Yeah, that's how my husband justified marrying me and "forgetting" to disclose his addiction.

Funny, I've been happier and had better peace of mind when I knew one of the major causes of our issues, than when I didn't know..but I knew something was "off."

CWMI said being honest gives you freedom, and she's so right.

But you ARE setting out to hurt your wife.

Every time you do something that you know you will never tell her about--that you will keep hidden from her--you are SETTING OUT TO HURT YOUR WIFE.

Do this test, to find out: Next time you're up to something, ask yourself, "Will I tell W about this when I get home?" If the answer is NO, and you do it anyway, you are GUILTY of setting out to hurt her.

Well said.

When have I said unkind things about my wife here?

Vibrissa- that is part of the reason I came here. I am not particularly good at important communication, I have never been very good at effectively getting my point across. I initially came here because I didn't know how to talk to my wife about the issues without hurting/upsetting her. To me, just being honest about things will still come across as hurtful to her or cause her emotions to run high. We have been there, done that, handful of times, it gets to be too hard doing it again and again, especially when it comes to the finances. So I try and avoid it as much as I can.
There are other issues that I am also not completely honest about with her, but I keep those to myself to not hurt her. I just deal with it. And you are right, it does hurt my love for her, I know that. So that is the withdrawl from the Love Bank, and I guess I hope there are enough other things that balance it out/make up for it, to put Love back in.

You're the one arguing that you shouldn't take the things you've said here about your wife to your wife, because you shouldn't say anything unkind to her.

So which is it? If these things are not unkind, why can't you say them to her? If they are, and you believe in not saying anything at all when you don't have anything nice to say, then why are you sharing them?

CW- That does not ring true for all situations. You can not simply put that blanket statement out there.

I have said before I have not let my wife know I have been on this site and forum. I came here with the intention of trying to figure things out, get support, get ideas, get help. I am not here to set out to hurt her, just the opposite.

I have said the same thing about when I talk to my friend (I know that that notion has been shot down many times). But in my mind I do it with the intent to help the relationship.


So I don't see how every omission of truth is set out to hurt.

There are other little things that I keep from her with the intention of it being for her benefit. Simple Ex. I might get some fast food to eat on my way home, I don't tell her because I know she might want some. I go home and make a smaller healthier meal for the both of us. The intent of that is to fill me up and to try and help her eat healthier. Just a small example.

Markos, I realize I have said some things here that would upset her, but I don't believe them to be unkind things about her. I see a difference in those 2 ideas.

Have you read

The4 Guidelines to Successful Negotiation?

If this format is implemented you avoid hurtful communication, because discussion stops as soon as you begin to get heated.

Sometimes when I have something to say to my husband and I'm not sure how to phrase it without being hurtful I'm just honest about it.

"There is something I really want to discuss but I'm not sure HOW to discuss it because I want to be sure you feel loved and cared for and so what I'm about to say may not come out right."

So often disagreements and discord in negotiation arise before the negotiation even begins because the two parties aren't even clear on what their spouse is saying/ wanting/ arguing.

Dr. H has said himself that often he'll get couples in and once he's gotten them to understand each other's position, they're shocked because they actually don't disagree - I know this was the case often early in my marriage.

Instead of looking at a negotiation as a me vs. my wife endeavor, look at it as an opportunity for you and your wife to solve a problem TOGETHER.

Negotiations should be safe, open, and pleasant. If they aren't you need to stop and begin again when tempers have cooled.

So you get to decide what she eats, because she is incapable of making that decision on her own?

So you married a 5 year old, and not an adult woman?

Really?

The best support, help, and ideas you can get to improve your marriage is from your wife.

No one - not your lovely 'friend' or strangers on an internet forum knows as much about your marriage as you and her. Because you live your marriage every day.

Only the two of you know how you two work, and what you'd like to improve in your spouse.

Now if you need outside help to provide fresh perspective or sage advice, we can help there.

But we cannot replace the valuable benefit you will get from having your wife on board with improving your marriage.

Why don't you say 'hon, I've been thinking about how to improve our marriage, and I want to be a better husband to you. Do you think you can help me with that?'

Really? You are jumping all over my attempts to help my wife be healthier. Since when is being healthy bad?

What you are doing here is assuming what your wife wants and making decisison for her. This is NOT helping her.

Are you her partner or her parent?

Just because you are married to your wife doesn't mean that you suddenly get to play with your wife's life, taking away the ability for your wife to make decisions for herself.

Being healthy is not bad.

But, you are manipulating your wife by not allowing her to make her own decisions.

I'm jumping all over your attempts at infantilizing her.

SHE get's to chose if she wants to be healthier. NOT YOU.

If she has told you she's struggling with her weight and would appreciate you not telling her when you eat fast food so she doesn't feel jealous, that's one thing.

You're saying it's ok for you to eat junk but your wife isn't allowed.

How is this any different than you treat a child?

It doesn't matter that it's about food. You could be telling her you're not stopping at Home Depot to get a drill because you don't think it's safe for her to use power tools, I'd have the same reaction.

If you don' think she should be eating fast food - then you use POJA to find an acceptable solution.

You don't lie by omission for 'her own good'.

Why don't you say 'hon, I've been thinking about how to improve our marriage, and I want to be a better husband to you. Do you think you can help me with that?'

The problem with that is that is does not sound anything like me. She would be curious as to what is wrong and probably think there are serious issues. That is what I am trying to avoid; there being serious issues, and her thinking that there are serious issues. She is sensitive and emotional and has had a very trying past year. Right now she is trying to have as little stress as possible. I am trying not to add to that.

That's my point, Tom: it's possible to go to her the same way you came to us. In a way that is open and honest and talks about the situation and is not unkind.

Why can't you do that? You were saying "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all," but you have just admitted you can talk about this without hurting your wife being your intention.

It is possible for husbands and wives to communicate about problems without being unkind to each other and without fighting about it. It does happen in good marriages. And it is a learned behavior which you and your wife can also learn.

....Tom as an objective outsider looking in at the way you describe your marriage, you DO have serious issues.

Di satisfaction, lack of love, resentment, a burgeoning Emotional Affair that you refuse to acknowledge.

All of these issues will destroy your marriage.

And you could fix them now if you'd stop treating your wife as a child or a breakable china doll, instead you waffle around justifying your inappropriate behavior.

Who cares if it sounds like you or not?

In essence isn't that what you're here for? To improve your marriage? What is wrong with telling your wife that?

bwa-ha-ha! Lemme translate:

"Treats are for me. If I told her I was getting fast food, she'd want some, and then it would cost double. So I don't tell her, pocket the cash, and then PRETEND like I'm doing it for her health. Because I lie to myself so much more than I lie to anyone else."

Why again does it happen where something I say I do to try and benefit my wife has me coming across as the villain?

Gotta call BS when you read it....so I'm calling it...BS.

You want to spend money on fast food...you don't want to spend money on fast food for HER.

So, we are right back to it being about $$. You mentioned before that when you get food to eat..that hers will cost 3 or 4 dollars more than what you choose.

You want equality in food choices too...no...maybe you want CONTROL in all aspects of money issues.

Mark it under "caring for her health"...but you aren't packing sand anywhere I don't want it...no siree.

committed