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And big blow up was last night. Still very fresh in both memories. Gotta be careful with the LBs. You can undo everything good you have been doing in 1 night of LBing.[/quote] I'm afraid that's what has happened, Yeg. Not even sure if I can "go back" and fix it by putting Plan A into place (hopefully right way this time). Not sure he will let me. I'm afraid that I WAS sticking to the plan, took a sharp left and ended up somewhere totally different than was intended. Can we get back on track with the plan after I screwed it up so bad?
BS(me)43
WS(him)35
Married 7 yrs (together 10)
No children together; 20yo & 15yo ds (mine), 14yo dd (his)
D day: 05/11/10
NC not established
Status: headed for D and takin' care of me
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Yes I agree you need to make sure that your plan A is perfect before going into plan B, one of the things that people do to help them in plan A is meds, not sure if you have thought about it, but it is common for the BS get very depressed, and angry, (wich is TOTALLY UNDERSTANDABLE!) but in order to go into plan B you need a steller plan A. And if meds can help you do that, then I suggest you talk to your dr. and see if he can prescribe you something with all the anxiety, and calming your nerves. I know my husband told me, if his plan A was just a week longer he would have called his doc and he lasted almost 2 months.  Not sure if this helps, but it's worth a shot.
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If I am supposed to be in Plan A, how do I reestablish that after the "big blow up"? Do I wait for him to break contact, do I try to apologize and get it back on track? Please help! I don't know what to do!!
BS(me)43
WS(him)35
Married 7 yrs (together 10)
No children together; 20yo & 15yo ds (mine), 14yo dd (his)
D day: 05/11/10
NC not established
Status: headed for D and takin' care of me
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Do not apologize! EVER!! All you have to do is start your plan A, that is all, no explanations, nothing, and if he brings it up say. "Right now is not the time to talk about that, want a bowl of ice cream?" No recovery talk No A talk No LB No AO Fulfill his EN's (even if it is so hard, fake it till you make it) Give him compliments (even if you want to throw up) Give him attention Just restart your plan A, that is all you have to do Give your plan A at least 3-4 weeks, I know it will be hard, that is why I mentioned getting some meds to calm your nerves and depression, there was a lady here that literally slit her wrists, so do not be embarrassed about taking them, we ALL understand! We just want you to do your best and we all know YOU CAN DO THIS!!
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Yes, apologize and try to get it back on track. When you apologize don't use the word "but"-- it just negates everything you said before saying "but". Understand? Just try something like I am so sorry I blew it yesterday. I hope you will forgive me. Then wait awhile and start reaching out to him with short and sweet, flirty, text messages, no relationship talk! Use something like, "hope you have a great day today!", "keep smiling, things will get better", etc.
Say nothing about your relationship. A funny text I've used before is, "I just heard the aliens have landed and they're abducting all the beautiful, sexy people, I'm gonna miss you!" With that one, he won't know if you're talking about you or him.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Yes, apologize and try to get it back on track. When you apologize don't use the word "but"-- it just negates everything you said before saying "but". Understand? Just try something like I am so sorry I blew it yesterday. I hope you will forgive me. Then wait awhile and start reaching out to him with short and sweet, flirty, text messages, no relationship talk! Use something like, "hope you have a great day today!", "keep smiling, things will get better", etc.
Say nothing about your relationship. A funny text I've used before is, "I just heard the aliens have landed and they're abducting all the beautiful, sexy people, I'm gonna miss you!" With that one, he won't know if you're talking about you or him. All apologizing does is just another justification that what he is doing is RIGHT! Is that what you want? Of course you blew up! He is CHEATING!! Of course you are angry! He is sleeping with another woman! Does that mean you have to apologize? "Oh i'm sorry I blew up, I didn't' mean to, I mean you can sleep with all the woman in the world, its ok with me." That is what he will be hearing if you Apologize, is that what you want?
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Yes she has every reason to be angry and hurt, so does every other BS here that is in Plan A, but the thing is in Plan A, you don't REACT to that hurt... you don't LB (which is what she did). She's not apologizing for her feelings, she's apologizing for the way she reacted. It IS okay to express her hurt but not to LB when she's doing it. An apology is in order here IMHO, not for her feelings, but for her reaction.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Here's what Dr. Harley says specifically about Plan A: So, then, what is plan A and plan B?
Plan A is for the betrayed spouse to negotiate with the wayward spouse to totally separate from the lover without angry outbursts , disrespect, and demands. These three Love Busters not only ruin any effort to reach a negotiated settlement, but they also make the betrayed spouse much less attractive to the wayward spouse.
Instead of encouraging total separation from the lover, the anger, disrespect and demands of the betrayed spouse make the lover appear to be the only one who truly cares about the wayward spouse. They literally throw the wayward spouse into the arms of the lover.
On the other hand, if the betrayed spouse approaches the wayward spouse with respect and thoughtfulness, the cruelty and self-indulgence of the affair is much easier for the wayward spouse to understand. And once the wayward spouse's mistake is acknowledged, it's much easier for him or her to take the first step toward recovery by agreeing to never see or talk to the lover again.
Last edited by princessmeggy; 06/24/10 10:56 AM. Reason: shorten relevant info
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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All is NOT lost.
1. Control yourself.
2. Yes, apologize for losing self control. Do not add " But, you made me" tagged on the end of your apology.
3. Restart plan A. Without angry outbursts. Come to the forum to vent your anger.
4. Start writing your Plan B letter, because your tank is almost completely empty.
5. Educate yourself about the laws concerning separation, child and spousal support in your area.
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All is NOT lost.
1. Control yourself.
2. Yes, apologize for losing self control. Do not add " But, you made me" tagged on the end of your apology.
3. Restart plan A. Without angry outbursts. Come to the forum to vent your anger.
4. Start writing your Plan B letter, because your tank is almost completely empty.
5. Educate yourself about the laws concerning separation, child and spousal support in your area. 6. And order and read "Surviving an Affair" pronto!
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Redz to WH:
"I lost self control and I behaved badly. I apologize for that."
That's it.
The apology is then done.
No explanation.
No "butts".
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Until you get SAA book ..... http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2296184#Post2296184Link to some fast plan A info. This quotes only the beginning .... Read the entire link to get you back on track!  The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A
The carrot of Plan A
Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.
Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.
Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.
Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.
Stop lovebusting behaviors.
Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.
Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.
Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.
Offering forgiveness and understanding.
The stick of Plan A
Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.
Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.
Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.
Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.
Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.
Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.
Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.
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"Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way."
Kind yet direct needs no apology.
PLAN A:
"you are hurting me badly with this adultery"
NOT PLAN A:
"you are a cheating lying [censored] and so is skankazella"
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Redz
One of the reasons you need to control yourself in both planS A & B is, you will need this level of SELF CONTROL should your marriage ever make it to recovery.
Recovery is WAYYYYYYYYY more difficult than you can imagine.
You are learning new skills with self control NOW that will serve you in the future.
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Book is on the way..should be here tomorrow. Texted "I'm sorry", he texted "what?", I didn't reply. No insurance until middle of next month, so not sure about meds at this point. Trying to read and think logically.
BS(me)43
WS(him)35
Married 7 yrs (together 10)
No children together; 20yo & 15yo ds (mine), 14yo dd (his)
D day: 05/11/10
NC not established
Status: headed for D and takin' care of me
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I am no expert I am in my own drama filled relationship as well but I wanted to lend some virtual support. Hang in there.
Me-32-FWW/Him-35-CWH
DD/PA-3/10
Expo-6/16/10
PC-7/16/10-9/25/10
Moved out 8/12/10
PLAN B-9/25/10 A light shade of Gray.
"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, " I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes" Eleanor Roosevelt
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Reds, listen to the advice you are getting. You can't move to Plan B after having such a big AO. Even a couple days of a good Plan A would be better than nothing.
I love the texting advice PM gave you. My H had also moved out after dday and I conducted part of my Plan A over the phone and via texting.
When you feel a AO coming on while in contact with your WH, have an exit strategy ~ go run an errand or jump in the shower, do a chore. I had to do this constantly during my plan A so that I could control the AOs.
Oh, and no more following your WH over to OW's house!
You can do this!
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This is incorrect. Status: Plan B started 06/21/10(?) You are NOT in plan B. Please change this. What you did when you lost self control was what we refer to here as
Plan FU
You can choose plan Fyou at any time, just don't call it plan B.
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Yes, you are not in Plan B?!
Also please don't tell your WH about this site, the plans, the fact that you intend to go NC with him soon, etc. Keep all of this to yourself...
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