I agree there was not enough disgust from my niece and nephew.

They know it was a sexual affair, and they are "fine" with it because 1) it happened 10 years ago (really 9, but their parents said 10) and 2) it was before the adulterers "had God in their lives," so what do you expect? (my niece actually said that to me.)

My S and BIL have acted all along like this was not the huge deal I think it is and that I should forgive and reunite. They make it sound to others that me and H are the screwed up ones because we want NC for life. After all, we are family.

They don't get it.

What prevents you from going NC?

All cousins already know. Tell your kids NC is a must and enforce NC.

The kids of your sister are not the ones that need to feel remorse. They are not the ones that need to apologize to you. Let them think whatever they want to think. Just go NC and ask your sister for an apology.

(((DDD)))
You're doing really well here. Also, I wanted to say I'm impressed with your H taking ownership of his mistakes and doing what must be done to protect you and his family. He's clearly a good man who made some mistakes--we all do--and now he understands the consequences and is willing to accept them.

Nothing - with the exception that the cousins will continue to have contact with each other as long as it presents no problems or drama for them or us.


I never said they did.

I would think, however, that they'd be a bit more disturbed than they appear to be. My kids certainly were when they were told ... and continue to be.

Thanks for the various comments about H's letter. He absolutely does get it.

It sickens me to hear that BIL and S are installing bad character into your Niece to undermine/disregaurd the importance of marriage. I hope that this is a good learning experience for your DD.

It also sickens me to see you being attacked for trying to uphold your family values, and you may always be painted as the bad guy. I just hope your skin is tough against their venemous words, your other siblings and parents stand by you for support, and no sides are taken.

We here all support you and your decisions.

Thanks a lot, WS. I foresee that I may need to rely on that support in the future.

My mom and siblings are very supportive of me, but even though the NC concept has been explained to them, they don't really understand it, and several (not all) continue to hope and pray for reconciliation one day and make comments to that effect. S and BIL are open to it, so why aren't we?

I've asked them not to say those things to me, that those words put unneeded pressure on me and that the burden was on S and H once upon a time and should not be on me now.

They understand where I'm coming from and say "sorry, no pressure, no expectations." Yet, they continue to hope and pray. S continues to say to others "I've tried everything and she still hates me" and so forth.

In time, my H and I should probably write another letter to the family focusing solely on the need for NC and why the intent isn't to hurt anyone (including S) but rather to protect me and our family.

If anyone has any suggestions with this or other advice, it would be MUCH appreciated!

With all respect.

You are looking for Mea Culpas in the wrong places. The only person that owes you a Mea Culpa is your H.

It would be nice if you got more Mea Culpas, but you cannot change or influence others. Exposure has been done, but you cannot induced more Mea Culpas from your S or BIL. I believe you need to accept that and go NC.

The cousins know and they already talked about it. Your niece decided to minimize the affair for her own reasons. It may be a Freudian mechanism of defense, but you cannot make her say what you want to hear. She is not your daughter!

Not looking for nor expecting anything, Stanley. Just stating my opinion.

I'm also not looking for nor expecting much from my siblings, either, except that they respect our wish for NC without judgment.

Any insight on how to help us with this cause in the future is appreciated.

My thoughts on the future?


Your kids "get it". Your FWH "gets it". You and your family are moving forward with the concepts and foundation in place for a healthy and strong recovery after the affair.

Your lives will be headed in the right direction, because you have paved the highway for your family.

So, live your life the way you are living it. The way that you know it should be - in truth, looking to God for guidance, finding solace and peace in God's word and love. That path, along with the concepts you are working here, as well as the work your family is doing together, will take your lives through the recovery process.

It will also serve as a lighthouse for the cousins. That beacon of a close family, recovered with a healthy core of love and a marriage that is now focused on commitment and fidelity, will help those cousins have an example of a truly recovered marriage. They will look at their mom, who continues to be wayward-thinking, and your marriage, which is recovered and clearly more healthy, and they will see the living difference.

That example is all you need to do. Because when their parents' marriage experiences the ongoing problems that it ultimately will, the cousins' understanding will grow.


It is in your living example that you will "do" all that you need to do.

You are doing well, and you are being very understanding of your extended family as they struggle with the concept of NC. Let them know that it is similar to an alcoholic in recovery: he must never have another drink. Drinking "just a little" is not a possibility. Once two people have been affair partners, there is no going back to "friends." It's a hard concept for even betrayed spouses to understand, and some never do get it. Do your best, then hold firm on your boundaries and be thankful that your H is helping your enforce them, which reinforces your personal relationshop.

Delta you are doing well with this.

I would not write another letter about NC to your family. You understand the concept and unfortunately they might never understand it.

What they see is a "family broken". It will never be the family they envision again.

Each time your family tries to mediate in the R with your sister, your H and yourself need to say, this is a right decision in the restoration of our family. Please respect it.

Your sister is probably using the family to approach you and appearing in time to be the "victim". Your family knows how you feel and another letter will not enforce it but might give sympathy to your sister that she does not deserve.

Put all of this energy in making your M great.