Today is the 10 year anniversary of mine and WH's first date..I feel like I'm dying inside! Am fighting to stay on level ground in my head and in my heart. He is with HER and I am alone!! Still no contact from him. How can he just wipe away ten years?? What now?

Do something special with your children later today.
Do not be alone.

Would love to Pep, but not possible. One son is out of town, other son is working, and stepdaughter is on vacation. Gonna go shopping in a bit..need some clothes that fit and I hope my copy of SAA will come today. Thinking he's never coming back. He's taken the "blow up" last Wednesday as justification that he SHOULD go start a new life with her and completely leave me behind. I think I screwed it up this time...

You cannot screw up WH's integrity or his moral compass.
Those are his, and his alone.

His waywardness cannot be justified. Period.

When you screw up, it muddies your integrity.
Concern yourself with that.
Concern yourself with lessons to be learned to better yourself.
Concern yourself with cleaning your side of the equation.

An emotional outburst by the BS has an upside, but a bigger downside.

Upside:
The waynerdturd can no longer tell himself that he is not all that important to you, or that you just don't care that much about him.
You proved you do care.
Trust me, they notice.
"Man, she just blew a gasket! I did not think she had that much passion."


Downside:
You lose a measure of self respect when you " lose it" in front of others.
You appear unpredictable, and possibly dangerous.


So, learn from that experience.

Long ago, (14.5 years) I punched H in the face.
It was the day before New Years.
Kids were asleep.
I asked H a question.
Some new disturbing adultery fact was revealed.
My reflexive response was to smack him.
Then, I went into the family room and dismantled the Christmas tree by kicking it over and tearing it apart with my feet.
I finally caught up with myself, and realized I was capable of serious damage.
I called my friend ( this was past midnight) and told her I was in crisis and was on my way over.
I got in the car and (somehow) drove the 15 miles without an accident.

I am telling you this because you might think you are the only BW to have a physical altercation.
You are not.

We recovered.
You can too.

Thank you...makes sense. I read my devotional and Bible (Proverbs..needin those lessons a lot lately) and worked out for 45 minutes. (Finally using that home gym that has been gathering dust!) Going to take a shower and get out of this empty, lonely house for awhile...

Ok, I think some of this is starting to sink in to this thick head of mine. WH just "stopped by" yesterday (he thought I was at work) to pick up the charger for his pager, and we ended up talking for a couple of hours. Conversation turned to "blow up" and I told him that I am truly sorry for my behavior, that I let my emotions take hold and I completely lost control and sense of reason. Told him that was "hitting a bottom" for me and I realized that I don't want to be that person anymore and then told him about all the changes I am making. Then asked him if he wanted some lunch! Lol (carrot and stick, right?) I remained very calm and positive throughout. He asked what was the FB thing about (OW's exposure) and I told him that was due to the one thing that had not changed: I love him, want our marriage to work and was doing what I thought was best to protect our M. Besides, all of his people knew, wasn't it only fair for hers to know as well?
We got lunch, we ate, then I told him I was planning to go shopping and that I would talk to him soon and to take care of himself. The look on his face was priceless! I had that man so off-kilter, he didn't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his **s! Gave him a flirty little smile, got in my car and drove off!
It occured to me while shopping...even though the aliens have taken him over, I know this man better than anybody. Who would know what "trips his trigger" better than me? I KNOW how to do this better than even HER! I know things about him that she will never know. This has been in me all this time, just had to find it.
Anyway, he came back by last night. We had one beer and talked for about an hour. At one point, he got quiet, then looked at me and said "thank you". I said, "for what?" He thought for a moment, then said, "for a really cool experience today. When I got up this morning, I didn't like you very much and I never thought I would be sitting here now.". Think I might have made a right move in this little chess game this time!
The best part is last night about 11:30, OW came and turned around in my driveway and drove back down the street. Looking for her boyfriend, perhaps?? Hhhhmmmmm.
I am now sitting back and waiting for him to come to me..no texts, no calls, just playin it cool.

Is that what you mean by a "stellar Plan A", Pep? LOL

Way to go, rg!!

One thing...I would go ahead and text him!
I did this every single day after getting this advice and got some mileage out of it and hope you do too..

Thanks, Sus, might try that tomorrow. Just got off work, so I just read your post. Makes perfect sense..Got my copy of SAA today and read a little on my lunch break, but I'm off tomorrow! How convenient is that? Thanks for your help!

Now, it's OWs turn to love bust.

You keep your side clean, ya hear me?

I'm just sittin' here at home minding my own business and reading my book. I think I've got this now. The funny thing is...I know he could very well be up there, but it's not bothering me so bad cause I know it HAS to happen. It's part of the process, right? (Still hurts though!)

Ok, need to know what to do next..last night, I did really well - I read my book and went to bed. (Kept my side clean:) ) This morning at about 8:15, WH is knocking on my door! Woke me up! (Off work today.) Evidently, he just came by to see me! (Excuse me while I dance around a moment. ) Anyway, I made coffee and we sat and talked..like grownups!
He told me about talking to an older lady we know that we both have a lot of respect for. He has been talking to her regularly since Dday. She was married to our now deceased ex-fire chief (we both volunteered at the fire department before A - I took a leave of absence). They were married for 43 years and this man is a legend at our department. His son is now the chief. Well, seems that at some point in his marriage, the elder chief had an A for 4 months, but the marriage was restored at some point. (Ironically, the son has had an A, but he and his wife have reconciled. Interesting...but another thread.)
So, WH says to me that he is now coming to appreciate the wife that I am, and that the "blow up" taught him something, too. I asked what and he said...(You ready for this, Pep??) "It showed me how much you really do love me.". OMG!!! If had not been sitting down, I would have hit the floor!
Now, to interject a little reality into the equation..his phone has now been turned off, so if he wanted contact with me, he HAD to come see me. But, that also means the same for HER. Do I think he's been to see her? No, but I am still very aware that is a possibility. He only stayed for a little while, but asked me twice what I was doing today because he wanted to come back later. Told him I would probably be around, but if I wasn't, I would be back shortly. Told him he's still got his key, feel free to let himself in. (Now that I think about it, he could have let himself in this morning, but he knocked..anybody..thoughts?)
So now what do I do? He even said he was starting to think more clearly! I see HIM in his eyes, but I don't want to let my emotions run away with me in the OTHER direction either.
Gonna try to finish reading SAA today. I'm about halfway through. Do I offer to let him read it if all goes well? Or do I stay in THIS holding pattern for a while until he gets more comfortable?

That sounds sooo great!

Now what you need to do is ask him if he want's to recover this marriage and to move back home?

If he is willing to do that then set some new boundaries such as..

1. Open and honesty in the relationship
2. Writing a NC letter to the OW and you send it
3. You have all access to emails, phone, FB, etc (no secrets)
4. Reading SAA together, and HNHN and doing the questionnaire.
5. Spending 20 hrs of UA each week
6. Make an APP with the harley's

Theses are just a few of them, you can make some more if you'd like, but I would start with these.

GOOD LUCK!!

and

CONGRATS!

No! If he comes completely out of this and ends all contact with OW forever, THEN you can share your resources. Don't tell him about MB or the book for now. You're doing GREAT with your Plan A! He wants to spend time with you today, that is awesome. Use that time to be a Plan A Godess, try and stay away from relationship talks, just have some fun together. This is your opportunity to shine. Be the woman that he fell in love with to begin with. The more time with you (as a Plan A Goddess) the better.

Good job!

No! It is wayyyyy to soon for these things.... she is barely into her Plan A. If HE brings it up, that would be a different story. He's still feeling her out IMO. Stay in Plan A and wait for the right time to do all of this.

What do I think?
Besides thinking I am a genius?


I think you GET IT now.
I think you are teachable! (Trust me, not everyone who enters into the MB room is teachable).
I think your WH has his head partially pulled outta his hind side.
I think you should invite "older lady" out to a girls luncheon. Your treat.
I think you plan A your ask-me-what off for a few more weeks.
I think you need to prepare for recovery. (That means get healthy and think about protection boundaries and recovery requirements).

I think it is waaaaaaay to early to attempt to educate your wayward about MB.
Don't discuss requirements with WH at all.
Just plan A looking like THE PRIZE he MUST work hard to enjoy for the following 40 years.

Sounds good to me

When ever your ready, those should be the first requirements, but still working your plan A is probably the best thing for you to do now, I just didn't know how long you were in plan A

GOOD LUCK!

PS
I love her enthusiasm.
And her list is good.
But WAIT.
The timing is premature.
Soon.
Not today.

PS again .... Come to think of it ....
I am an older lady .... Take me out to lunch