Here is my original threads so you can read my story. It's long, it's just sad and I need to know how to fight for my H when he is on the verge of a EA/or having an EA....please help me!

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=160541&Number=2391627#Post2391627

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2392117&page=1

somehow I ended up in two threads....sorry about that b ut please take the time to read and help me pleasE!

YKES! Sorry to say this but your WH is lying to you, he is in an A, he is just scared to be caught.

have you tried getting a VAR for his car?

Might be a good idea.

Sorry you are here

I can't do anything to his "car" because he doesn't have a personal car. He drives a tow truck in which he is on call 24/7 so they have him drive it around all the time. The company wouldn't allow me to do that.

I know he's emotionally involved at the very least...now I need to know how to stop it and get our marriage back on track. Please help!

The other thing I wanted to mention is this: Before, when we were first married, we had numerous huge fights that resulted in his moving home to his mom. He would be there a week or so then we would really talk and he would come back. I know the signs to look for that mean he is considering what I say and do. I have lived them.

The problem I am having is that he is showing those signs, he is doing those things...but then he seems to "catch himself" and backpedal...for instance...we were talking about SF and he said that he was glad I was learning some stuff and that it would be good in the future...then I said, Oh really....he said, Oh, wait, I mean when you find someone you are interested in...then he went back to discussing the newfound things we were teasing each other with.

There are other examples of him back pedaling when he says something that leads me to believe that he is making an attempt on our marriage...I think she is influencing him in some way...whether on purpose or not, see she is married too and unhappy in her marriage....so they are friends and can commiserate with each other....so I don't know.

Thought I should tell ya'all that too.

Ok so if he is willing to work on the M, then this is what HE HAS to do.

Have no more contact with the OW, NON what so ever even if "they are just friends" you should never have personal conversation with any female friends that goes for us to, no personal conversations with male friends.

The next thing he needs to do is move back home, and you need to start working your plan A, have you read the carrot and the stick to plan A yet on this site? If not I would do so.

If he is willing to do those two things then you got a shot if not, and he is not willing to have no contact with OW then that means it IS AN A...sorry

Good luck, it's usually slow on the weekends, but wait till tomorrow and the vets will be on, to give you more advise!

You are in the right place!

Here is an article about plan A and plan B, I would read them both just in case you have to get prepared for plan B after working your plan A. Otherwise have him move back home and work on Plan A.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

This is a thread you should read about no contact and why it is important.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1659249

Read this! About Carrot and the stick on Plan A

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1640788&page=1

We were just im ing and he flat out told me he wants he divorce. He doesn't need my friendship, but he wants my friendship. he flat out stated that it is over. But he also says I still have a chance even though he is going to date someone. That neither of us know how it will turn out...

what to do??

Start snooping, get all the evidence of his A (he has been in the A longer then you think)

Read this thread about spying, you might have to hire a PI, if I had the money I WOULD!

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=160092&Number=2368071#Post2368071

Start working your Plan A

DO NOT SIGN the PAPERS!

Once you get enough proof that he is cheating...then EXPOSE!

Read this!

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2266646#Post2266646

While this is all going on you need to STAY CALM! No angry out bursts, if you can't control your emotions then try getting a prescription to help your nerves.

There is A LOT of material to read through so I suggest you take tonight and tomorrow and read EVERYTHING! just read read read and read more!

This site has EVERYTHING you need! Trust me

thank you, thank you.....I did start just a little by asking, If I ask you about a specific person, will you answer me...he said, if it is a name, then no. I don't think you need to know that right now. I said I did for my own peace of mind that I had actually picked up on something in our relationship with as much as I missed, it would make me feel better to know that I at least was able to still read him...he still said no.

I'm POSITIVE I know who this is...I just have to find the proof of it.
I'm going to snoop somehow, but he changed all the passowrds the day he moved out and he even moved his bank account...so that's pretty hard for me to do.

But I'm reading and looking and snooping.

I would hire a PI so he can do it for you, the sooner the better, that way you can expose his affair.

Or you can see if his mother can help you snoop? Do you think she will do that for you? With out telling your H that is

Also if you know who this OP is (the woman he is "dating") I would contact her husband if you can, he needs to know what his wife is doing. Even if it's not physical yet...or maybe it already is, he still needs to know.

BTW, I just want to warn you once you do expose your husband will hate you, he will call you all the bad names in the book, and threaten to leave.

I'm not saying to expose now, just get your evidence so you can get support from friends, and family.

You should have seen me when my husband exposed my A, I threatened him, beat him, screamed at him, and kept repeating, "I might have ruined this marriage, but you ended it."

Once the fog lifts he will realize what he did, and he will one day forgive you :)I am actually grateful that my husband exposed my A

So just for a warning, just be smart, keep reading everything you can on this site, and hopefully tomorrow you can get better advise from the vets.

Hi Cami, I am sorry that you are here. If you could, could you please notify the mods and ask them to combine all of your 3 threads together. Most people won't go to other threads to read the information.

Alsi, have you started reading this thread yet? http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2370240#Post2370240

You should read ALL of the links in the thread, just to get started.

You know that your WH IS having an affair. He sometimes back pedals and you believe he wants to try to work on your marriage because he is a typical cake eater. That is a GOOD thing here because these plans work best on cake eating souses.

You are going to learn a lot here and as long as you are willing to implement the plans, you will do fine.

About you being "friends" with you WH, you need to let him know that you are willing to talk about recovery of your marriage but you will NOT talk divorce. Also, you will have to let him know that you will NOT be his "friend" after you divorce. This is a fantasy that ALL waywards have. You are going to let him know, that this is NOT what you are going to do. You want to be married to him, or NOTHING.

YUP! It is a fantasy for them, they want the best of both worlds, let him know this, what scotland wrote, that it's either being married, or nothing at all.

Well, I'm back. It's been a few days and I'm all worn out believe me.

I found out who she is, told the kids, told him I knew and his mom and sister too. His boss had already figured it out. He wasn't mad at all. He was glad I knew cause he had already told the kids and his family about seeing someone, just hadn't said who. He said that he is trying to be "sensitive to your feelings and knows that this is extremely hard for you, but I am done with all of it. Just done"

I have quit calling/texting him and am answering his only about half the time. Other than that I wait for him to call me. I DO take the calls on Fridays cause that's when he tells me where to pick up the money he gives me every week to help with household expenses and I do have to have that.

I have decided to go out of town with a friend for a week. I am NOT telling him and have asked my boys (who still live here with me) not to tell him either. I AM going to tell his mom though. There is actually a reason for that. See, I have no parents or siblings left at this point. His family is the only family that I have and I need them to help me to. So I am trusting his mother and she has never told a confidence to anyone, not even him, when I have confided before. My friend is paying all expenses including food, so all I am really out is the time I miss at work, but I can pick up extra shifts to help with that I'm pretty sure. This is the first time in 23 years that I have made a decision on my own, for my own happiness, without consulting him...so I'm feeling pretty good about that right now.

I am listening when we do talk to everything he says, then I journal after our conversations/texts so that I can remember. One of the problems I have had before trying to "go dark" is that he would always call and we would talk about things then he'd go hang out with friends or OW and change his story/attitude. So I'm journaling what we talk about for my own sanity. That way I KNOW I'm not crazy and he actually DID say what I originally thought.

I am continuing my IC and have "shown great progress" according to the counselor.

I have decided to look into finishing my last year of schooling to get my bachelor's degree. I am pretty sure I only need one semester to graduate and if so, that will help me tremendously in the long run.

I have decided that I HATE my job so I'm out looking for a new one. Something that is not a dead end job, something with a future.

I have decided that I HATE this house. My mother owned it, and it is still in probate, but I probably will get it. He has told me, in writing, that he will not take any part of this house at any point. It is mine. Well, if so, I'm going to sell it and use the proceeds to purchase something smaller, maybe a condo or something. Then move. I can't stand the memories in this house if this does not work out and if it does, he has even said we should move somewhere else, so I don't feel that he would object at that point.

He has let me know that the divorce attorney that I had called at his bequest is too expensive and that he feels we should do the do it yourself thing. I explained that I would not accept that, no matter how unhappy it made him. Period. I explained that I want to be married to him and that I feel that at some point we should actually talk about what is wrong and how to fix it, but explained that this was not the proper time and he would have to come to grips with the fact that I am not going to sign for divorce at this point.

I have tried to reconnect with two of my old friends from high school (man that was a long time ago LOL) and they have responded and it has been very nice talking with them. We have not managed to get together yet, but I would like to see that happen in the near future if only to get me out some evenings.

I actually thought of going to a concert tonight, alone. There's a free concert in the town about 20 miles from here that I dearly wanted to see. I was pretty tempted and even started to get dressed, but then decided that 90 degrees outside and 40,000 people was probably just a little too much yet for me to handle, but I really thought about it. That is something.

I will not be going to the fourth of July party that we normally attend. It is at his mother's house where he is now staying and she understands that I just can't do that yet. That is not something I am ready for, even though I love fireworks.

I will be attending the family reunion of his family in two weeks. That is at his sisters. He will be there and I asked point blank if OW would be there. He let me know that his mother and sister both told him she was not welcome as well as the fact that he would not bring her there because it would be uncomfortable for me and he did not wish to do that. (always considering my feelings here huh? LOL Whatever, then get rid of her already!)

So I hope I have done some good things. I really do. I keep reading and hoping. Please advise me. thanks!!

So how are you working your plan A? Have you read the carrot and the stick to plan A yet? If not I would do so

Have you decided how long you will be in plan A till you hit plan B?

I have read the plan a and carrot/stick stuff. I'm just confused and having problems comprehending at this point.

I am attempting to implement them all in my daily life and to show him I am moving forward, not on, just forward. I am making sure that his family is aware of what goes on basically, but asking them to only tell him if they absolutely must and they have assured me that they are not speaking with him about OW at this point at all.

I have cleaned the home to what he feels is the best way to do so rather than just giving it a once over and am keeping it that way.

I have went through the EN questionairre and answered it as I felt he would answer it then one night (before I knew I shouldn't have done this) I got him talking ont he phone about it and found out where I had answered correctly and incorrectly. I also have found out from H speaking to me what he likes about OW and why she makes him feel good about himself. So I know what the draw was initially.

I have started to point out his faults in situations when he begins to point all blame to me. I have made it clear that I will not take all blame, only what is actually due to me. But I edid this in a nice calm voice with no tears in my eyes.


I have let his family and everyone else involved in our lives say or act as they will about this OW and about what he is doing. They will probably do a better job of showing him how wrong this is than I will anyhow because he is not into listening to me at this point.

I have gone basically dim at this point and am only speaking to H when I absolutely must or when I feel that he has taken the initiative to contact me several times so this time would be okay (maybe once every three or four texts).

As for how long I plan to be in plan a before going to plan b....well, I'm not sure at this point. I really don't know what to do with that. I just know I have to try. If you have advice of that, then please offer it up. I'm open to suggestions, but I'm also having problems figuring this out on my own.

I have been married so long and was living at home before marriage....I've never been on my own, so this is TOTALLY a new territory to me. I'm not sure how to act or what to do actually, so it's a REALLY total new beginning here. So please help.

Dang, he just texted me again. He said he needs half the bedframe that we have for camping so he can use it at his mom's. Well, okay I guess. But UGH that means he has to come out here. K. Now I'm not sure how to feel about that. My stomach just went into knots!!