keep exposing the affair, only way to stop it, she will be angry.....tough......
affairs aren't any fun when everyone knows about the adultery and the disrespect.....
no one wants to be seen in that light.....
be the guy she remembers that she fell in love with, even if she doesn't respond....
eventually she will see you as her best option.

I'm going to next chance I get. I already bought it, now just need a chance to install it.

Good for you, install it ASAP!

You're doing good man.

You want to get the exposure done asap so that you can get that phase out of the way. Then after the dust settles you can concentrate on the rest of your plan A.
BTW, you should expose to EVERYONE almost simultaneously - that's what folks here call nuclear exposure. These has the effect of bringing a strong dose of reality to her fantasy land. Don't threat her or give any heads up. Just do it.

In my case, I didn't expose at the right time and ended up dragging the problem for too long. You should expose to her family regardless of her background. That's a consequence of her actions. The more people know about this, the harder it will be for her to fall again. If that means changing your plans of moving, so be it. It is still for the benefit of your family.

Snoop and watch her moves closely. Be prepared to interfere with her Facebook and IM activity. You could block it or try to be close to her when she's using the computer. As long as she's got any type of contact she is not going to withdraw from her addiction.

Listen to the great advise you are receiving. I encourage you to keep learning the MB tools and posting here.

You're fighting a battle for the well being of your family. Stay strong.

--ElCamino72

At this point you don't want to have relationship talks with WW. Keep it at a minimum. Just reply to her crazy reactions that you are doing your best to save your M. Then change subject immediately. She's in a state where you can't reason with her. Don't try to educate her or argue (disrespectful judgements). Any attempt to talk logically will only aleniate her.


Act as a loving and strong husband. Be there for her. You are not fighting against her. You're fighting the A. Try to meet her needs to the best of your abilities. Read as much as possible about plan A and stick to it. This is your time to demonstrate that you can make the changes necessary for a successful M. Don't tell her about what changes you want to do, let your actions do the talking.

--ElCamino72

Don't be afraid to have a man-to-man with this POS again. I am not saying you get into trouble but make it clear that you won't let him get away with messing with your wife. These OMs are typically punks that will run away under pressure. Be careful but don't shy away from drawing the line. You don't need to threaten him but think of this a-hole as a burglar breaking into your home.

--ElCamino72

It's been over a day since an update. I've been trying to act very kind to her fill EN constantly. I may be being a bit too mushy, but I'm not sure. We had a long discussion the night before last about how I want to show her I am fighting for our marriage and will be all she needs, etc. I probably shouldn't have talked so long about it though and just mentioned it and moved on. This came about because I saw her change her passwords the previous night so I wouldn't have access to anything, so I changed some passwords of things so she wouldn't be able to snoop on my snooping. This made her angry and said 'if you trusted me and wanted to be open you wouldn't have changed your passwords'.... I did feel guilty about it and it could've been a LB. But, I explained I want our entire lives to be open but it didn't seem like she wanted to hear it at all. I changed everything back to our normal password on my part, I don't think she's done the same.

So, next morning I get up and get everything ready for leaving the house and taking our child to school. I come back because I did forget something about 15 minutes later and I go in the bedroom and she's on the computer and her 2nd phone rings....yes, it was OM. We obviously argue and I'm a bit upset at first, but I stay calm and tell her how much it is hurting me and that I'm just fighting for our marriage to work and she should not be contacting him. She goes on about how she needs to do this for herself and can't just leave someone hanging without explaining and how it hurts her because she has feelings for him, yada, yada... so I tell her it hurts me but I can't force her to do anything. That being said, she called me after this while at work and said that they did talk and that she told him she won't talk to him or contact him anymore, but I'm not sure. She still hasn't blocked his facebook page and likely not on MSN either, even though I'm pretty positive she isn't contacting him on either one, but just checking his page. The temptation is there if she wants to have access to it. I don't know how to 'enforce' no contact.

I don't have access to her phone records because it's a pay as you go plan and we live in a 3rd world country for the moment. I will install the eblaster as soon as I can get some alone time with her computer. I want to believe her because generally when she makes up her mind to do something she does it.........

want it to work,
just keep snooping and install the eblaster so you can be sure, remember she is in the fog place of the affair right now, she will lie and cover up the truth....
She will want to keep him in the back ground.....
Stick to your guns, tell her that NO CONTACT is the only way to save your marriage. Don' get angry but stay firm.......don't talk a lot about relationship at this point....
Exposure to all the important people in her life.......
Just keep filling her needs, tell her you love her and that you are willing to make the marriage the best it's ever been and that you hope she is willing to do so as well....
Give yourself a timeline on how long you can Plan A and then maybe start a Plan B so she can feel what it would be like without you in her life......sometimes a big jolt of reality needs to take place........

Thanks, Jessi...I do plan on keeping the snooping going and I know she's still in a fog, because she sure is acting like it. I know in some way she will still contact...even checking his Facebook or whatever. In my mind, that is contact even if they aren't communicating. Should I press the issue again of deleting him on her chat list and FB? I know she is already going to say "why, I already TOLD you I wouldn't contact him again" How do I retort on that?

I'm definitely being a loving husband and filling needs. I have a timeline for Plan A in mind and hope it works...I'm thinking the end of the year when we move to another country.

Have you exposed yet to everyone??

If not

WHY NOT???

Expose to the OM family as well, get all of his friends and family from his FB, and start sending out a letter, I know there is a Email/FB message you can copy through this web site.

Have you told your family her family? Friends?

If you haven't then she will not change her behavior

My husband did not expose my first EA, and guess what happened?

2 Months later I found another guy!

No, I have not yet exposed to everyone. I'm just too scared to do that I think. Like I said, she's told me all she needs is an excuse for her dad to tell her to come home (which they can do in their culture) and she would basically have to listen. I don't know if her dad would do that.

The other man doesn't have family here that I know of. She met him in a store where he works and a lot of these guys come here to work from Syria and Lebanon. But, I'll find out and pressure his boss there or something if I suspect anything else. I will keep snooping and if I suspect ANY other contact I'll definitely go with wider exposure and confront OM again, as well. I know exactly when/where he works. I guess I want to give her a chance on what she said about not contacting him again is true or not.

I've told her sister and my mother and one of her good friends, and that is all so far.

you need to expose more!!

If you wont listen then at least READ about it OK??

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2266646#Post2266646

Yes, I know I should...and I have read that...it's just hard hard hard. :-(

My husband told me that it was hard as well, that he believed all the lied I told him, if he DID expose, guess what happened?

I CAME BACK!! The fog lifted, and I wanted HIM! NO one else

He also told me he was soo relieved that everyone knew, it was literally killing him holding onto this secret that was not even HIS!!

Even though you are scared, what are you going to lose?

If you don't expose, then your wife WILL NEVER CHANGE! I know I didn't when wheels didn't expose my 1st EA, 2 months later I found another EA, is that what you want?

OR

When you do expose, the fog will start to lift, and your wife will be accountable of her actions, and reality will hit.

What are you afraid of?

Do you want your M to work? Do you want to start Recovery? The longer you wait the longer for you to finally fix your marriage.

Your choice

Hi WITW,

Yes, you may need to press the issue. Dr. Harley says that an A is one of the few situations where demands are justified. Don�t feel guilty about fighting for your family. When fighting against an A, all bets are off.

As many BH here, I went through a similar situation with Fakebook. When she tells you that she won�t use it for contact, you just tell her that Fakebook usage brings doubts to your marriage and you want it out of your lives. Don�t argue or reason with her about the reasons. You don�t even have to tell her that you want it to stop because of the A or OM. You are asking her to STOP it - end of the argument.

Keep in mind that you are dealing with an addict. They have little control and anything that allows them easy access to their fix is just too much temptation. They aren�t thinking straight so trying to explain her that this is hurting you might not work. She knows that she's hurting you but right know here addiction is more important to her.

She is not going to try to come back from illusion land until ALL contact has been eliminated. That's why you have to battle to establish NC first.

--ElCamino72

How bad do you �want it to work�? Hoping that it will work is not enough in these cases. Your M can survive the consequences of exposure but it won�t survive if you don�t do what�s necessary to stop the A.

It�s normal to be scared. This is a fight so use that adrenaline to your advantage. You have a plan and the A players don�t. That�s a HUGE advantage. Don�t hesitate when it comes to fighting for your family.

Exposure is where the rubber meets the road. It is the single most powerful tool to stop an A. Why wait until she breaks NC again? I hate to say it but it is practically a sure thing that NC is going to be broken.

Can you post what a plan for nuclear exposure would look like in your case?

--ElCamino72

Want_it_to_work,
Here are 2 statements you made in 2 different posts.
and

What exactly happened in the past that she keeps bringing up? Did you have an affair in the past?
Can you give us some back ground about your marriage. How old are you both? How long have you been married? Have either one of you been married before? Do you have any children?

So I installed eblaster and found she had a secret email and secret facebook and he is a 'friend' I immediately called her sister and told her.

However, by snooping on those things I see that she hasnt' made contact with im in 2 days, which is when she did tell me she would stop making contact. She did check the facebook page today, though...

So, what do I do about this...confront her? She'll know I'm snooping on her computer and have something spying on her. Or do I just let her keep doing it and gather evidence for a bigger exposure? I'm thinking on the next contact I expose wider.


As for my past, I was pretty much doing the same thing even befoer we met and it just continued. With me, however, it was just immaturaty and trying to get girls to send me pictures, etc. I never 'cheated' per se and no physical contact ever took place, never told anyone I loved them, etc. She busted me on several different occassions, but it's all done with now completely. She just resents all of that and I completely accept responsibility for it and have been working on it. I've also not been meeting various emotional needs of hers throughout our time together.

I'm 34, she's 38. We have a 4 year old son. I have a 9 year old daughter from a previous relationship.

Won't her sister tell your ww about the eblaster or say something that will tell ww that you installed something on the computer?

You don't think you were cheating with what you were doing but it was a HUGE love buster for your wife and she expressed her displeasure. You continued to do it anyways and kept it a secret from her. Even if YOU don't think of that as "cheating", you CAN agree that it was WRONG, right?

Keep snooping and make sure she maintains NC. Don't let her know that you are keeping tabs on her in the way you have. When you confront, you will do it in a way that is vague so she can't figure out what techniques you are using.

Was she looking at his FB page or her own? If it was OM's then that is still some contact. Keep snooping and go into Plan A until you know that there is NC or you go into Plan B.