Ick, it's like inviting your kids to the crackhouse with you while you shoot up...

I am a FWW, and we did tell our children (then 8 and 10). DH wasn't going to, but DD (10) knew something was wrong. They were both very tense and insecure about this floating stress everywhere. Finally DD figured out it had something to do with Mommy and her guitar/art teacher. She figured out they didn't like each other any more. But there was so much tension and crying and stuff......somehow she got in into her head that I was planning to kill the art/guitar teacher, and she started having nightmares. She didn't tell us for awhile, but finally she woke up late one night crying, and we dragged it out of her. Yes, she was hurt when she found out I had hurt her father and dome things only married people should share. But her nightmares ended. The thing is, kids will usually fill in blanks by either blaming themselves or creating some horrible frightening fantasy in their minds. I wish we hadn't waited those few weeks to tell her.

If someone asked me today at my church or the store if I had had an affair, I wouldn't look forward to talking about it. But I would be honest....because honesty is freeing. Secrets bind us forever.

lurioosi2,

"Honesty is freeing, secrets bid us forever."

Oh I love that quote, please don't be offended if I make it my matra for life now!

Listen, it gets worse. Lets say your mother passed and the OW came to the funeral? That is not uncommon! How could you run her off if you don't know who she is??? She could be coming around you and your family and you wouldn't even know it.

Without knowing who she is, she is free to enter his life again in the future and ingratiate herself into your family. That is what my dad's mistress did.

Oh, she was also pretty unhappy when she finally tried to move one of them in and I did not accept it. Told me I was causing all sorts of problems.

Thank goodness I had a well-grounded dad I could talk to about right and wrong.

Of course, he never faced the issue of whether to tell me or not; I think I found out before he did.

Oh I hadn't even thought of that! That makes me determined to find this wench. My thoughts run to my sister too who may have had more contact without knowing it...

My wife has guilt. She feels awful when the kids talk about the atrocities of infidelity.

The image of a "good wife and mother" is very important for my wife. If my kids discover this secret she would literally die.

In retrospect, I should have informed the kids and could have avoided all the drama of my wife trying to comfort ex OM. after she ended the affair. My children would have been on top of her at all times.

Stanley,

I guess I don't understand why she deserves the protection. I understand the want to be a "good wife and mother." But without the action behind the image isn't it just that? I mean she made the choice to cheat, right?

If my Mom would have told me I also would have made sure that my Dad was accountable. I could have been an ally.

Your daughters would also have known why he logged into their accounts, and then did not say anything.

I can't remember the details of this; I read your story a couple of years ago. Your wife took your daughters to lunch with OM, and asked for his help with a school project. After D Day, he near-enough stalked them online for a while. He also befriended your wife's parents and visited their home for about two years after D Day, and, because of your continued refusal to expose, you could do nothing to stop this.

IN retrospect I should have explained the whole thing to my kids. The stalking by OM was very difficult. I believe this OM had antisocial personality disorder and inability to feel guilt.

He befriended my wife's mother and most members of the family to gather info on my wife. OM came to the funeral too and was a pest. Every once in a while he sends a package to my wife. In one of his notes he stated that he now understands why my wife did not leave the marriage. He feels my wife wanted to protect the kids and that otherwise they would be together.

Thank God this guy is 2500 miles away.

My brother in law thinks OM is a great guy because OM knows how to be charming (even to other men).

Even now?

A couple of years ago, he seemed to have left you alone for about a year. Has he done this again?

Whose funeral? One of your wife's parents? That must have been awful for the family at that time of grief. When was that?

How was he a pest? How did you deal with him?

My impulse was to protect her from public humiliation. I had no desire to expose to the kids so she could suffer more.

I must be hard dealing with the negative comments my kids make about about infidelity. Maybe that is the price she has to pay.

I agree my kids would have been on my side. However, I suspect one of my daughters would have push for a divorce.

My wife came from a family where infidelity was common whereas in my family it was unknown.

Before I married by mother warned me about infidelity because of her family history. I could not tell my own mother about this. I did not want to hear the "I told you so".

It was the funeral of my wife's mother. I left a day earlier because of my work. That is when OM showed up as one of the best friends of the family. This man is very creepy and asked my wife to go out for a coffee in front of all her siblings and my father in law.

Everyone in my wife's family think this guy is charming. He has the natural charm of person that has learned how to manipulate to get what he wants. He is very good at this.

All my life i felt creepy with folks that were extremely charming however the charm works for some type of people and I guess that is everybody in my wife's family except by father in law who has always suspected this guy is a creep.

It must be difficult for my wife to realize she had an affair with a psycopath. This adds to the fact that she has to sit and hear how my kids put down folks in affairs. They do it so often that I wander if they do it on purpose to see how we react.

He certainly has been good at manipulating you and your wife for the past several years. He is able to do things like go to the funeral and publicly ask your wife out because you dare not "out" him.

When was this? And what about the packages? What kinds of things does he send, and when was the last time?

But you are not protecting her. You are adding to the suffering of both of you by your silence. You keep this stalker on the periphery of your marriage by keeping the affair secret. As long as the affair is secret, they are able to resume it at any time.

That will add to her "suffering." And it will add to the suffering of the victim.

Frankly, I expected much better logic from a doctor. How is it you have missed the boat so badly here, Stanley? You are way too smart to have screwed this up so badly.

I actually agree with the concept of exposure for those betrayed spouses that want to stop an ongoing affair. However, my wife promised to stop the affair after d-day.

My wife was motivated to work on the marriage despite the withdrawal after d-day. My wife did a pretty good job in trying to recover the marriage despite all her imperfections (not a put down as no one is perfect).

If she had decided to continue the affair I would have exposed to my children so they could understand why the marriage was ending.

If my wife wants to resume the affair then I divorce her right away. However, IMHO she is not that stupid. Remember, this affair was a mismatch and she will not go there again. Unless she is completely out of her mind and if that is the case I will immediately end the marriage and inform the children. As affairs go this has got to be one of the most stupid affairs in MB.

Exposure is not just for ending affairs. It is for keeping them ended and by telling as many people as possible. The more people who know, the more people to hold them accountable. Harley always recommends exposure regardless of the status of the affair.

You can see that would have been valuable in your situation. Much of your suffering has come from not doing this.

Dr Willard Harley's words to a WW over on the weekend forum, long after her affair had ended:

I actually do not disagree, but I felt shamed. My wife felt awful and wanted to avoid exposure because she saw that as humiliation.

A friend of mine is currently in the aftermath of a D-day and exposure was done instantly without even knowing MB principles. The affair ended right away---------exposure does work.

My wife's OM is a psycopath and she has painfully accepted this. This psycopath will not be deterred by exposure. I have done ROs and the packages arrive every couple of years. The early heavy stalking has subsided and the last episode was the funeral.

Honestly, I am not worried and I actually trust my wife. She would have to be the most stupid person in the planet to restart an affair with a psycopath.

I will admit that at times I am sorry I did not e3xpose to my kids on d-day. They will always wander about what really happened?

I'm curious about the answers, Stanley.