This thread is shocking to me. I can't believe/understand leaving your family and children vulnerable to a crazy OM who is still stalking/trying to gain access to your W.

THe only thing that makes any sense to me is that your W is still foggy and you don't want to upset her.

I really can't wrap my head around this at all.

I keep thinking about posting on this thread,

but then my blood starts to boil.




I cannot understand how any parent can be so disrespectful and dishonest to their own children by withholding such important information about THEIR lives.

Stan-ley,

I'm gonna go a different route than Mel ( for the record I AGREE with what she has posted though, just want to comment on a different angle...... :D).....

Exposure at this point in time isn't necessarily to end an active affair, as you've mentioned, however, I would deem it important because you and your wife are living a lie. You are protecting a false reputation. That's got to be some pretty heavy baggage.

In telling the truth, no matter how hard it would be, it would also release you two from this bondage.

Imagine not having to worry whether or not the truth came out?

Imagine not wondering whether or not the OM will snake his way any further into your lives?

Imagine all those fears being laid to rest?

How freeing would that be???..........

I read some of your and your wife's earlier posts, and quite honestly, I don't think your Recovery is all it COULD be. The chains that bind you by this will not lessen unless you undo those locks yourselves.......

Many of those around you, especially your children, will not think less of your wife for being honest.......if anything they will love her FOR being honest..........

I can't say My blood is boiling over this......more I'm sadden........

Not

The OM is free to pursue Stanley's DAUGHTER as a result of her parent's silence. Silence gives power to evil.

I thought of that too.......

I also thought that OM has the power to BLACKMAIL Mrs. Stan back into the A.....you know, "if you don't get back together, then I'll tell everyone your dirty little secret.......".
And unfortunately since her reputation is so important, I could see her falling for this.......

So, so sad.........

Not

Here is why Stanley's marriage is not really in recovery. A true recovery would affair proof the marriage and protect further contact. The environment that led to the affair has to be changed. That has never been done, Stanley.

Here is what Dr Harley has said about this and he is right:

Requirements for Recovery

The first step has never been done.

No, he says,

"Your mother/sister/daughter had a 2-year affair with that man that ended 6 years ago. When I found out she tried to end the affair, but OM has never accepted that she wants nothing to do with him. For a long time he sent her emails professing his love and refusing to believe that the affair was over. For a while he stalked 2 of our daughters online, and he flew 2500 miles to surprise my wife in the car pool when she was queuing to pick up our 12 year-old from school. He has ignored my letters asking him to stay away from my wife and to allow us to rebuild our marriage. As a policeman, he was able to find out when she was due to fly home to see her parents, and he would turn up at the airport and plea for her to talk to him, and once booked a seat on her plane. She had to make a fuss until he got off. He befriended her parents - whom he never knew when my wife and he were at school - so that he could track my wife's visits home. He has often turned up at their house when he knew she would be visiting. He still sends the occasional package to my wife at our home. He befriended the whole family in our home state, offering my wife's nephew a job and becoming good friends with her brother, so that he could keep track of my wife for these six years. He secured an invitation to my MIL's funeral, which I could not attend, and openly asked my wife to go for coffee, in front of all of you. He utterly disrespects the existence of our marriage and of me, her husband. He thinks that she only stayed with me out of obligation and now, 6 years later, he is still trying to make her leave me and go away with him.

He has been able to do this because we were ashamed to tell anybody that my wife had an affair. We allowed this man to stalk our daughters and maintain contact with my wife because we were frightened by the unspoken threat that the only way to stop him was to reveal all to you.

We think it is time to stop aiding his disrespect for our marriage and to remove the threat that he poses to us. We are asking for your help in supporting our marriage by stopping all of your contact with this man. We only wish we had trusted you sooner to help us, and we would like you forgive us for not trusting you earlier to do that."

I'm sure Stan could memorise that. If not, he could put it in a letter copied to all of them.

He then needs to apologise profusely, from his heart, to his daughters for not protecting them when he knew that this man was watching them online.

Two words.....RESTRAINING ORDER!!!! As a cop he would lose his job if violates it. And the kids would not know!

I doubt that that Stanley and his wife would want this, because obtaining an order still leaves them open to the unspoken threat that he would reveal all to the wife's family. They seem to be quite paralysed by the risk of anyone in the family finding out. This is shame partly about the wife's reputation, but also about Stanley's pride, it seems.

It is quite possible that this man's silent online stalking of their daughters was designed to let Stan and his wife know that he could contact the girls and expose to them at any time. His "friendship" with the rest of the family, while keeping him in contact with Stan's wife, also lets the couple know that he could blow this couple's world apart at any moment.

I don't know whether he is still a part-time policeman, but anyway, I think when Stanley looked into some sort of charge before, it was not possible because of where OM lives.

In any case, it does not deal with the issue of his befriending the family; I doubt you could get a restraining order against his friendship with the wife's brother. Neither would it deal with this couple's not having been honest with their kids about this man's interest in them. An order without disclosure to the kids allows them to continue lying about not having protected them.

That is a very good summary.

I need to add other reasons as to why why I did not expose:

1. I am private and did not feel like discussing the details with members of her and my family.

2. Most family members would have pressured me to get a divorce.

3. When I got married my mother warned me that my wife came from a family of infidels. Nevertheless, my mother eventually learned to love my wife as her own daughter. I wanted to avoid the "I told you so" and the disappointment.

Well, number 1 is a moot point as you are posting on a PUBLIC forum(albeit anonymously).

Number 2 doesn't matter anymore since you have already made your decision and you can stand by it. No divorce for you because of this.

Number 3, wells she DID tell you so, but WHO CARES? You have read through the material on this site and you know that ANYONE is capable of having an affair given the circumstances.

If you are truly 100% all in with MB, how could you not YELL it from the rooftops? Let people know that your wife did something HORRIBLE in the past and that you have decided to forgive her and recover.

Do it the way the people have suggested on here. You need to get OM out of your life and marriage FOR GOOD.

I disagree. And please spare me your sympathy that I never disclosed. It is NOT the right prescription for everyone because it was not the right prescription for me. We are 6 years removed from D-day and our marriage has NEVER been stronger. The proof lies in the result. For us, my decision to not disclose to anyone resulted in the best possible outcome imaginable. We have complete transparency with each other and it occurs without any effort at all, it�s all second nature and quite rewarding. We did what was best for us and our family. Furthermore, I did what was best for me. My actions regarding disclosure are not up for debate. There is no one on this earth that could sway me from this view. I would be a complete fool to freely allow anything or anyone to tinker with what we�ve built.

What do our kids know? We�ll both my son and daughter are adults and they know that mom and dad had a rough patch a few years back and that we overcame it by focusing on the important things in life, each other. It was very cool incident and allowed us (mom and dad) to give them a few marriage builder tools. As far as details, none were provided and none were asked.

Please do not interpret my position as a blanket prescription for everyone; that is just not the case and it is not what I believe.

Mr. G

You might disagree, but Dr Harley doesn't and his opinion is what counts around here. You may have got away with not doing it, but it is irresponsible to tell others on this forum that they can get away with doing this. You can see for yourself how much trauma this has caused Stanley and his wife.

I know people who SMOKED 4 packs of cigarettes a day and didn't get cancer, but it sure doesn't mean that I would tell someone that smoking can be beneficial.


Then why even mention it? Especially to a poster who has obviously suffered by NOT following standard Marriage Builders practices?

The biggest and strongest of those reasons is that exposure puts the affair into the light of day reveling its ugliness to the participants. It is one of the strongest and most effective tools to break an affair. You expose to break the affair, to help kill it and keep it buried.

Of course there are other reasons why you might want to disclose but I think they are all subsets to the above.

Mr. G

I agree with the above!

For us disclosure was not a critical need because my WW was very motivated to save the marriage. Exposure would not have augmented her desire to recover.

She was also motivated to end the affair despite her guilt regarding the despair of OM. She had withdrawal and felt very bad about everything. I don't think I could augment her remorse with exposure.

I will admit that exposure helps when a betrayed spouse wants to stop an affair that continues despite a D-day.

My situation was different. In fact I asked my wife to go live with OM. I clearly told her that I would only try to save the marriage if she wanted to do so. Otherwise the door was open for her to go.

I even offered a divorce where adultery would not be mentioned as the cause. I told her we could get a divorce and that the children would never know she was unfaithful. In my case exposure was useless.

Some may say I leave the door open for OM. If my wife wants to reconnect so be it. However, I don't think she is that stupid.

Stalking by OM has been a nuisance and probably more hurtful to my wife who discovered she had an affair with a psycopath.

For example, MrG, this "advice" of yours to "do what best fits the circumstances" to a person who has no expertise in saving marriages, only ruining them, CONTRADICTS Dr Harley's own advice. Nowhere does Dr Harley tell people to just do what they "feel best" and substitute their own opinion for his professional advice.

I don't know about you, but my best thinking screwed up my marriage. I didn't get here from singing too loud in church. What made me "feel best" was destructive to my marriage.

That is why I think it is important to stick to Dr Harley's tried and true professional opinion, and not substitute our own. People don't come here to hear my crap or yours, after all.

I've been following this thread, and decided to reply today.

Many of you know that I discovered H's adultery in December ...... 1995 !!!
This pre-dates my involvement with MB by several years.

Many of you know, my H stopped his A immediately and joined AA at the same time.

H and I did not disclose his adultery to either of our children.
I always said that if either of them asked, they would be told the truth.
Neither asked.

This year, I did disclose (not expose) the adultery to our daughter, who will be 21 years old in a few weeks. I have not disclosed to our son, who is currently involved in a life crisis of his own making. A whole different topic I won't go into.


The reason I decided to disclose to DD20 at this time was because it served a purpose in her life. We had a discussion about how people stay married, how a good marriage works, etc. It was a beneficial discussion for HER.

She was completely gobsmacked by the disclosure.
She could not believe her Dad would ever do that.
She has zero memories of that difficult time.
She looks at her Dad as a great father and a great husband.
She still does.

Because she has been living with us her entire life, she is a witness to our happy and respectful marriage.

The disclosure was to teach our DD20 some life lessons, relationship skills, and I used myself and our recovery as an example.

Everything is fine between my H and myself and our DD20.
That is to say, the disclosure did not diminish her happiness, nor did it diminish her respect for us.
In fact, her respect increased because she saw how we recovered from something potentially tragic.

Just some experience shared.

thanks, MrG, for telling Stanley what he WANTS TO HEAR instead of what he needs to hear. Thanks so much for kicking him under the bus, buddy.

Another strong reason to expose is that the more people who know, the more people to hold the affairees accountable, just as Dr Harley says. In Stanley's case, contact has lingered on for YEARS because this step was missed.

On the other hand, there is no valid reason to NOT expose.

Because of this lack of exposure, the OM stalks his daughter and wife. And Stanley can't say a word because he is protecting a lie.

The OM has even stalked Stanley's daughter on the internet and taken her out to lunch.

But hey, every case is "different" right? Let's just tell Stan it is cool to continue to allow the OM to stalk his wife and daughters because every case is different.

Much easier to just tell folks what they want to hear...

LOL @ Mel

I feel ya.
I stopped trying to convince Stan-ley about anything a long time ago.
Myrna could not stand me. So I gave myself a "cease and desist" order a long time ago.

My opinions hold no currency with either of them.

I admire your persistence Mel.
You go girl!