You need to get your statements ready for your temparary custody hearing. Your going to need statements on EXACTLY what your wife has been doing. You need hard data too. Like dates and times. Get a calender and right down stuff everyday. Use different colors and stuff. It HAS to look legitimate. DO NOT TYPE IT. Handwritten looks much better. Typed stuff looks contrived just for a trial. You need to pull your head out the sand. The BEST way for you to save your marraige is leave the wife with as LITTLE as possible. If she loses her kids and isnt getting child support she will think twice about the "soulmate" BS.
(ME) BS - 33YO (HER) WW - 32YO Married 7 years DD5 D-Day - 5/1/10 (PA) Exposure 5/7/10 Plan A 5/7/10 - Plan B or Recovery on 7-1-10 Its in her court ATM My thread
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 71
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 71 |
Thanks Sapphire. My plan A has been good at trying to meet EN's and reducing LB's. I have LB'd but I have done a decent job. I have been horrible at not talking R and I have been needy. I'm not sure if she wanted to kiss me or if it really was just habit like she said. I think the latter. Either way it did show her defenses were down at least for a second. I can't force her out, I've checked. I have to wait until she leaves in a week or so. It would be really great to see something positive before I go to plan B. I think she will be delighted with Plan B for the short term. I'm not sure if she will ever really regret leaving. We will see I guess.
YEG- thanks for the input. I haven't been writing everything down but I pretty much could write everything from the last few weeks down. I will start. I could look back at this thread and get most of it. I am in a no fault state. I am looking at 50/50 on custody. there isn't much deviation from that here. That means I will owe her support. I think her plan is to use all of that money for rent. My guess is she will get a place and move OM in with her. I will do everything I can to stop that. I need time in plan b, but I don't know how much I'll be able to get. Even if my marriage can't be saved I want to make sure this sh!thead doesn't have access to my kids.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879 |
Thanks Sapphire. I can't force her out, I've checked. I have to wait until she leaves in a week or so. I am confused?? All you have to do is pack her bags and change the locks, and give her your plan b letter? Can you not do that? Plenty of BS on here has done that, they would pack while their WS was at work or out of town, then they would come home to find out all of their stuff was on the porch with the locks changed and a plan B letter with their stuff. So when you said you can't force her out, confuses me..because YOU CAN!!
Last edited by SapphireReturns; 06/21/10 12:38 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 370
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 370 |
My guess is she will get a place and move OM in with her. I will do everything I can to stop that. Judges have a VERY dim view of this. In my state while in seperation children are to have NO CONTACT with boyfriends. Even after D there are no overnight boyfriends. So if she moves him in while the kids are with her you can file an emergency petition for full custody since she is exposing the kids to those actions. Kids are the innocent victims to all this. Judges will do EVERYTHING to protect them. Most likely this will be covered in the seperation agreement. If not tell your lawyer YOU WANT IT for the WELFARE of your kids. Keep your nose clean too and it will go a long way.
(ME) BS - 33YO (HER) WW - 32YO Married 7 years DD5 D-Day - 5/1/10 (PA) Exposure 5/7/10 Plan A 5/7/10 - Plan B or Recovery on 7-1-10 Its in her court ATM My thread
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 370
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 370 |
All you have to do is pack her bags and change the locks, and give her your plan b letter? Can you not do that? Plenty of BS on here has done that, they would pack while their WS was at work or out of town, then they would come home to find out all of their stuff was on the porch with the locks changed and a plan B letter with their stuff.
So when you said you can't force her out, confuses me..because YOU CAN!! smile you CAN do that. They can also call the cops on you. If she is a legal resident in the house they will let her in. You wont get arrested but it will defeat the purpose. Better to do the seperation legally. Especially if she has no where to go and IF she really filed already.
(ME) BS - 33YO (HER) WW - 32YO Married 7 years DD5 D-Day - 5/1/10 (PA) Exposure 5/7/10 Plan A 5/7/10 - Plan B or Recovery on 7-1-10 Its in her court ATM My thread
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 71
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 71 |
I have been advised that I can not legally do that here. More importantly, WW has been advised by her lawyer that I can not do that. If she doesn't want to leave, the judge in this jurisdiction typically will not force either party to leave the family home until the divorce is final.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879 |
Have you separated all of your finances? So you are not supporting her financially while she is in the A?
I wonder if you can go into a plan B while she is there? IDK? Can you hold up another couple weeks till you can start plan B?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 71
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 71 |
Our finances are separate, sorta. I don't pay for her car, insurance, or groceries. However, my name is on the car, so if she defaults it will affect me. I have my own bank acct. But she has just proven that she will steal the money out of there if given the opportunity. I don't give her any money and I expect her to pay for a portion of the kids extra expenses prorated to the ratiio of our incomes. She hasn't been keeping up with that, but I am not ready to tell the kids that they can not participate in their activies because their mother will not pay her part. I pay for everything else and she lives at home so she gets the benefit of that. If she moves out she will start to get cs.
I can wait for plan B. I would actually like to make a little progress with Plan A before I switch. I want her last memories of me to be good ones. Not of us fighting about OM or me pressuring her. So for the next couple of weeks, no R talk and hopefully she will feel safe enough to spend some time with me. If this is going to be the last 2 weeks that I ever speak to my W i want it to be good.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 306
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 306 |
Ok Sot,
I realize you can not just kick her out, but can you initiate eviction proceedings against her? In my state you must give the evicted person 30 days in written notice. I don't know what your state requires, but it will put some pressure on her to GET OUT and make throw a wrench into her plans with OM. If nothing else it may create a few fights between them due to the pressure of her being evicted.
Anyway just a thought. Hope thing get a little better for you.
Me - BS Him - WS Discovery 3/26/10 NC letter mailed 5/27/10 NC letter recieved 5/29/10 My Thread Recovery may not be an option. Seriously looking a plan B/D
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 71
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 71 |
Eluna - I can't evict her because she owns the house. I think she intends to go. I don't think she wants to be there with me. She says now that she has filed, moving out won't be considered abandonment of the kids and won't affect custody. Apparently, this is the only reason she moved back. We will see in a couple of weeks.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 71
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 71 |
Just spoke to WW on the phone. She is full of piss and vinegar over the canceled check thing. She thinks I was trying to teach her a lesson and of course that is pissing her off. I heard a lot of hateful things efore she calmed down to talk a little. I stayed calm and asked what she thought my objectives were. She thinks I am trying to trick her or guilt her into staying married to me and apparently "its never going to happen". I tried to let her understand that I am not trying to convince her to stay only to show her what kind of relationship we could have if she chose to stay. I realize she likely won't see any of this while she is with the OM. I really don't know if she will ever see it. She said she would not allow herself to ever have feelings for me. That makes recovering our marriage almost impossible. Not only does she not have feelings for me but she doesn't trust me to allow them. I am trying to accept what I am accountable for without allowing her to justify her actions. It is a fine line. I did make mistakes. I did control her in ways and I didn't treat her with the respect she deserved. However, no one deserves this. My mistakes were mistakes of ignorance not of malice. She thinks I'm an angry, uptight, controlling person. Well, when your WW is having an affair and not respecting boundaries aren't most people angry uptight and controlling. I really do love my DW. I hope someday I see her again. The lady at home can go.
So much for no R talk today. I guess it happens. I didn't really bring it up, but she won't remember it that way.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
She thinks I am trying to trick her or guilt her into staying married to me and apparently "its never going to happen". I tried to let her understand that I am not trying to convince her to stay only to show her what kind of relationship we could have if she chose to stay. ] sot, what if you suggested she move out now? Since she is moving anyway and says she doesn't want to be with you, would she be willing to leave now? Tell her that her affair is just too painful for you to endure. Ask her if she would give you a break and move out now. \ Sometimes when you put it like that, they will leave willingly.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 71
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 71 |
That is exactly what I said when she agreed to leave. The next day she filed for D and went and spoke with her mother about moving in. She can't move in with her mother until her sister closes on her house because her sister and her husband are staying in the one extra room. So she isn't leaving for another week and a half. I'm ok with Plan A for that long. I may even plan A for a very short period of time when she goes to her mother's. I don't want her to think its retaliation for her moving out. I want her to see my true intentions to recover a healthy marriage.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
. I may even plan A for a very short period of time when she goes to her mother's. I don't want her to think its retaliation for her moving out. I want her to see my true intentions to recover a healthy marriage. Gotcha! When she moves out, I would wait about 2-3 weeks to go dark. The reason is because by then the novelty will have worn off and she will be starting to miss you at that point. That will give you plenty of time to get all your ducks in a row.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
p.s. since she can't move for another week, I would ask her to not conduct her adultery while she is still living with you and the kids. Ask her to at least show some basic respect and decency while she lives there and not carry on her adultery while she lives with you and the kids. The kids don't need to see their mother catting around like an alley cat in heat staying out all night and such.
Every time you bring it up, use the word ADULTERY and tell her how hurtful her adultery is. I would bring this up early and OFTEN.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 71
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 71 |
That is pretty much what I have said. She will agreee to that and then do it anyway. She says she is with TF, but knows that no one believes that. I spent about a 3 or 4 weeks trying to fight the A and make it difficult. WW only saw that as contol. This week, since I asked her to leave, I quit taking her keys and loading the kids in the car when she wants to leave. It didn't help. It didn't stop her and it did kill any remaining love she had for me. (at least in her eyes) I am not accepting it, just preparing for Plan B.
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
117
guests, and
69
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,621
Posts2,323,490
Members71,963
| |
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
|
|
|
|
