According to Dr Harley, whenever there is a conflict, what we do to try to resolve that conflict is even more important than finding a resolution to the conflict. He states that our first priority should always be to preserve our love for each other and finding a way to resolve the conflict is much less important.

Any time we attempt to compromise as a way to end a conflict we damage our love for each other. If the negotiations over the conflict are nothing more than one or the other of us trying to prove our own POV, then in the end, one of us will end up feeling resentment over the fact that one of us has gained at the other's expense.

He also has said that he has met couples who seem to be in constant conflict and have one problem after another but because they maintain their love for each other their marriage is a long and happy one, marked by romantic love for each other. Other couples he has met are relatively free of conflict and yet end up with an unhappy marriage and sometimes divorce and it is because the way the conflicts are resolved destroys their love for each other.

I think the car analogies fall apart pretty quickly because when you buy a car, you don't promise to care for that car for life and when it has outlived its usefulness for the purpose it was purchased for or whenever your priorities and requirements change, then the car no longer serves a useful purpose and can simply be replaced.

Not so a marriage. We can't simply decide another, newer or more robust model is now something that better meets our needs and change marriages simply because it isn't like it was when new. But we can each adapt to meet the changing needs of our spouse so that the way we felt when things were all new to us can be sustained over time.

A car can be modified, by force if necessary, but if our spouse refuses to meet our needs, we are either stuck or must abandon the relationship if getting our needs met is necessary to our way of life. Motivation for a fender that rubs a tire might be to use a hammer to bend it or a torch to remove part of it or to take it to a body shop to have the fender replaced. The trick to getting our spouse to modify him or herself in order for the marriage to remain fit for use has to come from within our spouse.

There are things we can do to help a reluctant spouse arrive at a point of willingness to change, but seldom are we willing to actually do those things. We tend to use our instinctive tools to try to make the modifications we expect (AOs, DJs, SDs,). Or we sometimes do the equivalent of letting the car sit in the drive way and finding another form of transportation, or in some cases, such as in an affair, we simply borrow the neighbor's car to go for a ride.

A car that needs repair and a marriage that is no longer satisfying are similar in this. We can either try to fix it, get rid of it and find a replacement that meets our current needs or let it sit in the driveway and complain about how it doesn't work for us anymore. Neither car nor marriage can be fixed by the third.

Conflict resolution over anything must hang from one thing. No matter what you do to fix it, don't hurt each other in the process.

Mark

Conflict resolution over anything must hang from one thing. No matter what you do to fix it, don't hurt each other in the process.




T-da !!!

Each spouse making Love Bank deposits is only half the equation. Both parties have to first change their mindset to action, putting on a positive attitude of continuing to work on conflicts, and beyond just meeting emotional needs, acting like you love each other, rather than waiting for your Love Bank balance to make you feel like loving. Meet the feelings half way.

Early in our marriage I discovered I HATED fighting with my husband. Not because we yelled, or got angry, but because I was alone. I was standing on my side of the line, and him on his. We went from lovers to enemies each trying to get our way, stomping on our love for each other as we did.

I started using a phrase when we disagreed. "I want us to be on the same side." That's how we started to figure out POJA (way before we found MB). We weren't very good at it b/c we had no clue what we were doing. But we were able to solve problems and disagreements TOGETHER. When we'd disagree we'd try to find a solution together instead of trying to get it one person's 'way'.

With POJA it is so much easier. We have conflict, disagreements, choices to make, but we're on the same team. DH and I working TOGETHER to solve a problem. I've found I become less concerned with being 'right' as with making the choice that is best for our family. I've become more humble, more willing to accept I may not be right (only to DH though ). My heart is softened to my husband.

Conflict resolution has become a chance to CREATE romantic love, because instead of being on opposite sides of a line, we're standing together, hand in hand, overcoming the conflict that comes at us.

I love that.

I think the reason people may have trouble with 'Step 1'


Is because we're taught that if we pick the right spouse, if we're soulmates, if we're meant to be, then romantic love will JUST HAPPEN. It will be effortless. Conflicts will just melt away because your love is so strong. It isn't like that. You still have to have the right tools.

People that believe that the pieces will just magically fall into place and it will all just work because it was 'meant' to are more willing to throw it away if it doesn't work. Because, obviously, they met the wrong person. They got to go find the right one. They don't realize it's about BEING the right person. It's about MAKING that commitment to build Romantic love.

DH and I early in our marriage, we had the romantic love, and we had an idea of how to resolve conflict, but it was rough, we were shooting in the dark. When we figured it out, when we built the right habits it DID become effortless. It does Just Happen now.

And for some - they are born with those tools, they get it right from the very beginning. Somehow they know instinctively what to do and they have amazing love stories. We think that we just have to find the right person to have what they have. We don't, we just have to do what they do - and that is what MB teaches.

No it doesn't at all. Each person defines what constitutes a lemon. What is broken in this instance is the MARRIAGE. The marriage is so broken that one person is unhappy and wants out. I wasn't talking about folks who continually lower the bar and define DOWN their standards until they have no standards. Each person has different standards, of course, to define what makes them happy.

That's great. Just not seeing where I challenged accepting reality in what I posted.

bump

I just read this article again. I had read it last week and made notes of the steps and comments. It really is about the best summary article of the MB program.

Reaching back to some of the early comments about the difficulty of the attitude turnaround necessary to Step One, I thought of other problems at that stage. It's bad enough when one spouse refuses to act loving, but even more difficult is when one spouse refuses to receive love - is passive or rejecting of affection, hugs, kisses, compliments, and will not participate in pleasant conversation or UA time.

I have not seen that addressed, but surely some of the members here have seen or experienced it. Is that degree of estrangement just to far gone to overcome?

This is not a problem when a spouse is in love, though, and that is what the plan attempts to resolve. When a spouse refuses to engage it is because they have fallen out of love.

And if a spouse refuses to meet the needs of the other spouse, the solution is outlined in "When to call it Quits" over on the newsletter forum.

I agree absolutely. I was so glad to see it posted! I had completely forgotten this article.

I'm not sure where to add this little tidbit, here is as good a place as any.

A friend and I talk a lot about marriage. We have both struggled to improve our marriages and I find her a supportive person to talk to. I am close with her parents and we were talking about what a great marriage they seem to have. When she and her sister were very little her parents hit a really rough spot. Divorce seemed to be the only solution. They decided to follow the advice to have a date night that they kept no matter what. Problem was...they were in deep withdrawal and could not stand each other. My friend only remembers spending time with a beloved babysitter EVERY Thursday. Her parents tell the story of WEEKS of sitting across from each other and not speaking because they had nothing nice to say (I guess that was one of the rules, no fighting!!) Anyway, eventually they found stuff to talk about, started going away for weekends etc. and here they are happily married 35 years later. I'm not sure if they were following all the MB rules etc. But I think of the story often and it became very real to me after my H and I went from withdrawal to conflict while spending 15+ hours from close to zero hours together all of a sudden.

Being in love is a decision. MB gives you the tools to follow through with that decision. I know I made the "decision" many times but didn't have a good blueprint to follow and made a lot of mistakes along the way.

We are almost two months into our MB journey. We have sucked at actually talking about the topics and filling out our workbook, but we have had fun doing other stuff

wannatry, you have described a typical recovery. It is awkward at first but then it comes easier and easier until it becomes a habit! That is the goal of MB, to train us to have habits that faciliate a great, romantic marriage.

It is true that if you bring the body the mind will follow.

Glad to hear you are working the program. It really works when you work it!

bump

This program is NOT a conflict resolution program but a create romantic love program. All the conflict resolution in the world will not save a marriage. Many couples who become experts at resolving conflict STILL end up getting divorced. Dr Harley does not focus on conflict resolution, rather he teaches couples to fall in love and then addresses conflict resolution [POJA] in a way that builds romantic love.

continued here

Thank you to everyone who has contributed to this thread & bumped it... This is something I've been working to learn, step by step. Actually, I come here to rehearse what I'm trying to learn... the refreshers from others help me. I've been reading this material for some time, but I've only recently made the jump of introducing it to my husband. In some ways, we've done great on our own over the years, and in other ways we could really improve.

I do especially struggle with the following...
continued here [/quote]

I understand the wisdom of it, but I fear as well... I mean, if I am vulnerable enough to reveal a deep need... and what if my husband isn't interested in meeting the need or protecting me in that way?
Obviously, I�m struggling somewhat with trust. Being �in love� is scary� rejection is that much more potentially painful! No that it isn�t worth the price, and I am working hard at becoming a buyer and trying to create and environment where my husband is comfortable doing the same.

We�ve filled out the EN questionnaires (very revealing), but haven�t gotten further yet, including covering POJA. I�ve been slow� I don�t want him to think I�ve brought the Harley�s into our marriage in order to �gang up� on him regarding some IB. But I�ve been trying to broach these subjects a bit� implementing Harley stuff without actually referring to the program. At any rate, I thought I�d share that the other night, someone requested something of my husband that could have potentially led him to engage in IB while at the same time clearly disregarding an important need that I have shared with him. Rather than replying, he put the person off. A couple of days later, he brought the subject up while we were on a �date,� and he expressed his desire not to do anything that would disregard my need. In the past I would have rushed to reassure him that I was �ok� with it even if I wasn�t really (out of fear of being a pain)� but I was honest and admitted that it really was a need, and it was best for our marriage that he not acquiesce to the request. He not only was fine with this, but he suggested a solution to the situation that we could both be semi-enthusiastic about (it involves a labor of love for someone who is dying, so it�s hard for me to say �enthusiastic� in this context). My �love bank� and trust levels went up & up� small steps.

Wow, you did a great job! Being radically honest with your husband in a respectful way was very effective. It is apparent that your H is very invested in your marriage.

Thank you! - RH is not my strongest suit, and my husband struggles with it too. My husband is very committed to our marriage - but we do have a history of poor communication to overcome - and at one point when he felt that I was not interested in our marriage, he was contemplating divorce (a huge wake-up call for me is an understatement). It obviously helps a lot with MB when both spouses have that commitment, so even if only one has familiarized themselves with MB, the other joins the pas de deux. I'm looking forward to him having greater familiarity too - because he's already doing so great with some things, it'll honestly be a case of "wow, you already do that" rather than "I wish you would do that."

bump - this was an awesome thread that emphasized that MB101 is not a conflict resolution forum, but a marriage building forum.