Well put, Mrs. W!!!
Agree about the two families having no contact, period. It's unfortunate, but it is indeed a "wayward family."

I'm staying at my mom's right now and read it to her and she said the same thing. She made me feel better by saying "you're the victim here, and they're trying to make you into the villian."

You had stated that DN was told by her parents that is was just kissing.

"I spoke to niece on the phone this morning and asked if she knows it was a months-long sexual affair. She said yes."

To some SF can be anything from kissing to all the way and anything in between. Being that her parents got to her first and said to her it was an affair with kissing.

Then you come along and say it was an sexual affair, which is a very general statement, enough so that DN feeling she already knows this does not connect the dots and realizes that there was Real Sex, not just kissing.

What you have written does not convey to the extent you have made it clear to DN and to what extent DN knows to what extent the affair went.

You don't have to say missionary, doggy, cow girl, how many times they banged.

You do have to say that by affair what happened was that there was more then kissing that there was SEX between your H and your S.

You've got a good mom, Delta. She deserves an extra Mother's Day this year.

Sorry to hear that your sister and BIL got to her before you did, but there's nothing that can be done about it now. Fact is, the sis and BIL were actively trying to keep you from exposing to their kids, which means they were actively lying by omission to them.
I think you need to accept that niece has been poisoned, and probably limit her time with your DD because she's likely to try to poison your daughter, too. Very sad.
Perhaps a note like this to the niece? Maybe Schoolbus can weigh in, too.
"Dear niece,
I thank you for being so candid with me about your thoughts about the affair between my husband and your mother. It seems you are willing to forgive their past transgressions, and that certainly is a personal choice.
I hope that you also understand that it is a personal choice of mine to do what I must to protect my family. That means my husband and your mother cannot have any contact. The fact is, statistically, when two people have been involved in an affair, having sex with someone outside of their marriage repeatedly, the original marriage cannot survive if the affair partners continue contact with each other. More often than not, those people will end up having sex again, not just kissing, either. Carnal knowledge.
Another thing you should understand: Your mom claimed to have God in her life when she was sleeping with her sister's husband. It doesn't matter that it happened a long time ago. She has shown no repentance, only the hope that we will sweep it under the rug. If she truly respected me and my marriage, she would have done the honorable thing and confessed her sin, rather than spinning it to be something more innocent than it was. If she truly has God in her life today, she would quit lying and blaming me, the victim. I was not the one who chose to sleep with her husband, yet I am being made out to be the culprit. Do you really think that is what God thinks?
Saying you're sorry and showing you're sorry are two different things. Your family has chosen not to address this problem head-on, and that is between them and their God. I only ask that you understand that I am not able to forgive such a betrayal from my own sister, and thus cannot maintain contact with her. I love you very much and I hope we can continue to remain in contact, but I also understand if that is too hard for you.
In time, I hope you will understand the severity of the sin committed by my husband and my sister. I also hope that your mother learns from this and is able to truly live a righteous life. Sadly, my family will not be a part of it, regardless.

Your niece MAY have known about this a long time ago.

This is the couple that will say that it is OK for your DD to bring her BF over and have SF with him there because, "fill in the blank" about you and your H's boundaries for your Daughter.
This is the couple that will offer alcohol to your DD when she is there, because, well, "fill in the blank"
This is the couple that will offer drugs to your DD becasue thier DD is using, and why isn't yours?

I personally think that the simplest way - though obviously not pain free - would be for the two families to have no contact, period...Your family does NOT need this drama - YOU don't need this pain dredged up each time there is an opportunity for the cousins to see each other - and frankly, your daughter doesn't need the moral confusion that is likely to result from hanging out with her fog-taught peer aged cousins - you know, even though I call them "peer aged" - let's not forget that your niece IS older and it's very likely that your daughter looks up to her older cousin - because of THAT, I would have an even greater fear of the negative impact your niece could have upon your daughter...I know that will not be an easy choice for you, however, I believe it is the right one...

And Delta - bless your heart, dear lady - No one should have to endure what you have...((((((((((Delta)))))))))))

Mrs. W

Forgiveness is up to each person individually. All each of us can do is apologize for our mistakes and crimes, learn from them and repent. The rest is not up to us.

I recently merged a few quotes on forgiveness to summarize my view:

"We forgive freely or we do not really forgive at all. You can forgive someone almost anything. But you cannot tolerate everything. We don't have to tolerate what people do just because we forgive them for doing it. Forgiving heals us personally. To tolerate everything only hurts us all in the long run. Forgiving doesn't mean being passive and staying in a job or a relationship that clearly doesn't work for you. It is important that you are clear about your boundaries. If you are willing to allow unacceptable behavior again and again in the name of 'forgiveness,' you are more than likely using 'forgiveness' as an excuse not to take responsibility for taking care of yourself or as a way to avoid making changes."

What a great note from hubby!

i never ever told (cousin) that it was just a kiss 10 years ago. my parents haven't lied to me. it was a long time ago and i've forgiven my mom and your husband so stop trying to hurt your sister. i get that you're upset and you need time but stop making it a bigger deal than it has to be. this was all before they had God in their lives. they're different people now changed by God and back then they weren't living right. but now you need to try to forgive my mom. and (uncle) was just as much a part of this as my mom and i'm still allowed to see (uncle). if (cousins) want to they should be allowed to see my parents. i love you and you're a great aunt but i REALLY wish you could have handled this all better and thought about how much you were going to hurt everyone before you acted this way. you are purposely trying to hurt my mom and that's not okay. my dad has lived with this for 10 years and he hasn't done anything to (uncle). deal with it how you wanna deal with it but keep the kids out of it.

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