Here's another question.

She still hasn't deleted her secret email or facebook. Should I delete them? I know she's still checking them from time to time. But, she'll know I know about them which she isn't sure of yet.

bump for an answer

No. This is one of your weapon's against the affair atm. Do not delete, continue snooping.

You will find out soon enough if they are calling it quits.

OK, as I figured. So what do I do if she keeps checking her secret emails and his FB page and remaining in the fog?

At this point, if you delete the accounts, she's only going deep underground. Try to spend as much time as possible close to her. Don't let her alone with the computer when you're home. You have to do more to kill the A before you think about these tactics.

You'd concentrate in your plan A. Re-read the Carrot and Stick thread. Make changes your self. Try to meet her needs. Kill the A.

You've wrote that you are having relationship "conversations" with your WW. STOP IT. These are only going to lead to LB fests where you both hurt each other. There's going to be a time and a process to have conversations but she needs to establish NC and withdraw first.

Don't let her bait you into relationship talks. As soon as she brings up any fog babble you change the topic and find an excuse to walk out of the room. For example, WW: "I'll never forgive you for telling my sister about the A". You: "Honey, I'm just trying to save our M. Uhm, I'm thirsty. Let me get something to drink". Got it?

You did great in talking to OM. Keep the pressure on. Now, you want to expose wider. Her sister knows and she already tipped your WW. It is just a matter of time before other family members find out and the wound re-opens. Get the exposure phase over with ASAP. Do anything possible to kill this A now.

Don't forget the Carrot part of plan A. In that part you do have complete control. So, what changes are you doing on your self? How are you planning to meet her ENs?

Keep it up.

--ElCamino72

You bring consequences that can effectively kill the A. That's what exposure does.

I hate to keep hammering the same thing but you need to use the best tool available to stop her from the A.

--ElCamino72

I have completely changed since finding MB and reading these threads and try to meet her EN. I've been doing everything I should have been doing all along, cleaning up, acting nice to her (even when she's mean), taking total care of our son, even dressing nicer while at home, etc. I ordered her a pair of shoes we were both looking at the other day online together that she liked.

According to the last FB message she sent the OM that her sister translated for me, she 'dumped' him, but it was still full of "I love you" etc. I know that's not a NC letter, but I also know she's really hasn't embraced NC. Like I said, she's still checking that email and FB.

I'm not bringing up any relationship convos, and when they do I try to be very pro-marriage and keep it very MB, but I will try to do better to brush them off when they arise.

I don't know who else to expose to really. We live in Africa as expatriates. Many of our friend at the moment are gone on vacation and her family is in the Middle East and mine is in America. My mother knows and her sister knows and one of her best friends... otherwise, I feel alone. Yes, she has some more casual friends here, but nobody she really looks up to or has a bond with currently. She doesn't work and can just sit on the computer all day if she wants. What should I do?

The ENs you need to concentrate are the intimate ones: Conversation, Affection, RC, SF. It is going to be hard but not impossible. Be creative.

The OM wasn't cleaning up or taking care of your son and she fell for him. I mean, it's great that you are doing those chores but you need to figure out a way to meet the ENs that will have more effect. Think that you are competing against OM in that area.

Can you take time off work or go on vacation? You need to find excuses to get her out of the house and far from the computer. Spend as much time as possible together.

BTW, nuclear exposure is not only to people she really looks up to. It's to everybody. The idea is to put pressure on the A. Use Fakebook and email to let all her friends know.

You can turn this around. Stay strong.

--ElCamino72

She doesn't even want to look at me right now, so how do I go about trying to spend time with her. She's very very angry and wants nothing to do with me at the moment. She told me yesterday that she doesn't want me to talk to her...but I still do. Besides the things I mentioned, I've been complimenting her, telling her she looks beautiful, ingratiating her in front of other people, allowing her to spend some of our money on some frivilous things...all things she tells me she wanted before. Now there is so much tension coming from her as of yesterday it would be just completely awkward.

Unfortunately, I'm the only person in my office at the moment until the end of August and it's impossible to take any leave. She wants to go on vacation alone with our son and 'get away' but I told her I'd prefer she didn't, so she is hesitant, but of course she says I'm 'forcing' her to stay.



If I see any more evidence of contact that's exactly what I'll do.

And how do I get her off the computer and wanting to do some interaction when she's this mad? I know I have read Dr. Harly say in the withdrawal phase it may be better just to avoid the other spouse because me trying to be nice and getting nothing in return is just depleting my love bank.

I just tried to be patient with my husband and he was angry with me in the beginning...his way, his affair fog.......I just looked good, smelled good and tried to appear happy........I was accepting of his feelings for his OW and I made sure he knew that I loved him and that I was still willing to work on our marriage......after all I was 50% at fault there........but in no uncertain terms would I accept a relationship with her, if he continued to chose her then he was willing to give me up for good, his choice.......if he left me for her he would never speak to me again and I would be out of his life for good......26 years we have been together.....
It took my husband about 2 months while he was looking at houses for himself, we had a separation agreement and that was the deal, he move out of our house and on with his new life and new choice.........he finally came to me and said that he had made a terrible mistake and that he wanted to work things out with me......
I didn't fight with him, I just made him to the thinking and the decision making....when it came down to leaving his family it didn't feel like it was the right thing for him to do.......
Just keep doing what you are doing, quietly, making home be a safe and warm place to be and maybe with a little luck she will see you as the better choice for her......
She will go through a lot of stages, let her feel the pain, the embarrassment......let her feel what it would be like if you weren't in her life and that she had to take care of herself by herself......
Let her know that you understand her choices and that you love her enough to respect the choices and you hope they make her happy.......when you give them the freedom to choose they have to evaluate the whole situation for what it truly is......

Plan A is about you turning into 100% Giver without any expectations of getting anything in return. At the same time you avoid being a doormat and fight the A. That's why Plan A has a time limit (typically 6 months for men) because it can potentially deplete your LB$.

It's going to be hard for a while but she is not going to be mad forever. That's one of the reasons you want to get all your exposure soon (sound like a broken record?). If you completely kill the A, she's eventually going to go through withdrawal and be more receptive. At that point, the closer you are to her the sooner it will pass.

If she has an AO you just let her know that it hurts you and leave the room. That's how you avoid her withdrawing too many LU from your LB$.

You have to get creative to get close to her. Try to come up with some activity for you kid and go together. It might not work initially but at least you are sending her the message that you are interested in working on yourself and your M.

Don't be too fake or go over the top. Just be genuine. Be consistent. Eventually she'll notice your positive actions.

--ElCamino72

Thanks. Jessi and ElCamino. I'm trying, and as you know it's so hard. I'm not being over the top I don't think...just being like I used to be back in the day.

On our family facebook account she unblocked him again last night. What would you do with that? I'm tempted to take my picture off and change the name to hers only to let her know if she's continuing to do that then it will be her FB page only and not our family's...or is that too much of a LB and just tell her it hurts instead?

I don't think that taking your picture off your joint Fakebook account is a good idea. At this point you don't want to send any signal that you are separating from her. That's what she wants in her current wayward mind. Don't fall for her manipulation.

Your actions should be geared at killing the A and demonstrating that you are making positive changes to R your M. To me, taking the pic off doesn't lead to that direction.

Now, if you'd use Fakebook for exposure you might get results by removing the fun of using that communication channel for the A. But I just keep repeating myself so perhaps somebody else could chime in.

Good luck man.

--ElCamino72

Thanks again ELC (I'm a Ford guy by the way ;)) She hasn't been on her computer all day, so as soon as I see evidence that she has looked at his page again or anything of that nature I'm going to do as you say.

I agree with you on me removing myself from our family FB is more of a LB. Should I just block him again and see if she unblocks him again or leave it alone?

oh, and I should be getting phone records tomorrow or soon. Luckily, it's in my name so I can get them directly from the company but I have to go in person to do it.

Keep blocking him

How long ago did you have your EA's? Did you talk about it? Has she been bringing it up all along or just recently? How long have you been married?

We've been married for almost 7 years. She had found out about one or two within our first year and I kept doing it of course. She busted me hard approximately 2.5 years ago and I haven't done anything since. She has been bringing it up all along, yes.

I was horrible and depleted her LB many times over... but I have changed and am ready to move forward.

There you go, she has been bringing it up all along. You never delft with your EA's so your marriage never recovered. Be honest, did you avoid talking about it? When she brought it up did you talk about it or did you try everything just to make the confrontation go away?