Agree with Melody and schoolbus. On the writing part, why not just give a copy of the note FWH gave other family members. There is no law here, people. They are not slandering the mom and uncle--they are telling the truth.
Wayward sister and wayward-enabling-stick-his-head-in-the-sand sister's BH are both complict. I'd have to be curious about their own recovery. To quote Dr. Phil, "How's that workin' for ya, pal?" Lots of lessons to be learned here-and the first one is that lying to children doesn't help.
Melody has said on here many times about how betrayed she felt because her family "shielded/concealed" her father's affairs. Why start this cycle with these innocent children. 17 is plenty old enough to know the truth. So is 7...

The kids already KNOW... hearing the truth will just validate what they've known all along. Something was wacky about this whole deal and probably hearing that it was just a kiss doesn't ring true.

I haven't looked at it in the last couple of days, but from my memory, that letter was vague enough that it might be totally compatible with the "it was just a kiss, a long time ago, and she has learned her lesson" story.

I wonder how many other family members they are spinning this story to besides their children.

DDD, does everybody in your family understand that this was a months'-long sexual relationship?

Grrrr.
This makes me so mad!!!
Your wayward sister and BH are protecting THEMSELVES, not their children. They are cowards. They are liars. They are expecting you to undermine your niece's and nephew's trust in you to protect their lie. Your sister has a lot of gall. She should be groveling. Sounds like she's not even that remorseful. And her husband sounds like a creep, too. I don't really feel that sorry for him if he's protecting his wayward wife over his own kids. Loser. Sorry to vent--this is just triggering for me!

I only have a second to post, so I've got to make it quick. I'll fill you in on the rest later.

I spoke do niece on the phone this morning and asked if she knows it was a months-long sexual affair. She said yes. There was obviously confusion between the girls yesterday which has been cleared up.

All family members know it was a months-long sexual affair.

H will be sending the kids an apology letter.

No biggie to the daughter that her mom had a months-long affair? Hmmmm. Something doesn't add up. I remember being 17. Unless mom is a serial adulterer?

DDD,

H will be sending the kids an apology letter.

Thanks be to God! Even if her kids could care less your husband has to do this.

She is and her kids don't know. BIL is too.

I received this text from my niece this morning BEFORE I spoke to her on phone. I'll explain more later:

i never ever told (cousin) that it was just a kiss 10 years ago. my parents haven't lied to me. it was a long time ago and i've forgiven my mom and your husband so stop trying to hurt your sister. i get that you're upset and you need time but stop making it a bigger deal than it has to be. this was all before they had God in their lives. they're different people now changed by God and back then they weren't living right. but now you need to try to forgive my mom. and (uncle) was just as much a part of this as my mom and i'm still allowed to see (uncle). if (cousins) want to they should be allowed to see my parents. i love you and you're a great aunt but i REALLY wish you could have handled this all better and thought about how much you were going to hurt everyone before you acted this way. you are purposely trying to hurt my mom and that's not okay. my dad has lived with this for 10 years and he hasn't done anything to (uncle). deal with it how you wanna deal with it but keep the kids out of it.

---

Note: S and H both had God very much in their lives long before and during A.

When I talked to N on the phone, she said I was trying to hurt her mom by telling my family members about A and also for keeping my kids away from her.

Unfortunately, this is what happens when the waywards get to spin the story before the truth gets out there. There is not much you can do and it may come to a point where your children and your niece and nephew WILL be more hurt by this. Your DNieces' text rings of "spin control." There is no point in arguing with her or trying to educate her. Just tell the truth and stay your course.

I'm staying at my mom's right now and read it to her and she said the same thing. She made me feel better by saying "you're the victim here, and they're trying to make you into the villian."

She loves all of her daughters, of course, but she just shakes her head at the other.

Delta
Give this up or stop beating around the bush with DN's. Your words typed here indicate to DN's that the affair was years ago, lasted months, involved kissing, nothing more.

You don't have to say missionary, doggy, cow girl, how many times they banged.

You do have to say that by affair what happened was that there was more then kissing that there was SEX between your H and your S.

Sex between the affair partners is what has kept the aunts and uncles apart.

Otherwise in the immortal words of Archie Bunker: stifle it will ya, I said stifle it.

You must have missed my post on pg. 15 of this thread. I wrote:

I spoke to niece on the phone this morning and asked if she knows it was a months-long sexual affair. She said yes.

You had stated that DN was told by her parents that is was just kissing.

"I spoke to niece on the phone this morning and asked if she knows it was a months-long sexual affair. She said yes."

To some SF can be anything from kissing to all the way and anything in between. Being that her parents got to her first and said to her it was an affair with kissing.

Then you come along and say it was an sexual affair, which is a very general statement, enough so that DN feeling she already knows this does not connect the dots and realizes that there was Real Sex, not just kissing.

What you have written does not convey to the extent you have made it clear to DN and to what extent DN knows to what extent the affair went.

It looks to me like her mum or dad may have had a hand in writing that. For example, "keep the kids out of it" is not the type of phrase I'd expect to hear from any niece of mine.

I agree with Scotland. Your sister and her H had 10 years of spin-time with your niece. The effect of that isn't going to change in a hurry.

I seems the children know about the affair.

Sorry to hear that your sister and BIL got to her before you did, but there's nothing that can be done about it now. Fact is, the sis and BIL were actively trying to keep you from exposing to their kids, which means they were actively lying by omission to them.
I think you need to accept that niece has been poisoned, and probably limit her time with your DD because she's likely to try to poison your daughter, too. Very sad.
Perhaps a note like this to the niece? Maybe Schoolbus can weigh in, too.
"Dear niece,
I thank you for being so candid with me about your thoughts about the affair between my husband and your mother. It seems you are willing to forgive their past transgressions, and that certainly is a personal choice.
I hope that you also understand that it is a personal choice of mine to do what I must to protect my family. That means my husband and your mother cannot have any contact. The fact is, statistically, when two people have been involved in an affair, having sex with someone outside of their marriage repeatedly, the original marriage cannot survive if the affair partners continue contact with each other. More often than not, those people will end up having sex again, not just kissing, either. Carnal knowledge.
Another thing you should understand: Your mom claimed to have God in her life when she was sleeping with her sister's husband. It doesn't matter that it happened a long time ago. She has shown no repentance, only the hope that we will sweep it under the rug. If she truly respected me and my marriage, she would have done the honorable thing and confessed her sin, rather than spinning it to be something more innocent than it was. If she truly has God in her life today, she would quit lying and blaming me, the victim. I was not the one who chose to sleep with her husband, yet I am being made out to be the culprit. Do you really think that is what God thinks?
Saying you're sorry and showing you're sorry are two different things. Your family has chosen not to address this problem head-on, and that is between them and their God. I only ask that you understand that I am not able to forgive such a betrayal from my own sister, and thus cannot maintain contact with her. I love you very much and I hope we can continue to remain in contact, but I also understand if that is too hard for you.
In time, I hope you will understand the severity of the sin committed by my husband and my sister. I also hope that your mother learns from this and is able to truly live a righteous life. Sadly, my family will not be a part of it, regardless.

Also, since you can't be sure her parents aren't intercepting her messages, I would hand-deliver the note to her.

Here is the bottom line as I see it, Delta:

Though I absolutely believe that your sister/OW's children deserved the truth, it would not have mattered if you had been the one to deliver it before her parents [finally!] did. Why? Because, sadly, your niece and nephew are being raised by WAYWARDS - NOT FORMER WAYWARDS...Because of that fact, they will not be taught morality - only situational ethics at best...The biggest influences in your niece and nephew's lives will be their parents - that's just the way it is - their parents will teach them that life is full of gray areas - moral absolutes will have no place at their table...Very sad, for sure, but it is what it is...

If your sister were repentant and truly a former wayward spouse, she would require no contact with your husband herself - she would understand the risk involved to your family and hers if contact continued...She would apologize to you and know that she didn't deserve your forgiveness, but instead would offer you JUST COMPENSATION in the form of maintaining NO CONTACT FOR LIFE with your husband - IF she offered such just compensation to you - voluntarily, willingly, that would speak of true repentance and of a life being lived for God - The FRUITS she would produce as a result of making wise and repentant choices would be able to be seen by you and others - and as a Christian yourself, you would be far more likely to forgive her under such circumstances - Now, even if you did forgive her, you still might not choose to reconcile YOUR relationship with her, and, of course, that would be just fine - forgiveness and reconciliation are different matters entirely...No matter your choice though, NO CONTACT FOR LIFE between the affair partners would be written in stone...

As far as the affair involving sex, kissing or even if it was entirely emotional - well, none of that matters as far as NO CONTACT is concerned - the rules don't change - An affair is an affair...No Contact would most certainly still apply...

Rest secure that your family is making the right choices, as far as truth and no contact between the affair partners is concerned...

I personally think that the simplest way - though obviously not pain free - would be for the two families to have no contact, period...Your family does NOT need this drama - YOU don't need this pain dredged up each time there is an opportunity for the cousins to see each other - and frankly, your daughter doesn't need the moral confusion that is likely to result from hanging out with her fog-taught peer aged cousins - you know, even though I call them "peer aged" - let's not forget that your niece IS older and it's very likely that your daughter looks up to her older cousin - because of THAT, I would have an even greater fear of the negative impact your niece could have upon your daughter...I know that will not be an easy choice for you, however, I believe it is the right one...

And Delta - bless your heart, dear lady - No one should have to endure what you have...((((((((((Delta)))))))))))

Mrs. W

DDD:

I appears that your the victim of your WH, once again.

Your niece MAY have known about this a long time ago.

Your WH only told you 4 months ago.

YOur dealing with this from the POV that EVERYONE else just found out, as well.

No. They have known for varying lengths of time. And that is making you even more of a victim.

"Can't we all just get along and move along, this is all old news"

And it is NEW to you. And your DD.

You have learned from MB what should have happened, and what you should have been doing to protect yourself, and what to do for your DD, and DN in this case. You had reason to beleive that DN may not KNOW the truth. The fact of the matter is that DN is living is a warped world, where it is OK for the Mom and Dad to have BF's and GF's and its not a problem. It is even a God Fearing Home.

This isn't about punishing your DD becasue she can't hang out with DN. Its about protecting your DD from the infuences of those who have no boundaries.

This is the couple that will say that it is OK for your DD to bring her BF over and have SF with him there because, "fill in the blank" about you and your H's boundaries for your Daughter.
This is the couple that will offer alcohol to your DD when she is there, because, well, "fill in the blank"
This is the couple that will offer drugs to your DD becasue thier DD is using, and why isn't yours?

Really. Your so far behind them in dealing with this. Your best course of action is to not interact with thier family at any level at all in the future.

LG