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As per the counselor, our kids do not know anything. He actually praised us, that the kids have no clue what is going on. He hopes to help my husband work thru this so the kids can be spared any pain. Your counselor is a naive idiot. ManyMost of them are. Your kids know something is going on.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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As per the counselor, our kids do not know anything. He actually praised us, that the kids have no clue what is going on. He hopes to help my husband work thru this so the kids can be spared any pain. This is very bad advice. Lying to children about the source of tension in the home teaches them dishonesty. Kids can deal with the truth; they can't deal with lies. Children are not made happy by giving them illusions about their parents. Whitewashing the crimes of your H helps no one. It is just another form of enabling. Dr. Harley on telling the children: The same can be said about telling children about an affair. My experience with the positive outcomes of hundreds of families where an affair has been exposed to children has led me to encourage a betrayed spouse not to fear such exposure. In fact, to mislead children, giving other false explanations as to why their parents are not getting along, causes children to be very confused. When they finally discover the truth, it sets an example to children that dishonesty is sometimes acceptable, making them the judge of when that might occur.
An affair is an attack on children as well as the betrayed spouse. And it's true that children are deeply affected by this form of irresponsible behavior. But it's the act of infidelity that causes children to suffer, not the exposure of it. Facts point us toward solutions. Illusion leads us astray. That's true for children as well as adults. Q: So, you do suggest telling our 10 year old son? Is this more than he can handle? He never saw any real unhappiness as my husband and I had a very low conflict marriage. I have been protecting our son from this truth. He still has hope that his dad is going to come home.
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A: As for your son, the truth will come out eventually, even if you get back together again. And your son won't be emotionally crippled if he hears the truth. It's lies and deception that cripple children. He should know that your husband is choosing his lover over his son's mother. It's a fact. He's willing to ruin a family unit all for what.
When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery. The reason that children should know about an affair is that exposing it to the light of day (letting everyone know), helps give the unfaithful spouse a dose of reality. An affair thrives on illusion, and whatever a betrayed spouse can do to eliminate the illusion is justifiable. Mold doesn't grow well in sunlight. here 2. How honest should I be about the A? (they are 7 and under)
Tell your children as much as you can about their father's affair, and how it affects you. There are some counselors and lawyers that strongly disagree with me on this issue, but I have maintained that position for over 35 years without any evidence that children are hurt by it. They're hurt by the affair, not by accurate information regarding the affair. Just make sure that you don't combine accurate information with disrespectful judgments. For example, you can say that the OW has taken their father away from you, but you should not say that she is home-wrecker (or worse). here My basic approach to life is that radical honesty is valuable on many different dimensions. It keeps us out of trouble, it helps others understand us, and it helps others avoid the same mistakes we have made. Letting your children know the details of your husband's affair would help them in all three areas.
The more your children know about your husband's affair, the more careful he will be to avoid them in the future.
The more your children know about his affair, the more they will understand what you are going through in your recovery (by the way, you are doing very well -- keep up the good work!).
Being radically honest about your husband's affair with your children would also help them avoid affairs themselves. How it happened and how could it have been prevented is a great object lesson for children. I learned that I was vulnerable for an affair when I learned about my grandfather's affairs. The extraordinary precautions I've taken were directly related to what I learned about him.
It's the approach I've always taken, and while it's difficult, especially for the WS, there's much more upside to it than downside.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Mel, Don't you wonder just what the hell this thread was all about? Do you ever wonder if this poster was 'for real'? I do. When there is such insistence that they are already fully familiar with MB ("read ALL the books") yet they are so darn resistant to actual MB-based advice ..... what do you make of it? Anyway, I am "bumping" this one before I head off to church. Why? Because this thread contains really good advice and should not be ignored. The title makes me  ..... because "the carrot" is NOT found in any book sold on this site. And, anyone who has actually read my "carrot/stick" thread knows that I don't think a carrot alone is ever a good idea. Have a GREAT DAY everyone !  PS: I opened at this (long forgotten) 2-year-old thread because I could see that someone was reading it.
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Mel,
Don't you wonder just what the hell this thread was all about?
Do you ever wonder if this poster was 'for real'?
I do.
When there is such insistence that they are already fully familiar with MB ("read ALL the books") yet they are so darn resistant to actual MB-based advice ..... what do you make of it? I don't know what it was about, but I have concluded that most people are resistant to MB concepts because they are HARD. Most people are looking for an easier, softer way and are not willing to do anything that is hard. They pore over the concepts looking for loopholes, such as only using the carrot with no stick. That is how I view this thread.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: May 2012
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Hello, Hope you can help... Aug 2010 our then 7 yo son started his 1st season of hockey... I missed the first few months of the season as I am a swim instructor and actually worked through Oct before finally ending my season. I missed all the practices and games that went on during the week. If I was home, I took care of our 1 year old who was very difficult to watch during the games. I was very pleased that my husband seemed happier & happier each week supporting our son in his hockey endeavor, until a woman approached me 1 weekend my husband had to work & I was doing hockey with the 1 year old in tow. She introduced herself; but I really didn't engage her as I had my hands full w both boys. My husband missed 1 week a month due to work & this woman became my shadow during these times. Each time my husband's name came up she would talk about how much she admired him & how masculine he was, etc... She brought expensive toys for our 1 yo, & called & e-mailed me often & my husband often separately. (I found this out as he sometimes forwarded her messages about getting our 7 yo's together, etc). The 1st time I saw "hockey mom" together with my husband she openly gave him a hug, in all our meetings this woman never tried to hug me, (I must have had some puzzled look on my face because this day she immediately, but awkwardly hugged me, too) Then she called me saying she had invited the whole team over to a Christmas party at her house; but, my husband, me & our kids were the only ones there from the team. Then Christmas break... The 1st practice of the new year hubby asked if I was going to stay home w/ the baby as neither of us get to watch much hockey when he is in tow; this gave me pause as he typically encouraged me to go. When he got home, I asked him if he talks to this dad or that one & how were they doing. He said he had not talked to ANY of the dads for some time. YIKES!!! I started going to every practice & game!!! Hockey mom hovered over my hubby & my skin CRAWLED... Finally, hubby had to go into work early 1 day & I took 7 yo to school in his place... 7 yo says, "mom I don't know how to tell you this, but... My 1st practice back at hockey & "hockey mom" jumped into dad's arms yelling happy new year AND when I looked up to see dad during practice he & "hockey mom" were not there." I told him it was no big deal & not to worry  I confronted my husband about his friendship with "hockey mom" & demanded all touching & time sitting alone together cease. He completely lost his temper & I was devastated. In the end, I made it IMPOSSIBLE for them to be alone together, exhausting myself by chasing 1 yo the rest of the season & keeping myself super done up, etc... Finally, hockey mom sent an e-mail saying how unorganized our current rink was & she was moving on to a different one YAY!!! She was no where to be seen last season. We started our summer season 2 weeks ago & all is well; hubby & I are getting along well (our 22nd year together). That is until yesterday, went to dress my son out for his practice (hubby working) only to be faced with HOCKEY MOM AGAIN!!! Open arms, hug, her first words to me "where is "spouse"? & "how is "spouse"? I could have just thrown up. While dressing out our sons she shares with me that her & her husband are now living separately. He got a better paying job at her request in TX; but she could't find a house there in their budget as nice as the house she has here (AZ) so she just couldn't bring herself to move with him Please give me words, advice to get this woman out of my life, hubby's life, son's life or at least management technique's??? Thank you!!!
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Joined: Apr 2001
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Aruba, welcome to Marriage Builders. Please take your post and make a new topic so you are not lost at the bottom of someone else's thread. Click on "new topic" and you can make a new thread. People will see you that way.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Just like Greg and Sue in the book Surviving an Affair.. I'm not sure this will end unless she ends it. Yes but that only happened because John did a proper dark Plan B for a year and a half. It would never have happened if John continued to meet Sues needs as well as Greg. Greg would have remained happy because the relationship would never have endured any pressure. Affairs are a three legged stool which rely on the BS propping them up. 95 per cent end within two years of the BS exposing and making it clear they will end contact. Why are you propping up the affair? I'm curious what you mean by 'can't handle Plan B'. Also are you making it clear that he is headed for divorce and you will not speak to him in any way if he he continues his affair? Right now he thinks he can have you both and is gleeful about that. As per the counselor, our kids do not know anything. He actually praised us, that the kids have no clue what is going on. He hopes to help my husband work thru this so the kids can be spared any pain. Have you really read Surviving an Affair? You would know Gregs departure was mainly prompted by the children knowing he was the OM. I doubt you're saving them pain. Kids aren't stupid. You're merely teaching them that grown ups lie and that they should lie too most people are resistant to MB concepts because they are HARD. Most people are looking for an easier, softer way and are not willing to do anything that is hard. They pore over the concepts looking for loopholes, such as only using the carrot with no stick. That is how I view this thread. I couldn't agree more. Having taken the pain of Plan B on the chin I was upset to see this poster 'couldn't handle it' Its hard, that's just how it is. Choosing to avoid the hard work of expsoure to children Insistence on living under same roof and EPs Insisting on NC Or go into Plan B Yeah its hard, but deal with it. You can't pretend this away by saying the active adulterer with a 20yr old skank is a 'nice guy' Lying to his children so he can still get some! This guy should be well into Plan B by now realising how good he had it and how inadequate the OW is.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Actual OP has been gone a while. New poster on board Indy. 
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Thanks! Still the advice will apply to someone! 
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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