He told me today that he was sorry he doesn't show me how much he loves me, because he DOES love me. That he sat down with his asst. principal today for 2 hours to discuss what he needs to work on for this next school year and that he knows he needs to take care of himself better "ie family". The asst principal is also married with 2 young children and the two of them work so much that both of us wives are always hoping/waiting/wishing we had more time as a family AND as a married couple.

I just thanked him for acknowledging that, and that I appreciate he is working on a plan for next year.

That being said, I have been paid lip service for a long time. Always the promise of a better "next week" or "next month" or "next year", or hell, even a promise to stick to a plan. All lip service to date. Before the apology he just gave me, he told me he is too busy and tired, and that we just don't have the time or the money to make time for each other. When I told him I was not ok with the status quo and not working towards being happy together, THEN I got the apology.

I looked and looked and looked, and only found the one exchange. When I said "school one day, personal another", I meant that it STARTS as school one day, progresses to personal another - not that it HAS, but that is how it starts.

Not even exchange, as he never replied.

He asked our sitter for Thursday night. He leaves camping Friday night.

Gdar, I am so confused. I thought we had quite a discussion about the fact that what your husband is doing IS AN AFFAIR. He is dating and engaging in courtship behavior with other women. That's an affair. He admits to this stuff, doesn't he?

Am I misremembering?

Gdar, I posted this article for you to read ... did you read it?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8501_fft.html

Plan A is not supposed to stick.

Markos, my husband is not dating.

Acting in a way I do not enjoy? Yes. Dating? No.

This was last year. Not what we are dealing with currently.

I am not referring to Plan A. I am referring to agreements/plans my H and I make together that never stick.

Anyone have a link to a list of good EPs?

Just having a crappy day, stemming from last night/this morning.

Heya G

Been out for a few days but been thinking about you. I'm sorry you've had some crummy days.

If you want some examples of EPs, tst has a good list somewhere. I'll see if I can find it.

I know this is going to be rough. It may help you to have a set end date in mind. You cannot sustain what you are doing indefinitely. You're gonna give yourself PTSD. Set your end date. This way when it gets rough, you know you only need to make it to x date and then things will change. Whether your husband is there for the changes or not is up to HIM, not you. You cannot force him. You can only control YOU. If the change has to occur without him, you did the best you could but you CANNOT maintain the status quo. It will destroy your health and spirit.

Have you read through Scotty's thread? If not you should, from beginning to end. It's called Ummmmmmm I installed a keylogger, or something similar.

When Plan A got too rough, she would go for a drive and yell and vent, she would come on here and vent. You can do the same. When it's too rough, vent to your journal, to us, to the open air. We're here for you.

Scotty is in Plan B right now, but she has achieved some amazing personal growth. She's awesome (fan girl squee).

You can do this G. Give yourself an end date though because for your own sanity, you can't do this forever.

For your perusal

TST's Thread on Extraordinary Precautions.

Thank you, Vib. I will get reading. I have read her thread and I agree. What an amazing woman she is!!

So, you read about how yesterday my H apologized and that he would try harder? And how I said I have no faith it will stick? It didnt even last the DAY!

I think he tried, at first, but then it got to be too much work (our kids were up), so he let his "too tired and busy" take over. When he got home from work, we took the kids outside in the backyard to run around, kick balls and he and I were going to sit, drink a glass of wine and observe. My 2 yr old kept getting into the bark (slivers), the 4 yr old kept screaming at the puppy to leave her alone, the puppy kept chasing the 4 yr old. He said that he wanted to go back inside the house, that it just was not relaxing. It wasn't, but it was nice to have some sunshine for a change - summer has yet to get started here. I am with kids 24/7, and he gets annoyed within 20 minutes and it makes me feel bad. He is not the dad who EVER plays with the kids. EVER.

I found myself annoyed at the kids because my H could not relax and I snapped at them, telling them to get in the house. They did nothing wrong, they were just being 2 and 4.

We said we were going to watch a funny movie to lighten up a bit, so after dinner I put on Horton Hears a Who for the kiddos and they were going to go to bed about 15 minutes earlier than usual. He disappears. I find him laying in bed with the kids (which is cute, but I know what is happening - he is getting tired). I ask him if he was ready to watch the movie, but he did not answer. I waited a bit, checked back in with him, and his eyes were closed. The kid movie got over and I put both kids to bed. Come back in, he is still lying there, eyes closed.

*Sigh*

So, I got the movie, went downstairs and put it on. He did something weird with the surround sound and it wasn't working. Then I hear the dog upstairs, barking at something and a few moments later, H is downstairs asking me what I was doing. I told him I was going to watch the movie. He hooks it up and he is annoyed. I am annoyed. "So, are you mad at me now"? I did not respond. I did not even want to get into it. I explained to him how I felt yesterday, he said at first that he is just too tired and busy (to put forth M efforts), and that it is just how it is, then apologizes and says he will try harder. Then he gets annoyed with the kids, cannot relax, then goes and falls asleep when he told me we were going to have some wine and watch a funny movie together.

So yeah, per usual, it did not happen the way he said it would, it went right back to "too tired" and I was upset.

After the movie, we go to our room and I was hoping we could talk or snuggle, or something. I knew he was tired - too tired for me. But he calls up his buddy in Cali and starts chatting away like he is full of energy.

I went out on the couch and cried for about an hour. He ignored me and I fell asleep.

The End. Again.

Gdar, I thought your H was in AA for 6 months in the last year or two because of the problems drinking brought to your marriage? What's the thought behind trying to get him to have wine with you? What would you think about hot tea or something else?

New, he had (has) a sponsor outside of actual AA. His mentor has been sober for 20+ years. He was married and had 3 kids and his wife left him because of his drinking. He promptly quit and has been sober ever since. We both hold him in a very high regard.

My problem now, New? I am drinking wine because it tastes good and I can sleep better and honestly, it is a hide-a-way for me. So now all I am doing is enabling. I know it, I own it. But like I said, I have kinda given up here.

G, gotcha, thanks for clarifying. I felt the worst when I felt like I had given up, that I had no plan. I do much better having a plan. How about you? What helps you thrive?

Have you read the plan in When to Call It Quits? How Ellen took a year to get her ducks in a row, before a brief plan A and then plan B? Then worked their marriage coaching with the Harleys from two houses for a year before he came home, so that they knew they had new habits that would stick?

NEW, thanks for the support.

I am thinking H knew I was giving up. I had nothing left to give and it was pretty obvious. I was past conflict heading to withdrawal. All of my answers to his questions were "whatever you want, I do not care". I really was not caring.

He got to go on his overnight camping trip because I simply did not care anymore if he went. Half hoping he was lying and going back to his college town so I could have my "reason" to catch him and kick him out (not that he would leave).

He was gone less than 24 hours. Before he left, he spent the day before and the entire day of (did not leave til the afternoon) cleaning, doing projects around the house, asking me what I needed help with. Super proactive and it felt like he actually WANTED to do these things, not just to kiss my a$$ because he thought I was upset he was leaving. He prepared food for me before he left, so I did not have to take care of dinner that evening or lunch the next day. He did it lovingly. The way he used to.

I had a GREAT time while he was gone, and I was sure to tell him how relaxed I felt and how well I slept (he is terrible to sleep with, as he snores, talks in his sleep about work and flops like a fish all.night.long). I had a nice visit with a girlfriend I rarely see, we had a nice dinner out, a movie in with my kids, a mellow morning the next day. H came home a lot sooner than I thought he would and was NOT hung over. He smelled like Deet, BBQ and B.O., so I felt certain he actually DID go camping (showed me pictures of them in the woods). He had invited another friend of ours to go with him and loser friend, someone I like and who is a friend to our M. I think he did that to make me feel more comfortable. I did not think much of it at the time, but I see it now.

We spent all of Saturday and Sunday finishing projects up together around the house, having a good time with the kids and the puppy in the backyard in the sprinklers and sunshine. Accomplished a lot and that felt really good. Had a LOT of SF, more this weekend than the last month combined.

He was present. He was there. He did not look through me, but at me, to me, with me. I have not experienced that from him in MONTHS. It nearly brought me to tears each time. Felt the connection coming back, bringing me out of withdrawal, close to out of conflict, even.

No DJs, AOs, SDs, just a comfortable (but not casual) being together, smiles on, feelings coming back...

He text me this morning to thank me for a glorious, love-filled weekend and that I need to get used to it because there is more where it came from. He saw how much I needed it, he FELT himself how much HE needed it, how we came together and could relax and engage.

Usually, after a day or two of this, I don't hold out much hope it will last through the week, but this *does* feel different.

I have hope.

This is very good G.

I'm so glad you had a good weekend. Keep lookin' on your side of the street, don't let yourself fall into the habits of LBers.

Be appreciative. Let him know how much this weekend meant to you. Acknowledge it. Let him know how you felt about it.

Keep making that time together pleasant.

Keep up the good work.