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Originally Posted by TomOlympus
Yah, I just noticed based on many negative responses that my opinion/perspective as a married person does not seem to matter.

But...you aren't a HAPPILY married person smile

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Yes and no, but regardless it doesn't change the experiences that I have gone through either. To me, relating to experiences is significant to understanding them.
And happily married at the moment, no...but know what I need for it to get there, yes.

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Tom, go back and reread it. Relating means saying, "I feel that way, too. Here is how my situation is similar." Instead, you were discounting her feelings:

"If you are happy in every other way in your marriage, I am not sure why you would want to throw in the towel after 15 years because of only having sex once a month."

"After 15 years of marriage if it is still at once a month, I think I will be quite pleased with that."

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If a man on here said to you, "My wife doesn't work but she meets all of my other needs most of the time so I don't mind," and, "I'd be quite pleased if my wife worked part-time" would you find that helpful?

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Seriously, after 15 years of marriage I will be about 40.
Sex once a month at 40 with kids, that would seem to be a monthly special bonus sent from above. Though I can understand that if that is how it has been for many years, then they might feel like they missed out on something.

As for the other comment, kids are involved. Love is obviously still there. If you are in your 40's, have kids, love your spouse, and everything else is fine, I don't see that as something you walk away from.

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I like what you are trying to do, but I do not see them as the same. Also, how many sane husbands would say that unless they made enough money to support the both of them.


If in life you cant pay your bills, then you are either on the street, living with a relative, or a friend.

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I am 40, been married a decade and have four kids, and I like my sex about 3x a week.

How old are you, Tom?

Sex is NEVER a 'bonus from above'...it is a core of intimacy in a marriage.

Trucks. Those are bonuses from above, and have absolutely nothing to do with intimacy. smile



Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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Actually, there are men who would consider the obligation to get bills paid theirs, and theirs alone in a marriage. Just because you think it, doesn't mean every normal, sane person does or should, too. You may consider it old fashioned, others might consider it gentlemanly or a necessary route to being able to have children.

There are plenty of men who leave women because they are not getting enough SF. Is it easier to think about it in reverse?

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It baffles me that you have sex 3x a week. It took all we had to force that to happen when we were trying to get pregnant.

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Originally Posted by TomOlympus
If in life you cant pay your bills, then you are either on the street, living with a relative, or a friend.

You're looking at this skewed. You are a man and you should be able to support yourself. If you are unable, then you GET able. Maybe teaching isn't the right job for you if you have more of an upper-management taste for your standard of living.

You, Tom, can either bring your standard of living down to fit your income, or make the changes needed to bring your income up to your standard of living.


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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Originally Posted by TomOlympus
28

It baffles me that you have sex 3x a week. It took all we had to force that to happen when we were trying to get pregnant.

So you also have a lack of sex in your marriage? If you are both okay with the frequency, then it is not a problem. Is one of you dissatisfied?


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
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You obviously do not understand having a teachers salary. I have many teacher friends who struggle to pay the bills. I know very few single teachers who are able to live alone and support themselves with mainly the basics. Most single teachers I know, live with a roomate to offset the bills.
I do not have a high standard of living by any means. Anyone who knows me would attest to that. I am quite often considered frugal or cheap when it comes to money.

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I know that she would like to have sex more often. Ideally I could see maybe as often as once a week. But I also do not see having the desire for that in this situation. So instead, I take what it is and say for now that is good enough.

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Plenty of people make less money than you and make ends met. If you can't make ends meet, you can sell the house, buy cheaper groceries, sell your truck and get a beater, get a roommate, mow lawns, stop taking classes, etc. However, if may be the case that you will only be happy in your marriage if you wife contributes to finances and that is okay.

It is not a situation where the only answer is that your wife must work full-time and make a teacher salary or higher, there are many possible solutions. You and your wife need to work together to find the one that you can both be happy with.

Last edited by Nomader; 06/22/10 06:50 PM.
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I have to ask if you are actually reading the info on this site or any of the books. Because if you are you KNOW that all EN's are equally important. That just because YOU view certain EN's as more or less important doesn't mean that is universal. So yes, going without FS when it is your top need and going without SF when it is your top need ARE the same. Emotional Needs are not the food, clothing, and shelter type needs. They are the EN's needed to be in love according to MB. It is fine to read threads and vent if you need to, but NOT reading and using the info on here is really a shame.

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So find your happiness in your choice of careers and quityerbellyaching about money. You knew this when you chose the career, right? Did you know that you were setting yourself up for a life where you would be unable to be financially independent?

I know several teachers, and am familiar with the income levels. Many years ago I ran into a girl I went to high school with...she was in her eighth year of teaching 'special ed' (I know there's a more PC term now, can't think of it) at the secondary level, and I was earning TWICE what she was earning, working four nights a week as a bartender.

You don't choose low-income careers and then complain about money. If money is important, make money. If teaching is important, teach. If teaching is important, and money is important, write books and hold seminars. smile


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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Originally Posted by TomOlympus
I like what you are trying to do, but I do not see them as the same. Also, how many sane husbands would say that unless they made enough money to support the both of them.


If in life you cant pay your bills, then you are either on the street, living with a relative, or a friend.

We have friends in that situation. The husband is a (young, very poorly paid) teacher who totally believes that his wife should be able stay home with their young kids. He drives a 20 year old beat up truck with no A/C in the desert...well, when he is not riding his bike to school. Oh, he also works a second job in the evenings/weekends. SF is one of his top needs (I am very close to his wife :))

That shouldn't mean squat to you! Everyone is different. My husband would divorce me this second if he didn't have faith that he would be having SF multiple times a week at age 40. Marriage Builders is about getting your needs met and meeting your spouses needs. If you don't get your needs met you are unhappy with your marriage, it's easier to get your needs met when your spouse is in love with you. You can increase your spouses love for you by meeting his/her needs and so on.

You aren't getting your needs met. You need FS from your wife. She isn't providing it and that makes you unhappy. Just because there are plenty of guys that are willing to work two jobs, drive old cars and live in small homes so that their wife can stay home, doesn't mean you have to be happy with that, right?

People here are wise. They aren't discounting your feelings. I could stay in a marriage that only involved SF once a month too. That doesn't mean anything to someone who's top need is SF. Ya know? We can learn to empathize with people who have different needs...and that is good practice for empathizing with a spouse with different needs. That is one of the reasons I come here. It is so helpful for me to read about how someone feels when the need for SF goes unmet...since I will possibly NEVER know what that feels like, and it has hurt my H a lot.

Last edited by wannatry; 06/22/10 06:49 PM.
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Thank you for the explosion of what I am doing wrong once again. I would just like to state that I have been very resepctful in here of other people.

1. Luri- yes I have read the material here on this site. Do I think that some of it is good? Yes. Have I bought into all of it at this point? No.
2. Nomad- If I were to do those things you suggested, I would not be anywhere near happiness.
3. CW- oh man you. I don't really enjoy my job, I do it because it is what I am qualified to do at this point in my life. When I have the money I will go back to school for something else (have been in the process of figuring out exactly what for the past couple of years, getting closer). Until then, I do this job because it pays the bills. It does not make a lot, it pays the bills.
And it is reffered to as special ed. or sped or resource.

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Originally Posted by Nomader
If a man on here said to you, "My wife doesn't work but she meets all of my other needs most of the time so I don't mind," and, "I'd be quite pleased if my wife worked part-time" would you find that helpful?

Yes, my wife doesn't work outside the home at all, by I refrained from saying that to you, Tom, because it doesn't help you apply Marriage Builders to your marriage to get what you need. I could tell you about my marriage for a long time, but it's not the kind of marriage you are looking for, so it doesn't help you.

What will help you is the Marriage Builders concepts.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by TomOlympus
Seriously, after 15 years of marriage I will be about 40.
Sex once a month at 40 with kids, that would seem to be a monthly special bonus sent from above.

My dad gave me "the talk" in his mid forties (I was 8 or so). At that time, he told me that about 2-3 times a week for married people was normal.

Would you like sex more often in your marriage, Tom?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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