I agree. I'm just trying to figure out how I can lessen the "short end of the stick" feeling for my BH.

On a sidenote: I think it's pretty clear (thank you, MBers!) that housewife trumps med school. (Yay!) I think that's what my BH and I have known all along, it's just trying to exhaust all of our possibilities in maximizing happiness post-A.

Thanks for weighing in, Gdar. I think my BH would require a PhD, but I will ask him about Masters options. I'm not sure how much of the goal is for the title as it is for the ultime career position and the credence it would provide.

AW - thank you. I prefer being a housewife/SAHM, and that role is something my BH thinks is highly important, too. I mentioned this just a little earlier, though, and that's that he is the one who brought up the medical school option.

I view this kind of like the part of POJA where we come up with all sorts of crazy options and pick the one we both enthusiastically agree on. So we are considering medical school not as something I want to go back to, but something that's a possibility if it would give my BH more of his love of life back.

Does that make sense? My A took that away from him. We are trying to come up with a solution that gives that back to him while minimizing other stressors. (Obviously the A-prone environment is a HUGE factor, as is the toll on the kids, home life, etc.)

I just don't want to be selfish, either, when I say I don't *want* to do it, so that just means I don't. And BH doesn't *want* to sell his soul to his profession, but, eh, too bad, you're the breadwinner and will take care of it all. Does that make more sense?

Also, AW: Best of luck to your DD with her studies (and travels and family and all of the things it sounds like she has on her plate right now)!

If you work out your finances a bit better, save where you can and become a bit more frugal, perhaps your BH could slow his FASTTRACK down and cut back on how HARD he is working in exchange for a more relaxed lifestyle.

I dunno, there are lots of options when it comes to these things. Keep brainstorming . I don't think it has to be that he even leaves his current job, UNLESS he is expected to work harder and harder and harder in order to KEEP his job.

But you aren't giving him something if it jeopardizes your marriage. You should not create conditions that are likely to result in an affair. That is not giving him anything. That is not just compensation.

If he is uphappy about providing a living for his family, then WHY is that?

huh? So why would you sacrifice your happiness for his? That makes no sense. Your set up is PERFECT, so don't change that! What needs to change is his career. If he is unhappy in his career, then he should focus THERE. But you should not change a thing if that is what makes you happy.

Mrs V,

In my mind this is a no brainer. Not the choice, but how to make the choice. You use the POJA and the police of radical honesty. It really is that simple, it is just not easy.

You don't want to go to med. school, at least that is what you said. Do you realize that over their lifetimes automechanics make more money than most physicans? It is true. Automechanics make good money but more importantly they don't start making good money when they are 40, they start almost 20 years early.

Please explain to me how being gone 10-12 hrs for 3-4 years and in residence on call 24 hours aday is going to help your family. It is not going to help the finances, that is for sure. Further, it is not going to help your H, as he now has the load of debt, tuition, the family and living expenses to handle for at least 6-10 more years.

I think you caught Mel on a slow day, because I KNOW she would be on this "just compensation" idea harder if she were fired up as she usually is. "Just compensation" is about making up for the affair and pain it caused. What your H needs from you is your love, your compassion, and your support. I know this is the reason you posted this, but I think you and your H might want to revisit this. Most men are more than willing to work hard and even work themselves into an early grave, IF their W loves them and respects them for what they are doing. Your A showed how little you respected him.

Your concern for his working long hours as not being good is honorable, but if he went into medicine he would be working long hours. If you go into it you would be working long hours and then how would he go to med school. You two have children.

So my recommendation is that the two of you sit down and really think about the future. Where do you want to be in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years. What do you and he want out of life? What do you want from one another? Where do your priorities lie?

Make lots of money is a good thing, but it comes at a cost. Is the cost too high? Being in academia is good, but it comes at a cost, but it can be boring unless he is into research but if he is, then there is the continual fight for grant money.

Short of winning the lottery, life can be challenging. What makes it worth doing is family, achievement (as defined by you two), and sharing it with someone that cares.

Please use Harley's policies and see what you two can come up with. I am not against you going back to med school, but even if it is something you really desire, it will not take the pressure off of your H or your family.

God Bless,

JL

Mel, thank you. Is it really that simple?

I will share this thread with him tonight. It's more for my benefit, I think, and sorting out a Marriage Builders assessment of the career stuff, so thanks for helping with that everyone!

I don't know who is slow today, JL, but I don't think its me. Just compensation is about AFFAIR PROOFING the marriage and meeting each others emotional needs:

Cant We Just Forgive and Forget?

"I just have this horrible feeling of INjustice about it,"

No injustice. I don't think any husband that made enough money we be upset that his W did not work outside the home.

Good girl! Just keep this principle in mind and you will be successful: the soluition should make you BOTH happy while affair proofing your marriage at the same time. If you ENJOY staying home with the kids, then that should not change.

JL -

As usual, you bring up many good points. And there is no easy answer, is there?

I think your thoughts on "just compensation" are in line with what I believed, but I think this thread stems from my love, compassion, and support not being enough - in other words, what more can I do?

But, as you and others have pointed out, adding more stress and pressures and worries and potential A-recreating situations is NOT going to help.

Hmm, maybe we CAN win the lottery...

Okay, I think I must be the slow one - I reply to one thing and there are three others waiting. Whoops!

I will ask BH about this. Thank you!

I've been deluding myself for the last 2 years. BH is one of those who just cannot stay after there has been infidelity. Not even for the kids. The toll on him is too great.

This has reached a head lately because of these career talks. Right now we are essentially living the life we wanted pre-A, yet it's not enough anymore. The A taints everything.

BH says his needs are met, it's just that the fact of the A can never be changed.

I've been holding on to stubborn, delusional hope, and chose to believe that we could fix this if we just tried hard enough.

I have been selfish in wanting to "keep" BH - not just for the kids, but for me and what I want for us. As he phrased it, he feels like he's not being given the option to leave. I told him, "You do have the option to leave. I just don't want to make it easy for you."

I can't do that anymore. I've been viewing all of these discussions about careers and future options as either #1: keeping me, or #2: pushing me out the door. I think it's actually been #3: partnering to address what's not working w/ the current situation and figuring out a solution that's best for us/the family.

Ugh.

Mine was. He made over 100K a year in a LCOL area and he was continually irritated that I didn't get a job. Even though I was a good SAHM and wife....taking care of everything so that he could further advance his career.

Mrs V.

I don't understand your last post, please expand. Are you saying that your H has not gotten over your A? Or are you saying that he wants to end the marriage?

He has always had the option of leaving as you left him for your A. However, if he is considering leaving, but has not left, then there are many things for you to do using the tools on this site.

No matter it takes on average, according to Harley, for a marriage to heal from an A and within that period there are lots of ups and downs.

Please hang in there.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks for your post, J_L. I get too wordy, so tried to just hit the highlights in my last post.


I think the answers to your questions are both "yes." There will never be any getting over the A - it was too egregious. On depressing days - which are frequent - ending the M is strongly considered. As BH put it, he "just wants his life back."

At the very least, the status quo needs to change. We talked last night. Right now, not sure where things stand.

Mrs. V.,

I have sad news for your H and you for that matter. You don't ever "get your life back". It just does not happen. We are a product of our experiences, our decisions, and decisions we had no part in. All anyone gets is a chance to lead a better life in the future and that is a decision that all of us have to make individually.

I wish my memory was better, but there is a poem Ozzamodius (sp) by Omar Kyham (sp) that ends with something along the lines that the hand have written will never undo what is written. If you are interested I can look it up, but the point is we all get ONE CHANCE at this MOMENT in time and there are no do overs.

You and your H need to really understand this. There are no "I'll make this up to you", there is no "I want my life back", there is simply NOW and the FUTURE. It is up to both of you to make now good, and the future better.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

Mrs V,

While our marriage is now better than it ever was, more satisfying to both of us than at any time in the past and more solidly built on viable and Godly principals than either of us ever imagined in our wildest dreams, it is still one that was nearly destroyed by selfishness and deception and a stubborn desire to undue everything we ever had or will have.

The cost was money, time, anguish and even illness probably brought on by the stress of that time.

What makes it doubly sad is that we could have had what we have now from the very beginning without the affairs and without the tears, sorrow, animosity and lies. We could have had the same dynamic in our marriage without the betrayal, but alas, that betrayal occurred and unfortunately we get no Mulligans in life.

If "ifs and buts" were "candy and nuts" we'd all have a marvelous Christmas...

Mark