Don't leave your house. Wait to give her the plan B letter once she is gone, but don't leave in the meantime.

My lawyer assures me that since ive filed already leaving wont be held against me. Im not abandoning her since its under a courts supervision.

As far as retaining the house its not really an issue. There is no equity in it and she cant cover the payments.


Here is my dilemma

I will have to serve her the papers well before the temp hearing. At least 10 days. I dont want her to see PB coming so I wanted to start PB prior to her being served. I cant PB and be at the house at the same time.

===================================================

WW actually returned a call today. She was in a pretty good mood. I invited her to do a couple massage with me tomorrow but she declined. She chatted about DD5 a bit. Seemed fairly warm to me for a change. She is going out with a friend tonite. Pretty sure its her old work friend and she is pro BS.

The goal of plan B is not to catch someone by surprise. Just stay in your home for your kids sake and to claim your home as your rightful domain. It doesn't matter if it is a surprise. Plan B is not some grand scheme.

Keep
It
Simple
Stupid

She�ll be expected to work for herself and they will both be expected to get appropriate child care that they either both use or they have individual care.

If she doesn�t work, then YEG�s lawyer can file for voluntary impoverishment.

YEG, I too made the mistake you�re on the path to making. I thought that if I didn�t make the divorce a big fight that it would maximize our chances to get back together. I couldn�t have been more wrong. Once she�s officially divorced she�ll happily continue her waywardness since she has no further obligation to you. All you will have done is made it easier.

Contesting it and making it a fight for both custody and property and putting her on the defense with charges of adultery shows major consequences.

Trust me when I tell you that you will not be �friends� with your WW. As time goes on, your anger towards what she has done will simply grow. You�ll be disgusted over all of this. When the dust settles, the odds are high you�ll feel nothing towards her and she will simply become a person you interact with when you have to in regards to your son.

Do I believe you should have 50/50 custody. Yes. But right now you�re dealing with a fight that is all about appearances. Letting her know that she stands a chance to lose EVERYTHING is a arrow in your quiver to shake her out of her fantasy. That is what filing for the most and throwing her out on her butt is all about. This includes filing for full custody. She must believe you're willing to do this and that there is a chance it could happen!

If it goes down the path of inevitable divorce, then by all means, be Mr. Nice Guy then. But for now this is about the appearance that you will not take things lying down and aren�t going to make it easy.

Your eventual outcome might be an agreement with 50/50. We're dealing with a psychological battle right now and the intent is to shake her out of her fantasy. THAT is why I'm telling you to be Mr. Harda$$. It isn't because I want you to crucify her. It has to do with shaking her awake. The way to do that to a WW is to throw the book at her.

I agree. Even if you have no chance in hell of getting full custody, at least file for it so she thinks it may be a possibility. Afterall, isn't she the one who said she's not even going to get a lawyer? Make her have to scrounge up the money to pay for one or risk losing full custody. If she realizes she's in store for a long, expensive, and drawn out legal battle, she might give in and commit. Your WW seems like a "path of least resistance" type person. She'll always take the easy way out. So if you make working on the marriage the "easy way out," you have a better chance of saving it.

Thanks for the posts guys. Here is what my lawyer told me.

1- Its NOT likely that the judge will order out the child. Especially with the mother not working. Even under these circumstances. This is different from what she led me to believe before.

2- She is saying we can always dismiss this complaint and refile. It wouldnt really hurt me that much in the long run. Once again she was totally against this before. Bleh again.

3- Custody will be a problem. She says its unlikely I will get it even with these character issues. With my shift worker job they will likely see her as the primary care provider.

4- If WW stays in the house there is a good chance they will order me to pay the mortgage to preserve that asset. So ill be paying for the house anyways. Bills she would have to pay for water lights and all that stuff. They could take this into consideration for child support. They could choose to ignore it as well.

All in all NOT what I wanted to hear. Only good news is most likely I got a while longer before I have to serve her or anything. She said if I could get her to agree to leave that it would be much easier for the house stuff.

So ATM im going to keep PAing her. She really isnt that bad to deal with. Just distant. Ill see where it goes.


Maybe it would be better to just drop it and have her file then drag my feet. Force her to do the heavy lifting. Force her to get a lawyer. Go back to the original 6 months of PA timeframe. Or at least till OM is gone from the country.

If she files then she loses any high ground on me going for custody.

Why would custody be that big of an issue. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but your WW isn't even living in your house anymore. Hanging out at the house is not the same thing. When is the last time she spent the night? Seems to me like she voluntarily conceeded the house to you.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I'm not a big fan of your lawyer. You should try and contact Eph525 and consult with his lawyer. He got full custody. I have his contact info. (BTW, he's from the Greenville/Spartanburg area).

She doesnt always go to her parents house. Just sometimes. Other times she goes into her room. I welcome her to stay at the house when she wants to. Last time was 2 or 3 nights ago i think.


I ignored alot of what she said at first since I was fully committed to pa. If I had forced the wife out from the very beginning when the WW offered id been in better shape from a legal standpoint.

Still hoping I dont have to do the divorce thing anyways. I might be painting things worse than they appear. I dont know if she will ever commit to the MB ideals though.

Regardless I really dont feel like rushing into a PB situation. Especially if the conditions arent going to be favorable. Better to just PA till I cant anymore.

Here's my take,

It's a very risky thing to try to mix divorce proceedings with hopes for reconciliation.

To come out with a fair settlement, especially for men, you have to be all business, well prepared, and ready to go the distance. It is now a business deal and you need to take emotions out of it.

Going through the proceedings with hopes of reconciliation keep the emotions in play and soften your position. This will come back to bite you in the end when final settlement is reached.

If you want advice on how to win at the divorce game, I've learned a lot in the last few weeks and can help. But, that advice won't be MB's and it won't help you win your WW back.

This is SPOT ON GENIUS.

I dont want a divorce. The only reason I even filed was it was 2 days after I confronted her and I felt I had too.

I was pushing it now was for the separation agreement and to try to starve her out a bit. Now it looks like that wont happen as well. So im going to stay on the MB bandwagon a bit longer I think.

So is she out of the house?

That does work in your favor.

some nights yes. Some nights no. She is about half and half.

YEG:

Regarding folks that divorce:

For most people divorce comes 2-3 years later----------sometimes much later. Very few divorce shortly after D-day.

Shortly after D-day I was completely paralyzed. I admire the fact that you did so much immediately after D-day. I also admire your tenacity with a WW that is unresponsive.

In any event, I suspect it will be a while before you proceed with the divorce. It must be very hard to initiate so quickly and this situation will play itself out over the next couple of years. Nevertheless, I can tell you that the prognosis is not good and at your age and with the kind of WW you have a divorce is the best solution.

But, what we say is meaningless---------you must go through all the stages and it is very early in the ball game.

So back on plan A.

Guess I never really left it. I never LBed or did anything against it. Just thought I was transitioning earlier than i thought.

Anyhows it went as good as possible. I ran then went home. Called her if she wanted anything. She needed milk for the house so I brought her that and her favorite cookies and some baby corn she likes to eat.

She has apparently been feeling under the weather lately. Didnt know that. Think that may be some of the reasons for her detachment some. Tonite she told me and acted fairly nice towards me. I got some pizza for us. The pizza place screwed up the order though. I ended up overeatting like crazy. It was just so tasty though. Good thing ive been running so much.

Seems genuinely excited about sunday. Ive set it up pretty nice. Im taking us about an hour away for our anniversary. We are going to the art museum there, maybe a choclatier and end up in a fairly upscale resteraunt. I have us reservations for early in the night so we can do it all in one day and drive back that night. She knows where we are eatting but has never been there. I also contacted the resteraunt. I arranged for them to order her a dozen roses for the table. They will give them too her when we get there. Also asked for a nice table with a view of the street. We had a really good time last big date out watching people wander the street. Maybe we can do that again.

We ended up watching an episode of a cooking show we watch together. Overall wasnt an exciting night but was a solid performance.

She ended up leaving just in time. When she told me good night I was getting upset. I didnt show it though. She probably could tell anyways since im not good at being decieving.

While I sat here typing this up the WW actually texted me good night. I thikn thats the first time she has done that in a long time. Im a little shocked.

Anyways maybe all isnt lost. Im sure my perception of how she is gets painted different with whatever mood im in that day. I just hope for a good weekend. Supposedly she is working with her dad tommorow so he might have some info for me tommorow night.

We have both been voicing our frustration over how long it is taking her to make a decision. Maybe the deadline at the end of the month will help. Hopefully she will open up to him some. He claims she is slowly saying more.

If anyone has something Polyanna to say im all ears.

I just felt i HAD to do something. So I made a mistake and went to a lawyer too early I believe. Plan A is affecting her. I just wonder if its enough. She may be jsut too far gone. She may have jsut lost her moral compass for good. If all the positive PAing im doing and her family pressuring her cant help nothing will.


Is it ever good? I guess times when you catch them and they immediatly jump into hysterical bonding ill do anything mode it is. If I thought I could work a better plan B and be more effective id by pushing harder right now. With what I found out from the lawyer though I think I can be more effective and comfortable in PA. At least till she finally makes me cash my chips in.



I just wish i could see 3 years in the future and jump ahead.

I don't think I have posted to you yet but have been following your thread. Every day when I read I feel your pain as I was there. Two separations for us the first was her idea and it was just to have her space to continue her crap. The second I finally had enough and said F-it. But now 1 1/2 years later things could not be better.

When my FWW was trying to decide what she wanted it was because she had something else on the side. I couldn't find anything to prove it was going on but I just felt it in my gut. I confronted the first OM and that was it for him. But she soon found another OM to replace him. The way you say she isn't making a decision makes me think either she is still involved with OM or there is a new one.

Some waywards get a pre-paid cell phone mine used a phone card. I know you have a keylogger but make sure you are digging in her stuff when you have a chance.

Your FIL sounds like a great person to have on your side. Without my FWW families support I dont' think I would have stuck it out.

You are running your plan A great from what I read on here. But I can tell you that my FWW never responded to any of my changes until I would say screw it and be ready to move on. It took me way too long to finally say I am done here unless you make these changes and end all this bullsh*t. Not until then did she finally wake up and see what she was about to lose.

Bottom line is stand up for yourself. If you don't want a divorce fine but let her know that you have had enough of being jerked around. Tell her to get her [censored] home and work on the marriage or you are moving forward with the divorce. Making demands may not be the MB way but I think that is what you need to do here. It worked for me and seems to be the only way to get through to a WW.

I understand what your saying. Its definatly not the MB ways but it may come to that. Right now I believe my best chance is to follow the MB program. People have success when they follow the program. I just dont feel that freelancing is appropriate yet.

Right now im depending on FIL to provide the hard pressure. Im just focusing on PA. If she gives me an answer one way or another that will be an good entry point into new tactics.

Like I said before maybe she has to hit rock bottom. I would just bounce her now but I dont want her to stay in the house. So I gotta get her out first.

Demanding that your spouse ends their affair IS the MB way. Giving an ultimatum is not. Giving your WW a deadline when she needs to make up her mind, is not. Telling her that there is no infinite timeline that you will put up with her crap IS MB. As long as you tell your WW these things without LBing, it IS MB.

DrH has said that there are certain times in a marriage where demands ARE necessary and that in the case of infidelity, that is MOST definitely one.

Yeg, I am glad that you have a solid Plan and that you are executing it to the best of your abilities. I hear a bit of expectation creeping in though. Remember that there is no magic button to push and no magic amount of times to push it. It is not until a WS has become a FWS that they have let their BS know what effected them in Plan A and Plan B.

I think of it the way that children remember their childhood. I remember certain things from my childhood and my siblings remember others. Funny, since we lived in the same house and had most of the same experiences. I make sure to create as many memories for my children that are positive, I don't know what they will remember. Same thing for a WS.

Ive had problems with that. Im getting better though. Partially because im getting frustrated and my declining balance in my LB$ is making me not care as much. Im doing the things that I should do in PA still. I just dont expect them to work as much anymore.

Ive told her those things exactly. She knows that contact with the OM isnt acceptable. SHe insists there is no contact (we know what words are worth) and I cant find any.

What she is claiming she is doing now is figuring out if she has enough love for me left to try recovery. If she has the energy. If she decides she does then she will be willing to talk to steve and stuff.

I truelly hope that I get to have that conversation some day.