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Wow. I do not feel comfortable with that at all. I know my husband won't be either. Your H is comfortable with you taking flack for "fixing" what he broke? Not good. No, not at all. He's furious about it. But *I* have asked him not to communicate with BIL. That was my request. I believe it was his place to apologize to our family and friends. I do not believe it is his place or mine to tell our niece or nephew about their mother. That just seems totally wrong. The last person I'd want my daughter to learn this from is her aunt. ICK!!!!
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Kimmy's H finally did a man-to-man apology to Kimmy's father .....
Until he did that, Kimmy had built up resentments toward her own father because her father did not treat the two OC's as he treated the grandchildren born to Kimmy.
This was Kimmy getting upset at her own father because heR H did not MAN UP.
Once he did, things improved.
Your H needs to be the barrier that protects YOU from fallout from HIS adultery.
It's his job.
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DDD,
Frankly with that load of garbage from your bil, I would be on facebook right now informing your niece of everything!
He is blaming you for the pain?
God Bless
Gamma,
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Well, POJA this with H.
I'm sure you can come up with a solution.
And tell him you will not accept any solution that causes you to be the bad guy any longer.
And your DD14 should not carry her father's burden for him.
POJA away
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I do not believe it is his place or mine to tell our niece or nephew about their mother. But you would be ok with your daughter telling? I don't understand that.  committed
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Our son and daughter want nothing to do with their aunt. Of course they don't. I'm thankful this was their natural reaction.
Since my niece and nephew don't know the truth, I asked H to remove them from his friends of FB. We are going to protect those two from having anything to do with their uncle because we assume that will be their natural reaction, too.
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Did H apologize to your BIL?
In person?
On the phone?
Ever.
Offering an apology is in no way asking for forgiveness.
It is an apology.
Accepting responsibility for his actions.
It might help get BIL off your back.
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I do not believe it is his place or mine to tell our niece or nephew about their mother. But you would be ok with your daughter telling? I don't understand that. committed I'm really not. I want their parents to tell them. That to me is the right thing in this situation. Since they're choosing not to, is it better that they hear from their uncle? I don't know. Maybe it is. It just strikes me as more abuse, in all honesty.
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Since my niece and nephew don't know the truth, I asked H to remove them from his friends of FB. We are going to protect those two from having anything to do with their uncle because we assume that will be their natural reaction, too. I'm sort of confused here. By "their uncle" you mean your husband?
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Did H apologize to your BIL?
In person?
On the phone?
Ever.
Offering an apology is in no way asking for forgiveness.
It is an apology.
Accepting responsibility for his actions.
It might help get BIL off your back. Yes, in 2002, my BIL was told the A involved kissing (I was never told). My H apologized then, BIL accepted; life carried on as "normal." Crazy. I learned recently about full extent of A, told BIL, H apologized to BIL again on phone and in writing.
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Since my niece and nephew don't know the truth, I asked H to remove them from his friends of FB. We are going to protect those two from having anything to do with their uncle because we assume that will be their natural reaction, too. I'm sort of confused here. By "their uncle" you mean your husband? Yes, sorry for the confusion.
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What I see happening here is that the wrong people are being demonized.
You are being demonized by BIL.
BIL is being demonized by you.
Both you and he are victims of YOUR HUSBAND and your SISTER.
Taking the hits for your spouse is not recovery.
Has your BIl ever been allowed to do a sort of "victim's statement" to your husband?
Has your H ever seen/heard the pain and rage directly from his other victims?
BIl in particular?
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Sorry.
I see we were posting at the same time.
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Your teenage daughter is being placed in an adult situation, not of her choosing.
I would say this to her:
Dear Daughter:
You know that awhile back your father and my sister had an affair. We have been honest with you about that situation. The truth is that your cousin's parents have chosen not to disclose the facts to their daughter, for reasons we do not have full access to.
We make decisions for you. They make decisions for her. The fact that we chose to do what we did in telling you what we have told you was so that we might never run up against this very scenario - where you and your other relatives might be forced to decide what to say or not to say, for fear of disclosing to you a "deep dark secret". You know the truth of your life, because we chose to live with the truth.
If your cousin and you are talking, and if the subject of why our families cannot interact as a group, or if anything comes up regarding why my sister and I no longer are connected like sisters, I would like for you to bring her to me. I feel that to put you in this situation - an adult situation - is unfair to you and to her.
I will answer her questions. At the time she asks, you can say that there were some inappropriate interactions that had to be handled by adults in order to protect our family - and that I would be more than interested in talking to her about it.
It isn't your responsibility to tell your cousin the details. Those issues and the truth of her life - those responsibilities - belong to her parents. I will help her and guide her toward talking to her parents for answers.
We can lovingly get her through what will be a tough situation. After all, WE got through it, didn't we?
Mom
Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
Happy.
Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
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Offering an apology is in no way asking for forgiveness. Boy, ain't THAT the truth?! And it's surprising how many people think that it is. Apologizing is hard for me (which is why I do so much conflict avoidance)--I don't want to put myself in the Rogue Rocket position which makes an apology necessary. But asking for forgiveness is PAINFULLY difficult. Because they're not the same. tl
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What I see happening here is that the wrong people are being demonized.
You are being demonized by BIL.
BIL is being demonized by you.
Both you and he are victims of YOUR HUSBAND and your SISTER.
Taking the hits for your spouse is not recovery.
Has your BIl ever been allowed to do a sort of "victim's statement" to your husband?
Has your H ever seen/heard the pain and rage directly from his other victims?
BIl in particular? You are so right. BIL and S have both demonized me through this. Totally. It has hindered my recovery immensely, but I have no control over it whatsoever. Honestly, it has been nearly as painful as dealing with actual A. Also, my mom is being demonized because S is finding - through psychobabble counseling - that all of this stems from abandonment issues she's had since teen years. Gag. Anyway ... BIL has never had a single harsh word for my H. So no, no victim's statement has ever been received from BIL. My H would be willing to hear it and take it, but I guess BIL feels he's too much of a righteous, forgiving person to express anger. I'm not!
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Their is no reason for your DD not to tell the truth.
Simply state our parent's no longer see each other because my dad and your mom had an affair.
They are both old enough to know what an affair means.
No details. Simply truth. You can let your DD know that she can tell cousin to see you if she has any questions.
Otherwise you are telling your child lie ahead of time. lying by omission.
Last edited by TheRoad; 06/27/10 02:20 PM.
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Delta, is that right?? The letter didn't even state WHO the affair was with??
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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But you see, this is the picture that's painted of me because I told the truth .......... and this, right here, is why your H needs to MAN UP and TAKE ALL THE BLAME. Not you. Have H call BIL. Have H speak to relatives. Not you. Not you. Not you. Not you. H sent the following letter to each of my family members. He also revealed the A to our close friends. He has spoken to/apologized to most directly. -------- Nine years ago, I made a terrible decision to engage in a thoughtless and selfish affair. I'm writing to apologize for this and for the pain and grief it has caused and will continue to cause you and the entire ___ family. My actions were careless, and there is no excuse for what I did. I am totally committed to W and am working to repair our marriage through counseling and other steps. I have hurt my wife so deeply, and I know that her healing from the affair and the pursuant cover up will be a long journey. I will do everything I can to help her heal. This was a double betrayal to W by two of the people she loved and trusted most, and while I know I can never completely make up for what I did to her, I give you my word that I will do my best. W is the most precious woman in the world and someone I am truly blessed to have in my life. She in no way deserved this poor treatment. She has been nothing but loyal and loving to me for 21 years. I adore and cherish her. She is the love of my life. I had never been unfaithful to her prior to 2001, and when I came to my senses and ended the senseless and moronic affair, I made a vow to myself that I would never be unfaithful again. And I haven't been. I have been ashamed and remorseful about my actions ever since; however, I failed her again by not confessing my infidelity immediately. Because of my lack of protection for her, she unwittingly placed herself in conversations and in situations she shouldn't have and never would have if she had known the truth. That lack of protection was yet another invasion on her and our family and has led to much hardship over the years. I have promised her and our kids to protect them better. I am so very sorry for the anguish I have caused you and for the hurt this will be for your family. Because I was behaving selfishly, I did not consider the long-term ramifications my poor decisions would have for my wife, my kids and the ____ family. I am fully aware of the ramifications now. Family celebrations and times of sorrow will not be the same. Sadly for W, she will be guarded about which events she'll participate in, and understandably those will only be gatherings where she's confident her heart and our family are protected. She will need and appreciate your support with this. I know W has made one request of family members and that is for us infidels (accurate description) to never be given a platform to discuss "our side" of any part of this horror story or its aftermath. I know that wish has not been entirely respected so far, so I'm humbly asking you to do everything you can to respect that wish from here forward. Please understand that despite good intentions, discussing facts or perceptions about historical or current events relating to this matter only makes healing extremely difficult and in the future will only serve to reopen wounds in the victims including W, BIL and our children. They are the ones who deserve our care, support and love. I've learned that engaging in toxic discussions disguised as genuine concern was how I got myself into this mess in the first place. My affair is my deepest regret in life, and lying to W about it is my second. I will regret these decisions forever. I hope in time you will see my remorse through my actions and that some day you will see in me the excellent husband I intend to be, the one my wife and children have always deserved. Sincerely, H This letter is usless because WH is still fogged. Why did he not state who the AP was? Why did he not state the need for NC between him and SIL? He didn't state S's name because 1) all family members already knew who it was and 2) I didn't want her name mentioned. It made me sick to have him state her name, so I asked him to remove it. We were told we needed to agree on the info stated in the letter before it was sent. We did. As you can see, BIL's name was mentioned but S's name was not. Which brings me to the answer to your next question. He didn't go into NC because I had already covered this with my mom and siblings. Under counsel with Steve Harley, I decided I wanted it to be stated that it will be my choice to attend weddings and such where S will be present.
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