Lost - the other question I was asking you is if you thought your wife had a true "addiction." If so, is this different than a typical wayward spouse?

I understand that the way back is the same, but should I be pushing for some sort of psychological evaluation or treatment in addition to the other Plan A / ending the affair actions?

You're not moving too slow. You're at least moving.

It is healthy that you ask questions and express skepticism. It shows you're not a blind follower.

So skepticism is a good quality, but don't let it hinder you.

Melody knows what she's saying. You also have 2 former WW'es here who give you the same advice we're all giving you.

Steel yourself for the reality that everything you've been told is a lie. Try to get her passwords somehow. That will lead to the truth.

Setup a computer at your house for when she comes over. Have a keylogger installed. Find a moment to run out to the store, get a long shower, or something to entice her to log on while you're occupied or out. Odds are she won't be able to resist.

That will give you her password and you can explore for yourself after that.

The key is that you NOT reveal that you know the truth. Play the cards close to your chest.

I LOVE IT!! Why didn't I think of it! Say that you have to get a couple things from the grocery store and you'll be back in 30 min...help is right! WW wont resist it, I know I wouldn't be able to resist it...knowing that I can get on FB for 30 min while husband is gone?? OH YA!!

GREAT IDEA help!

I've considered this - but she has an iPhone, so I don't think she'd use the home PC.

I think I'm going to unplug the router so that she won't be able to use her laptop at the house.

It may or may not work, but it is worth a try.

let me give you my take, here: your wife is behaving like an addict in the sense that she is indulging a destructive weakness at the expense of her family, she can't seem to stop herself, she's rationalizing (w/ the support of her MC) that it's just something she enjoys and that it's not necessarily a bad thing, she's altered her lifestyle to accommodate her new habit...you follow?

if one can be said to be addicted to attention, ok, she's an addict. but let's not pathologize bad behavior. it's not an addiction, it's a VICE.

if we can stay with the addiction analogy with the understanding that it's an ANALOGY, not a legitimate addiction, let me say this:
she's going to need your help to stop.

you've gotten excellent advice from the vets, and it sounds like you're moving in a good direction--i'm glad you've outlined some concrete requirements for transparency, etc. keep us up to date, NG; stay strong and stay nice!

Or you can make sure that the computer is on ready to use, usually the computer is a lot easier to use then an iphone, you can do a lot more.

If you unplug the router will she still be able to use your computer if you all of a sudden have to step out? So she can use your computer?

Niceguy, Niceguy, Niceguy...Oh, oh, oh...Really man? Really?

Everyone here is on your side, but let's look at the situation as it stands and think about some things, okay?

Why in the world would your wife WANT to change her current situation?

She has money to do whatever she pleases!

She can see her children whenever she pleases - at HER convenience - basically they are like grandchildren to her - she can love them and then give 'em back when they start to be a bother of any sort!

When she wants sex you are there to oblige!

She answers to NO ONE! Doesn't feel like cleaning or cooking? No worries! She doesn't have to!

She can go to the bar and party it up with no worrying about dealing with any pesky responsibilities of tomorrow! If she's hungover, so what? She can just sleep all day!

Seriously, she is pretty much living the life of a college student, only she doesn't even have to worry about studying! Why on earth would she want that to end? WHO WOULD?

I'm just waiting for the little guy to show up shouting "De plane, de plane!" She's on FANTASY ISLAND, man!!!

Niceguy, ever heard the saying "If you change nothing, nothing changes"???? It applies here, BIG TIME...

Your wife needs a WAKE-UP CALL - YESTERDAY!!!

You have the power to give it to her - will you please do so? If you won't man-up for yourself, will you please do it for your children? They NEED you to...

Yes, this means cutting off financial support...That is what MUST happen...I understand that you are scared, but courage doesn't just come to you while you sit and wait - COURAGE IS IN THE DOING...You must ACT - it is in the acting that you will find courage...

What would you do if you were not afraid?

Mrs. W

P.S. You won't like me one bit for pointing this out, Niceguy, but it needs to be said~~~> Women don't love men that they don't respect - You are being her PATSY - She does NOT respect you for it AT ALL - Stand up to her and be a MAN - Sure, she will be MAD at you at first, but by gosh, she will start to RESPECT YOU - which is the only way she'll be able to love you again...Stop letting her run all over you - It is NOT attractive!

He is actually working on that right now, he has already mad a new account for him and only him, changing all the passwords to everything, and switching all the bills to HIS account so he can take his name off their "JOINT" account, he is also taking half that money and sticking it into his new one.

The only thing that sucks is by the time all the bills cycle through to his new account it will be at least a month! He is only transferring the bills him and his children NEED, suck as mortgage, his phone bill, etc.

I understand, Sapphire - I have read the thread...I think he should cut it ALL off...NOW...

Half measures will avail him nothing...

I understand that his worry is that his wife will go and file for divorce if he does this - Personally I doubt that - She isn't exactly one who is in to taking any sort of action lately - but so what if she does? First of all, FILING for divorce is NOT the same as getting a divorce, and secondly, something - ANYTHING needs to change at this point...

Mrs. W

In other words, throwing cotton balls at a crocodile is an exercise in futility...

Mrs. W

I missed that.

Niceguy, is that true? Is this the reason you are reluctant to cut off financial support for her lifestyle?

First off - removing the router will not affect the home computer. Given the small amount of effort it would take, I may install the keylogger. However, she is an expert at using her phone and I know she has a Facebook App that she uses all the time. I'm guessing she would still use her iPhone, but I've got nothing to lose with the keylogger.

MrsWondering - I understand your advice. It is hard to hear, but it's also dead on and constructive. The only thing I can say - and I'm sure it won't fly around here - is that regardless of this wonderful situation that you've outlined above, I truly believe my wife is very unhappy. Yes - in many ways she's got it made, but she has no direction or meaning in her life and she's simply trying to fill this hole with "feel good now" stuff that just doesn't last.

It will be hard for me to let her bottom out, even though I'm beginning to believe that this is probably what needs to happen.

Financing her lifestyle:

First of all, I have what might be an irrational fear of lawyers. Never worked with one or needed one - I imagine a lot of expense for little or no real help.

What I'm struggling with is that we have a decent "liquid" savings that we've built together. I am "supplementing" her lifestyle, but wouldn't say that I'm financing it.

Once again, maybe I'm being too "Nice", but if this were a divorce, a judge would say she's entitled to half of what we own. Using this logic (maybe a mistake), I'm trying to figure out how much is truly mine, hers and ours.

My statement was that if she suddenly withdrew any large amounts that I would need to contact an attorney and in all fairness would expect her to do the same.

Long story short - I'm trying to be financially fair to someone I've been married to for 15 years. Not all of that money is mine. And I fear attorney's fees much more than I fear divorce at this point.

That's how I interpreted it, markos - I could be wrong - I believe his reasoning is that what is in the joint acct is half hers anyway - and that a judge would divide it evenly anyway - I say, SO WHAT? Right now, a judge is NOT involved - Personally, I'd figure out a way to make that liquid cash not so liquid - not my area of expertise, but I'm sure that Mr. W could help Niceguy with ideas about that if he'd like - Tax Attorneys are known for having some pretty creative ideas when it comes to finances yanno...

The way I see it is that any money in the joint account is for the benefit of the FAMILY - not for an individual that is doing all that she can to undermine the family...

She wants all the benefits of being married combined with the single life - Nah Uh, Sister - Sorry, life doesn't work that way...

Mrs. W

this is important

...don't leave ONE HALF of the money in the joint account

if you have 2 children...you leave 25%
if you have 3 children...you leave 20%

That's FAMILY money and each person is entitled to their percentage. You aren't SPENDING the money only moving it to protect it from her wayward out of hand spending and entitlement.


Remember...it's YOUR money in the joint account. You COULD legally take/move all of it....ONE HUNDRED PERCENT and so can she. The only reason you take LESS is to avoid a bad impression should you ever have to defend moving the money in a divorce hearing of some sort. If it gets that far...her attorney will attempt to make you look vindictive and shady for ABSCONDING with the money. If you have a clear and logically reasoning that you express calmly along with VERY GOOD ACCOUNTING, you'll be able to defend just about any amount you MOVE/PROTECT (NOT take) within reason.

I think you have two kids....move 75%.

Mr. Wondering

Niceguy, I have no doubt that you are 100% right about your wife not being happy! I completely agree! Happiness comes as a result of DOING GOOD, and clearly that is not what your wife is doing right now - FEELINGS FOLLOW ACTIONS...Not the other way around...She will begin to feel good when she does good, but she needs your help to get the ball rolling...

A crack addict lying on the floor of a crack den isn't happy either, but they will not choose what is right and good for them on their own - they need help with that - they need a LEADER, not an enabler...

Niceguy, I don't know if you are a Christian man or not, but if you are, please know that you are charged with being the LEADER of your household - LEAD MAN, LEAD...Further, as a married couple the two of you are ONE - This is spiritual warfare - Do you think that means that only your wife is under assault? NO, it does not - YOU are too - and the way it's working on you is to paralyze you with fear, rendering you impotent - STAND UP, Good sir - YOU CAN DO THIS...ACT...LEAD...

Be the HERO...

Mrs. W

I'd listen to Mr. W [my husband] regarding the finances - he is an attorney [tax]...

Mrs. W

I actually agree with this! You need to count the kids, you are their support not your wife.

And ANY judge will say the same thing!! Who ever has the kids gets the MOST of the $$ to support their kids.