Hello everyone, I am writing this in the hopes that I can give some insight into the minds of the children that are affected by their parent�s affairs when they are not told the truth (ie no exposure).

Some quick background:
Me � 25
DH � 26
Married � 2 years
Found MB in 2005 and realized it would help me build a strong relationship with my future husband and have since been following its principals and following stories on the boards for more insight. I also seemed to have a strange connection to it as my story below will point out.

So the long and short of it is my Dad had an affair (since ended). I have finally been able to glean bits and pieces from other relatives and have managed to come up with mostly the whole picture. My Dad began a PA shortly after I left for college and then ended it when my Mom discovered it around April of 2005. Even though I was not living at home I knew something was very very wrong. My Mom was constantly crying, my Dad was distant and my 10 year old sister was calling me every other day just saying that things were not happy at our house. But whenever I asked what was wrong I was met with anger or tears.

I began to blame myself for my parent�s marriage issues. I thought that maybe it was me going to college (that they had saved $ for me) that was causing issues, or that maybe it was just me being such a nasty teenager that had caused stress in the marriage for years that finally was making it crack.

I think in my heart I always knew that my Dad had cheated on my Mom. Perhaps it was a 6th sense but I just felt it and maybe that is why I found such comfort in MB and Dr Harley�s radio program that I listened to daily. I even talked to my DH about it many times. About 2 months ago a close relative that is currently having issues with my parents spilled the beans. She told me about the affair and I have to say it was an odd feeling of relief, anger and sadness. I was happy that I was not the cause of my parent�s issues, I was mad that I never got to confront my Dad about this and I was sad that I wasn�t able to help my Mom through this horrible time in her life.

When I did talk to my Mom about this she started screaming and crying and forbid me to talk about this with anyone. The only reason I am doing this here is because of the anonymity. This left me even more confused, in the last 3 years I have never seen my parents so happy, so I have to assume that their recovery is very going very successfully. But also fear that my Mom may have set herself up for future issues since nobody except this other close family member seems to know the details (and not very many at that) to this affair.

I don�t mean to preach here but when reading many threads I have noticed it seems to be a reoccurring theme that people don�t want to tell their children. I am just offering my story as maybe a view into how we feel.

The other thing that I am hoping for is maybe some advise on how I should handle this now... Having never been where my Mom is do I leave this alone? Do I try to talk to her more? I don't want to hurt her but I am just very confused... Thank you so much for reading.

Faith, I am sorry your parents lied to you. I would not suggest bringing this up to her again. She is recovering now and bringing it up triggers her terribly.

I was lied to starting at age 4 about my fathers affairs. I was introduced to an OW at age 4 and taught that wrong is right. Kids instinctively know right from wrong and when adults teach them that wrong is right, they become morally confused and learn to not trust their instincts. That is what happened to me. I concluded early on that I was a stupid girl and grew up morally retarded, groping around in mass confusion.

When my serial cheater father died in 2006, his "girlfriend," Judy, brought me a picture and asked me to display it at his wake. [she showed up on the scene in the last 5 years of his life and I was always puzzled how a terminally ill man could get a girlfriend] I told Judy to set the picture on the table and I would look at it later.

When I looked at the picture it was of she and my Dad in 1979. My father had been married to 5 other women since 1979 so I went to his 1979 x-wife [who was in town for the funeral] and asked her how it was that Judy had a picture of them together from 1979.

Her answer stunned me: "honey, that was your daddy's mistress for 35 years."

By that time, the obituary had been submitted to the paper and the last line said "Survivors include: his mother,xxxx; four daughters, xxxxx; one son, xxxx; one brother, xxx; five grandchildren; and his long time friend, Judy xx.

I unwittingly included his lifelong mistress in his obit, giving her equal billing with his children, grandchildren and his mother. I was sick when I found out.

Faith, most people here do tell their children. That is Dr Harleys advice and that is what we promote.

I appreciate you taking the time to post this because it does underline the imporatance of telling the kids.

Hi MelodyLane,

Ohhh I am so sorry for you and the situation that your Father put you in. I can't even imagine...

Thank you so much for validating that I was lied too. I had felt that way but my Mom just kept telling me "it was none of my buisness." Uggg... I wish that she could understand how hard it was on me as well, but that I didn't know what I was feeling so terrible about. I also am so angry at my Dad for not telling me. I almost feel now that he got off without anger he deserved.

Thank you for the advice for my Mom, I would hate to bring her more pain and because of that I will not bring it up to her. Thankfully my husband has been here for me every step of the way. In some ways it is actually a good thing that we know because we have started following the MB way even stronger because we NEVER want to be in this situation...

I am also very happy to know that most people do tell their kids. I guess I am living proof why it is so important...

I discovered my mother's adultery on my own, as in her fogged out wayward brain she had no finesse in hiding it at all. She offered a couple of transparent lies to me before deciding to just act like everything was okay.

So I left. We had a couple more reconciliation attempts before it became apparent she didn't value me at all and reconciling was incredibly painful. So I left permanently, and have never regretted it.

I am so thankful I knew the truth, and so thankful the law let me get away with making my own decision.

F and T,

I think that many parents believe that children do not need to know if the marriage is being reconciled.

Exposure is absolutely necessary to kill an affair. So if the affair were being continued, your mom might need to tell you and the rest of the family in order to help stop the affair.

However, it might be that once she discovered the affair, your Dad was willing to stop the affair, send a letter of no contact, and was willing to do the work necessary to reconstruct the marriage.

You say they seem happy now. It may very well be that he did in fact stop the affair once it was confronted - without full-blown exposure. It happened in my case, and does happen often enough. My kids do not know about my husband's most recent affair, and there isn't any reason for us to expose it to them. We have reconstructed our marriage, and things are going well.

As for your idea that your leaving for school had anything to do with his having an affair?


VETO that idea.

Your dad had an affair because he made a very bad choice, was selfish, and felt entitled. It had nothing to do with you, and believe me, you were the last person he would blame.


SB

hi faith, it is helpful for me hearing from a child of an affair parent....I did decide to tell my kids about their fathers affair, i didn't want them to hear from anyone else on the street or a friend that heard the rumor....
You question whether you do the right thing by telling them.....
It has changed their relationship and so far my husband has not had a honest upfront conversation with them about it.......other than to say your mother and I weren't getting along.....like that is an excuse for an affair......
I'm sorry your dad wasn't honest with you and your mother, I'm sure she has lived a life of pain and distrust and embarrassment. If you ever have an opportunity to clear the air with your mom about the affair and your father, you should, she is still probably putting pressure on herself to keep it a secret, letting it out might be freedom for her in a sense.....
I'm hoping my sons can one day look at their dad again with respect and not immediately go to the affair he had and the hurt he caused the family with all this......glad you found this site and are working to be a better person and partner...

schoolbus,

Thank you so much for your "veto" It was such a hard time because there was something obviously very wrong at home but nobody would talk about it.

From what I understand (from the relative) is that my Dad ended it fairly soon after being discovered but then was very foggy for about 1 year, going back and forth as to if he was "happy" or not. I guess he told her at one point that he wouldn't leave because of my sister and I. That was the worst part to hear for me because I felt like my Dad was using me as a tool...

I do hope that they are really happy. I was actually grossed out (like any good kid should be ) when my parents started holding hands and kissing in public about 3 years ago! I just wish I could have helped for that year that it was so bad...

jessitaylor,

It was terrible hearing it from someone other than my parents, and to this point I am unsure if I am getting all the right information... I hope that someday my Mom or Dad will be willing to talk to me about it. But because it has caused so much pain for my Mom I will put it away for now and just focus on being the best wife I can be. I can't think of any better way to honor my parents, despite their flaws or bad choices.

markos,

It is really amazing how many people are touched by adultry... I am glad that you were able to get away from such a terrible situation.

This is exactly WHY the kids should told. They usually find out anyway and they rarely get the true story, but some bizarre variation.

I came to MB in 2004 after I had a D-day.

My wife and I were active in this forum and I never told any of my five grown children that their mom had an affair.

I think I did it for the following reasons:

1. I was very hurt and wanted to prevent my kids from having similar pain.

2. I was full of shame.

3. My wife was also shameful and she begged me to keep this a secret. My kids always thought my wife was a flawless woman and mother. This near-perfect image was the only thing my wife had. She told me she would consider suicide if her children or parents knew she had an affair.

4. Her OM was not the type of man that would be considered a desirable mate by most women. She wanted to avoid the shame of having to explain others why she choose OM to have an affair.

5. I felt that if I revealed the affair my children and family would push for a divorce and I wanted to save the marriage.

6. I felt pity for my wife. What she had done made no sense and I wanted to help her. I am not sure she could handle the revelation of the affair.

My children knew something was wrong, but never made any direct questions. I assume they suspect there was an affair and they probably think it was me--------since I am a man.

All my kids despise infidelity and they often make derogatory comments about infidels at the dining table. When they speak against adultery I feel sorry for my wife----------I know my wife hurts inside when the kids speak up against infidelity.

Stanley,

At one point shortly after (I am guessing) the affair ended I was just casually chatting with my Mom. I just read about one of the various celebrity affairs and I was telling her how much it made me so mad that I am sure the children of most of these people had to hear that their Mom/Dad was cheating from a magazine. She started crying and I had no idea what I had said to make her so upset. She would hardly talk to me the rest of the day.

I know now that I must have triggered her terribly and I wish I would have been more caring. The main issues that I have with not knowing about the affair is that I never was given the opportunity to 1. be angry with my Dad and 2. forgive him after his hard work becoming a better husband/father.

I hope that your children don't hold anything against you, as you are not the guilty party. I also hope that they are able to come to terms with not knowing what was wrong, some people are very good at that. I have discovered that I am a bit too nosy for my own good so not knowing was killing me for years. I can tell you that for me it was a weight lifted when I found out.

Stan-ley, how do you think your children will feel when they do find out? I don't understand why you think it helps anyone to not tell them. I was furious when I found out the full story. My life was a web of lies at the hands of my parents. It didn't make me happy to believe an illusion about my father.

Do you realize what you just said? The only reason it would hurt your wife to hear talk of infidelity is if she does not have feelings AGAINST IT. If she does not have feelings against it herself then she is wayward.

A recovered wayward will not hurt when they hear such talk, they will AGREE.

The other quesion I would now ask is how should I act around me Dad? Do I leave it alone all around or do I say something to him?

It is so selfish of me but I would love to know who this POSOW is just so I could pop her in the nose. But I guess that wouldn't be the most moral thing to do...

I would ask your dad about it and tell him how disappointed you are. Ask him who the skankho is so you will know who is the fox in the henhouse. And if you accidentally elbow that skank in the nose, well SORRY!

My father's girlfriend said she had met every one of us kids when we younger. "yore daddy brought you into the savings and loan when you were 15 so I always knew who you were!" Waywards are just crazy enough to drag their kids around their adultery partners.

Faith, another side to this is your dad's behavior AFTER his affair. Has he done everything in his power to redeem himself and make it up to your mother? If so, that says ALOT about his character.

And don't fall for the crap that this is private business. OH NO. Adultery affects the whole family. It is an assault on the whole family.

That is a fear of mine, is that I may have met her and that heaven forbid I may have been NICE to her! Part of me says that my Dad would never do that, but then again I never in a million years thought that he would cheat either.

The worst part about it is too is that I was told that this "lady" was the wife of a friend of my fathers (but that we don't know which friend). Ick ick ick! I am just praying that they had the sense to tell the poor man who happens to be married to her.

I don't understand the idea that it is "private" I mean who was at home loving my sister like she deserved when my Dad was off having a good time. I agree in my opinion when someone cheats they cheat on their children as well.

I realized years after the fact my mother had at least one or two APs before the one she finally married. She was doing exactly that; taking me around them. She even took me on dates with them.

I'm sure there were more that I didn't realize or don't remember. And I wish I did know, even though I'd prefer not to even think about her.