Please, tell her about this website. Get her to come here, and we can help her.

We can get the two of you through this - and we can help her heal from her pain.

Ask her to give it a chance - to at least come here and let us try to help her through the rough spot. We have been there, and we know what she is going through.

Just text her the website, and ask her to get a username. We can even start a thread for her if she needs us to. Let us know.

SB

You did the right thing, ASmith. We will pray for you and your family.

PLEASE send your wife her to us and we will help her.

I'm glad you told her.

Now you have work to do.

First, you need to write a letter of No Contact to the Other Woman (OW). This letter needs to state that what the two of you did was wrong, that you must not contact one another again for any reason for the rest of your lives, and that you regret the affair and that you love your wife. You must NOT apologize to the OW, make any attempt to smooth things over with the OW, or leave any opening for the OW to be a "friend" or anything else whatsoever. You must not leave any opening to one another to check up on each other, either. Finally, you do not say that you love her, like her, or anything of the sort. You sign off with just your name. Not "love" or "sincerely" or "respectfully". Just your name.

Tell your wife that the letter (or email) is on the way to her, that your wife can read it and send it to the OW. That you are doing it this way so that your wife can be 100% certain that the letter is sent and that your plan is to NEVER have any type of contact with the OW again for the rest of your life.


Next, you need to assure your wife that you will answer any and all questions she may have about this affair with 100% openness and honesty. Your wife deserves to know anything she wants regarding the affair. You do not hide anything about the OW, nor do you say anything that is meant to protect the OW. Your job is to protect YOUR WIFE AND MARRIAGE. That is only possible with 100% honesty, and by not protecting the OW. You need to understand completely that your relationship with OW is an enemy invasion by an outside force - and YOU ALLOWED IT. You must now protect your marriage with something we call:

Extraordinary Precautions

For the rest of your life.

You need to look at this website for what those precautions are, and get to work, brother. You need to let your wife know that you are already on board, learning what EPs are, how to get them into place, and working to understand them so that your marriage is reinforced against the enemies around you.


You have very weak boundaries, and this is what you will learn here. EPs will help protect you, and will also help your wife feel much safer in your marriage.


That will get you started. Please, get your wife here. We CAN help.

Sir, you have done well. You BW is now going through: Shock, fury, outrage, despair, anguish, shock, fury, outrage...

Consider this a necessary bloodletting brought on by you. It's the only way. Continue to do this the right way and it will cleanse and restore your M. That is, IF your BW wishes to continue the M. She's driving the bus, now. Not you. It's all up to her.

But you can help steer her toward reconciliation by answering all of her questions, however hard that may be.

By all means, send her here. Tell her we're waiting for her and want to help her. She may initially balk (not being used to having other people in her M, mind you.) Encourage her to do so anyway.

And begin your refrain: "I will do whatever it takes to save this M." She's got to be convinced of your willingness.

You done good, soldier.

((((((ASmith)))))

I am really PROUD of you for telling her. That is the FIRST step towards recovery. It may only be personal recovery, but it will be WONDERFUL if you continue to be honest with yourself and make yourself a better MAN and SPOUSE.

Now, the next time that you speak with your BIL, tell him about this place and tell him to pass the message on to your BW that we are here for her waiting with open arms. Also, if you can, I would order the book Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley and send it to her with a note that says, "I am sorry. This may help you."

You have been very brave. You have done the right thing to correct the wrong.

HURRAY!!!

You are now in the process of recovery...how does it feel? To get that all off your chest? Bet it feels dang good!!

We know she is angry, and upset, that is expected!

You are on the right track my friend, bring her on the MB site and we can help her as well

It does not feel good. She said that she wished I would have kept it a secret from her. She said she will wait for me to come back home before she decides what to do. She said that she did not want to come to the website because she doesn't need the help, I do. I will tell my BIL.

I know it was the right thing to do, I just did it the wrong way and waited too long. I have betrayed my wife and my children.

I want to make sure that I am not dishonest anymore. My name is Jason, and we have four children. Everything else is the truth.

I hope that my wife does come here and sees that we can recover, but I understand that it is her choice now. I gave up that right. In the interim, I will rebuild my realtionship with God, as the falling away from that is what led me to where I am now. Maybe he will see fit to turn her heart to forgiveness. Either way, I know I do not deserve it.

Please keep us, especially her, in your prayers. She needs comforting that I can no longer give her.

Jas

Keep the faith. You did the right thing. If you hadn't told it would have eaten you and your marriage alive. It would make it easier for you to cheat a second time. Remember, the OW is an enemy of your marriage and not a nice woman.

And, I wanted you to know that I broke contact with her before I came here. I told her that what I did was wrong and betrayed a trust of my wife, who is the woman that I truly loved and deserved more than I had given her. As such, I could never speak to her again.

ASmith,

You have done the right thing by telling your wife. Good work, so far. And the NC letter to OW via your wife is the next step.

Can you please answer the questions from my previous post?

"You wrote that your affair partner re-deployed and that you stayed in contact as friends. Are you still in contact? Is the OW married? When you re-deploy, will she be in the same area as you? Have you taken steps to end the affair, not just be physically separated from your affair partner? By the way, get over the fantasy idea that you had an affair with a nice woman. She was a woman with no qualms about bedding another woman's husband."

Just curious, why did you tell us you had three children and later said there were four? Is there something significant about your children? How old are they?

AM

I am no longer in contact. She is not married. She will not be around me, she is in a different state. In retrospect, I see that she was not nice, but I made the choice. For my family and my part the blame rests solely on me. I could have said no.

I made the statement about having three children because I wanted to give whoever gave me advice a more realistic picture of my situation, but was trying to mask who I really was. I really don't care about that now. People need to know who I am and that what I have done is wrong. Hopefully, it will help someone else not fall, but either way, I need to get right with my God and my family. Being honest and open is the only way that will happen.

ASmith,

Ah, I see. No one on this site needs to know your real name. If you want to be anonymous, edit out your name from your previous post and if necessary, change your login name.

There are plenty of military on this site. Being apart for long periods of time really sets up the environment for affairs. How long until you rotate back? I assume since you already had R&R that it is something less than 6 months.

You mentioned you are not currently in contact, email or any other way, with OW. How long has there been contact between you? Is there a way to block her from contacting you? I think that is difficult with the military email system. What was that last correspondence's nature, ie did either of you say you did not want to hear from the other? The NC letter is a fundamental component to recovering the marriage, and was something that I wholly underestimated with my H.

Best wishes,

AM

I told her that I could never speak to her again. There had been contact since November 09. I had the affair in Dec-Jan. We remained in contact until about 5 days ago when I sent her the mail that we could not speak again.

I go home in three months

Asmith, you did the right thing. The most important thing you can do now is to affair proof your marriage. The best way to do that is to block any access from the OW. Block her email and block her phone # from your phone. Another thing you can do is install a keylogger on your computer and have the reports emailed daily to your wife. Give her the password and let her change it to something only she knows. [she can do this remotely] One that works very well is eblaster at spectorpro.com

Are there any other ways you can affair proof your marriage to make sure contact does not resume?

ASmith, you of course have done the right thing. It doesn't always feel great at first, but it WILL get better.

Have you looked into ordering SAA and sending it to her?

There is a lot you can do to make YOURSELF better before you get home to see your wife.

We don't need to know who you are, but you will need to be honest about what is going on for you to get some real help and advice.

I've been where you are. I was in the military and while over in Iraq had an affair. I had just gotten married a few months before though but I made the mistake of not telling my husband until 3 years after. I had no clue why I had the A, my husband was a wonderful man been together since we were 15 yrs old. I had never been away from him and maybe that played into why. But in my case a child was born from the affair and it makes everything much much worse. I regret the affair the most but also that I didn't tell him after it happend. I was scared but waiting just hurt him even more because he did suspect something was going on but I denied it and lied. Now 5 yrs after the affair but only 2 yrs of me coming clean things are still very hard. We now have another child and it makes things even harder.

You need to come clean now don't wait like I did, trust me it'll eat and you and you'll eventually tell her but it'll be that much harder on your marriage because you lied and kept it from her.

Well, she went out with another man tonight. She said that only way that she could get over it was to have someone treat her like a woman. She said that if I had been home when I told her we could have worked on it, but now she is there having to deal with is alone.

I do not think that telling her while I was deployed was a good start. I am sure that I have lost her completely.Which I completely understand is my own doing.

hmmm, that is a curious reaction. Is it possible she was already in an affair and she is using this as an excuse? That is a most curious reaction. It takes quite a bit to make a spouse commit adultery so I find it odd she would view this as a solution.

ITA with you Mel. That was my first gut reaction to this too. If (and that is a HUGE IF) she had not already been having an affair, she most definitely had someone lined up. This is a strnage reaction for a BS and would explain fully why she was ADAMENT that WE couldn't help her. You have much more to deal with here. Have you thought about giving the coaching center a call and asking for their help?

You will probably have to do this the even harder way of being a WS and a BS at the same time. YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. You also most certainly did NOT push your wife into her affair. She is responsible for that action HERSELF.

Take care. Keep posting. We can still help you.

Or, she could be making it up because she's hurt and she wants to hurt you in return. Do you know for sure that she went out with another man, or are you just taking her word for it?